Cute Jokes......

“Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
Approached her. "Ma'am, I couldnt help but notice that you put a lot of money each week into the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes", she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what
I dont need I give to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "Oh,$2,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed . . . "Your son sounds very successful, what does
> He do for a living?"
> "He's a veterinarian," she answered.
> "That is a very honorable profession", the pastor says. "Where does he
> practice?"
> The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and
> one
> in Reno".”

“Subject: Top Ten: Hurricane vs. Christmas

> TOP 10 REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE CHRISTMAS
>
> 10. Decorating the house.
>
> 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.
>
> 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
>
> 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
>
> 6. Family coming to stay with you.
>
> 5. Family and friends from out of state calling.
>
> 4. Buying food you don't normally buy... and in large quantities.
>
> 3. Days off from work.
>
> 2. Candles.
>
> And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas....
>
> At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!”

“LMAO!!!”

“I hope no one was offended by this.....my heart and good wishes go out to all those who have experienced bad weather!!!!”

“oh that's just awful for the people in FL to read LOL.... but gotta keep a sense of humor about this i guess or it'll get the best of you.”

“I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical
needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so we went to the shoe department and I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We then went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while....

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.”

“Bitter and twisted to-day, are we?”

“LOL@Ruby”

“LMAO ^^^ i love that one Ruby. It's so true too.”

“My NetZero Channels Refer-a-Friend Help Give NetZero My Account Email on the Web
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From : "SHIRLEY MADSEN" Save to Address Book

To : Undisclosed-recipients:;


Subject : FW: Blondes

Date : Thu, 30 Sep 2004 08:10:59 -0400




Move message to...InboxJunk MailTrash [ Printable Version ]







Subject: Blondes

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on
the
Texas
Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at
the
three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop,eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file
folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and
said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must
be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such
as
scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and
withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now," he said,
"Did you notice any
distinguishing features about the man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one
eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only
one eye
in
this picture! It's a profile of his face!""You're
dismissed!" The
first
blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in
her
face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about
you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's
face!
Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde
and
said, "This is probably a waste of time,but...." He
flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying
"All right.Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact
lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at
the
blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely
right!
His
bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that
by
looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well DUH, with only
one eye and
one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"”

“I swear I deleted all that useless crap on there and it still showed up!!”

“Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting
on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think

is farther away........ Florida or the moon"?

The other blonde turns and says,

"Helloooooooooooooooooooo,

can you see Florida from here?"”

“LMAO!!!!!”

“divinity - Have you been reading "A Prairie Home Companion - Pretty Good Jokes?"”

“Bush..now that is a joke”

“Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Kansas and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that
needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from California. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn\'t see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was cleaned, dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn\'t see anything, the second day he didn\'t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.”

“divinity's gonna like that one,

but a lot!”

“LMAO....hahahahahaah”

“see? toleyaso!”

“i like the blonde one about the moon vs FL”

“In Jr High one of my friends' dad told her you could see the flag on the moon....she looked and looked.........”

“'Twas the night before Frances
When all through the state
Not a gas pump was pumping
Not a store open late

All the plywood was hung
On the windows with care
Knowing that a hurricane
Soon would be there

The children were ready
With flashlights in hand
While bands from the hurricane
Covered over the land

And mamma with her Mag-Lite
And I in my cap
Had just filled the bath tub
For flushing our crap

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from the closet
To see what was the matter

The trees on the fence
And the neighbor's roof torn
Gave the fear of us dying
In this terrible storm

With a little wind gust
So lively and quick
I remembered quite clearly
Our walls weren't brick

More rapid than eagles
Her courses they came
And she whistled, and wafted
And surged all the same
Off shingles! Off sidings!
Off rooftops! Off power!
Down trees! Down fences!
Down trailers! Down towers!

In the center of Florida
She continued to maul
Screaming Blow Away!
Blow Away! Blow Away All!

As wind ripped and tossed
The debris through the sky
I peeked out the shutters
At cars floating by

So went to the safe-room,
My family did do,
With a portable radio
And batteries too

And then, in a twinkling
I heard on the set
The end was not coming
For a few hours yet!

As I calmed down the kids
And was turning around
Through the window it came
With a huge crashing sound

A tree branch it was
All covered in soot
The wind blew it smack-dab
On top of my foot

A bundle of twigs
Now lay in a stack
And my living room looks
Like it was under attack

The wind - how it howled!
The storm - very scary!
Myself and the family
Were all too unwary
The dangers of hurricanes
Are serious, you know
They are taken for granted
As Frances did show

With the winds dying down
And the danger beneath
I noticed my tool shed
Was missing its sheath

So I grabbed my last tarp
And nailed it on down
Then I got in my car
And I headed to town

The traffic was awful
And stores had no ice
My five gallon cooler
Would have to suffice

Generators were scarce
Not one left in town
There were trees on the roads
And power lines down

FEMA was ready
With people to work
Electrical companies
Came in from New York

And in the midst of
This peculiar routine
Another storm emerged
Named Hurricane Jeanne

I sprang to the car
And gave my family a whistle
Then away we all went
Like a Tomahawk missile

You could hear us exclaim
As we drove out of sight
"The hell with this place,
Vermont seems just right!"

(author unknown)”

“LOL...wow.....that is great!!!”

“An driver is being tailgated by a stressed-out man on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just as the first driver is approaching the intersection. The driver obeys the law, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating man hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as he slams on the breaks, missing a chance to get through the
intersection. As he is screaming threats and insults, he hears a tap on his window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer sternly orders him to exit the car with his hands up.
After the tailgaiter is cuffed and searched, he is taken to the police station where he is fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. The tailgater is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with his personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake." 'You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."”

“I have one of those fish on my car to.

http://valiante.plugnpay.com/cgi-bin/SoftCart.exe/scstore/p-100-CP.html?L+scstore+tglr3318ffd933d9+1098070684”

“thats fairly priceless fullmoon.”

“How do I print that absolutely priceless sign?”

“Subject: Are You Kathlick?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been
baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he
said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet,one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." "We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one
said,"Didn't you smell that water!" "Yeah! What do you think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."”

“A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
you, but I don't want to offend you.”

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive.”

"The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”

"The cab driver becomes very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!!!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make
a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm
married and I'm protestant."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
party".”

“O M G,.........LMAO...hahahahahahaha”

“Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... cocoabeans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways Chardonnay in one hand, chocolate covered strawberries in the other a body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "WOO HOO! What a Ride!"”

“A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."”

“Q: What's the difference between Dubya's policy for Vietnam and Iraq?


A: He had an exit strategy for Vietnam.”

“fails the cute test MarkO, only through tedious repetition.”

“WORDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN A GREETING CARD:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"


"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."


"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"


"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
After having met you, I've changed my mind."


"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."


"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."


"Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you."


"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."


"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."


--
"I went to a good school where some of our foremost
politicians learned their three R's - this is Ours, that is
Ours, everything is Ours."
-- Anonymous”

“If you need a laugh, try the following - it's pretty funny - be quick, because when Google finds out someone will probably get fired!

1) Go to www.Google.com
2) Type in "weapons of mass destruction" (DON'T hit return)
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, NOT the "Google search"
4) Read the "error message" carefully and thoroughly.”

“Don't worry about being quick - That's been there for months.”

“A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink.
Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says:
"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop
of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"”

“Woot!”

“Native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Native American turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."”

“THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....

A truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!

The police are looking for a gang of hardened
criminals......

================================================== ====

A little old man shuffled....slowly into an ice cream
parlor...pulled himself slowly, painfully .. up onto
a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

No," he replied, "arthritis."

================================================== ====

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the
large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in
the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The young woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she
asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with boobs like
yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

================================================== ====

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"”

“LOL....thanks...I need a laugh today.....”

“> Flu Prevention
>
> Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.-
> Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
>
> Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune
> system.
>
> Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs
instead of
> the
> elevator, etc.
>
> Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
> antibacterial stuff around. -
>
> Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty
> of rest.
>
> Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
> OR ...
> You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go
> for a shot, what do they do first?
> Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.
>
> So......
> I walk to the liquor store (exercise),
> I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies),
> drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh
> (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you
keep
> your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!
>
>”

“Subject: Carnival Cruise Lines

SUBJECT: Outta Here!!!

We at Carnival Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W. Bush were to be re-elected President.

With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!

Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.

You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some similar sunny location.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz Kerry will be shoved somewhere below decks away from the media.

Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michael Moore.

John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.

Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.

Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give inspirational talks each afternoon.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

"Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what?”

“LOL!!!”

“That's right Lips...stick it to them. Lol”

“stanlee, are you trying to get me in trouble, lol? It's just a joke. I welcome jokes from the opposing party, but might not consider them as funny :)”

“the opposing party would have to explain them to you”