Cute Jokes......

“LMBO @ treebait.”

“A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and he inquired of his
father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and
they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a
strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere
they went?"”

“So solly!!
last edited: 9/11/06 11:04:43 AM”

“good one, streamweaver. both of em”

“Life is so unfair. ;-)

That got a chuckle out of me, streamweaver.”

“A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying Weapons of Math Instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but it has been determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say: There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Harry Reid said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."”

“~groan~”

“This guy is on the road at a small Hotel bar. He spys two girls seated together. He wanders up and sees in the dark bar that one is a Beautiful blonde the other is a rather homely blonde. He strikes up a conversation with the cutie. After a couple of hours he makes his move.
"So, why don't you tell your friend you will see her in the morning?" The guy asks.

"I am sorry," the girl answers ,"You are a cute guy but you need to understand we are siamese twins, where I go she has to go."

Sure enough they are both connected at the hip.

The homely one perks up and says,"look we deal with this all the time, how bout we both go up to your room, I know my sister really likes you and we can make something happen."
So the guy hesitantly takes them up to the room when they get in there the homely blonde asks for a sheet. She explains that she will entertain herself with playing her harmonica and her sister and he can have a bit more privacy.

So they undress the homely sister pulls out the harmonica and covers herself with a sheet while the guy and the cute sister get freaky.

A few months later the girls are walking through town and they see the businessman. "Look" says the cute twin,"there is that cute guy we met a few months ago. Want to go talk to him?'

"I don't know," says the homely one, "Do you think he will remember us?"
last edited: 9/20/06 9:30:23 AM”

“hehe...I liked SS's joke.”

“A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were that the short story had to contain the following three things:

1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ story in the entire class:

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."”

“Ha ha...that one made me laugh!”

“A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"




As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"




She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."”

“An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said, "Father .. During World
War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked
me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my
attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you
did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me
with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in
great danger. However, two people under those
circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"”

“i thought for sure the punchline to xl's joke was going to have something to do with the harmonica and how she played it...”

“Stovie that joke is two thirds of a pun.....



P U”

“ARRR ARRR ARRR”

“Life's Certainties

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,well-dressed
good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

May I help you?" she asked.

I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else," said the madam.

No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared
and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too
expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again
the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he
had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer”

“I can't remember if I already shared this one or not, but it's funny, as long as you don't go and get all PC on me.



>Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite
>bar, drinking beer.
>
>Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
>life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community
>college, and sign up for some classes."
>
>Bob thinks that's a fine idea, and the two leave.
>
>The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions,
>who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, history, and
>Logic.
>
>"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
>
>The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
>
>"Yeah."
>
>"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
>you would have a yard."
>
>"That's true, I do have a yard."
>
>"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
>logically that you would have a house."
>
>"Yes, I do have a house."
>
>"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically
>have a family."
>
>"Yes, I have a family."
>
>"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you
>must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
>must be a heterosexual."
>
>"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out
>all of that because I have a weed eater."
>
>Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
>go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is
>signed
>up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
>
>"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
>
>Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
>
>"No."
>
>"Then you're a queer."”

“*snicker*”

“he he he he”

“There was a Norwegian Farmer who loved his wife so much... he almost told her.”

“... I'm going to adapt that one, Nowslimmer. Thanks.”

“Thanks, Gremlin. Credit really belongs to this week's e-mail newsletter of A Prairie Home Companion, where "This joke was submitted by Steve T. of Delano, Minnesota."”

“There's an e-newsletter for APHC? Thanks again.

Doug”

“newsletter?!

thanks from me too!”

“Do you have a weed eater?"
>
>"No."
>
>"Then you're a queer."”

i think i saw bacpac use that logic once”

“How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?

Oh, sorry, this is the cute joke thread...”

“give her twelve inches...(Stroke three times), and then slap her.”

“Like all wild animals, keep your distance from rattlesnakes. Remember what happened to Crikey!


Yeah! They even had to pull his line of sunblock off the shelves.


Found out it didn't protect against deadly rays.”

“Dang HOI!
That was so bad I'll have to remember it and tell it during my Monday morning meeting.”

“So there's two grizzlies bears talking about food. They discuss berries and deer and sheep and salmon, then one says "So, do you ever eat hikers?"

And the second says "No, I tried one once. It was terrible."

And the first says "Why? Is it because they're tough and stringy and have no fat on them?"

And the second says "Yeah, there's all that that but it's mostly...well - have you ever tried to clean one?"”

“I worry about you guys sometimes.”

“A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the Ohio River."”

“yea, cuz when i hear the word cute, the first thing i think of is prostitution

its "cute" jokes, xl, not c*nt jokes
last edited: 9/27/06 5:13:23 PM”

“A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' and it didn't move"”

“I doubt this really is an authentic transcript, but it is still funny:

British Navy Vs Irish

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,
I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse ... Your call.”

“Well, at the very least, it has been modified. I have heard variations of that at least as much as 25 years ago. If it happened, it wasn't in 1998.”

“My Dad was an electrician on a destroyer during the Korean War. He was doing lookout duty one day when he noticed that another destroyer was heading in their direction. Apparently, the other destroyer was captained by a man that was pissed off at the captain of the ship my Dad was on. Neither captain would give way and the two ships collided. My Dad said he jumped into a gun turret before the collision and when they hit he thought the ship would sink...it didn't. They had to stay in port for a month to fix the ship.

MDS”

“i dont get mds's joke”

“So this German and American Soldier are looking across the lines at each other during the stalemate in the winter of 1944. The American decides to try to contact the German. So he looks across, gets the German's attention and signs "I am Airborne" by making a half moon out of his hand and dropping it slowly to the ground to imitate a parachute dropping. Then he points to himself.
Then he points to the German and signs "ARE you Infantry?" by making the WALKING sign with his fingers.
Getting no response he trys to sign "Are you Artillery?" by making a fist and inserting his finger in teh bottom of his fist as if loading an Howitzer.
Getting no response he then trys 'Are you observation?" he takes his hands and puts them over his eyes like a pair of binoculors.

The German jumps up and races back to the command post. Here he reports an upcoming attack. His commanders sit him down to debrief him and he explains. 'Well I see this American and from what I think he told me. When the sun sets (making the parachute imitation with his hands) he was going to walk over here (walking motion with his fingers) and F*&%k me in the a$$ (making the fist with the finger inserted into it) until my eyes pop out (making the binoculor gesture).”

“cute - clever, shrewd”

“Hey Crash...it is a true story...just a random thought after reading the other joke.

;)”

“Damn Net Nanny Crash Bang!”

“Not a joke but if you love reading good Performance Riders Iggy Pop has a hoot of a rider.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1004061iggypop1.html”

“More differences between men and women. How to shower:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note—must do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,leg cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee (in the shower).

16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

17. Partially dry off.

18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed again.”

“LOL
Does that Woo Woo thing work for you?
Never did work very well for me. ;-)”

“I cannot say I have actually tried it. You would have to ask the wife.”

“It makes her laugh. Thats about it.”

“She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.



He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me at this

very moment."



His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all

on the kitchen table.



Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.



More than a little puzzled he asks, "What was that all about?"



She explains, "The egg timer's broken."”

“ROFLMFAO!
Too good Graska!”