Cute Jokes......

“not only a better buy, but softer,

and no ink to get stains on your tush and/or blue dress.”

“Why did the Chicken cross the road?

1. The DNC - George W. Bush

2. George Bush - The chicken is on one side or the other. If it is not with us, it is against us.

3. John Kerry - I was for the chicken crossing the road before I was against the chicken crossing the road.

4. Dick Cheney - F*** the chicken.

5. John Edwards - The chicken crossed the road through no fault of its own, that's why I'm filing this class action lawsuit.

6. Ralph Nader - The chicken crossed the road due to habitat destruction on its side. Unfortunately, the chicken did not make it across because it was run over by a gas guzzling SUV.

7. Colin Powell - As you can see, here is satellite imagery of the chicekn crossing the road.

8. Hans Blix - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the area to see if there really is a chicken.”

“The airplane was in trouble.
The pilot asked the flight attendant to check the parachute situation and the passenger list to see if any VIPs were on board.

The attendent reported back that there were 3 parachutes, and the VIP list was Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Teddy Kennedy.

They were asked to come up to the cockpit and told the facts, that the plane was crashing, that there were only 3 parachutes, and thaey were the most important people on the plane.

Jimmy Carter: "But what about the common people?"

Richard Nixon: "F_ck the common people"

Teddy Kennedy: "Do we have enough time?"”

“"I think that there was an image they painted on me that was an unfair image."

- George W. Bush”

“Is there another word for "synonym?"”

“RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was
this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see is black. The white chicken stepped on the black of the black man, in order to get where she wanted to be - trampling and oppressing the black man.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

Tomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out.

To boldly go where no hen has gone before.
-- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk

It was driven by the lash of economic necessity.
-- Karl Marx

Because it's there.
-- Sir Edmund Hilary

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity

The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.
-- Sigmund Freud

This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow.
-- Oscar Wilde

She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy.
-- Lyndon LaRouche

She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy.
-- Pat Robertson

She was a victim of the male conspiracy.
-- Gloria Steinem

It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day.
-- Aleister Crowley

We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
-- Vito Corleone

To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...
-- Sappho

To hide Saddam's weapons of mas destruction.
-- George Bush

To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.
-- Buddha

All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
-- Thomas Jefferson

The f---in chicken crossed the f---in road, okay? No problem, okay?
-- Jack Nicholson

To die. In the rain.
-- Ernest Hemingway

To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a
nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the
dreams of madness
-- H.P. Lovecraft

There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation.
-- Friederich Nietzsche

This Department recalls the distasteful incident of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling -- Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire A few may get through to the Gate in Time --
-- William S. Burroughs

She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
-- Darth Vader

Timothy Leary: Because that is the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it!?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?”

“I was wondering when the folks at Kentucky Fried Chicken were going to throw in the towel and jump on the Angus Beef bandwagon...

They could call it the "Colonel Angus".”

“sounds like a parody, Tilt”

“MTM: are you trying to say that Saturday Night Live didn't do accurate historical re-enactments?”

“Because it's there.
-- Sir Edmund Hilary


Nope.

This was George Leigh Mallory's response to reporters in New York in 1923 who asked why he wanted to climb Everest.

Hilary (and Sherpa Tensing Norgay) were the first to successfully climb and return. 20 years later.”

“A young man was dating three women and had decided it's time to marry and
make a decision between the three. He decided to give them a little test.

He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with
the money.

The first woman did a total make-over. She went to a fancy beauty salon for
a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new
outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had
done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much.

The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.

The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful
expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she
spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

Again , the man was touched and impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several
times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the
remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their
future because she loved him so much.

Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.

The man was faced with a difficult decision.He thought a long time about
what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each
one loved him.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.”

“Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the
teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and
they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he goes home with some guy
and makes love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,hurriedly set the other children to work on some
other work while she took little David aside to ask him, "Is that
really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids..."”

“wear your politics on your sleeve much?”

“I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," says the man.

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the orders. "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich arrive again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change

This becomes a routine until late one evening the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress brings the order and says, " That will be $22.62." Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning out the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich a you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir. What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"”

“BAH!!!!

Good one Divinity!”

“I liked that one, Div.”

“Little Billy was starting 1st grade. On the first day of class the teacher asked the students to tell the class what they did during summer brake.
The fist kid said, “I went to may Nana’s house.”
The teach replied, “That’s great but we are in first grade now and we need to talk like big kids, so you should have said I went to my grandmother’s house.”
The next kid said, “I went on a choo choo.”
The teach replied, “That’s great but we are in first grade now and we need to talk like big kids, so you should have said I went for a ride on a locomotive.”
When it finally got to Billy he replied, “I read a book.”
The teach replied, “Wow, what book did you read?”
Billy thought about it for a moment and answered, “Whiney the Sh*t.””

“Don't concentrate on it too much - just flow through it quickly - you'll get it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wiuthot porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?”

“Ugh, Div., I used to proofread papers and homework for my uncle and older brother. They're 11 and 9 years older respectively, and I still spelled better than they could!”

“Divinity has just been 'outed' as Ice Tea”

“A guy meets a beautiful, sexy blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine ..they can learn about each other as they go along.
The gal consents, they marry then fly off for their honeymoon to a very romantic Caribbean resort. After two or three days of steady lovemaking, she is very impressed with her new hubby. Then one morning as they are lying by the pool he suddenly gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position then straightens out and cuts into the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back onto his towel.
Very excited, the stunning bride says, That was an incredible
performance!
I'm even more impressed than ever!I used to be an Olympic diving
champion " he says. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.
The shapely blonde then gets up, dives into the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out, adjusts
her bikini and lies back down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
Very excited, the new hubby says, That was fantastic! No wonder you
never seem to tire of lovemaking... Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?
No,she answers. I was a hooker in Laredo, and I worked both sides of the river.”

“LOL...hahahah way cute,.....”

“Subject: Have your mammies grammed
>
> HAVE YOUR MAMMIES GRAMMED
>
> For years and years they told me,
>
> Be careful of your breasts.
>
> Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
>
> And give them monthly tests.
>
> So I heeded all their warnings,
>
> And protected them by law.
>
> Guarded them very carefully,
>
> And I always wore my bra.
>
> After 30 years of astute care,
>
> My gynie, Dr. Pruitt,
>
> Said I should get a Mammogram
>
> "O.K," I said, "let's do it."
>
> "Stand up here real close" she said,
>
> (She got my boob in line),
>
> And tell me when it hurts," she said,
>
> "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
>
> She stepped upon a pedal,
>
> I could not believe my eyes!
>
> A plastic plate came slamming down,
>
> My hooter's in a vise!
>
> My skin was stretched and mangled,
>
> >From underneath my chin.
>
> My poor boob was being squashed,
>
> To Swedish Pancake thin.
>
> Excruciating pain I felt,
>
> within it's vise-like grip
>
> A prisoner in this vicious thing,
>
> My poor defenseless tit!
>
> "Take a deep breath" she said to me,
>
> Who does she think she's kidding?!?
>
> My chest is mashed in her machine,
>
> And woozy I am getting.
>
> "There, that's good," I heard her say,
>
> (The room was slowly swaying.)
>
> "Now, let's have a go at the other one."
>
> Have mercy, I was praying.
>
> It squeezed me from both up and down,
>
> It squeezed me from both sides.
>
> I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
>
> To HER tender little hide.
>
> Next time that they make me do this,
>
> I will request a blindfold.
>
> I have no wish to see again,
>
> My knockers getting steam rolled.
>
> If I had no problem when I came in,
>
> I surely have one now.
>
> If there had been a cyst in there,
>
> It would have gone "ker-pow!"
>
> This machine was created by a man,
>
> Of this, I have no doubt.
>
> I'd like to stick his balls in there,
>
> And see how THEY come out!
>”

“Probably like boxcars.”

“Don't get your tits caught in a vise!”

“That one still makes me laugh!!!”

“Good for a chuckle ... Actually Taken From Classified Ad's In
> > >Newspapers:
> > >
> > > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
> > Bites!
> > >
> > > FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
> > >
> > > FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
> > >
> > > GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
> > >
> > > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat . been out awhile,
> > >Better be a reward.
> > >
> > > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
> > >
> > > NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
> > >
> > > GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
> > >
> > > NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once.
> > >
> > > JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
> > >
> > > (AND THE BEST ONE)......
> > >
> > > FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
> > 45
> > >volumes,
> > > Excellent condition, $1,000 or best offer, No longer needed.
> > >Got married last month.
> > >
> > > Wife knows everything”

“A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in
her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are
first graders.....6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Better to be safe than.................punch a 5th grader.

2. Strike while the.....................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before................Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.........termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but............how?

6. Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.

7. No news is.............................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a....................Mr..

9. You can't teach an old dog new...............math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning

11. Love all, trust...........................me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...............pigs.

13. An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's............pollution.

15. Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is.....................not much.

17. Two's company, three's............the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and....... you have to blow
your nose.

20. There are none so blind as.........Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the
box.

24. When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way.

25. Better late than.......................pregnant”

“Those are funny, especially,

25. Better late than.......................pregnant”

“That was my fav too..LOL..


and this one...

> > > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.”

“Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."”

“ouch!”

“ouch is right!”

“Men are all alike --- love 'em and leave 'em!”

“So the Mom went into her 12 year olds room to clean up a little.

Looking under his bed she notice a stack of magazines and pulled a couple out to see what they were. Much to her surprise they were not just regular porno, but S&M Bondage Porno mags.

Shocked she ran to her husband who was watching a ballgame on tv and shrieked "Look what your son is looking at!" throwing the magazines into his lap.

Dad picked it up and observed the cover, quietly shaking his head.

Mom asks, "Well what do you think we should do about this?

Dad, still shaking his head, says, "Well, I'm not sure, but I definitely don't think we should spank him."”

“LOL.omg...THAT was a good one.....”

“I LMAO today at work, one of my buddies walks up and tells me that this morning like first thing.”

“A Bedtime Story


A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, .. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Catherine's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.”

“ha, ha


That's not funny! Gravity is a cruel joke for most of us even if we do work out!”

“Subject: Women Drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new
Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver,
which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers”

“Loved them all.....”

“What's the difference between a puppy and a Trail-Talk Poster?

Eventually the puppy stops whining.”

“A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave her 15 gallons of milk! When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake! He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons? The blonde said, & I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath. The milkman asked, You want it pasteurized?

The blonde said, No, just up to my nipples;”

“Subject: How to buy an engagement ring


> A handsome white-haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday,
> with a beautiful young lady on his side.
>
> "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler
> looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at
$5,000.
>
> "I don't think you understand . I want something very unique," he said.
>
> At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe."
> Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
>
> The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
> "How are you paying?"
>
> "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to contact the bank to
make
> sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone
> the bank, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
>
> Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man, "You bastard, you
> lied to me there's no money in that account."
>
> "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had."”

“I think this story was about me and I know our IT guy does!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
error? What's that . in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...”

“hey...these are cute...read them....no offence to blondes!!!”

“I've been in the IT business for 17yrs...

I usually just tell the person the problem was an IO error. Instead of input/output error, it really means, "idiot operator".

:D”

“I read in Reader's Digest, that a woman was having problems with her computer at work.

Everything would be fine while she's working on her computer...but everytime she got up for a coffee or something, the computer would turn off.

Finally she called the IT guy. The IT guy observed her for awhile...and then when she backed up the chair to get up...the computer would shut off. The IT guy got under the table and relocated the powerbar, so her foot wouldn't catch on the plug as she was getting up.”

“I used to work for a blonde, great boss, BUT she also had to write down the ID ten T thing before she got it.

she didn't like the IT guy any longer either, hahahahaha”

“huh?”