Cute Jokes......

“Bad Supertroll! Bad!”

“LOL”

“There were two muffins cooking in the oven. One muffin says to the other.."Holy crap it's hot in here!!" The other muffin replies.."Holy crap!! A talking muffin!!!"”

“I don't get it - does that mean I muffined the joke?”

“Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?



Because it was dead.”

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?



Because it was stapled to the squirrel.”

“I thought it was stapled to the monkey?”

“Santa was arrested last night for spousal abuse.


He kept calling Mrs. Clause a ho ho ho.”

“what is green and has wheels?

grass. (i lied about the wheels.)”

“What is yellow and stalky?......


Corn”

“what do you get when you cross an eliphant and a rhino?

'ell if I Know”

“2 antennae got married. The wedding ceremony was so so, but







the reception was awesome!
last edited: 4/05/06 10:50:41 AM”

“G R O A N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Law and Order
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.”

“Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place. Smack his ass again."”

“Cat Lover's or Not, This Is Hysterical...

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!”

“LOL Meooooooowwwwwwwchhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

“Sad News


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the
age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up! You know it's funny.”

“It's very funny. I can't wait to traumatize family and friends with it.”

“LMAO, that is funny! :-)”

“You put your right foot in,
You put your right foot out;
You put your right foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out;
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out;
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your left hand in,
You put your left hand out;
You put your left hand in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your right side in,
You put your right side out;
You put your right side in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your left side in,
You put your left side out;
You put your left side in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your nose in,
You put your nose out;
You put your nose in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your backside in,
You put your backside out;
You put your backside in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your head in,
You put your head out;
You put your head in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

You put your whole self in,
You put your whole self out;
You put your whole self in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about”

“It's sad to see the same old joke posted 10 days later. Give me some time to forget I heard it. Anyway, it should go "They put his right foot in. And then the trouble started."


http://www.thebackpacker.com/trailtalk/thread/43469,-1.php

(stream - I'm just giving you grief. I don't expect anyone to read every thread. I only have time to pick out a few threads when I read and miss most of them.)”

“Don't worry streamweaver, pedx wouldn't have known your joke had the wrong foot either, if I hadn't posted the lyrics. ;-)”

“I confess, I wouldn't know which foot it was. And, I was just bustin his chops to start trouble.

Still, the joke works better with "foot."”

“My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I
just couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly
because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef, figuring it would add a little spice to my life, but
I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the
mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net
income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work
was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the
job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.

Sooooooooooooo I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!”

“~groan~”

“A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs in the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullish bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullish bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs. "The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar#&%!$youate”

“Hmm, that should be barb!tchyouate.

Damn filter.”

“I have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association down in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes.The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there is being built just next to them, six new homes.....big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald Bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City,County, the Police and got no help. So..................guess what some people in his community did?

They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is HILARIOUS !!!!!!!!

They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in gold put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means.

Well the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras; 46 out of 68, of the construction workers did not show up for work the next morning!!!!!!!!............and haven't come back yet!!!!! It has been ten days.

Now the General Contractor, I understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have it on their home owner association records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace.............."have at it"!

SO FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT YANKEE INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!!!!!!!”

“GREAT STORY.”

“The Shoe Pledge
>
>
>As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules
>when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:
>
>I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over
>and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the
>sides
>and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.
>
>I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and
>chip-free.
>
>I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.
>
>I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.
>
>I will shave the hairs off my big toe.
>
>If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into
>place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.
>
>I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she
>asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell
>her
>that
>her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet
>look
>good.
>
>I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they
>actually
>flip
>and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT
>to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.
>
>I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell
>and begin to look like Vienna sausages.”

“A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
> particularly
> >dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars
> >for dinner.
> >
> >The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
> give
> >you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
> >
> >"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
> >
> >"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man
> asked.
> >
> >"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
> spend
> >all my time trying to stay alive."
> >
> >"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
> food?"
the
> >man asked.
> >
> >"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
> 20
> >years!"
> >
> >"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
> instead of
> >food?" the man asked.
> >
> >"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
> homeless
man.
> >
> >"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead,
> I'm
> >going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
> >
> >The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
you
> for
> >doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
> disgusting."
> >
> >The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a
> man
> >looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."”

“Subject: Acme Costume Company.


bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a
Halloween party. He
> doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head
and his leg so he
> writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
>
> A few days later he received a parcel with the
following note:
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will
> cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you
will be just right
> as a pirate.
>
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co
> .
>
> The man thinks this is terrible because they have
emphasized his wooden
> leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week
goes by and he
> receives another parcel and a note, which says:
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your
> wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really
look the part.
>
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.
>
>
> Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
emphasizing his
> wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he
writes the company
> another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he
gets a small parcel
> and a note, which reads:
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag
of crushed nuts.
>
> Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed
nuts, stick your
> wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
>
> Very truly yours,
> Acme Costume Co.”

“This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at
> Clemens University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno
> mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests...
>
> After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with
> a microphone to talk to the crowd. He! said he wanted to thank
> everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
>
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
>
> As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give
> everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of
> everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He
> said this was his gift to everyone and asked them to open their
> envelope. Inside each manila
envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best
man.
>
> The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
> hired a private detective to tail them. After standing there just
> watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned
to
> the best man and said,

> "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".
>
> Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta
> here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While
> most
> people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
> about
> the affair, this guy goes through with the charade as if nothing was
> wrong.
>
> His revenge....making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
> 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's
> and
> best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
> This guy has balls the size of church bells.
>
> Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" Commercial
out
> of this:
> > Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
> friends....$32,000.
> Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion......$3,000.
> Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
> The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of
the
> bride humping the best man..........Priceless.
>
> There are some things money can't buy. For everything else,
> there's
> MASTERCARD!!!.”

“In a Laughing Condition:

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in
court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself. The man replied,

"Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and
I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."
"But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"”

“AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything
we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one
bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".”

“A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his Glass in the air,pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The TEXAS boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."”

“Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried
to avoid it but couldn't… the aged bovine was struck and killed.



Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed inthe car making phone calls to
lobbyists.


About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a rare huge Cuban cigar in the other, and assmiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.



"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.



"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his
wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad
passionate love to me."



"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.



The driver replied: "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver, and I've just killed the old cow,' and the
rest happened like lightning."”

“two thumbs way up for hyway
last edited: 5/07/06 5:44:31 PM”

“it would have been funnier with barbara bush”

“1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass and then think about helping your dumbass up.

This is my oath. I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask; because you are my "friend".

Remember: A good friend will help you move - - a really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!!!”

“Man that is good dancing....”

“i'll just have to take your word for it that tese are funny...they're just too damn long for me to read ;)”

“That video was funny.”

“In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
President George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey is next.”

“Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Darryl
because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Darryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened
to you?" He said, "Darryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched
him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Darryl shakes
the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darryl into bed and kissed
him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."”

“this is audio

http://www.adforum.com/creative_archive/2005/AW37_ANDY/reel_detail2.asp?ID=48595&TDI=VDKzZ74a&PAGE=1&bShop=&awcat=&ob=intlevel&awid”

“A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he
comes up to another man

hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.




Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what
the hell are you

doing?"




"I'm listening to the music of the tree."




"You gotta be kiddin' me."




"No, would you like to give it a try?"




"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and
presses his ear up

against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set
of handcuffs on him

on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet,
jewelry, car keys, then

strips him naked and leaves.




Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees
this guy handcuffed

to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell
happened to you?"



So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got
there.



While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes
his head in sympathy,

walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and
says, "This just

isn't gonna be your day."”

“Drinking Buddies > >
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other & says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine & coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet & pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed & my wife STILL wakes up & yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him & says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the fanny & shout, "WHO'S HORNY!?"......she acts like she is asleep every time."”