Cute Jokes......

“Blame Larry The Cable Guy fer thatun. Git Er Done!”

“Red Neck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me”

“GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.”

“Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this.....

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous
so he decided to tell her a little joke as put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't ," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile..........

"Oh, well. I tried." he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.................

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working.”

“MAKING A BABY...
>
> There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
>
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
> decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
>
> On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
> kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
> The man should be here soon."
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
> Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
>
> Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
> embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
>
> "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
> that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
>
> "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
> Please come in and have a seat"
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where
> do we start?"
>
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
> bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
> on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
> fun. You can really spread out there."
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work out for Harry and me!"
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time. But if we try several different
> positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
> sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
> time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
> but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
>
> "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
> out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
> done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
> "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
> when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
>
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to
> the park to get the job done right. People were
> crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
>
> "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes
> wide with amazement.
>
> "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more
> than three hours, too.
>
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
> I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
> I had to rush my shots.
>
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
> equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
> actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
>
> "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready,
> I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
>
> "Tripod?"
>
> "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
> Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the
> hand very long."
>
> Mrs. Smith fainted.........”

“:)”

“Heehee.”

“The nature of Politics

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask
you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the
wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother
is the administrator of money, so we'll call her
Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you
The People. We'll call the Maid The Working
Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you
understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night: Awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously
soiled his nappy the boy went to his parents' room and
found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's
room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his
father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went
totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy
returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next
morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being
completely ignored and the Future is in deep #&%!$!"”

“A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lovers' spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. There he sees a young man sitting behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a lovely young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop says: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane....and nothing romantic is happening? The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And the young lady, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."”

“Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV
stations are joining together and are planning to do their own,
entitled:
"SURVIVOR-- SOUTHERN STYLE"

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on
to South Carolina. >From there they will head up to North Carolina and
over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and
large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR
Sucks, Go Yankees; Hillary in 2008, and Deer Hunting is Murder!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.”

“I'd like to see that one.”

“Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence)


There once was a little boy who had a bad


temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails


and told him that every time he lost his


temper, he must hammer a nail into the back


of the fence. The first day the boy had


driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next


few weeks, as he learned to control his


anger, the number of nails hammered daily


gradually dwindled down. He discovered


it was easier to hold his temper than to


drive those nails into the fence.


Finally the day came when the boy didn't


lose his temper at all. He told his father


about it and the father suggested that the


boy now pull out one nail for each day that


he was able to hold his temper.


The days passed and the young boy was finally


able to tell his father that all the nails


were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence He said, "You


have done well, my son, but look at the


holes in the fence. The fence will never be


the same. When you say things in anger,


they leave a scar just like this one. You


can put a knife in a man and draw it out.


It won't matter how many times you say I'm


sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal


wound is as bad as a physical one.


Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They


make you smile and encourage you to succeed.


They lend an ear, they share words of praise


and they always want to open their hearts to us."


It's National Friendship Week. Show your


friends how much you care.


Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.”

“that was neither cute nor a joke”

“The mystery is finally solved.

How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse?

Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out.

When it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Also use the left click button


http://www.1-click.jp”

“I've enjoyed a number of successful marriages.”

“I was walking down the street the other day when I was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

I got ten dollars out of my purse and asked, "If I give you this money,
will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping, " the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going

to take you out to dinner with my husband and I tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting..."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
Like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."”

“Homeless women are great dates....you take em out...do what you want and then you can drop them off anywhere - Andrew Dice Clay”

“omg....lol...hahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!”

“CAMPING

A very proper lady began planning a weeks camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.
So he sent this reply:

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

Thank you for your interest in our campgrounds,

Manager.”

“Teacher is going around the class the last week of school talking about "WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO."

The kiddies give the usual answer, Lawyer, Doctor, Salesman....until she gets to Little Johnny

When questioned Johnny says quietly "Teacher my daddy died a couple of years ago."

The teacher is mortified and repllies...."Um I am so sorry, what did he do before he died?"

Johnny replied,"UM he turned blue and crapped all over the carpet."”

“WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME! haha

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the Activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when She needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right,
So some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
And stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,
So again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her,
And then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said,
Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson. .
"They won't let me fart."”

“Finally...a good joke !

Thanks nowslimmer !”

“Haha!!! Needed a light laugh... thanks :O)”

““Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several southern TV
stations are joining together and are planning to do their own,
entitled:
"SURVIVOR-- SOUTHERN STYLE"

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on
to South Carolina. >From there they will head up to North Carolina and
over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and
Louisiana, finally ending up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and
large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR
Sucks, Go Yankees; Hillary in 2008, and Deer Hunting is Murder!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.”
streamweaver
10:25:12 AM
5/09/07

oooh, they did this on an episode of Top Gear, in britain, just this past season.. it really was quite scary.”

“Heck, that's the easy part of our Black Belt Test in aikijutsu. Also, we have to go in an Alabama Red Neck Bar and return within twenty minutes with two ears besides our own.”

“Friends Romans and countrymen... Lend me your ears?”

“lol....this is bad....and sad....

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to
git cancer ?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And
now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an
cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true,
Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonalds for
millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and
still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer." "But why are you
asking?" "Well, I was thinkin .... What I want to know is, kin I sue
Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"”

“A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"”

“niiiiiice.”

“Good one--joke about pot are funny”

“OMG...that was sooooooooo cute!!!!!!”

“:0

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6,& 12
> >>
> >>
> >> A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
> >> they happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.
> >>
> >> What are these, Dad?
> >>
> >> To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
> >> condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.
> >>
> >>
> >> Oh I see," replied the boy.
> >>
> >> "Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School"
> >>
> >> He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
> >> are there 3 in this package?"
> >>
> >> The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one
> >> for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
> >>
> >> "Cool" says the boy.
> >>
> >> He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"
> >>
> >> "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO
> >> for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
> >>
> >> "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up
> >> a 12 pack.
> >>
> >> With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
> >> "Those are for married men.
> >> One for January, one for February, one for March.......”

“That is a good one Div!”

“condoms after the wedding day? fuhgedaboudit”

“crash, you don't know where that hoes been! better keep the rainsuit on.”

“That reminds me -

What do you call 365 used condoms melted down into a tire?




A Goodyear....”

“Dog Food Diet
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??”

“wouldn't ya have dogs following ya everywhere sniffin ya????”

“Hey, they're just saying "hello!"”

“Try telling that to a judge.”

“Divinity, you were licking your balls?”

“My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"”

“This is getting weird now.”

“So...am I gonna be rich????


Dear Sir/Madam,

Accept my appology if this mail message does not suit your personal or
business
ethics. With sincerity I write to seek your cooperation and assistance
to make a
life time proper investments in the economy of your country.

I am Andrew Henderson, a UK based attorney. I had a client who was a
German
immigrant & property magnate but now deceased. He died with his wife
and their
only two children inyear 2000 in a New York bound Air France concord
plane
crash. Please visit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/851636.stm for
more
information regarding the crash.

There are some of his properties putout for sale before his death which
I
monitored and for which payments have been made. The proceeds of the
sales were
deposited into his local account here. As his recognized attorney, his
bank has
issued a notice to provide his next-of-kin.

All my efforts have not been able tolocate his relatives which means I
have not
been able to provide his next-of-kin. The deadline is almost elapsing.
I want
you to work with me & assist in repatriating all the money left behind
by my
client before it gets confiscated or the account declared unserviceable
by his
bank. I am therefore, by this mail seeking your consent to present you
as the
next-of-kin of the deceased so that the outstanding balance ofUS$15.5
Million
dollars, can be paid to your account.

Thereafter, we shall meet and the fund shall be shared amongst us. We
can both
agree on a mutually acceptable percentage to be used in sharing between
us. But
I hereby propose 60/40 percent ratio ( 60%-to me and 40% to you).

I have access to all necessary information that can be used to back up
the
process of this financial claim. All I require is your honesty and
co-operation
to enable us see this deal through. To enable me present you as the
next-of-kin
I will equally need the following details from you:

(1)Name(s) that you intend to use for this transaction
(2)Telephone/fax number
(3)Contact address
(4)Age
(5)Occupation and Nationallity.

With these, I guarantee that it will be executed under a legitimate
arrangement
that will protect us from any breach of the law in wherever you want
the fund
transferred to. As the attorney to the deceased, I assure that this is
a
risk-free business.

A swift acknowledgement of the receipt of this email would be
appreciated.

Regards,

Andrew Henderson.”

“Canceling Credit Cards - Priceless!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless,and so so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card, and added late fees
and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe , you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is
dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or
report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really like this part!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the
part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and
charges still apply."(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"”

“My wife was complaining that I don't treat her like a princes. So I piled five buddies into the back of my car with cameras and we chased her all over the city until she crashed in a tunnel.”

“ok...this is sorta bad....


I rear ended a car a few days ago.....I tell you, It was a REALLY bad
day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"”

“oooohhhhhhhhhhhh”

“Have I offended anyone???

..I sure didn't mean to!”

“Did you offend him? Other than with the accident that is...”