Cute Jokes......

“even though i may one day fall victim to the aforementioned...i still thought it was hilarious”

“There are medications that work wonderfully!!!

so I hear.....”

“well i do hope they are a long...............loooooooooooooooooong way off for me...”

“Shep...how old are you??”

“21 years OLD”

“little boy :P”

“omg...LOL...I also have a daughter your age!!!”

“you just wanna be our mommy”

“and thats alright”

“hey...you can call me MommaD...
LOL.....”

“just dont ask us to call you mamabear”

“LOL.....no way.....

Divinity will suit me fine.....”

“and sorry ....35 is my cut off age.....

LOL......"
divinity
09:15:04 PM

Hey Div; I'm 36...”

“roam, you ass, get your own mrs robinson”

“LOL..hahahaha......y'all are just too cute.......”

“no, youre too cute. roams not cute enough. im just right”

“Hey stormboy, I'm cute andI have character! - and I've been told that I am a character too!”

“daughter????





MY age????





WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?????





WELL????.... WHY WAS I NOT TOLD ABOUT THIS????






You just let her know I got a tent big enough for two, and I am always looking for a partner.”

“smooth”

“Dang kids!”

“my 21 yr old is a looker too......and she has a backpack.....









and a BIG boyfriend!!!”

“.....but sorta funny since I am alone.....

Men......you can tell your wives about this the next time they say they they are too fat!!!
Losing Weight With Cupid

Need a fun way to shed pounds? Try kissing and a little sex.

By Sid KirchheimerWebMD Feature Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD

Granted, the latest weight-loss program to make the rounds won't shed pounds as quickly as plans more firmly rooted in that familiar diet-and-exercise mantra. But hey, there is that "fun factor" to consider.
Instead of counting carbs or calories, this math involves kisses. Rather than ruthless spinning gurus and perky-than-thou size 4 aerobics instructors, your personal coach is an airborne overweight sprite with a fetish for archery.
Thanks to some research unearthed from the scripts of philematology -- literally, the science of kissing -- it seems as though Cupid's well-placed arrow can help you lose weight, if at the very least by working off some of those Valentine's Day chocolates.
"In 1978, we first published research indicating that each passionate kiss burns between 6 and 12 calories, depending on the level of enthusiasm," says Betty Goldblatt, RD, MPH, publisher and co-founder of Environmental Nutrition newsletter. That's close to what's consumed while jogging for one minute.
So with this and other findings, her usually serious and seasonally playful staff of registered dieticians offer a new spin on how to, theoretically at least, shed nearly 10 pounds a year: With their newly published "Kissing Diet," they estimate that each well-placed (and received) lip lock burns an average of 9 calories. At three kisses a day, every day, that amounts to burning 9,855 calories a year -- totaling about 3 pounds of weight loss.
The Italian Kiss
"Of course, we're talking about an Italian kiss, since we learned about this research from Italian researchers," Goldblatt tells WebMD. "And I suppose that means it's a fairly intense kiss, since the Italians are known for being pretty intense lovers. It's probably a little more complicated if you're talking about a French kiss."
Maybe she's talking with tongue firmly in cheek, but when your tongue explores the cheek of another, you can burn even more -- and reportedly also activate all 34 of your facial muscles (as opposed to just two to purse your lips for a less robust peck). On paper, that could mean a more toned face. And as you may recall from yesteryear's prom dates, that tongue-tangling has been known to lead to serious make-out sessions, which some research indicates may engage nearly every muscle and tendon in your body, if ever so briefly.
Still, whatever nationality of your smooches, when you kiss as though you're in Cupid's cross-hairs, you'll likely reach the second phase of the Kissing Diet weight-loss plan -- a resulting two "amorous interludes" each week.
Go for the Gold
Each horizontal workout is said to shed about 212 calories, roughly the same as walking 2 miles. So even with this conservative twice-weekly romp (likely more if this archer's aim is a bulls-eye), Goldblatt estimates you burn an additional 22,100 calories -- another 6½ pounds in one year.
Make those interludes vertical and you may burn even more calories.
"Sex isn't always weight-bearing, but it certainly can be," quips Peter B. Anderson, PhD, past president of the Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and a professor of health education at the University of New Orleans. "Do it standing up and you'll burn more calories and also stress bones and muscles in different ways that would be good for you. Hold your partner in the air and you'll burn even more."
Not quite that athletic? "As a general rule, the partner on top who is doing more thrusting will burn more calories," he tells WebMD.
Even with Olympic-caliber libidinous gymnastics, Anderson is quick to note that sex alone won't produce the kind of weight loss seen with, shall we say ... more traditional forms of exercise. "That's because intercourse is largely an anaerobic activity, as opposed to an aerobic workout."
Longer-duration, lower-intensity aerobic workouts burn fat; a naerobic workouts -- such as sexual and other strenuous activities that last only a short time -- primarily burn glucose. "Unless you're a teen or in your 20s, you're probably not getting too aerobic a workout, by virtue of the shorter duration," he says. "If you are ... well, lucky you."
Still, every little bit helps. To lose 1 pound, you need to decrease caloric intake by approximately 500 calories per day, the equivalent of a 3,500 calories decrease in one week, or increase caloric expenditure by the same amount. "Any increase over current levels of intercourse will burn more calories than you're currently expending," says Anderson. "So if you go with the data that you burn around 200 calories with intercourse, by having sex every day, you could conceivably burn about 1,400 calories a week."
The total stats for the Kissing Diet are nothing to sneeze at:
· 3 kisses per day at 9 calories per event X 365 days = 9,855 calories
· 2 amorous interludes (horizontal) per week at 212 calories per event X 52 weeks = 22,100 calories
· Grand total = 31,955 calories per year
But you must work hard if you want to get the most weight loss bang for your buck from each encounter ... or vice-versa, so to speak.
"The more engaged you are in movement during sex, the more active you are, the more benefit you'll derive for weight loss and wellness," says Patti Britton, PhD, clinical fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists and author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage.
"One of the things I teach as a sexologist is to exaggerate and replicate the signs of an orgasm. When we're orgasmic, we have pelvic thrusting. The more pelvic thrusting you both can do -- during the entire act -- the higher the level of physical activity and amount of caloric expenditure."
In other words, give it that ole' college try -- every time you hit the sheets. And it may not hurt to try it different ways. "I recommend couples engage is several different positions with each encounter," she tells WebMD. "You'll likely be more active and hence, burn more calories. And variety is always the spice of a good sex life."
And when should you employ this advice? Biologically, morning sex makes more sense, says Britton, because a pooling of testosterone -- the so-called "hormone of desire" -- occurs during sleep. While both sexes produce testosterone, men have the clear supply edge. You may have also noticed, those morning erections at times.
"Because of this pooling, when a man awakens, he is often in an aroused or pre-aroused state, so that's when nature is calling his pager, so to speak," Britton says. "But the reality is that there's usually less time for sex in the morning because we're rushing to work, and hurry-up sex is not ideal -- for weight loss or anything else. Yet sometimes, a morning quickie can be your own Stairmaster burn. A good quickie can be really hot, arousing, and calorie-burning."
Still, evening encounters offer their own advantage. "Many weight-loss programs teach that eating late is worse because that's when metabolism is slower," she explains. "So at the least, I would suggest that instead of having a late-night snack that contributes to weight gain, maybe you substitute it with a late-night romp."
Published Feb. 11, 2004.

SOURCES: Environmental Nutrition "Kissing Diet," Feb. 4, 2004. Betty Goldblatt, RD, MPH, publisher and co-founder, Environmental Nutrition newsletter, New York. Peter B. Anderson, PhD, professor, health education, University of New Orleans; past president, Foundation for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Patti Britton, PhD, clinical fellow, American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, Winter Park, Fla.; faculty member, Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco; author, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage.”

“"my 21 yr old is a looker too......and she has a backpack.....









and a BIG boyfriend!!!"
divinity
08:33:24 PM
02/17/04



HA!!! does he want to come along??? Most couples aren't down for that, but hey I got to say I'm ok.”

“LMAO...hahahhahaha”

“I loved this one!!!

A successful rancher died and left everything
> > > to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking
> > > woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
> > > knew very little about ranching, so she decided
> > > to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
> > >
> > > Two men applied for the job. One was gay and
> > > the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about
> > > it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire
> > > the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house>
> than the drunk.
> > >
> > > He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
> > > hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
> > > For weeks, the two of them worked and the ranch
> > > was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's
> > > widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job
and
> the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels."
> > >
> > > The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
> > > one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and
> > > he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned
around
> > two-thirty and upon entering the
> > > room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a
> glass > of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to
her.
> > >
> > > "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
> > > Trembling, he did as she directed. Now take off
> > > my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
> > > "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently
> > > and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take
> > > off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her
> eyes in the firelight. "Now take off
> > > my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he
> > > was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she
> > > said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
> > > he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and
> said......
> > >
> > > "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
> > > I'll fire you on the spot."
> > >”

“Good one Divinity. Lol”

“There once was an African king who wished to live in the grandest home in his country. So he had 100 of his disciples build him a home. Being in the Savannah, the only building material was grass. So the works set out and completed an immaculate grass hut for their king. The king was not pleased with their work and insisted that they add a second floor to the dwelling for his throne room, so he could survey his lands. The workers complied with their king and competed the home. The king shortly moved in. As he moved to the second floor with his throne the structure collapsed killing the king.

Moral of the story: Those who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”

“Answer to a question on a
middle school science test.

* "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."”

“Nitwit answers on H S First-
Aide class test.

* "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
* "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
* "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
* "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."
* "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
* "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
* "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
* "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."”

“Abilene, that sounds like some of the responses from our Scouts when we quiz them on first aid!”

“Well.....I thought this was cute.....BUT oh so true.....and probably not funny to some!!!

>Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives
>us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
>
>In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are
>no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
>
>Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can
>see your rear without turning around.
>
>Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is
>the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
>
>Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube
top
>and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will
>too."
>
>Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're
>sitting on our biggest ones.
>
>Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager
>and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
>
>In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can
>retain is water.
>
>Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally
>-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
>
>Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering
>the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy
>Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
>
>But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is
important.
> We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our
>loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the
>knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when? Maybe
>our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've
>acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!”

“One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"”

“A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."”

“good one simer - 'specially that second one!”

“Pretty funny jokes a FEMALE coworkersent me.

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.”

“The complaint


The complaint:

Ms. BHaven:

I, the #&%!$, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


The response:

Dear #&%!$;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management”

“A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top tobottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled outof the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced abill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."”

“A little girl: was talking to her teacher about
whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a
very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl:said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied,"Then you ask him".
*******************************************************
A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of
children while they were drawing. She would
ccasionally walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to
one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher:paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
*******************************************************
A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of
a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
*******************************************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why
are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a
while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"
******************************************************
The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy
of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you
are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher, She's dead. "
******************************************************
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she
said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,
as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't
empty."
*******************************************************
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head
of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note,and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip
cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you
want. God is watching the apples.
=====
PLEASE: NEVER buy anything from, or respond to
unsolicited email & help stop spam.”

“ok well since i didnt notice it last night....some of you folks might not have put 1 and 1 together so the first complaint was from the #&%!$ the second from the vagina...yeah yeah its kinda crude but i thought it was funny”

“Why is #&%!$ encrypted, but not vagina?”

“#&%!$es are evil, vaginas are sacred, didn't you realize that grem?”

“How silly of me. Thanks, Bit.”

“You're welcome. Now go watch The Vagina Monologues as penance.”

“A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."”

“Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One
says
> to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
> "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
>
> "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
> "She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight
ass.
> What's your wife look like?"
>
> "Never mind, let's look for yours."
>”

“> > > CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > How many Christians does it take to change a light
bulb?
> > >
> > >
> > > Charismatic: Only 1
> > >
> > > Hands already in the air .
> > >
> > > Pentecostal: 10
> > >
> > > One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray
against the
> > >spirit of darkness
> > >
> > > Presbyterians:
> > >
> > > None: Lights will go on and off at predestined
times.
> > >
> > > Roman Catholic:
> > >
> > > None: Candles only
> > >
> > > Baptists: At least 15.
> > > One to change the light bulb, and three committees to
>approve
> > >the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried
chicken.
> > >
> > > Episcopalians: 3
> > > One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks
and one
>to
> > >talk about how much better the old one was.
> > >
> > >
> > > Mormons : 5
> > > One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell
him how
>to
> > >do it.
> > >
> > > Unitarians :
> > > We choose not to make a statement either in favor of
or
> > >against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you
>have
> > >found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a
poem or
> > >compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday
service,
> > >in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including
> > >incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which
are
> > >equally valid paths to luminescence.
> > >
> > >
> > > Methodists : Undetermined
> > > Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you
>are
> > >loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring
a
bulb
>of
> > >your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to
pass
and
> > >share.
> > >
> > > Nazarene: 6
> > > One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church
> > >lighting policy.
> > >
> > >
> > > Lutherans: None
> > > Lutherans don't believe in change.
> > >
> > > Amish :
> > > What's a light bulb?”

“hahahaha”

“hey Scorchie!!!”

“hey girl, how u been?”

“"hahahaha"
ScorchFire
02:30:38 PM
03/07/04
ignore this user

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"hey Scorchie!!!"
divinity
02:32:23 PM
03/07/04
ignore this user

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"hey girl, how u been?"
ScorchFire
02:36:03 PM
03/07/04

i dont get it. i thought this was a joke thread”