Cute Jokes......

“I went to the store the other day, and I was in there
for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a
damn cop writing out a parking ticket. So I went up to
him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy
a break?" He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. So I called him a pencil-dick Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a piece of horse #&%!$. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more
I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

In reality,I didn't give a #&%!$. My car was around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.”

“ESPECIALLY if the car belongs to some a-hole you know.....”

“Lesson 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull#&%!$ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird fell to the ground in a large field. A little boy saw him and stuck him in a pile of fresh cow poop so he wouldn't freeze. After a while the little bird began to thaw out. He lay there all warm and happy, then he stuck his head out and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!


The Morals Of The Story Are:

1. Not everyone who puts you into #&%!$ is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of #&%!$ is your friend.
3. And if you're up to your neck in #&%!$, it doesn't pay to advertise.”

“LMAO....lol..good one......”

“I hadn't heard the first two before, but that last one is a Classic, LOL”

“I do LOVE a good joke!!!”

“Variation on the 3rd joke

Moral #3
...if you are warm and happy in a pile of Sh1t, keep your mouth shut.”

“My version is, 'when you're in #&%!$, shut up. It's not really a cvulgar word (merde) in French and so I tell the story to my students. I also tell them not to get into a p!$$!ng contest with a skunk (I'm the skunk).”

“Be careful when you read this.............it will make you laugh out loud


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take
the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....




I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word... he knew better.


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice

just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard”

“My thanks to Susan for that”

“LOL mtnsteve, those were hillarious!”

“ROTFLMAO.....I'll have to send these to some people they'll appreciate them.”

“Dangitall, I was trying get Laurel to fall asleep when I started reading that one, Mtsteve!”

“Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.”

“Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama)
>
> Collards is green,
> my dog's name is Blue
> and I'm so lucky
> to have a sweet thang like you.
>
> Yore hair is like cornsilk
> a-flapping in the breeze.
> Softer than Blue's
> and without all them fleas.
>
> You move like the bass,
> which excite me in May.
> You ain't got no scales
> but I luv you anyway.
>
> Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
> jist a-fry'n in the pan.
> Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
> right out of the can.
>
> You have some'a yore teeth,
> for which I am proud;
> I hold my head high
> when we're in a crowd.
>
> On special occasions,
> when you shave under yore arms,
> well, I'm in hawg heaven,
> and awed by yore charms.
>
> Still them fellers at work,
> they all want to know,
> what I did to deserve
> such a purdy, young doe.
>
> Like a good roll of duct tape
> yo're there fer yore man,
> to patch up life's troubles
> and fix what you can.
>
> Yo're as cute as a junebug
> a-buzzin' overhead.
> You ain't mean like those far ants
> I found in my bed.
>
> Cut from the best cloth
> like a plaid flannel shirt,
> you spark up my life
> more than a fresh load of dirt.
>
> When you hold me real tight
> like a padded gunrack,
> my life is complete;
> Ain't nuttin' I lack.
>
> Yore complexion, it's perfection,
> like the best vinyl sidin'.
> despite all the years,
> yore age, it keeps hidin'.
>
> Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
> with a RC cold drank,
> we go together
> like a skunk goes with stank.
>
> Some men, they buy chocolate
> for Valentine's Day;
> They git it at Wal-Mart,
> it's romantic that way.
>
> Some men git roses
> on that special day
> from the cooler at Kroger.
> "That's impressive," I say.
>
> Some men buy fine diamonds
> from a flea market booth.
> "Diamonds are forever,"
> they explain, suave and couth.
>
> But for this man, honey,
> these won't do.
> Cause yor'e too special,
> you sweet thang you.
>
> I got you a gift,
> without taste nor odor,
> more useful than diamonds...
> IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
>
> Luv, from yor valentine pal!”

“Subject: Seven degrees of Blond


> FIRST DEGREE
> >
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.
> > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
> > moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
and hung up.
> > The husband said, "Who was that?"
> > The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if
the coast is clear."
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> >
> > Two blondes are walking down the street.
> > One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
> > She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person
looks familiar."
> > The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
> > So the first blonde hands her the compact.
> > The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> >
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
> > and buys a gun.
> > She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
> > she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
> > Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take
out the gun, and as she
> > does so, she is overcome with grief.
> > She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> > The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
> > The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> >
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> > She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
> > A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
> > The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> >
> > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> > "Is it mine?"
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> >
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
> > government class.
> > The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
> > Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
> > decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> >
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
> > She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
> > The policre dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K9 unit
> > patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
> > As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
> > blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
> > then sat down on the steps.
> > Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen.
> > I call the police for help, and what do they do?
> > They send me a BLIND policeman”

“I like that last one the best, a blind cop HAHAHAHAHA”

“"like a skunk goes with stank"???

LMAO!!”

“Cute huh????/

:)”

“Loved these!!!!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
>
> > > > She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee......
> > > > Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box......
> > > > Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week......
> > > > Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl......
> > > > And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
> > > >
> > > > WOMEN'S REVENGE:
> > > > "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
> > > > the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for
> > > > her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
> > > > set in her purse.
> > > >
> > > > "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
> > > > "No..." she replied, "..but my husband refused to
> > > > come shopping with me, so I figured this was the
> > > > most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
> > > >
> > > > UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
> > > > I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
> > > > understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
> > > > onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
> > > > still be afraid of a spider.
> > > >
> > > > AND FINALLY, THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON...
> > > >
> > > > A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and
> > > > down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks
> > > > him if she can help him. He answers that he is
> > > > looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs
> > > > him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
> > > > deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string
> > > > on the counter. Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought
> > > > you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
> > > >
> > > > "You see, it's like this..." he replies, "...yesterday, I
> > > > sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
> > > > cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
> > > > and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo
> > > > much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..
> > > > so does she."”

“love the revenge joke div.

that's just funny.”

“yes....the remote control.....hehehehehehh”

“While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack.


The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing is scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

Oh, dear, cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"”

“wah, wah wahhhhh”

“just before the funeral services were to begin, the undertaker asked the elderlywidow, " how old was your husband?"
98, she replied, " just 2 years older than me"
"so , you're 96", he commented
"yes", she replied, "hardly worth going home , is it"?”

“According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...”

“This was always one of my favorites:

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??
The day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue.
It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
"Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"”

“LMFAO Dub!!!!!!”

“those kids.... they say the darndest things...”

“Ya know how when you go to weddings, aunts and grandmas come up to you, pinching your cheek, saying "You're next!" Well, they stopped doing that sh-t when I did it to them at funerals.”

“OMG...LOL...hahahahahaha”

“LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing,
and the
aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put
on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"”

“ewww. you made me think of naked old women”

“I can relate to that one.”

“STORM......how old are you???”

“34”

“a baby......”

“That's HILARIOUS!!!!

I like your little cute joke thread Div.”

“and Gravity happens........



45 more days........wooohoooooo”

“o really? how old are you? dont lie”

“LOL..... I will be 50 in 45 more days.....old enough to be your mother......
:)”

“a high school mother”

“yes....

I have a 31 yr old daughter.....

wow....now I really feel old!!!”

“well if youre not available, is she?”

“LOL..hahahaha

No she is very married....

and sorry ....35 is my cut off age.....

LOL......”

“Divinity..older is better..I have a 33 year old and I am Better than I have ever been before..I promise..”

“damn. i just had my birthday, so i got a whole nother year to go”

“candyhearts....define older.....”

“An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair
of
authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and
wears
them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different, Bessie."
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me." Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT."

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different. It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and the damn thing will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam Yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SON OF A #&%!$ IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. .......Shoulda
bought a
hat."”

“LMAO..hahahahahahah”