My Monthly Friend Has Come

“Sucking up will not get you published.

Am I the only one here to have something published in Backpacker?”

“BTW - all good suggestions stick... err... I mean laqtis. There is no way to expect unbiased reviews from an advertising driven magazine. Even if they were, who would believe them? The most you could ask for is a key to euphemisms.”

“suck this vile. (_|_)

So, what did you have published?
;p”

“I read the water article and found it interesting. I think the Mag has lost some of features I likes best. There was always a funny Trail talk section with Ha Ha's in them. For a light reader like myself, I like the mag in general.”

“I was published under my real name and fear stalkers. Wasn't much to crow about anyway. It does make me infinitely superior to you poseurs though.”

“the thing that has made me decide to not renew is the way they write their arcticles. they try and be cute or funny about everything. this gets old issue after issue. to be able to just read a plain informational article/report once in a while would be nice.”

“So who all thought Nigal was riding the cotton pony?”

“I once did the color separations and film work(to burn printers plates) for Rodale. Does that count?”

“I'm better today. I'm back on my regular panty liners (w/ wings of course.).”

“Of course. I'd hate to see you without wings, Nigal...”

“so who would be the wind beneth his wings?”

“O God, Q, don't ask about THAT...”

“LMAO @ laqtis!!”

“i like to drool over the pictures of places i never been. ive heard from several ppl not to trust their gear reviews, so i dont read them, but im not a hardcore gear enthusiast anyway. i have mixed feelings about their tellng ppl about little traveled places to hike: i like it for me, but then everyone else shows up too.”

“very funny nigal.

little known fact-

i once applied to work for BP mag as a writer, after seeing an ad for an opening, even sent a manuscript of my book, they never even bothered to send a "no thank you" letter. it's all for the best.

that mag could be so awesome, yet it is so mediocre.”

“Nigal has wings but can't fly...”

“"so who would be the wind beneth his wings?"

It's you Q. OK? It's you! You are the wind breaking beneath my wings! 8P”

“YEAH!!!!!!!”

“It’s time once again for my installment of “Why Backpacker Magazine Makes Me Wish I could Gush Blood From My Genitals Until I Die!”.

In this months information packed issue…has this damn thing gotten even SKINNIER or is just me?

* Believe it or not, you can actually put you Nalgeen bottles and stuff in the dishwasher (page 80)! GASP! Why didn’t I think of that? Face it gentile reader, if ya can’t figure out how to wash your Nalgeen you deserve to open the thing up and discover the remnants of sour milk in your bottle. Gee, thanks Backpacker!!

* Armadillos always give birth to identical quadruplets but in times of stress mothers can delay the implantation of a fertilized egg for up to 2 years (page 82)! Now I’m guaranteed to win my next game of Trivial Pursuits! I’m sure next time my buddy is doing first aid on me and we don’t know how to treat burns because Backpacker sucks I’ll at least be able to impress him with my Armadillo knowledge…Hey Mike, did you know it’s illegal to own an Armadillo in Maine but in Montana they are considered livestock? What? You can’t get the bleeding to stop? That‘s OK, at least I‘ll die knowing everything about Armadillos.“ Gee, Thanks Backpacker!!

* This month I learned that selecting and using tent stakes is really rocket science and we need Backpacker’s help (page 80). It’s not just sticking things in the ground kids! I have lost three tents to gusts of wind…where were you then Backpacker??!! Gee, thanks Backpacker!!

* I learned how to make four more dishes on the trail that contain things I’ve never heard of, will never be able to find at the store, or would want to phuck around with dragging into the backcountry (page 78-79). You mean if you bring a bunch of exotic crap with you and mix it into Raman noodles they actually taste good? Gee, thanks Backpacker!!

This months Stupid Gear Selection:

* The Instant Igloo Kit (page 71)…that’s right gang for only $166 and an extra 5 lbs.,3oz. You can have your own instant igloo kit! Hmmm, $166, 5 ½ pounds and 4 ½ hours for an igloo. One word for ya…TENT? Gee, thanks Backpacker!!

Oh yeah, and I got to see some birds eating stuff.”

“My decision to cancel the subscription two years ago is finally confirmed.”

“Mine runs out in 2007.

8)”

“That information about armadillos is kind of interesting.

I quit reading that rag about three years ago, though.”

“Hey, leprosy is endemic to armadillos as well. So leave them alone, really.”

“what about clip-on fans?”

“nigals aunt flo is in town again”

“Nigal always manages to make me feel good about telling them to #&%!$ off when they sent a renewal notice a couple of years ago.”

“Backpacker's not all bad. At Trail Days I scored a free pair of socks by attending one of their talks. Plus they sponsored the Abo-dude to come to Damascus and give a talk, and that was pretty cool. Now if they would just produce a decent magazine...”

“I used to give the then-girlfriend a subscription for Christmas every year.

In four or five years worth of magazines I learned One Thing -- You can microwave the glass from you candle-lanterns and melt the spilled wax off.

Astounding!


I dont know if that tidbit was worth buying $80 worth of magazines, tho'....”

“That was hi-fricken-LARIOUS, Nigal!

Are there any other options out there, or is Backpacker Magazine the one and only?

Man, a good backpacking mag should be a slam dunk. You can touch base with ever culture, technology, and ecosystem on the planet!”

“I got my 2 complimentary issues and and told them no thanks.
I read TT threads more then anything.

The backpacker A-holes still sent a me a bill!

So after about 3 replies back to them saying I never "officially" subscribed, I still get the bills......

So my next move is to get some of those "Freeby" postage paid envolopes from credit card companys, change the address to "backpacker" magazine and fill them with bunch of junk mail and see how they like it....
or
I will send them a bill for my time and my previous postage....”

“What do they call Armadillos in Georgia?



Possum in a half shell!”

“I was wondering when I would be getting this. It seems like I have been waiting forever...oh wait, it only takes 20 minutes to read cover to cover. That is why the wait feels forever.”

“Snafu, you need to write "CANCEL" on one of the bills and send it back. Otherwise, soon you will be hearing from a bill collector, I kid you not. That's what they did to me.”

“20 minutes is about right Wounded. One good crap and you're done. I do wish they'd use newsprint so they'd wipe better though.”

“"gentile readers?!" lmao!”

“Who was it who said that Backpacker magazine is like sex for the married guy?: You wait all month for it and when you finally get it, it's all over in five minutes.”

“Haha! I forgot all about that one V. I said that.

""gentile readers?!" lmao!"

Sorry Treebait, are you Jewish. Just add an Oy Veh to the end and it's for the Jews too. LOL! I wrote that in Word and it flew right by me!”

“Backpacker only for the goyim? Who knew?”

“Here I thought he was just having his period again...........”

“Thanks for ruining it for me, Nigal...I haven't gotten my issue yet. No need for me to read it now. Thanks alot. You have a nice Thanksgiving and I will remember to give thanks to you while eating my bird that ate stuff so that I could eat it. I for one, did not know that I could put my nalgene bottles in the dishwasher. I never knew the lids wouldn't flop around in there and beat the other dishes to death. Oh, I am so mad at you...you just ruin everything.”

“I've come to the conclusion that paper magazines are a waste. I'm going to cancel several.”

“OK, well after taking last month off (along with the actual writers) for the annual gear advertisement, err, I mean gear guide…this month’s issue showed up on my door right on schedule. This was a challenging month because this issue is better than most. So without further adue I give you this month’s reasons why watching Jesus getting scourged for 10 minutes straight in The Passion is less painful than reading Backpacker Magazine. I have added a new category in order to deal with this unexpected smattering of quality.

General Overview:

** In the new section called “Ask Kristin” we have a reader asking if Sterno is any good? Good question dumbazz. Go spend $2 and try it. This will not only offer an opportunities for you to catch yourself on fire but it will also allow someone with an actual question to have a chance to get published.

** On the same page (15) we find the editor having a discussion with a letter writer as to weather seamen attracts bears. Good thing we got them to stop publishing those nasty butt shots, huh? BTW- Try starting a thread on the subject at backpacker.com and see what happens. LOL!

**On page 25 we find a riveting article about the rangers at Lake Mead getting a hummer. How is this stupid? It’s not. I am just can’t let the innuendo slip by unmentioned.

**If a picture is worth a 1,000 words I wish they would have replaces the Days of Thunder pictorial with a 7,000 word article which contains usable information. Note to the editor: You are not, nor will you ever be National Geographic. Please stop trying.

**The article Little Big War is nothing but a longwinded example of Indians stealing land back from the ones who stole it from them. Honor among thieves is not dead gang! They do get half credit for this though because it is NP lands.

Dead Horse Award:

The YellowStone NP article on page 75. Come on! Do we REALLY need yet another article about this place? It’s been done to death!

The “We Don’t Know What We’re Talking About” Award:

On page 98 we find Bper’s required reading list of the top books in the how to category…Colin Fletcher’s book is nowhere to be found but Ray J’s book is? This is like reading a bible with no Jesus in it.

The “You Probably Already Know This but We Have to Fill Space” award:

**If you want to keep your drink warm put a sock over your Nalgeen bottle. If anyone doesn’t see the stupidity in this they can snort my nasty feet while trying to drink their morning coffee and let them try to tell me it‘s a great idea between puking heaves.

**Another great skill revealed from on high this month is lost art of skipping stones. The only two classes of people who can’t do this are the bubble boy down the street who has never been outdoors and those who were born without opposable thumbs. (No offense to either bubble people or people without opposable thumbs)

**The 5 Things You didn’t Know About Frost blurb was amazing! The only damn thing ya need to know about frost is how to keep it off you and your gear.

The “Worst Advertisement” award:

Page 113 shows an ad for Pete Rose’s new book. At first I thought the picture of Pete standing on base crying was his famous picture of breaking Ty Cobb’s record but as it turns out he had just found out his subscription ran out and his credit card was automatically charged for another year of Backpacker Magazine because he didn’t reply to the damn mailings.

The “Stupid Gear No One Will Buy” Award:

This one was easy! On page 24 we find Bacpacker raving about the new Vasue Lightspeed shoe. They say, “Weather you’re looking to hit the singletrack- or hit the town- you’re good to go in these high voltage trail runners.”. The only town I’d feel safe in hitting in these hideous shoes is San Francisco and even then I’m not so sure. I don’t even think the Queer Eye Guys would endorse this shoe but somehow Backpacker finds them irresistible.


The “I Found the Pearl at the Bottom of the Septic Tank” award:

I had to come up with some way to give credit where credit is due. The GPS for Beginners article was great. It gave the needed information for those who are not hip to GPS. Very useful and insightful.”

“LMFAO. I get more #&%!$ing entertainment our of Nigal's monthly reports than I ever did that piece of #&%!$ magazine.”

“After receiving the mag, I called the number on the automatic renewal notice. They offered me another year's subscription at $1, but I still said no (hint to anybody who was born last week and wants a year of Backpacker for only $1).

Then they offered me a scrip to two other mags, and I said no to that.

They take up about five minutes of your time to cancel the scrip, but I figured it was worth it.

Now there is a book entitled "1,001 Uses for a Dead Cat," but there is no book entitled "1,001 Uses for a Dead Backpacker Subscription."”

“Don't forget the baltant rip-off of the Titanium Chef!”

“This is precious! I got a correspondence from BP magazine the other day saying that my gift subscription for the person or persons on my gift list is overdue. I never ordered Backpacker magazine in my name in my life. Maple had a subscription that ran out a while back. Yet, somehow, some way, I put together a list of one person (Maple) that I ordered the magazine for. They also said that they have been sending complimentary copies to the house that I ordered. Not only have I never ordered the magazine, I never sent them a single piece of correspondence in my life...


...Go figure!”

“The most ironic thing about me poking’ fun at them is that my gift subscription is almost up so I’m going to have to order one to keep making fun of them. It’s worth it.

Oh fate how you mock me!!!”

“What a bunch of elitists.”

“I may be the only one that likes the magizine.




(ducking for cover)”

“Backpacker nag has sent me some of the most fraudulent mailings I've ever recieved. They're up there with the Nigerian guys.”