The 2004 TT Democratic Caucus (satire)

“Moderator Phil: I will ask today's candidates several questions in which they shall keep thier answers to 2 minutes. Thank you in advance for your cooperation and fair play.

Question #1 - Should you be elected president, what would you do about the situation in Iraq?

Congressman Pheadrus: I would build a consensus among the other leaders of NATO, and develop a plan to return control of the country to the Iraqi people as soon as possible.

Mayor Mutt: I would remove our troops immediately, and begin a congressional investigation into Halliburton and the Bush administration!

Ambassador Buddha Bear: I'd pull out, even if I was wearing a condom. Those things aren't 100% safe ya know!

Inmate Alaska (aka USA): I'd drop Bush over Baghdad and use Cheney's head to drill for oil.

General Tom Terrific: I'd reinstate Saddam, and remove all of our troops immediately. Then I'd take the tax cuts and give the money to gear junkies like Pennsy.

Senator Laqtis: I'd use those troops to invade Crawford Texas, and remove the Weapon of Dumbass Destruction, GWB.

Secretary Tilt: I'd consult the astrological charts, and then, regardless of what they said, would launch George Bush to Mars.

Chairman Violin: I'd pull our troops out, and send former president Bush a virus. Well, I guess I'd have to teach him how to use a computer first, which means I'll have to teach him how to read..... aw hell, I'd lock him in a room with crack addicts!

Question #2, coming soon!”

“Applause, applause.”

“Phil: How would you deal with job losses and the corporate scandals that are plauging the country?

Chairman Violin: I am not for the death penalty, but I'd make an exception for dirty CEO's and allow them to be hung publicly. I'd also raise tariffs to offset job losses.

Secretary Tilt: I'd create a million new jobs with my "Launch Bush and Dirty CEO's to Mars" Initiative which would solve both problems. The plan is simple; build spacecraft to go to Mars, never to return.

Senator Laqtis: In my plan, I would work a deal with developed nations to gain all of thier license plate manufacturing business. Then, from prison, the CEO's would be able to finally do something productive. I'd take the finacial gains from the license plates and invest it in tax incentives for small and medium sized business to hire new employees.

General Tom Terrific:I would re-regulate all the energy companies in America, placing them under government control, and make the former CEO's of the company work for minimum wage.

Inmate Alaska: I have no viable solution.

Ambassador Buddha Bear: I will develop a plan that will allow single males to invest money that they would have thrown away on the dating process, into a tax sheltered annuity, that would allow them to develop small businesses. As part of the plan, the dirty CEO's would clean the bathrooms at local strip clubs.

Mayor Mutt: I'd charge 24.95 pay-per-view for Americans to see the dirty CEO's drawn and quartered LIVE! Then I'd take the revenues and create government jobs researching and producing alternative sources of energy.

Congressman Phaedrus: To the CEO's: "Asta La Vista Baby". To the American Worker: "I'll be back!".

Question #3 coming soon.”

“Applause, applause.”

“The crowd murmurs and whispers during the intermission...”

“LMAO!!!”

“Next question, please.”

“Question #3

Phil: Brintney Spears. Are they real or fake?

Chairman Violin: Real

Secretary Tilt: Real

Senator Laqtis: Real

General Tom Terrific: Real

Inmate Alaska: Fake, and the amount of silicone mined used to make them killed several spotted owls.

Ambassador Buddha Bear: I'm going to have to do some hands on reasearch before I can answer the question accurately.

Mayor Mutt: Real

Congressman Phaedrus: Fake

Question #4 Coming Soon”

“ohmigod, that's funny!!”

“Weapon of Dumbass Destruction... LMAO!!!

This stuff is too funny!!”

“Ambassador Boober Bear, you may want to enlist the help of Der Gropenfuhrer for that "hands-on" stuff.”

“ROFFLMDAO”

“OY! They're real with a wonderbra!”