Cute Jokes......

“Shut up Storm...this is my thread!!!!


LOL......hehehehehe”

“Oh and good luck on the AT......keep us up with reports and where you are at......ya never know when a TTer may show up!!!!”

“Talk about Amish....

This Amish family goes into a big city for the first time. The mother's by the counter looking at some items in a store. The father and their son are browsing and happen to see two shiny doors slide open. A plain Jane older woman enters and the doors slide shut....and the lights at the top of the doors, start to light up left to right. Pretty soon the lights start to go back from right to left, and the doors open. Out comes a beautiful tall blonde woman. The son asks his father, "What is that thing?". His father says, "I don't know...but get your mother here quick!!"”

“Bobbitt Update
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had
done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate
as
Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh
causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be
in
serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....








(scroll down)










Misdewiener

....LOL...hahahahahha....”

“your joke license is being officially revoked”

“hahaha...you can't stop me!!!!...


LOLLL”

“A lady went into a bar in San Antonio and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady!

Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."”

“haha good one”

“The elephant asks the camel: "Why are your boobs on your back?"
"hmmm" the camel answers, "that's really a stupid question from someone wearing his p_e_n_i_s on his face".”

“I like it Gemini.”

“Taking a cultural look
Cultural Perspective

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."”

“does that mean jews dont drink?”

“cute.....

heres one :0

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man
went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped
her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she
took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man
couldn't restrain his curiosity.

He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare
condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've
never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."”

“A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500 American dollars that nobody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"”

“Long ago, a Japanese Emperor was seeking a new Head Samurai. He sent emissaries far and wide seeking the most worthy men. After a year, he had the three best lined up in front of him: a Korean samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

He asks the Korean samurai, “Why should I hire you as my Head Samurai?”

The Korean samurai bows to the Emperor, and pulls a little box from his pocket. He set the box on the floor and opens it. Out pops a fly which start flying about the room. The Korean samurai draws his sword. WHOOOOSH! The fly drops to the floor, cut in two.

“Impressive” says the Emperor.

Then the Emperor turns to the Chinese samurai and asks, “Why should I hire you as my Head Samurai?”

The Chinese samurai bows to the Emperor, and pulls a little box from his pocket. He set the box on the floor and opens it. Out pops a fly which start flying about the room. The Chinese samurai draws his sword. WHOOOOSH! WHOOOSH! The fly drops to the floor, cut in four pieces.

“Very impressive” says the Emperor.

Then the Emperor turns to the Jewish samurai and asks, “Why should I hire you as my Head Samurai?”

The Jewish samurai bows to the Emperor, and pulls a little box from his pocket. He set the box on the floor and opens it. Out pops a fly which start flying about the room. The Jewish samurai draws his sword. WHOOOOSH! WHOOOSH! WHIRRRRR! WHOOOOSH! WHOOOSH! The fly continues to buzz around the room.

The Emperor frowns and says “After all that, the fly still lives?”

The Jewish samurai smiles and says “Circumcision is not meant to kill.””

“omg...LOL>.hahahahaahah.......Nigal...that was a good one.....”

“Those last 5 jokes were great. Keep em coming.”

“yea i liked the samaurai one..

gemini, i posted that one before, ya goof.”

“On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".”

“i knew that was coming!”

“I thought it was cute.”

“the cable guy said that one of his sisters entered in a wet
T-shirt contest, so happened
one of her boobs was larger than the other.

she came in first and third.”

“In a small village on the west coast of Ireland, three brothers would go to the pub every Wednesday night to pull on each others pipe (tease) and solve the problems of the world.

Well, one brother emmigrated to Australia and another to Canada. The third brother kept coming to the pub on the Wednesday and ordered three pints at a time while assuring the other village folk that his two brothers were doing the same thing in their new lands.

One day he walked in and ordered only two pints. The publican asked with a worried expression if one of the brothers had passed away.

'No,' answered the Irishman, 'I stopped drinking.'”

“Subject: Got to love Alabama Women!
>
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new
> wives straight on their duties. The first man had married a woman
from
> Penn. And bragged that he
> had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning
> that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days
but
on
> the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed
> and put away.
>
> The second man had married a woman from West Virginia He bragged that
he
> had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and
> cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but
the
> next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes
> was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
>
>
> The third man had married a Alabama girl. He boasted that he told
her his
> house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
> washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he
> didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by
the
> third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little
out
> of his left eye!
>
>
> Got to love Alabama Women!
>”

“LOL, I came to know as I was reading this that divinity would be the poster!”

“Why wasn't I surprised at these answers?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere”

“> MALE OR FEMALE??
>
>
> >
> > You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and
> > classified as female? Well, I believe everything in this
world
> actually does have a gender. And here are some of them:
> >
> > ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but
you
> > always see right through them.
> >
> > SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with
their
> > tongues hanging out.
> >
> > PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a
> > while to warm up.
> >
> > TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often
> over-inflated.
> >
> > HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere
> you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's
the hot
> air part.
> >
> > SPONGES are female, because ! they are soft, squeezable and
> retain water.
> >
> > THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick
> > people up.
> >
> > AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts
to
> > the bottom.
> >
> > HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the
> last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.
> >
> > A REMOTE CONTROL is female ... Ha! You thought it would be
> "male".
> > But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost
without
> it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to
push,
they
> keep on trying.
>
>”

“i dont keep trying, i figure if it aint working ill just give it awhile and itll come around...”

“but ya gotta love the men who keep on trying!!!!!!!”

“ha ive known one or two...but since women are like the remote, i usually just slap the remote on the backside to get it juiced up and it seems to do whatever i want then...




ARENT WOMEN JUST LIKE THAT???”

“:O”

“see...just got to give them the element of surprise...”

“well....you know women love surprizes!!!”

“lol seems like you know what im talking about then div...have your batteries been running low lately????”

“no..in fact I have stock in Eveready.......


LOL>.hahahaha”

“well i personally keep some energizers handy for that better half...cuz they keep going and going and going and....”

“LOL...hahahahha.....”

“Here are some T-Shirt slogans seen lately.


God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If You Can Read This, My wife Fell Off

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

What If the Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law!

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I'm Dead

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade!

I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well”

“wow..I posted this joke and the thread never came to the top !!!!”

“Ya, it's been shoved down into the non essential (read:political) section.....at the bottom. :o(”

“I brought it back up again!!!!!”

“Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"”

“LOL.hahahahahaha.......good one...


here's another.....

Little Girl's Dream . . . A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out
of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I
want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and
what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said "A
mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to
pay for all of it".”

“and what the little girl actually got....


A pair of mules for her feet
An aging Rabbit in the garage
A sloth in bed
An jackass who brayed until she paid”

“LOl..omg...that is good....did you make that up??????”

“Yeah, me and one of the ladies I work with.”

“Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
>
>
>
> Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
>
> Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
>
> The proctologist called
> ...they found your head.
>
> Everyone has a photographic memory
> ...some just don't have any film.
>
> Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
>
> Your ridiculous little
> opinion has been noted.
>
> I used to have a handle
> on life...but it broke off.
>
> WANTED: Meaningful
> overnight relationship.
>
> Guys...just because you have one,
> doesn't mean you have to be one.
>
> Some people just don't know how to drive...
> I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
>
> Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal
> friends.
>
> Don't like my driving?
> Then quit watching me.
>
>
> If you can read this...I can
> slam on my brakes and sue you.
>
> Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
>
> Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile
> to be out by itself.
>
> Hang up and drive!!
>
> And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
>
> Welcome to America
> ...now speak English”

“A Doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
>game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
>commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
>going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up
>Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he
>yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a
>home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out
>into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call
>against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!"
>and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going
>very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog leaving his
>assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
>Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
>The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this
>guy walked by and yelled...... "PEANUTS”

“A Doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
>game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
>commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
>going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up
>Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he
>yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a
>home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out
>into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call
>against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!"
>and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going
>very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog leaving his
>assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
>Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
>The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this
>guy walked by and yelled...... "PEANUTS”

“I thought it was soooo good I'd post it twice!!!!!!




actually I didn't mean to......sorry......”