Divorce Sucks

“I don't post over there, and pretty much I post as uphillklimber on all the other boards. I only post as monkeyboy here, because I have been officially dubbed monkeyboy by Mellissa's misfits on the hike Maine I trip.”

“Ditto what MB said, he took the words right out of my mouth.
Joining Ewker's Club isn't the worst thing,
he seems to be having more fun than nearly all of us combined”

“I'm sorry, Fritz. I'm sure you have done everything you can. Would living apart for a trial six months make sense to let the dust settle?”

“Fritz - If you're able to look beyond the pain of the current situation and see a happier future for yourself and your children then you must know you are making the right decision.”

“Thank you all for the support.

It is very rough right now, she is trying to lay on the guilt but that isn't working...but she is also doing all the immature things that make divorce harder on the kids than it needs to be and that REALLY pisses me off.

WannaBP, there is absolutely no chance that we will reconcile, barring a dramatic miracle from God. And I have been waiting for that for years, and we have been in counseling off and on for over 10 years, and things still just plain suck.

The last time I can remember missing her when we were apart was 1983, three years before we were married. She is just a great person to everyone outside the house and a completely miserable person at home. If people who knew us could be flies on the wall of my house they would see me exactly as they expected, and they would be SHOCKED at what a different person she is.

So...I fully expect to be misunderstood and unfairly judged by a lot of people in the community but that is no worse than being misunderstood and unfairly judged by the person who is supposed to be your best friend and number one supporter and fan.

I just have to get out of this relationship or I will completely fall apart. The daily stress and the complete absence of love, respect, and tenderness has just about worn me down to nothing.”

“Fritz,

Hang in there, it will get better, hard to believe right now. All the cliche's (SP?) about time etc. etc. are true.

The best thing I did was use a mediator, cheaper than lawyers. Check them out first but the one I used was a big help in making decisions I was in no shape to make.”

“Fritz, I wasn't so much thinking of a reconciliation, but more a chance to let emotions run their course without being in the same house, so that what follows has less stress attached.”

“Fritz good luck. It is good you are taking positive steps to change your life for the better, too bad you have to go through this. It also seems that you have a good attitude and are being very considerate. Stay true to yourself.”

“Fritz, I understand about character assasination also. My ex is the president of my fan club, so to say (TIC), and it took quite a while for my kids to come around. Now they seldom ask for me and often aren't available to me, but when they are, it is good.

I spoke up to my kids one time about something they repeated to me from my ex. I told them I'll say this only once, but these are the facts in that issue, and here's the proof. Do with it what you want. Never addressed it again, and it never came up again.

I don't know that anything can be done about character assasination, other than to take the high road. Eventually, (Unfortunately years from now) you'll be vindicated, but, sadly some damage will be done. If you take the low road, much more damage will be done.(I'm sure you realize this). Interestingly enough, when you get divorced, you become privy to other divorces and what happens concerning them registers with you more. Terrible thing to be so educated about, but it happens.

I did lose my best friend from high school (class of 78) over this, but if he felt that way after all this time, compliments of my ex's words.... I guess he wasn't the friend I thought he was. His loss.

What I found was important, was moving to another town. Sure it's a little farther to visit the kids, but I am not a pariah in my home town. It was good to put some distance in between.

I have heard it said that you should wait a year after the divorce is final before you date again. I guess that's good in cases, but in my case, I wasn't going to go a year without companionship. Hey, life goes on, and I took it on by the horns. I dated immediately, several women, on my best behaviour, and chanced to meet an absolutely fantastic woman (Skeetah Bait). It was a bit of a juggling act changing old life for new, but SB gave me room and understanding to do so, and I kept her out of the ugliness. She is friendly towards my kids, and we have a blast with them.

I guess I'm just sharing my experience with you and others are also, perhaps, all together, the experiences can help you to choose what you should do.

Take care my friend.”

“It's better to have loved and lost than to have spent your whole damn life with her.

More seriously, I think my divorce was very hard for my kids. I wish I had been able to prevent it, and to get my ex to agree to counseling.

Nonetheless, I ended up in a relationship which has been far better for 3 1/2 years than my relationship with my wife ever was. I only wish I had chosen better the first time.”

“Hear, hear, Ped! Those are the very things I would say.

Since we often look back and rue decisions we have made in the past, the philosophy I try to live by now is to live now with the hindsight I will have ten years from now. And that especially holds true with new relationships.”

“Join the club. It's best for the both of you to go you own way. Gotta be Happy.
Even for the kids is for the best. You don't want them growing up in a house with that kind of tension. No one should be in a situation that is misserable.”

“the love you take is equal to the love you make....”

“everything will work out for the best. Keep the chin up!”

“Sorry for your pain Fritz, you deserve a better life.

Good luck and I know you'll be happier!”

“Good luck, fritz! Been there, done that. It sucks, but defnitely will get better. :-)”

“Best of luck to ya, Fritz.

And try not to worry about what other people think. F-em!”

“Fritz --

Over the years I've caught hints at unhappieness at home in some of your posts.

I hope that getting some closure on this situation gives you the chance for happieness down the road.

Good luck as you move through the process.


if you don't mind me asking . . .how old are your kids?”

“Lee, I am indeed just a bitter, lonely, pathetic old man. :-)

Nah, not really. But I am sure I have dropped a few hints about marital problems from time to time.

My children are 20M, 16F, 14F, 11M, 11M. All great kids. I love them more than life itself and would do anything for them. That is why this decision was so hard. There is just no way to know what is best for them.”

“Hang on to this: you always do the best you can with what you have at the time, and you're responsible for the effort not the outcome. Some would argue those points but they contain a lot of freedom and forgiveness.”

“Good advice Snake eyes.....Fritz...I have been married twice...my first daughter was angry because I divorced her dad......my second and third think I should have left their dad years before I did......point is....They will probably be unhappy with any decision you make about divorce....so just do the best you can and let them know you love them......”

“Fritz, kids know what is happening between Mom and Dad at home. They can see the unhappiness and the loneliness between you two. They may not want to talk about it now but the time will come when they will. They make take sides at one point but eventually they will know the truth.”

“Snake eyes, what you said is so true. I try to remember that when I get too wrapped up in the "what ifs" in so many life decisions. One cannot be happy living with that kind of useless guilt.”

“Only just saw this Fritz, good luck with the whole thing. I completely understand when you say she's a completely different person outside the house. Hang in there.”

“Fritz, my friend, your first responsibility is to yourself. I know how hard it is to kiss your kids goodbye, but my relationship with them many years later is infinitely better than it could have been had I stayed in the marriage.

What Ewker says about the kids is true. Give them time, and they will understand.

It will not be easy for you, even given the fact that you are the one who made the decision. There are bumpy times ahead, but you will find a way around the bumps. Good people always do.

Hang in there through the bumps. I wish you strength and understanding, but I suspect you already have both of those qualities in abundance.”

“Fritz, when I married my first wife, we already had 2 children together. I kinda felt I was doing the honorable thing. I also felt I was fulfilling a rite of passage. Did I love her? I don't think so, but we got along well enough some/most of the time, that I felt all would be fine.

Can you say married for all the wrong reasons, or some of them, anyways? I was in that comfort zone with her. Yeah, at that age, regular sex was a consideration. The kids needing a father. I should have paid support and set up regular visitation and never met up with the mother.

Ended up doing just that anyways, paying support and visiting the kids. Only thing is, it went on for so long that it wasn't long before the kids are ducking my visits, and of course, they live the president of my fan club. Quite a bit of bitterness had built up in my ex, which she just funneled down thru my kids. To be fair, the kids had some bitterness and so did I. She only continued to magnify the situation, and continues to do so to this day. Sigh....

Anyways, after the divorce was finalized, I rearranged my finances. I was paying thru the nose for child support and the hme and vehicles. (I had to finish paying for hers, only a couple thousand, but it still added up). The kids originally landed with me, and I got the house and all the responsibility. When I was getting support from her, no problem. When they moved in with her, I had all the bills and support too. A little refinancing, and I didn't have to do a fire sale. I had a 4 year window to decide what to do. By then, I would need an increase in finances, decrease in child support (Which actually did happen), or sell the home. Fortunately, I have always been fiscally stable.

No rush to judgement, thankfully. I also had my father nearby to advise me when requested. How it must have tried him to be there when I asked and to be quiet when I didn't. He must have plainly seen what I couldn't.

What is really an interesting point in my life, was just after everything was finalized. I know that it is cliche', but it truly was a whole new beginning.

It was a terrible thing to have to go through. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. Worst thing that ever happened to me. After that, nothing bad can ever happen to me.


A huge weight was off my shoulders. I had a freedom. Did I miss my kids? Yeah, still do. Did I miss my old life? At first, but not any more. Having gone thru the school of hard knocks, I now knew what worked for me and what didn't. I wasn't about to head to what didn't work, but decided to go for what did. Why didn't I do that in my 20's?

My life has transformed. I was fortunate to meet a wonderful lady. I decided not to work 60-80 hours a week in the search of wealth. I decided to enjoy this life, with or without those I love. (For the record, Skeetah Bait and I enjoy so many things together, I always have her at my side. Can't imagine this life without her.) Weekends are spent, year round, having fun, with good friends (see the Hike Maine trip report). I have a good set of skiis, snow shoes, kayak, snorkel gear, etc.... the list goes on. But what is really important is the smile, ever on my face. The peace in my soul, the love of this life on this planet.

This how it was/is in my case. It really does get better, as many have stated, but there is an awful road to cross first. Keep your eye on the prize you seek, it truly will be worth the effort.

Good luck, my friend.”

“Wow, A few months away from TT and everything has changed. For one this format is a little new.

And...

I\'ve always passed this thread up. But tonight I\'ve opened it along with a new chapter of my life.

Things have been pretty rough for me the last couple of weeks and then I remembered you guys and drug up this thread. I forgot how great you all are.

Just reading back into this thread I\'m encouraged to move on and regain my self. I looked in the mirror tonight and I hardly recognized the person looking back at me.

Monkeyboy your posts are especially inspirational and Fritz I feel for you. I\'m sorry you had to endure so much for so long.

I\'ve only been married four years but we\'ve been together for nine. The hardest part is that we have a daughter that turns 1 next week.

But like so many here have said you can\'t make decisions for the wrong reasons. I\'m going to love my daugther the best I can, but I\'m not going to throw away the rest of my life to bring someone up in a bad relationship.

So anyway, here\'s the short version of the straw that broke the camel\'s back. I recently had back surgery as some of you know. (Six weeks ago) While I was down on my back unable to sit for more than an hour a day, my wife started going out till 3-4...5 in the morning and leaving me instructions to call her cell phone if our daughter woke up. I expressed my concern and she got defensive and said I didn\'t want her to have friends or \"have a life.\"

I had my suspicions but, because of my physical situation it took my brother coming into town to catch her with the other man.

So here I am, a broken man in more ways than one. I\'m so ready to start the road to recovery.”

“Women are good for sex, cleaning, and... well that's enough isn't it? Hire a cleaning woman who knows a little bit about plumbing.”

“IJ, sorry to hear about your problems. You are doing the right thing. It isn't worth staying in a marriage that isn't working.

Get well soon and the best of luck to you”

“A Great article in GQ, or was it Esquire, about this kind of bs. Call a spade a spade, and move along. Take good care of the little one, maybe you can get custody.”

“I am sorry to hear about this chapter in your life. You've come to the right place. So many of us feel your pain. And you will probably identify with someone here in particular.

Maybe you need to get out on the trail to clear your head for a day or two.”

“Indiana Jones, I am so sorry to hear about this. I am sure it'll be better after you're over the hardest parts.”

“Thanks everyone for your support!

Ruby, I can't wait to hit the trail, but my back will take a little longer to heal. I'm moving up from 2-4 miles a day now on paved streets, but I may throw in a couple short trails with care soon.

My surgeon says my surgery was a complete sucess and he promises to have me back on the trail with 25 pounds by March. Its hard to beleive that a little over a month ago I couldn't feel my right foot. Modern medicine rocks!

I already have my news years resolution for 2005: Meet lots of TT folk and make Crazy Mikes bag nights look like a boyscout outing. :)”

“Keep Rockin' Indiana John!”

“Good luck IJ, i tell ya, that having been there and done that, it'll work out for the best.”

“John - Get you a good lawyer that's not afraid to fight in court. Don't be Mr. Nice Guy, your daughter is gonna need her daddy.”

“Sory to hear about this, IJ. It is my firm belief that everything happens, no matter how bad, for a god reason. It's a good thing that you found out about this now, instead of having to deal with this long term. Also, it gives you the fantastic opp to encounter the person who you are really are suppose to be with.

Good Luck and hang in there. We'll see you on the trail very soon.”

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

best of luck, IJ. Get back on the trail soon...
:)”

“Sorry to hear about what you're going through... Divorce is definitely not fun-- my friend is going through one right now... maybe when the dust settles she'll be friends with her ex, but right now, things are really rotten with the way the lawyers are battling!”

“maybe when the dust settles she'll be friends with her ex, pinkbubelz
9:44:11 AM
10/26/04

I wouldn't count on it. if it is a fierce battle in court they won't become friends at all. If kids are involved one will always use them against the other.”

“Yes, you're right there Ewker... right now, it is very sad-- Thinkbubelz & I used to drive up to see our friends (they live 2 hrs away) on a whim every so often... It will probably get worse in the next month as this would have been their 10th anniversary--

He was pretty rotten--filed for divorce on Valentine's day, of all things... But I think she'll be happier without him-- maybe she will find someone who will be a better fit for her down the road.... The kids ARE feeling the tension--it's so sad to see kids who used to be happy--they are starting to get used to the back & forth, but at first it was REALLY heart-wrenching to see the littlest one (3 yrs old) screaming when she had to leave her mom....”

“IJ, sorry to hear about this, man. Kudos to your brother for stepping up to the plate and helping you out.

Let me second GGGGS's recommendation of getting a good lawyer and not playing nice. Attempt to get custody of your daughter. You probably won't, but you will get a better deal if you scare the hell out of your soon-to-be-ex-wife.

There are organizations out there that help dads out with stuff like this. Find one and get in touch with them. Whenever you get tired of dealing with the BS, remember that your relationship with your daughter is at stake.

Good luck!”

“A.D.A.M. is one that adverts in my area....”

“pink, based on my exp. my ex tried to turn the kids on me. My kids were old enough to know better.

So he filed on Valentine's Day, had you rather him give her flowers that day and file the next.

No offense I can already tell your taking her side on this.”

“Sorry to hear about this IJ. Hope it works out for you.”

“Now Ewker, you KNOW no woman would ever use a child against a man for personal gain.”

“your right SS, and the Pope isn't Catholic either”

“..and neither does he wear a funny hat.”

“IJ, good to hear from you! Sorry to hear the news!

When you are able to hike again, let us up here in northern Indy know.

Take care of yourself!”

“Sorry to hear about your pending divorce Indiana John...

I agree with the others about not being nice regarding the process, but that doesn't mean you need to be nasty. Being nice usually works against you and you may regret it later. Ask for what you want, but don't be low about it.

Ewker and Grimy - our August trip has just been bumped up to 75 miles/day! Keep it up and we'll be doing 100! uphill!
;p”