Cute Jokes......

“> Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
>attractive
> > blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a
>single roll of the dice.
> > She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> > completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
> > dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
> > As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES!
>YES!
> > I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
> > winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
> > The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
> > asked,"What did she roll?"
> > The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
> >
> > MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.”

“Subject: Fire Truck

> >A story from Minnie sotah near Wes konson
> >One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside
> >the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.
> >The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around. When
> >the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
> >president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas
> >are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I
will
> >give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
> >But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments
> >had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
> >As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out the offer was now
$100,000
> >to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
> > >From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into
> >sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company
> >composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
> >To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these
> >Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant.....
> >and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
> >Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian oldtimers jumped off
> >and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before.
> >Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved
> >the secret formulas.
> >The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such
a
> >superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
> >personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire fighters.
> >The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
> >asking, ........................
> >"What are you going to do with all that money?"
> >"Vell," said Ole Larson, the 70-year-old fire chief,
> >"dafurst thing ve do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"”

“This is for kus older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me.

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this.

Three days a week - begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can... try to reach a full minute....... Relax.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags!”

“LOL”

“After following my doctor’s recommendation that I can eat all the eggs I want as long as it’s just the white part I can’t seem to get my mouth to stop bleeding.”

“LOL your suffering from shell shock ,Nigal!!!”

“Good one nowslimmer !!”

“Thanks, MDSHiker and lumberzac. I try to keep abreast of senior citizen activities. Not that I'm getting old or anything.”

“>YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTHIN JULY WHEN.

. The birds have to use
> >potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
> >
> >The trees are whistling for the dogs.
> >
> >The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
> >
> >Hot water now comes out of both taps.
> >
> >You can make sun tea instantly.
> >
> >You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
> >
> >The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
> >
> >You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
> >
> >You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
> >
> >You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
> >
> >You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
> >
> >Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
> >lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
> >
> >You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
> >
> >The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
> >add
> >butter, salt and pepper.
> >
> >Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
> >boiled eggs.
> >
> >The cows are giving evaporated milk.
> >
> >Ah, what a place to call home. . . God Bless the South!
> >”

“LOL your suffering from shell shock ,Nigal!!!"
Streamweaver
09:01:01 AM
08/05/04


OMG that was a GOOD one...lol..hahahahaa”

“> >The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.


ok...we are going to freeze...the temp is to go down into the 50's this weekend :0”

“yep, Streamweaver wins some sort of prize for the best one liner I've seen in days!”

“Cute one Nowslimmer....LOL..hahahahahahah......hugs”

“"No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Holiday Inn".

With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant I want, or roomservice.
2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

They launder your bedding...provide towels and facecloths. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. (Otherwise, the cash just keeps building up).

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my emails to the Holiday Inn!"

Upon telling this story at a dinner with friends and too much red wine, we came up with even more benefits the Holiday Inn provides to retirees:

Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV too so its all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. (Just tell them not to bring more than three friends)

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Holiday Inn you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same.

And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being perma-skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check this story out--and are happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate (We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!).

See you at the Inn”

“OMG that is amazing! I'm doing that when (if) I ever get old.”

“A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight
> up to the counter and says,
> "Hi...You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
> I'd really rather have a job".
>
> The social worker behind the counter says,
> "Your timing is excellent.
> We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
> who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
> You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes,
> but he'll supply all of your clothes.
>
> Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
> You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
> You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage.
> The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
>
> The guy says, "You're bull#&%!$ting me!"
>
>
> The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it.”

“good one shep!

catshiker, don't spread that around too much, the rooms will all fill up!”

“>ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that u
> could have
> >an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets, so I asked for a half dozen
> >nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at
> the counter. "You
> >don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the
> reply. "So, I
> >can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" I ordered 6
> nuggets,
> >shook my head, and walked away.
> >
> >
> >TWO - I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
> and the
> >lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
> one of
> >those "Dividers" that they keep by cash register and placed it
> between our
> >things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of
> my items, she
> >picked up the Divider looking it all over for the bar code so she
> could scan
> >it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much
> this is?" I
> >said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
> today." She
> >said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue
> to what had
> >just happened.
> >
> >
> >THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
> floppy drive
> >and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
> doing, she
> >said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
> credit card
> >number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
> >
> >
> >FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
> car. "Do you
> >need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
> replaced the
> >battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
> Do you think
> >they might have a battery over at that convenience store?" she
> asked. "Hmmm, I
> >dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote
> thingy," she
> >answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
> manually
> >unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and
> check about
> >the batteries. It's a long walk."
> >
> >
> >FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
> One day
> >she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out
> of typing
> >paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
> secretary told her.
> >With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
> put it on
> >the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
> >
> >
> >SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
> was
> >towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
> repair and the
> >whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the
> manager
> >what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
> control" and
> >then went in the back to make a sandwich.
> >
> >
> >SEVEN - Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
> placing a
> >metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
> photocopy machine.
> >The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
> pressed the
> >copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the
> truth.
> >Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
> >
> >
> >"Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid"”

“I'm thinking all these people were Gore voters in Florida.”

“LOL

Thanks, Divinity. I love your jokes!”

“I laughed until I cried in my office today!!!!!

anyone who has raised boys can understand......”

“Subject: Ole Billy Bob & Bubba again!

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the
breeze.

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out
fishin' an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make
us kin?"

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but
it shore would make us even!"”

“ouch!”

“I'd laugh at that last one, but it sounds too much like what my neighbors are doing. Ick.”

“A huge storm hit the Eastern Shore of MD and several areas were flooding fast. By afternoon the water had risen to nearly 5 feet so folks began climbing up on the roof of their houses in hopes that either the flooding would stop or rescuers would find them in time. Bob and Arthur Wilson were sitting on their roof ,wondering what to do when Bob spots a hat floating in the water in the front yard.No sooner does the hat get just about where the fence is that it starts floating back up the way it came.
Bob sits and watches this go on thinking,must be some kinda crazy currents created by this flood!! Sure enough just as it had before the hat gets right to the fence and turns around headed back across the yard. Bob looks at Arthur and says is that the weirdest this you ever saw?? And Arthur just says aww thats just Gramps, yesterday he said,tommorow come hell or high water,Im gonna cut that dern grass!!”

“Divinity....some of my workers are dumb like those above individuals. Mostly the younger generation. They rely too much on calculators. If a customer orders two items...lets say, one priced at $13.50, and the 2nd item at $2.25. They would run to the calculator. Pretty sad.”

“Love the claw marks.”

“LOL...omg...that is soo cute.....LOL.....”

“OK......sorry about this guys....I truely feel that not all men are idiots.......so forgive me.....

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."”

“The guy is missing his "Ball and Chain".”

“The guy is missing his "Ball and Chain"."

No hes not, Shes dragging him across the cake!LOL

Sorry Goils but I couldnt resist!!”

“Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.


It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"


"Moe, it's Sam."


"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."


"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"


"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"


"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."


"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.


"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."


"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!!!”

“This morning--from a cave somewhere in Pakistan--Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues,
Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly.”

“So sorry...no new jokes for me to post :(”

“Useless (but fun!) Information.............enjoy

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.
**********************************************
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
**********************************************
Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
**********************************************
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the
buck" to the next player.
**********************************************
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into
the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
**********************************************
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the
audience to be the center of attention.
**********************************************
Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning "help me"-and is pronounced "mayday,"
**********************************************
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
**********************************************
Q: Why are Zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg." When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it "love."
**********************************************
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange clay called "pygg". When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as "pygg banks." When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
**********************************************
When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf." So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland
built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned(and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into "caddie."”

“This fellow was shopping at the grocery store with his fly open. Most were too polite to say anything, but one striking women, walking by, casually stated "your barracks is open". He continues shopping, oblivious to the comment.

A little while later, his buddy whispers to him, "your fly is open". Then it dawns on him what the woman had previously said. Appreciating her moxie, when he meets her at the check out, he inquires of her," Did you see a soldier at attention in the barracks?"

Being quite the quick wit, the woman responds, "Naw, but I did see a disabled vet loafing on a couple of duffle bags!"”

“"Waiter!" shouted the customer, "this coffee tastes like mud!"

"Well," said the waiter, "it was ground this morning."”

“LOL Ok you asked for it!

2eggs and a sausage walk into a bar
the bartender says sorry we dont serve breakfast here!”

“The World is nuts,

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the
other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff anyway?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)


*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(Do you suppose they might have bad breath?)”

“COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........”

“Federal Aviation Agency
> 800 Independence Avenue S.W.
> Washington DC. 20591
>
>
> Dear Sirs,
>
> I have the solution for the prevention of
> hijackings and at the same time getting
> our airline industry back on its feet.
>
> Since men of the Muslim religion are not
> allowed to look at naked women we should
> replace all of our female flight attendants
> with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to
> get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
> woman, and of course, every businessman in
> this country would start flying again in
> hopes of seeing a naked woman.
>
> Hijackings would end and the airline industry
> would have record sales.
>
> Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still
> have to do everything myself?
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Bill Clinton
>”

“Dear Tide,
>
> I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
>
> I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom
> always told me it was the best!
>
> Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
>
> In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
> on my new white blouse.
>
> My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to
> berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally
> started becoming a pain in the neck.
>
> One thing led to another and somehow I ended up
> with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
>
> I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
> detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
>
> After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a
> bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to
> my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
>
> In fact, the stains came out so well the Detectives
> who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on
> my blouse were negative and then my attorney
> called and said that I would no longer be considered
> a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
>
> What a relief!
>
> Going through menopause is bad enough without being
> a murder suspect!
>
> I thank you, once again, for having such a great
> product
>
> Well, got to go. I have to write a letter to the
> Hefty bag people.”

“Surely I deserve some kind of recognition for all the
bad things I haven't done.

I'm just moving clouds today - tomorrow I'll try mountains.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from
betting on people. --W.C. Fields

Armed Forces Ballad: "She was swell to the Division, but rotten
to the Corps." --Michael Connolly

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,
they're sober. --William Butler Yeats

The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume:
"I have 10,000 people under me." --Dave Coble”

“There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2 He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
was God.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have
been
Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have
been a
Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have
been
Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could
have
been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't
get it.

3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was
more work
to do.”

“LOL. Good one, Div (especially the last three!)”

“A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle and wearing a fire fighter's helmet coming his way.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner" the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."”

“A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle and wearing a fire fighter's helmet coming his way.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner" the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."”

“The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning:
>
> Itchy, #&%!$y, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.
>
> One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
>
> Then #&%!$y came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month--it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from #&%!$y to weepy. For God's sake, what was wrong with me?
>
> Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me. Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts. Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
>
> Bloated crept in slowly. My once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
>
> I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's, I wondered?
>
> Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
>
> Oh the joys of being a woman! I think they lied to all of us when they showed us that movie in Grade 5, "Girl to Woman". Nobody ever mentioned the dreaded "change" but at least we have the 7 menopausal dwarfs to keep us company.
>
>”

“oops...sorry about the double post.......I sometimes get happy fingers :o”