Cute Jokes......

“A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity in their lives tend to read their e-mails with their hand still on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off, it's too late...”

“i thought ppl with insufficient sex lives read their emails with their hands somewhere else.....”

“"I don't know why it is orange doc....all I do in the evening is stay at home, watch porn and eat Cheetos"...or so said Former Gov. Dean.”

“Confucious said
"Man who go to bed with sex problem on mind
Wakes up with solution on hand"”

“Man who go through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.”

“Girl who sit in Judge's lap
gets honorable discharge

Waitress who sit in customer's lap
get red hot tip”

“I recieved these in Email and decided to post them as for the most part they are true.


A senior at Alabama was overheard saying... "When the end of the world

comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be

in Alabama because everything happens in Alabama 20 years later than in the

rest of the civilized world.

========================================

An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-85. The trooper asked,

"Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

========================================

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the

day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the

weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had


a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the

successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the

deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured


no one is going to steal Henry!"

========================================

The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his

buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young man answered, "I couldn't


tell, but I got the license number."

========================================

NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater

Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Auburn University students, crashed into a

cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies

so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

========================================

A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and

proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.


Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he

drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the

fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The

passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you

break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!

I never did understand it either." =====================================

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice,

so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her


into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Alabama and

I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would

you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but


my earrings." You gotta love those Alabama women.”

“1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.


2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.


3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.


4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.


5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.


7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

*You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
* If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
* If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.


If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.


And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.



Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really good for anything, but still bring a smile to your face when
you push them down a flight of stairs”

“It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on October 3rd. He was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his a--, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.”

“LOL !!”

“Yeah like the friend who missed his 40th anniversary....that night he got home and his wife was POed she told him "When I get up in the morning I want something in the driveway that will go 0 to 200 in no time flat....Then next morning she walks out and there is a scale in the driveway.....”

“you guys crack me up”

“Question:- How many Forum members does it take to change a Lightbulb?

Answer:- 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again”

“Just like a $%%&*@#$ing conservative (liberal?) to post crap like that;)”

“manuka...how bout the people to condemn those who don't use ultralight light bulbs?”

“I just flew in from Miami and boy are my arms tired.”

“Conk, that made me chuckle.”

“Take my wife, please............”

“http://www.thebackpacker.com/trailtalk/thread/40476,-1.php


manuka is a couple weeks early of the 6-month time frame”

““Four to blame Bush for the lightbulb going out in the first place, and not having a clean natural source of energy to replace the old one.”
mountainpeak
1:30:33 PM
9/23/05”

“This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk). About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."”

“LOL...hahahahahahahahahaha.............good one.......”

“On the first day, after her husband asked for a divorce wanting her to move out ASAP so his girlfriend could move in, she agreed and began packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.


People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,.........including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?”

“Fury hath no Rath like a ......................”

“dang good bunny boiling story in anycase



but probably just a story”

“Even dead shrimp stops stinking after a while.”

“THE VIBRATOR


AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER
DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE
DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING
IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE
ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE
OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY
AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND
SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE
VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE
ASKED WHAT THE @#@# ARE YOU DOING?'

THE HUSBAND REPLIED "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW "”

“The Meanings of Friendship



Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.



Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.”

“In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know
what I just heard about your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend,
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to
say. That's why I call it the triple filter test.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something bad about him, but
you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because
there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell
me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither true nor
good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

Which is why Socrates was deemed a very smart man....
... But also explains why he never found out Plato was sleeping with his wife.”

“A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and
> > > they were in a mall for the first time in their life.
> > > The father and son were strolling around while the wife
> > > shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
> > > especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
> > > slide back together again.
> > >
> > > The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
> > >
> > > The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
> > > "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire
>life,
> > >
> > > I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
> > >
> > > While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
> > > lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
> > > button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
>small
> > >
> > > room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
> > > circular numbers above the walls light up sequentiall! y. They
> > > continued
> > > to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began
>to
> > >
> > > light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
> > > gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
> > >
> > > The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
> > > said quietly to his Son,






> > >
> > >
> > > "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "”

“Almost better than a cup of coffee to start your morning.... If you
need a
> laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
>
> These are real answers given by children.
>
> Q: Name the four seasons.
> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
>
> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
>
> Q: How is dew formed! ?
> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
>
> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
> A: Keep it in the cow.
>
> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends
> to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
> nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
>
! ;
> Q: What are steroids?
> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
>
&nbs! p;
> Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
>
> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
>
> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> A: Premature death.
>
> Q: What is artificial insemination?
> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
>
> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.go.,abdomen.)
> A: The b! ody is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the
borax and
> the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains
> the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A,
> E, I, O, and U.
>
> Q: What is the fibula?
> A: A small lie.
>
> Q: What does "varicose" mean?
> A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
>
> Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section! "
> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
>
> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (My favorite).
>
> Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what
you
> are talking about.”

“Blonde Cookbook

Monday:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients,
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the
garden?

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night Dear Diary.
This has been a very exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
Chocolate Moose”

“OH GOD..these are great, so truly how many of you are firefighters or Cops?”

“It is good to be a woman:
> >
> > 1. We got off the Titanic first.
> > 2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious
> > gynecological disorder excuses.
> > 3 Taxis stop for us.
> > 4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when
> > dancing.
> > 5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the
> > Speedo.
> > 6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
> > 7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
> > 8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever
> > touching her rear end.
> > 9. We never have to reach down every so often to
> > make sure our privates are still there.
> > 10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
> > 11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having
> > to picture them naked
> > 12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are
> > aware that we will look like an idiot.
> > 13. We will never regret piercing our ears
> > 14. There are times when chocolate really can solve
> > all your problems.
> > 15. We can make comments about how silly men are in
> > their presence because they aren't listening anyway”

“Yup, That's What I'm Talking About....



Man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."”

“WHY PARENTS PRAY THERE CHILDREN HAVE KIDS.

..
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's

whisper.

Hello"
Is your daddy home?" he asked.
Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered,"No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?"
Yes."
May I talk with her?"
No

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
>>boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked,"May I speak with the policeman?"
No, he's busy", whispered the child.
Busy doing what?"
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
> >>
answer.
Growing concerned and even more worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear peice on the phone the boss
asked, "What is that noise?"
A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the
hello-copper."Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little
> >> >>frustrated the boss asked,
>"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle:
>ME”

“LOL! I shouldn't be laughing at that joke, Mapes!”

“What you call a cow with no legs?


Ground beef.”

“In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.
They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great,
I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!





Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN











If you have chosen:








a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

lol....hahahahahahahah”

“My daughter was born & grew up on our 35 mountain top wooded acres surrounded by even more forest. She took great pleasure in hiding from us. You could be right on top of her, calling her name & she wouldn't move & would be quiet. Once I saw her running above me & had to scramble up a hill & she went running off (giggling away) until I caught her completely exhausted. She knew I would never hit her & happy that she was ok.

Today, she teaches 3rd grade & is a wonderfull mother of 2 (varmits) 4 & 11 months. She says she has 3 kids counting her husband.

She is paying for her devilish childhood. We had dinner with them tonight.”

“So...that curse.... "I hope you have a child exactly like you"....works??????”

“This is what marriage is really all about

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the old man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

















"THE TEETH."”

“After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."”

“Okay....fine then I say go ahead and give Osama a pardon, he can't be all bad (LOL)”

“A women was enjoying a nice hot bath when there came a knock at the door.Who is it?she called.Its just the blind man mam ,came a voice from the other side of the door.The woman thought ,what the heck hes blind so he wont see anything.So she said come in.And as he came through the door the man says WOW ,nice boobs!! Now where do you want me to put these blinds?!”

“SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't
need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car
in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.”

“Good one...ahem...not that I can relate or anything like that.”

“If I don't wear a bra, all my face wrinkles will go away?”

“White Lie Church Cake

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --
especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group
bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last
minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets she found a dusty old angel food cake mix
in the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying
her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout
camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had
dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh
dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in
at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being
inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect
woman able to handle all things at all times or that, God forbid, she
was not participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the
house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it
in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then
covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and
specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at
9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter
arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had
already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified.. she was beside herself. Everyone would know
.what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized,
talked about, ridiculed. She would have to move again! All night
Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at
her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think
about the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at
the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice
did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more
than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single
parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having
already RSVPed she could not think of a believable excuse to stay
home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crusty
old South.... and to Alice's horror the CAKE in question ----was
presented for dessert!!!!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she
started to get out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about
it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What
a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned and trying to
formulate what words she would use to explain the situation, sat back
in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church
member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "There is a God".”

“A man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded , "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”