My Monthly Friend Has Come

“You know they who shall not be named read these threads. Now they know who you are. Wonder if your issues will come on a timely basis or whether they will arrive all torn up. Make sure no one has peed on it before you start reading it. lol

Depending on how I placed the order, I could have had their free gift sent to you, "The Essential Gear Guide," or something like that. I figured you already knew all that. And that's the same gift they've been giving for a while. Of course, to get the free gift, I would have paid $4 or $5 more for the subscription.”

“"Well Clark, thats the gift that keeps on giving."”

“"Make sure no one has peed on it before you start reading it. lol"

Yeah, I'd hate to wipe my butt with pages that are already soiled!

"Depending on how I placed the order, I could have had their free gift sent to you, "The Essential Gear Guide," or something like that."

Ah yes, the great "Take a Look at Our Biggest Sponsor's Gear You'd Be a Loser Not to Buy".

LOL! I'm all warmed up and chomping at the bit for my first issue I'll have issues with!”

“Nigal, she probably had your free gift sent to her address :)”

“Hey, no chomping on me! Especially Nigal!”

“What I want to know is who the TAMPAXers are that are "padding" my thread. Come on, you can let it "leak" out. Hopefully this thread will really sprout "wings" and take off. At least for a short "period" of time.”

“This is funny! I am going to have to sign my extremly right conseritave friend with the Sierra Club and the National Parks Conversation Association.

He feels the only good use for a tree is to burn it.”

“I sent my sister in law a free trail size set of adult diapers once. She wasn't amused. We also signed her up for Miracle Ear.”

“I'm PMSing.






Come on, come on, come on!”

“oh i didn't say that. I'll take it all back.
no proof whats o ever...

good night...I now have to force myself to lay down and go to sleep.
last edited: 12/29/04 12:37:21 AM”

“Darn it, I missed it, Gem.

I'm going to force myself to lay down and go to sleep, too. I had way too much wine and too much fun earlier this evening.

Nitey night!”

“I’ve been chomping at the bit to get my first issue and yesterday I see a mag in the mailbox with an Iceland ad on the back and I think, “It finally came!”. I sat down and started skimming through it. I kept thinking, “This is pretty good. Damn. What’s with the new format? These bassturds are ripping off Adventure! Hey, wait a second, what’s Robert Young Pelton doing writing for Backpacker? Did NG buy them out or something?”. Looked at the front and it was my Adventure mag. Dumbass!

I went ahead and bought the latest issue at the news stand to get a jump on it. LOL!”

“I have been PMSing myself. Where in the heck is it?

I think we've been blackballed. They're on to us.”

“I haven't gotten mine yet either, although I'm not really looking for it...”

“I think this is one of the off months where ya don't get one. They need a breather to compile more bean curd recipes and test $500 tents.”

“I figured it would arrive this weekend, while I'm out backpacking...”

“They've got the new issue at Barnes and Noble.”

“Mmmmm, Backpacker Mag and a Frapachino. It's yuppy heaven man!”

“Don’t you hate it when something inevitable you dread finally happens and then you are relieved thinking you’re safe and then BAB! It happens again? Like root canal or a prostrate exam. I was totally blindsided when I got Backpacker’s Gear Guide a mere week after getting my first issue. “WTF? I should have a whole month off from these morons! What are they doing invading my mail box again already?”. So it is with great pleasure and much consternation that I give you the My Monthly Friend Has Come Super Duper Double Bonus Issue! I’m combining the “Reader’s Choice Awards but We Still Don’t Give a Crap What They Think” issue and the “You Aren’t Smart Enough to Pick Out Your Own Gear Without Us Gear Guide/Advertisement” Issue.


General Overview:

I was so glad to see nothing changed with Backpacker sense my last issue. The February issue is all about the readers. That’s right, it’s all about you and me. It’s the readers choice awards. Well, not really because only a couple thousand reads out of a 300,000 reader circulation participated but still, they represent us all. This issue is also all about getting out in your own area on local trails. So it’s no surprise when I, an Ohioan, received my New England issue absolutely chocked full of vague descriptions of trails that are no where near me. Thanks guys!

The Gear Guide is, well, the gear guide. I really didn’t think this thing could suck any worse than it did last year but, TODA! I would think that over achieving at under achieving would be an impossible oxy-moron but somehow the gang down at Rodale has done it. Amazing! They help us lowly mentally challenged hikers by making easy to follow picture brackets so we know what kind of gear to buy. Thanks Backpacker! BTW- where are the hockey helmet reviews? They further screwed the whole issue up by not giving any pictures with the endless, mind numbing gear charts. I like the old format.

“Dead Horse Section”

In the Adventure Section we have yet another Alaska article. Alaska for Pennies! Forget the facts they give hardly any usable information at all. Just some guy writing about how he went somewhere we will never get to, stood on top of a hill with his arms raised in victory for having suckered Backpacker into paying him to go there.

“We Don’t Know What We’re Talking About”

Good gravy where do I start!? How many times have I cracked the cover of this magazine after reading headlines on the cover promising such things as “Snowshoeing 201” and, “Survive a Blizzard” only to find the sorriest excuse for instructional information I’ve ever seen? They can take the most technical of subjects and break it down to 100 words or less. Why even try? The surviving a blizzard was nothing more than a blurb. But when it comes to something like “How to Do It in the Outdoors” we get a whole page.

“Recipes No One Will Ever Make or Like”

I am at a loss for words this month. We have gobs and gobs of yummy-licious recipes in this issue. But, of course, it requires you to carry frozen pie crusts, maple syrup, fresh fruits, whole apples, potatoes, as well as things like fresh water cress leaves and Stilton cheese. Can someone please tell me what the phuck Stilton cheese is anyhow? Gold start to anyone here who can. This month’s gem is the recipe for Peppered Venison In Bacon With Wild Rice Risotto. How much easier, convenient and fast does back country cooking get? Easy pleasy lemon squeezy! I’m saving this one for the first time I hike with Bison. He’ll love waiting on me to cook this…

Bison: Yo Nig, how phucking long are you going to be?
Nigal: Be patient Bison. I have to get the venison demi-glace to smoking hot in the skillet. It can’t cook. It has to SEAR.
[womp! Womp! Womp! Sound of Bison beating me into unconsciousness with his trekking poles]

“Did You Know? Did You Even Care?”

-You would have to eat 5 Philly cheese steaks at 900 calories each to refuel after hiking the Camel’s Hump loop trail in Vermont’s Green Mountains. Thanks Backpacker! I’m finally ready to go on Jeopardy! Hey, here’s some trivia for ya Backpacker; I can create approximately 1,500 BTUs of heat from burning your rag in my fire place. How’s that for useful information? But then again, would any of us even be surprised if Backpacker suggested carrying five Phillies on the trail? I wouldn’t.

-The blurb about what kind of music the top guides listen to on their iPods was a total gass! I feel as though I am a much more complete person knowing that Mike Gauthier likes Steely Dan.

The readers polls are just chalk full of great fodder.
-Angelina Jolie beat Jesus by 36 places to win the Dream Hiking Partner contest. “Sorry Jesus. We know your like the Son of God and all but we really need Angelina’s big, fat, poutty lips to blow on my Winter Cress soup.”.
-Favorite underwear was briefs and commando came in last with 11% because Backpacker is all cutting edge and stuff. Who cares what panties you wear? The only thing I care about other’s undies is that they keep the stinking things off my side of the tent.
-#4 in the favorite outdoor organizations was the NRA which they highlighted as if to say, “Who let the rednecks in?”.
-The #8 item in the Your Top 10 Essentials category was condoms. That just puts the POO in poo-nanny!

“Dumbest Gear I’ve Ever Seen”

-On page 15 we find a piece of gear that dwarfs such great achievements as gore-Tex, sil nylon and the gps. It’s the 2-in-1 Mini Fridge. It is basically a bottle holder that keeps a single beverage cold or hot and it plugs into your lighter in your car. Writes the Bacpacker Gear Guru, “You return from a five day expedition [they don’t do hikes at Rodale Press. They do “expeditions”.] to find a frosty Red Stripe waiting.”. What a concept! Be sure to program in the local towing company’s number so you can call them to come give you jump because you killed your battery. And preprogram in Jonathan Dorn’s home phone number so you can call him to come bail your ass out of jail when you get picked up for DWI when you hit the road. And why Red Stripe? Yuppy ass bags…
-The GSI Lexan Margarita Glass on page 15 is a must have in the backcountry as well. I mean, come on, how could any self respecting yuppy drink a margarita from a Nalgene? Imagine the shame if any of your fellow Sierra Club members found out you were slumming it by drinking from a common water bottle! Lexas forbid!
-On page 18 they revealed with much pomp and fan fare that the Hind company has hired three designers from Victoria Secret to “amp up” [Backpacker’s so kool!] it’s line of wicking underwear. That’s right, you may be sweaty, dirty and smell like low tide but damn do you look sexy! I\'m sure when these new undies come out that condoms will rocket to #1 on the Top 10 Essintials list next year.

“Moment of Chuckage”

The Moment of Chuckage is a new category. This is the moment when I can take no more and the magazine gets chucked across the bathroom. This moment usually sneaks up on me at the most unexpected times. A single sentence is normally at fault. This month it came when I read the first line in the review of the Princeton Tec Pilot headlamp…”Say your headlamp dies- just as the fondue starts to bubble.”. This single sentence epitomizes the magazine in a nutshell. Phucking FONDUE? “It’s not FONdue. It’s FUNdue! Yay Backpacker! Yay yuppies!” CHUCK!!

“Pearl at the Bottom of the Septic Tank”

I’m still loving the maps Backpacker is providing. Especially the little pull out cards with way points of interest on them. It is their saving grace.

This issue of My Monthly Friend has been brought to you by the good folks at T.A.M.P.A.X.

Trailtalkers
Against
Mamby
Pamby
And
eXpensivepublications.
last edited: 1/25/05 11:19:52 AM”

“Nigal, when I looked at the "Southeastern edition" issue, it had a half-page on "the south," and the rest was out west. Niiiice.”

“LMFAO!

You are posting this on the other side, yes? Perhaps with a more obvious title?”

“BM, someone over there already ripped them for the gear guide.

well I haven't received mine yet so Nigal thanks for ruining it for me. I can start looking at it mad already.

I wonder what the northeast edition has in it....the northwest maybe”

“AAAAHHHHH!!!

I feel refreshed.
This has become one of my favorite threads ever.

Especially the "Moment of Chuckage"”

“Ewker is cranky because his monthly friend hasn't come yet.”

“LMFAO I hope those bastards read your reports”

“HPM, no problems there I have been fixed”

“lol”

“Nigal... thanks for a good laugh! :-)”

“But this is a work of Art and should be on the other side.”

“I won't post it over there cause it's just too blatant. But if someone else were to do a cut and paste job...well...”

“atleast you didn't have a turd in it...

well...

not literally anyway...

i hope...”

“LMAO

Thanks for taking one for the team Nigal.”

“i will post it over there, doesn't bother me”

“Maybe I should start a “I Found a Turd in My Mail Box” thread?”

““atleast you didn't have a turd in it...

well...

not literally anyway...

i hope...”
sacco
11:34:55 AM
1/25/05
ignore this user

It might by now.
last edited: 1/25/05 11:37:53 AM”

“Just be sure to clean up the language or it'll get ripped down for sure.”

“Excellent review, Nigal!”

“Classic as always.”

“Too late. It's up. Good one Ewker! Now, shall we start the betting on how fast it comes down? Got posted at 12:31 PM...tick tock tick tock.

http://forums.backpacker.com/forum.jspa?forumID=6
last edited: 1/25/05 11:42:26 AM”

“nigal, i'd be careful after all that turtle supertroll personal info stuff.

if two guys named ant'nie and guido show up at your door w/in the next 24 hours - don't answer it!”

“Holy #&%!$! Why's it gone?”

“it got 2 replies then "poof" it was gone”

“It's be Dorn and BP2Go showing up. LOL!

Wow! It didn't make it 10 minutes over there!”

“That didn't take long.”

“LMAO and I got a mention, I feel so special. But two things, number one, although I'm not generally PC, I don't think I'd call you "Nig" and two I wouldn't beat you with my trekking "poles", I only have one, I'd beat you with my trekking pole.”

“#&%!$ Ewker - I think your question thread is being whacked!”

“Maybe if the dirty words and the TAMPAX reference were taken out and reposted?”

“Screw that, there's an autocensor. Maybe a new ploy? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................................


LOL! I've gotten so use to "cute" spellings that I thought it was no big deal over there.

So all someone has to do is clean up the lingo and post it?
last edited: 1/25/05 12:08:54 PM”

“LOL Ewker!”

“back up, will it last this time”