george carlin (long)

“GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent ...and so very appropriate post 9-11. The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions,! but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are! days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that per! son will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares?

-George Carlin”

“George Carlin is one of the most eloquent voices of our time. i have seen him live several times and he, besides being outspoken, possesses the greatest command of the language in terms of relating to everyday people that I have ever had the pleasure of listening to. Thanx for posting that, Mrs. Chili!”

“WOW, I am almost in tears! That was one of the most beatiful thins I have ever read. Big time thanks for posting that!

Have a great weekend everybody!”

“thins=things”

“A lot of (younger) people only know George from his highly popularized "7 words" monologue, but for those of us "old" people who were exploring alternatives in the late '60's & 70's, he was a source of inspiration. Cool guy, George.”

“Sorry, but George Carlin didn't write this.

snopes page”

“Interesteing Bloodpusher, when I read it, I could somehow see George presenting this in my mind.

Hmmm, maybe I spent too much time in the '60's exploring said "alternatives". Won't be the first time I've been told that!”

“Who cares, I like George and he quoted this then. I like it anyway.”

“Why do people take it personally when I debunk something they've posted? There's nothing personal about the way I do it. It's fine if you like it, good, I'm glad. But it's misattributed.

Did you read the link, Mrschili? Here are Carlin's thoughts about being associated with this piece.”

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
--George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
--George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
--George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
--George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
--George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
--George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
--George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
--George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
--George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
--George Carlin”

“... to widely scattered light.

Hey, I don't care who these lines are from (the link took too long to load), but they echo my thoughts exactly.”

“Me too, cookie monster”

“1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

25. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. How is it possible to have a civil war?

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

29. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

30. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

31. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

32. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

33. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

34. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

37. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?”

“Carlin's awesome. A few more of his:
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”

“Give a man a boat and let him sit in it drinking beer all day and he will learn to tell great "fishing" tales.

When I used to live near the Tennessee River, the local fish market would be crowded on Sunday afternoon with all the "fishermen" stopping to buy live catfish so they could go home and tell the wives how many they caught.”

“21. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

smell perhaps !!

But then, what do they do when they have a cold?”

“Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?”

“while driving home from ARK/MO a month or so ago I listened to George Carlin on tape and I was upset....he said some mean things about southerners....I was upset and I am not even a southerner....some of his stuff was funny...but I finally shut it off cause I thought he was being ugly!!!”

“divinity, always the sensitive one.

such a sweetie!”

“anybody who likes carlin should give bill hicks a listen, or lenny bruce”

“Carlin takes shots at society and through the years, probably hasn't missed anyone yet. So, either the humor is for you or it isn't. But, he doesn't really pick on anyone in particular. He satirizes life and the people therein...”

“In other words he is an equal opportunity shot taker.”

“Eggs-actly!”

“Well..I was offended...LOL.I threw the tapes away.....”

“WOW!

Carlin never did worry about it, he probably knew he was offending someone most fo the time.

Anybody remember the seven words you can't say on tv?

And,

did anyone else find it ironic that Carlin played the conductor on thats kids tv show about the train?”

“#&%!$
f!ck
@sshole
c!nt
c!cksucker
#&%!$
fair and balanced”

“the banned words were chit and kitty”

“



GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples' version of looting.


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done..


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the #&%!$. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' Ooooh, you're a huge #&%!$.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

”

“I always found Carlin to be overly pessimistic and boring. Lewis Black is much better IMHO.”