My Monthly Friend Has Come

“1. Trees in the Woods!
2. Backpacking, the Walking Factor
3. How to light a match.
4. Most Secluded Trail, the AT thru the Smokies in July
5. Revolutionary Tent Designs From Our Advertisers!
6. Rivers Contain Water!
7. Backpacker.com Launches Lattta Outdoors, a place to buy books and gear!
8. How To: Tie Your Shoe.
9. Scotch Tape v. Duct Tape
10. Webelo Scandal!”

“"What a bunch of elitists."

I’m just guessing here but by the shortness of your reply I am guessing you were offended by the crack about people without opposable thumbs not being able to skip stones. I apologized for that. Just kidding!

I don’t mind people enjoying the magazine. If you like it that’s fine. I simply find things in it funny and really dumbed down for a magazine that has the whole backpacking market cornered.”

“You forgot How to remove a pepple from your boot.”

“People without thumbs can too skip stones, they just have to hold the rock between their index and second finger. Just takes a little practice is all.”

“hey did you just call me dumb?



hahah”

“pepple = pebble”

“Whatsamatter, you have something against pepples?”

“Roughing it for yuppies!”

“Did anyone catch the ad for the Princeton headlamps on page 114? Now as backpackers we taught that SUVs are evil and so are the people who buy them. The flagship of evil is the Hummer but what does the ad say Backpacker says about the head lamps?

“The Hummer of headlamps!”

So are they good headlamps or not? Or is Hummer good and the headlamps are as well? I’m so confused!”

“Hummers are always good.”

“I didn't see the thing about the pebbles. Then again my morning crap only lasted 5 minutes so I only got through 98% of the issue.”

“Hummers are always good."
bitpusher
01:54:01 PM
03/08/04

I agree”

“Take another dump and keep looking.”

“I have to agree that your post is far better than the magazine.

The "Does Semen Attract Bears?" thread is a great idea. Let's see how long it lasts and how quickly I'll be banned.”

“Okay - have at it!


http://forums.backpacker.com/thread.jsp?forum=6&thread=37716”

“So far it's still there...”

“"So far it's still there..."

Huh?”

“Violin's thread.”

“What thread? What the hell are you talking about?”

“OK, gotcha.”

“Talk about a troll burning! LOL!

"No that I know of but I am ignorant in the ways of bears. But... I have heard Violin attracts Seamen... and semen attracts Violin."

-DeoreDX”

“Well f*ck me in the goat ass... I didn't know they actually published an article on the subject. I'll have to go pile on the thread then.”

“LOL!”

“There's usually something good about Backpacker mag (did I just say that? In this board?), and I thought the article on Glen Canyon was informative. It's actually in an area that I might get to see (unlike, say, destination articles in Outside mag).

But the sterno question (the water-flow question was pretty absurd, too), the orange hiking boots, and the stone-skipping article were too easy to ridicule.

I wouldn't mind subscribing to a humor magazine, but not when I'm looking for backpacking tips.”

“Nigal, this rant was your best one yet! Good job!”

“All I can say about this month’s offering from Backpacker Mag is, “Holy hot poop on a stick!”. When I found my new issue stuffed in the mailbox I grabbed it and ran for the bathroom for my monthly read. I began to grow suspicious when I got half way through the issue and I had found little to criticize. And it became abundantly clear that I had hit upon a winner of an issue when I realized my legs had gone numb from sitting on the crapper too long. WHAT?! This never happens! It never takes this long to get through an issue and throw it across the bathroom in disgust. Ten minutes tops. But here I still was, with numb legs and a toilet seat imprint on my butt and I still had little to criticize.

After skimming through it and being impressed I had to skip back to the editorial page and read the announcement that John Dorn had at last been fired or was on vacation this month. But no, he’s STILL there. What happened this month? I don’t know, but they did a very good job this month. I have my work cut out for me this month but I shall rise to the occasion. This month’s award winners are somewhat minor so this may be as boring as the Oscars. I was even let down by sure winners such as the “Skills Section”, “Ask Kristin?”, and “The Big Question”.

General Overview:

This is Backpacker’s “fitness issue”. I normally hate it because it is filled with basic knowledge crap that only vaguely applies to hiking. I mean, how the hell do you make a fitness program to prepare you for walking? But this year they couple the issue with lightweight hiking ideas and gear. The Big Question covered religious displays in the wilderness which I think is a very good question and very relevant. The questions for Kristin were somewhat basic but relevant too. Kristin has let me down.


Dead Horse Award:

About the only thing I found to be beat to death is the Mt. Rainier Adventure Guide. This mountain has been done to DEATH. Even so, the maps they provided were very good and were a saving grace. Man, even the Dead Horse Award is milquetoast…


The “We Don’t Know What We’re Talking About” Award

The thing that jumped out at me is the fact that Backpacker continues to give recipes that are so unreasonable. They are normally complicated, require crap I don’t even carry like a skillet and require ingredients that are very hard to find. Spicy Spud Pizza? Are you serious? Potato-Nut Patties? Gag me with a Whisperlight!


The “You Probably Already Know This but We Have to Fill Space” award:

* Page 25 was astounding because they finally put to rest the question that has kept me awake for years, “Is Kansas really flatter than a pancake?”. First off, I don’t care about Kansas and I don’t give a crap how flat it is. Is there hiking in Kansas?

* Baby animals are cute. Who doesn’t know this? Do we really need a 6 page filler to remind us just how cute they are?

* Page 63’s Start Smart guide would have been a treasure trove for ridicule but the bassturds attached it to a great story of a couple newbies on a hike. I can’t win with this issue!!

* Page 103 has a stimulating blurb that reminds us that messages feel good. “Wow, thanks Mr. Obvious. I never made the connection.”. Face it kids, if you need a message at the end of the day you’re either out of shape or you’re carrying too much weight. Yeah, I get sore at the end of the day sometimes but this doesn’t mean I’m going to ask my buddy to rub me down. “Uh, hey Birch, does this message come with a Happy Ending? And do you accept checks?”.

The “I Found the Pearl at the Bottom of the Septic Tank” award:

The crap level in the tank is low and the picking is easy.

* Sign Posts- In the fitness issue they give an example of a 400 pound guy who shed the weight and hit the trail. Very fitting.

* When I came to the dayhike getaways article I though, “Yeah, here we go again with hikes they don’t give enough information about.”, but what’s this? Each hike has a waypoint card complete with coordinates and topos on the back? And they are perforated? This is the winner of the month. Keep this type of thing coming!

* The regional high points section with fold out map was cool.

* The Article “An Overnight Success?”, was cool. We all know the mag is more geared towards newbies but I really like reading stories like this that point out what worked and what didn’t.

* The article about Ted Keizer was neat. I like it when Backpacker visit’s the fringe of hiking with articles like this.

* The Ultralight Makeover in the Gear Section was interesting. I liked the selections for gear they made as they weren’t all high end choices.

* When I hit the skills section and saw this month’s biggy was “How to Play a Harmonica” I thought I hit gold. But what did these bassturds do? They actually talked to a harp player. I should say THE harp player, John Popper. Even with a seemingly idiotic “skill”, you can’t front on dat.

* Saved by the Belt in the Skills Section is one of those gems I wait for. The subject of making due with what ya got is overlooked way too much.

This issue actually makes me look forward to next month’s issue. Will they continue in this fashion or is it just a flash in the pan?”

“I can't wait for my issue, now where's the tp?”

“I'm crushed. I checked this thread looking for a laugh and all I got was a serious report....sigh.”

“Sorry dayhiker. I gotta give credit where credit's due. I thought picturing me with a toilet seat imprint and numb legs might be funny but in looking back, it's just kinda scarey!”

“you just saved me from my own numblegs-coma.....

i can go strait to the recycle box with it.....

[walks away mumbling obscenities]”

“I perused this issue too and the only thing I didn't like was that in the article Ultralight Makeover p 85 they list no before and after weights. I would've liked to have seen the dollar amount spent versus weight savings. But otherwise cool.

LOL @ Nigal. Way TMI about you though dude!”

“I'm sorry Nigal, about your purple butt-ring and numb legs! LOL!”

“I'm just proud you're taking one for the team. You're reading backpackermag so that we don't have to. Talk about a sacrifice!”

“I nominate Nigal for Wingman of the Year.”

“Backpacker Magazine, being the preeminent periodical for the backpacking enthusiast, having their finger firmly on the pulse of the backpacking community has welcomed in the dry season of summer by drying up itself. I can only guess that the editors have a fear of alienating the newbies with the last few months of substance that they have fallen back on the familiar practice of sucking donkey balls. Sit down, strap in and get ready for what I call, “Reasons why having a fondue dinner party at Jeffrey Dalmer’s house is better than reading the June issue of Backpacker.”.

“Junk in Jeneral“:

This issue is chalked full…of crap. This issue has more NOT to do with backpacking than WITH backpacking.

*The cover makes it painfully clear…”Dream Cabins; America’s Best Hike-in Hideaways”. They should have just said, “How to Avoid Doing What This Magazine is Based on and Spend Hundreds of Dollars Doing It!” and be done with it. At least this way I could have avoided getting sucked into it and just chucked the thing across the bathroom straight away and saved the 10 minutes reading.

*Another great article about NOT backpacking is a riveting journey into the mind of Dan Koeppel. A hopeless compulsive/obsessive who climbs stairs in Los Angeles in order to train for Mt. Whitney and his OCD takes over and he can’t stop doing stairs. My advice; get a Stairmaster, a prescription for Paxil and quit trying to write.

*And of course we have the top 69 greatest things about camping. Jumpin’ Judas Priest! Backpacker’s neuroses really come out in this one. It also shows they have no base of backcountry philosophy to stand on. I think the thing that sickened me the most is how they play up the extremist slant people love to give backpacking. If you ain’t a masochist and in some kind of discomfort you just ain’t backpacking and ya ain’t cool! Give me a ball bat please.

-The Trailhead- “Excuse us while we get down and kiss the dirt at the edge of the lot,”. Excuse me while I put my boot in your azz as I walk across your dirt worshiping back as I beat feet for the actual wilderness.
-Outhouses- They kiss the dirt but prefer to crap in a modern facility? How schizophrenic can they get? Do you love the outdoors or NOT?
-False Summits- Yeah, and there’s nothing like a rousing root canal too.
-Hunger- Irritable bowel syndrome is underrated too.
- Campfires- Why won’t these hacks take a stand. We get the LNT doctrine shoved down out throats over and over yet they always advocate fires.
-Nailing the Crux- Save the machismo. Yeah, you climb rocks. Unimpressed. Sorry.
-Earth First!- They wouldn’t join but they’re glad their out there fighting. Yeah, I’m not going to join the Taliban but I’m glad they’re out there fighting.
-Rope Swings- the last time I was resting by the quiet still waters of a backcountry lake looking out over the placid waters the only thing that came to my mind was, “Man, I wish there was a rope swing here.”.
-Camp coffee- Duh! Coffee is like naked women. They are good everywhere and don’t even need to be listed. Some things are above reproach and to list them just makes you look stupid.
-Camping in the Backyard- Oh I just hope and pray that if there is a divine creator that this is a lead in to a whole new issue, “Backcountry Camping is for the Birds: Hit the Back Yard Instead!”.
-Al Franken- This is the point where the magazine got prematurely thrown across the bathroom in a fit of nausea. I always depend on cast members of Saturday Night Live to champion the most important things in my life. Think I’m kidding? I have a WWJBD? Bracelet (What Would Jim Balushie Do?).

*Then just when I think Backpacker has outdone themselves in the “We don’t cater to our real readers” category I get to the article about guides. Grease up the paddles and yell “CLEAR!” because I think I just had a massive infarction! Thanks Backpacker! Now I’m going to leave this world just like Elvis, on the crapper! They give the top reasons why you should get a guide:
-You don’t know where to start- Start by setting fire to this issue of Backpacker Magazine and buy Collin Fletcher’s book. If you don’t know where to start…you ain’t ready to start.
-You don’t have the time or the know-how to apply for a permit- Face it kids, if you are too stupid to figure out how to get a permit chances are you’re too stupid to get a driver’s license in order to drive there. Stay home and watch the Discovery Channel.
-You don’t know which trails are best for you- The trail in the local city park should be all the trail you need or can handle.
-You don’t have the right gear- Chances are you wouldn’t know how to use it anyhow. The only gear you should use is the key card to room #24 at the Ramada Inn.
-You’re intimidated by wilderness- So why do these types want to go hiking anyhow? To impress their friends at the office by saying they did it?
-You’re afraid of bears- everyone knows bears don’t come around guides much less eat their clients. Spot on Backpacker!

Please do us all a favor and keep your mode of travel the suv and your expeditions to the local Starbucks.

“Worthless Gear No One Will Buy”

On page 82 we find maybe the most idiotic piece of gear I’ve ever seen. A tent for your dog. Let me say that once again because I’m in disbelief and I actual saw the damn thing…A TENT FOR YOUR DOG! And a $98 tent at that. If you don’t love your dog enough to have them in your tent or your dog is too spoiled and soft to sleep in the vestibule save the money and steal one of the miniature display tents from the outdoors section down at Sears.

The “No Shlt Sherlock” category:

*We are off to a rousing start where Kristin dispels the great myth and answers the question that has kept us all awake at night…Kmart fleece is NOT as good as Patagonia fleece. Ah! I can finally get a full night’s sleep now. No shlt Sherlock!

*In Signposts we find the story of Matthew Martin who went out solo in Utah, misread his gps AND his map routing by 4 miles, fell down a cliff, called his Mommy on his sat-phone, didn’t stay put, and fell down another cliff. Human behaviorists have narrowed this type of behavior to a specific group of people. Those being white, males, between the ages of 25-45 and have had their subscription to Backpacker an average of 7.3 years.

*Fanny Time- “The joy of a day hike is simple: trail time without a heavy pack. But deciding what to bring can be almost as complicated as packing for a longer trek.”. First, loosen your hockey helmet a bit. It’ll help ya think clearer. It’s bad enough they treats people like ignorant children in the area of backpacking but now they assault day hiking too? For having taken the catchy slogan of “Get Out More!” they sure do try to over complicate things.

“Gag Me With a Whisperlight!”

Backpacker’s cornucopia of dishes no one would eat if they were part of the Donner Party this month are Tomato Basil Couscous and Savory Black Beans Over Brown Rice. Yummy! Please pass me your dirty underwear cause that sounds better for dinner than this. Is it just me or does Backpacker Mag own stock in the chickpea trade? Seems like every recipe has chickpeas in it. Then on the next page we have this month’s rip off of TownDog’s Titanium Chef and a recipe for Sticky Finger Rice Pudding. Now this one Is yummy but who the hell carries a can of sweetened condensed milk in their pack. Oh wait! We can have the guide carry it! The only sticky finger anything I get on the trail is from scratching my azz.

“Things you Didn’t Know About…and don’t give a shlt about in the first place but hey, we gotta fill space…“

*“Pearl at the Bottom of the Septic Tank”

This was a tough one. The little blurb about the Iceman’s Shoes was pretty cool but it was right beside the blurb about the retarded Hike-inator invention that is so 5 minutes ago. I then thought the Joshua Tree guide was pretty good but do we need yet another article about California destinations 99% of us will never go to? I guess it would have to fall upon the ad on page 91 called The Inside Story on Hot Spot Great Sex! That teaches about a supplement called “The Ropes” that will make you the best lover in the world. I just hope my right arm doesn’t get inordinately larger than my left. Pretty bad when the ads are better than the articles.

*Sunsets. They’re pretty to look at. That’s all you need to know. Move on! In the same Skills section Backpacker tells us all the great things you can do with extra rope. They did happen to leave off one important use though. Use the rope hang your self from a shower curtain rod after you’re done reading this issue of Backpacker Magazine!”

“Each month I look forward to your report way more than to the mag. In a sick way I feel compelled to keep my subscription renewed just so I can appreciate your critique that much more.”

“That is sick. Perhaps Nigal should send his copy to you with his markups in the margins so you don't have to pay for your subscription?

We could pass it around to all the TT'ers. Or at least until it disintegrated.”

“I know, mine's almost up but I have so much fun I'm going to re-up. Then again I might not have a choice because they like to do that automaticlly now. I don't mind taking one for the team if it will save someone else the pain and discomfort of actually having to read it themselves. LOL!”

“How about a review of "Ask Dr. Ginger".”

“I've let my subscription run out. I enjoy reading Nigal's reviews much more than I ever enjoyed reading the magazine.

Thanks, Nigal for "taking one for the team".”

“I generally can’t rip on her. She does give some good advice and besides, when I see that picture of her in that tight yellow tank top my mind blanks out and all thought process shift from big head to little head. If I hiked with her I’d manage some way to get bit by a snake in the groin just to get treated by her.

"Hey Ginger, do you "know the ropes"? I do..."”

“I guess there is a "special reading" time for Dr. Ginger then.”

“Nigal, you've surpassed yourself this time. You wrote a brilliant review, even if I can't judge the accuracy because I don't read the mag any more.

I'm e-mailing this to all my friends that love the out of doors.

Thanks,

Doug”

“Thanks for reading it so the rest don't have to. Now that's a sacrifice.”

“My Backpacker Mag was sitting in the old mailbox when I returned home Sunday.

What a complete waste of trees for the paper.
Stories on best places to CAR CAMP.
Has ads of SUVs driving thru rivers and streams.
Has ads for sex drugs.
Many many ads of big CAR CAMPING tents.

Nigal has let us down by not warning us with a post to this thread. ;-)”

“Once again, I am convinced it is a piece of #&%!$ magazine, and I haven't even seen it.”

“I haven't gotten it yet. Maybe today it'll come and I can get down to bid-ness. Sorry your discomfort and time could not be spared. LOL!

Were there any more dumb ideas like drying your boots with a water bottle?”

“Ha, Nigal, my old friend.

Do you think if we started our own magazine?

Lizs is in the business....”