Hank loves you.

“This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary:
Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:
"Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John:
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the crap out of you."
Me:
"What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John:
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me:
"That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary:
"Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me:
"Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John:
"Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me:
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary:
"Oh yes, all the time..."
Me:
"And has He given you a million dollars?"
John:
"Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me:
"So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary:
"You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the crap out of you."
Me:
"Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John:
"My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me:
"Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John:
"Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me:
"So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary:
"Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me:
"What's that got to do with Hank?"
John:
"Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me:
"I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John:
"But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the crap out of you."
Me:
"Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary:
"No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me:
"Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John:
"Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me:
"Who's Karl?"
Mary:
"A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me:
"And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John:
"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."




From the desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.Use alcohol in moderation.
3.Kick the crap out of people who aren't like you.
4.Eat right.
5.Hank dictated this list Himself.
6.The moon is made of green cheese.
7.Everything Hank says is right.
8.Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.Don't use alcohol.
10.Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the crap out of you.




Me:
"This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary:
"Hank didn't have any paper."
Me:
"I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John:
"Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me:
"I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary:
"Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me:
"I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the crap out of people just because they're different?"
Mary:
"It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me:
"How do you figure that?"
Mary:
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me:
"Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John:
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me:
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John:
"There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me:
"Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary:
"But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me:
"I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John:
"Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me:
"We do?"
Mary:
"Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me:
"You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John:
"Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me:
"But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary:
She blushes.
John:
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me:
"What if I don't have a bun?"
John:
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me:
"No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary:
She looks positively stricken.
John:
He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me:
"So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary:
Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John:
"That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me:
"It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary:
She faints.
John:
He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the crap out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.”

“are you really bored????”

“I'm just trying to figure out a way to get in touch with Hank directly. Have you met him?”

“Dang Phead.

I can't believe you posted that! How dare you insult Hank! Hank is loved and revered by millions of people so you know that so many people CAN'T be wrong!

If you don't straighten up, Hank is going the kick the crap out of you soooooo hard.”

“Y'all are just WAY too weird sometimes....and THIS is one of them.......”

“No way! I eat all my weiners without condiments. That has to count for something!

I'm getting a million dollars, baby!”

“Are you sure it said Hank and not Buck?!?!”

“Hehehehe. Nothing funnier than a fundamentalist Hankian!”

“Karl said Hank. That's good enough for me.”

“There is only one Hank and Karl is his prophet.”

“Phaedrus...you have an incredible memory. You should be a court reporter, or something.”

“So let me see if I've got this straight -

Hank = God
Karl = Moses?
Million Dollars = Heaven
Weiner = Sex
Kick the crap = hell

What's yer point?”

“wow.”

“"Hank is loved and revered by millions of people ..."humanpackmule Yep!”

“LOL Nowslimmer.”

“I think you mean this one:

”

“Darn it!

Hank the angry dwarf”

“Maybe it's this Hank...

http://www.ziplink.net/~sven77/southpark11.htm”

“ok...but who or what are the condiments????”

“I like ketchup and mustard on my weiners, buns are good, but bread works if you don't have a bun.”

“No Bun, no weiner, Roam.

Hank says so and Hank is always right.”

“sorry....I HAVE to have ketchup..........

WHAT are the condiments????”

“Ah... The Classics!

LMAO !!”

“can't anyone tell me what the condiments are????

:(”

“Noooooooo condiments.

10th Commandment.”

“Thou shall not covet.....”

“I was listening to Hank...Williams this evening!”

“You better kiss my ass, you weinerless twit or I will beat the crap out of you!”

“Now, get me a beer



and none for you!”

“The condiments are the people who try to corupt the true Hankians.

But then again, if weiners=sex,....

ah...use your own imagination!”

“Lookout Hank, or we're gonna kick the crap outta YOU!


now Kiss My Ass,
give me a million dollars,
and get the Hell outta town.”

“Put your weiner in a bun and I will give you a million bucks”

“ummmm...ppls...this is one scary thread. And the even scarier part...I read the whole thing...GOD I HAVE THE TT VIRUS!!! Doomed am I with the rest of you...oh well ;-)”

“Whenever there is a man and a woman at your door that you have never seen before, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! Chances are they are johovah witnesses!”

“and you will never be able to make Hankians out of them”

“...yeah, baby.....”

“This is a simple story about Moses and the 10 Condiments. Of course you must be 'stoned' to understand it, but hey. Long story short, we must mustard up the strength so Hanky panky cannot ketchup to us and get us in a dicey pickle. Do not relish your neighbors buns. Seek salivation, for olive us are sinners. Thou shalt give the cloves off your back to those less fortunate. Mayo family live in peace; yesterday, today, and tomato. Amen.”

“: "Whenever there is a man and a woman at your door that you have never seen before, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! Chances are they are johovah witnesses!"

Or they could be from the Reader's Digest Sweepstakes attempting to give you a check for $1,000,000.”

“well, rumor has it that mamabear has a better chance of being invited on a trip than any of us have at winning a million. I remain a working fool.”

“Really clever, Buck. That was so full of puns, it was great!”

“I can't believe I just read this whole thread. I need my fukin head examined.
Whoever came up with this stuff should have the crap kicked out of them.”

“Gotta admit buck...as f'd up as this thread is...that is pretty well done buck. God...and the thread continues.....”

“I am not sure that this thread is appropriate on your Thanksgiving Day.









Also, it's at times like this that I'm REALLY glad to be Canadian (jk). LOL, and happy Thanksgiving down there.”

“omg BUCK....LMAO.......”

“I'm with ya Gremilin!”

“Those of you that are trying to read into the script above need to understand: This is the real, literal, and only interpretation of the work:

Kiss hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars. Don't and he'll kick the crap out of you.

It's a million dollars. What have you got to lose?”

“Apparently you did have something to lose phaedrus because you didn't kiss it! If you had this thread would have been 5 lines long and end of story”

“It's true. I'm not worthy, and I'm going to get the crap kicked out of me. Thing is: My fate doesn't have to be yours! Kiss his ass now!”

“Puckerup Hank!”

“Pheadus, you can kiss my ass! Alla be praised!”