Joke of the day

“If a new friend asked you to go backpacking, and you got drunk on the trail and when you woke up your butt was sore, would you tell anyone?
No?
Wanna go backpacking?”

“Okay, who left the #&%!$ing door open again?

We will never keep out the trash unless we enforce the membership card rule.”

“DANG! You post a bad joke and you're trash and not in the club. This place is harsh.”

“i still love you”

“Would you ask your buddy if he had a funny taste in his mouth?”

“I dont get it”

“If your butt is sore then maybe you at least got something out of it which..... What would cause him to have a funny taste in HIS mouth and cause you to get something out of it at the same time?”

“That's like the one where the wino who says,

"Nah --- gimme the cheap stuff. That expensive stuff makes my ass hurt."”

“If you invite a Southern Baptist to play golf with you, why must you invite TWO Baptists, instead of just ONE? Because if you only invite ONE Baptist, he drinks all your beer.”

“Hiliary Clinton died and went to heaven. She saw all these clocks around her and then she saw God. She asked why there were clocks around her. God told her that each clock represented each person and how many lies they told. God said to look at Mother Theresa's clock: It pointed to 12 o'clock because she told no lies. Hiliary Clinton asked where her husband's clock was, and God said, "That thing, Jesus has that in his room. He uses that as a celing fan."”

“Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "that's funny, we have a drink named after you".
Grasshopper says "really?? you have a drink named Leonard?"”

“Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
(Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples
...this hatred ... this spitting in shoes ... and peeing in Cokes?"



The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."”

“Good one Nigal”

“First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."”

“EWWWWW LOL”

“A Catholic Priest and a Mormon Bishop sit next to each other on a plane.
Priest:"Bishop, are you guys still not allowed to have coffee?" Bishop: "No, we're not"
Priest: "Have you ever broken down and tried it?"
Bishop: "Yes I did, once"

A while later

Bishop: "Father, are you still not allowed to have sex?"
Priest: "No, we're not"
Bishop: "Have you ever broken down and tried it?"
Priest: "Yes, once"
Bishop: "It's better than coffee, isnt it?"”

“chuckle chuckle, I like coffee and all, but,,,, he's right.”

“Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the
courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
you'll be jailed for contempt."”

“YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote”

“Husband and wife are getting ready for bed.

The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled,
my boobs are barely above my waist,
my bum is hanging out a mile.
I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says.....

"Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says..........
"well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".”

“And manuka slowly walked into the living room and curled up on the couch...”

“There was a farmer from Minnesota that got ticked off about all the jokes going back and forth between Minnesotans and Iowans. He got so mad he drove to the border, took a stick of dynamite, and with all the strength he could muster, threw it into Iowa. An Iowa farmer, seeing what had happened, walked over and calmly picked up the stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it back.”

“From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: Cavemates
Subject: Cave Memo

Hi guys. We’ve all been putting in long hours, but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no ‘I’ in team” as well as the one that says “Hang In There, Baby”. That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background or make funny faces at the camera. Just while we’re taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We’re all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote “Osama” on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Achmed, and Mike.

Love you lots,

Osama”

“hah! hilarious Buck”

“How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand.”

“The Man Quiz

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will go far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.

===================================

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
===================================

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
===================================

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
===================================

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is...

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
===================================

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon, you're watching a football game when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That you also have strong feelings for her, but you don't know when you will be ready for that kind of commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

===================================

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come as it may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

===================================”

“lmao. Funny stuff, Buck!”

“All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the
one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems,
so without me nothing would happen".


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over so
without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give
all
of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it
needs to go."


"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where
it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste
removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff,
he shut down tight.


Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated,
the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all
decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?


The a$$hole is usually in charge.”

“How true, how true”

“WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??
The day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue.
It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
"Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"”

“Could be lard!”

“Cute dub”

“I gotta kick out of it, lol”

“That one's like the sidewalk.


It's all over town....”

“Nice!”

“You know why they call it PMS?









'Cause MAD COW DISEASE was already taken.”

“oooooooooo Ouch!”

“A drunken old man walks into a biker bar. He staggers to a table of three, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"”

“Q. - What do you say to a woman with two black eyes.







































A. - Nothing, you already told her twice.”

“Your wife is banging on the front door 'cause she lost her keys and can't get in. Your dog is barking and scratching to get in at the back door. It's pouring down rain. Who do you let in first.






















The dog, it'll shut up once you let it in.”

“A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.”

“A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She a sks him why is he staring and he replies, "I
have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothi ng you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic
too!
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
party."”

“Haha, I haven't heard that one in years”

“Q. What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?



























A. Get out of my sun.”

“A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.

The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord, have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my
license."
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to
the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."”

“Three Texan surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianistlost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both armsand legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.”

“When I was a boy I asked my dad for $10 so I could get a Ginny pig. He gave me a 50 and told me to get a nice girl.”

“Knock knock....”

“whos there”

“orange”