Cute Jokes......

“A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."”

“This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a
pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy
an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
crawler)
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided
he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
with
me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited
a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him
one
more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house
and
shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have
a
drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box:...........




"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu**ing shoes on."



last edited: 11/16/05 7:59:20 AM”

“HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...No Pain!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
Ride!"”

“Ten Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly
whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
chew
your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised
when I
freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
but I
haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the
truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know whose boss
here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you???”

“Sorry posted in wrong thread.
last edited: 11/18/05 4:24:55 PM”

“Viagra spill revives Lake Michigan

Chicago — A freighter containing 62,000 metric tons of popular impotence drug Viagra struck a reef and sank in Lake Michigan today. As a result, the once-frigid lake no longer dangles into Illinois and Indiana, but now spans majestically across northern Wisconsin.

According to eyewitnesses, roughly 30 to 60 minutes after the ship’s contents dissolved, the lake slowly but firmly began to push northwest toward Minnesota. Eventually, its swollen banks managed to poke aside Lake Superior, which cartographers said will lose its standing as the largest of the Great Lakes for the next four to six hours.

Area residents were surprised by the sudden shift, but conceded Michigan was “like an entirely new lake.”

“For so many years that lake just, you know, sat there,” said Martha Strop of Eau Claire, Wisc. “To be honest, I never even thought about it anymore. There wasn’t much of a point. But now, well, this has changed our lives forever.”

Government officials, however, were more cautious.

In Wisconsin, Gov. Scott McCallum declared a state of emergency, while in Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura declared: “Is Lake Michigan a threat, or is it just glad to see me?”

Time-Lapse Satellite Images”

“The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
last edited: 12/01/05 6:28:36 PM”

“did the strench ever clear? wow.”

“Life is all about a_s
youre either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or working with a few of them.”

“1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.”

“MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their
elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an
SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you
know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was
good.
Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with
Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead,
I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was
delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, Mama”

“16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”

“A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.”

“those Dave Barry ones are hilarious!!”

“CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy Godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..

Peter, Peter, something or other.."”

“Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said "Let's go a bit furder downstream." So they did, and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit, so they went home. On the way home, Sven said "I marked da spot right in da middle of da boat, Ole."
"You stupid," said Ole. "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!"”

“Two hunters had shot a deer deep in the thick woods. They were some ways from their vehicle and the antlers kept getting caught in the dense underbrush. After a while one said to the other, "If we were pulling it by the antlers instead of by the hind legs maybe we'd be having an easier time."

So they went around to the other end of the deer and started pulling it that way for a while. About half an hour later the guy remarked again, "See how we're going so much faster now!"

To which the other guy replied, "Well, yeah, but we're getting further away from the truck!"”

“It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01am, the first person
came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new
policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how
your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came
home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half
naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.
I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I
searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to
glance out onto my balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge
by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and
stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know
it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get
the first thing could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the
first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out
onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him. The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,
the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him
in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can
let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I
was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell
over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on
the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course
I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I
didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to
move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all
things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man
finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to
himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man
comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third
man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator.............................
last edited: 12/10/05 8:29:49 PM”

“A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK cause he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that she will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says

"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."”

“your jokes need to be longer”

“Joe and Bob went bear hunting in Maine.Joe got up early and left the cabin ,while Bob slept in.Just a short time later ,as Bob was getting up and having breakfast Joe comes strolling back in the cabin door.Bob says ,what happened? your back awful soon.And Joe says ,Well I wasnt even to the woods yet and I came to a fork in the road and the sign said "bear left" so I gave up and came back.

Now thers an oldy but a goody fer ya!”

“A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
grabs his drink, and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy
starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck
driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man
crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but,
after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At
home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to
my miserable life.

Then you show up and drink the damn poison”

“Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden
there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about
10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just
as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and
headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one
beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the
passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger
screamed out, Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old
Indian guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?)

The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open
the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger
rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits,
"What do you want???"

The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!" "Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver
replies.

So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old
man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step
on it!!!"

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start
laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I'm going
pretty fast?"

All of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old
Indian man is looking in the window.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well
see what he wants now! " yells back the driver. The passenger
rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up
the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling
beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.

Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in
stark fear.

The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of
the mud?"”

“Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.”

“Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"


Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."”

“The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight-seeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" / "Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?”

“A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high taxes and welfare programs.

He stopped her and asked her, "How are you doing in school?"

She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and ever had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she was spending all her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else.

He asked, "How is your friend Mary?"

She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. She was always complaining about not having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and given it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke.

The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?"

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party”

“More like the Nazi party these days........”

“As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger
in my vehicle so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many diff erent models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the
wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's
a doll." Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was
relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in
the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made
a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,
fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.”

“Cute Jokes......

I don't think cats 'gets' the intent of this thread.”

“***PSYCHIATRISTS' CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR EVERY DIAGNOSIS

Schizoprenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obessive Complusive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

ADHD -- Hark the herald angels sing ba-rum-pa-pum-pum in the little town of Bethlehem up on the housetop in a winter wonderland one foggy Christmas Eve hey how bout them Bears no I don't want to switch to Sprint but thank you for shopping at K-Mart.”

“Good one Bit!”

“A whole lot of truth in there bit. LOL”

“Good one !”

“I get to post it because I am OCD.

I have to check this thread several times to make sure I really did post it.”

“Yep. I did.”

“We are all subject to obsessions and compulsions. It's called being human.”

“There was a young lady from Natchez,
Whose garments were always in patches;
When comment arose on the state of her clothes,
She drawled, "When Ah Itchez, I scratches!"



Subject: Blonde Ice Fishing


Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools,
she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed,














''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another
hole in the ice. The voice boomed,














''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said,














''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''



The voice answered,



''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”

“Stream: That's one of my favorite's - although I tell it as a fisherman who started drinking early.

Here's one:

An elderly Arab man is retired and living in the suburbs outside New York. He is hoping his son, Ahmed, who is working overseas, will be home soon to help him dig up his garden for spring planting. He sends the son an email saying "Beloved son, I am very sad because I haven't the strength to prepare my garden to plant potatoes. I am sure that if only you were here you would help me dig up
the garden. Love, Father"
>
The following day, the father recives an email reply: "Father, Sorry I
can't get home right away. But please don't touch the garden. That's where I have hidden the special package and I will need to use it soon. Love, Ahmed"
>
That afternoon, the FBI shows up at the door and takes the entire garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find a thing and left frustrated.
>
> The next day, the old man recieves another email from his son: "Dear Father, I hope
the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. I've done all I can do from here. Love, Ahmed."”

“Heh !”

“(mouse click & shake)

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/snowglobe.php”

“Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!"
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!"
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road.
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf!"

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off?
I'm trying to poop!"”

“I cant help wondering why they chose ticks for that Universal decision maker!?”

“Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."”

“This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but
there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly,
some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash
when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their
collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.



This is done by the chip monks.


Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!”

“~groan~”

“As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message. Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since
I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul, because at last
count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time) I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.”

“I don't think cats quite 'gets' the concept of Cute Jokes...... LOL”

“A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



A WOMAN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto your upper thigh,rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.”