Cute Jokes......

“Ah, Divinity, I'm copying that list and sending it to my Dad's company! LMBO!”

“>> > >Why ARE Men Happier ?
> > >
> > >Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
> > >creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
>Wedding
> > >plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You
>can
> > >be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
>T-shirt to
> > >a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics
>tell
> > >you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive
to
> > >another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
> > >
> > >You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
>bolt.
> > >Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000.
>Tux
> > >rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
>to
> > >them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
>New
> > >shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the
>time.
> > >Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
>about
> > >tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can
open
>all
> > >your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
> > >thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
>still be
> > >your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs
>of
> > >shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems
in
> > >public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> > >
> > >Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
>hairstyle
> > >lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face
>and
> > >neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually
>hides
> > >your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
> > >seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can
>"do"
> > >your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
>concerning
> > >growing a mustache.
> > >
> > >You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in
> > >25minutes.
> > >No wonder men are happier!
> > >”

“didn't we just have this thread? :P”

“maybe shes a troll!”

“I thought you were the troll”

“WHAT????”

“oops.....”

“dork!”

“Troll!”

“The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4 The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,
replied God, "hold on. God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours.”

“Subject: Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.

The boss says, You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.

You got nice house.”

“copied from Whiteblaze :

"Mr. Natural was out for an extended hike and did not carry toilet paper "on principle" that there are plenty of green substitutes. Upon coming to the usual latrine that does not carry tp, he looked around for a usable substitute which would suffice. He grabbed a group of leaves from a nearby fern and did his business in a hurry. Unfortunately, it precipitated an unpleasant rash, which smarted for days...Moral of the story: with fronds like these, who needs enemas..."”

“That's two thirds of a pun.





P U !!!!!!”

“heehee... cheezyness”

“A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me"

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the
next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft tall man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
Hi - I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."”

“[glow=red,2,300]Rules for Dating a Marine's Daughter[/glow]

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open- minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.”

“The local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
Fred, he replies. Fred what? the officer asks.
Just Fred, the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies, It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed tom myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred
Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well,the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.”

“A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the
world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said,
"This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that
they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again.....

It now says: "'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT #&%!$!'"”

“A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?".

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and
surrounded by women."

"No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached!

----------

The Questions
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is,
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys
who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy

------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you
ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."”

“Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

A: So men can remember them.”

“LMAO!!!”

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.







The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.





The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."



So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her.”

“A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Lambert, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing dragonflies and before long, Lambert
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo
now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his Back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's
that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will
always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh** and brilliance only come with age.”

“I should buy some crutches now. Maybe a helmet & full body armor. You know that 4 year old grandson of mine that just got the cast off his (broken) arm about a month ago? Well he's in the hospital ER as we speak. It appears that he broke his OTHER arm. He fell off the pool ladder.”

“New technology is fantastic. The Japanese now have a camera that is so advanced it can capture a picture of woman with her mouth closed!”

“THE POTATO

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato

had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married,

and had a little sweet potato,

which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time,

they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out

and getting half-baked,

so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,

and get a bad name for herself like

'Hot Potato,'

and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.


Yam said not to worry,

no Spud would get her into

the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand

she wouldn't stay home

and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise

so as not to be skinny

like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe,

Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam

to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France

called the French Fries.

And when she went out west,

to watch out for the Indians

so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on

the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate

with those high class Yukon Golds,

or the ones from the other side of the tracks

who advertise their trade

on all the trucks that say,

'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.

(that's Potato University)

so that when she graduated

she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her,

one-day Yam came home and announced

she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't

possibly marry Tom Brokaw

because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

*
*
*
**
OK! Here it is!

*
***



A COMMON TATER”

“I figured it would be because he's too old for her.”

“LOL yeah hes older than the dirt they grow in!!”

“.....makes me think.......may be a great idea.....


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you ALL my business!"

THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM!

You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....”

“That wasn't 'cute', div. ;-)”

“Lol!”

“is too cute.....dayum...I could be rich by now.......LOL..hahahahahahaha”

“Well financially secure MAYBE...LMAO”

“"sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....”
divinity
1:35:45 PM
8/16/05

I have always heard that the inability of women to keep their mouth shut was the reason they were unable to achieve full equality with men.

Women cannot make a donation to a sperm bank.”

“Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DARN HOUSE! I'm sorry. What was your question?”

“LMAO! Thats me right now div! :D LMAO

SC.”

““"sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....”
divinity
1:35:45 PM
8/16/05

I have always heard that the inability of women to keep their mouth shut was the reason they were unable to achieve full equality with men.

Women cannot make a donation to a sperm bank.”
manuka
11:46:35 AM
8/17/05


...we ALL know why God made women second....

...and we can donate sperm...it is just slightly used...LOL..ahahahahahahahahahahah”

“Someone give that girl Pamprin!!!!!!!”

“STILL freakin waiting for my freakin visiter to arrive>:( Why cant it jsut hurry up already???Freakin LATE BAH HUMBUG!

SC”

“You live in Arizona when..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is


You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You Live in the Deep South w hen...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.


You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.”

“Okay, here's a joke from my friend that every says they heard them before when I post them from him, but what the heck, there it is:

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right! How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS”

“Ha ha...good one!”

“A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the
TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,
he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she
looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shiit, it started."”

“Non, that is so funny!!!! I'll be passing that one around:)”

“A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Yeah . Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The redneck said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the redneck.
We in Tennesse may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as
dumb as some government employees.”

“That's so true!”

“Hiking in NJ the other day, I came to a stream crossing with no apparent rock hop to get across. I spotted a pretty young blonde across the stream and asked "how do you get to the other side"? She looked at me like I was stupid and exclaimed "you are on the other side" and merrily hiked away.”

“FEMALE PRAYER



Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.







MALE PRAYER



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a bass boat and lives on a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care!



Amen”