Cute Jokes......

“THAT is a joke :)
..lol...

...I would NEVER had said that.....

..I may have thought it...BUT NEVER said it!
last edited: 6/28/07 12:15:59 PM”

“oh damn, divinity. i soooooooooooooooo wish you had said it! my husband and i are laughing so very hard right now. i'm going to tell this to my friend who is a dwarf and see what he says.”

“>A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for
>Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
>>
>>She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her
>>parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
>>before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello
>>- How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you." When
>>Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
>>wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word,"
>>Saint Peter told her.
>>
>>"Which word?" the woman asked.
>>
>>"Love."
>>
>>The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her
>>into Heaven.
>>
>>About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
>>watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
>>
>>
>>
>>While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
>>arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you
>>been?"
>>
>>"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told
>>her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you
>>while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold
>>the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And
>>my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in
>>Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and
>>here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
>>
>>"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
>>
>>"Which word?" her husband asked.
>>
>>"Czechoslovakia."
>>
>>
>>Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be hell”

“The Dress:

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement--not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to
exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm
wearing it," she said.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days
later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion
where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."”

“LMAO Div!”

“A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
Commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts",
And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
In their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
Home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started
Booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.


When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
Happened?"


The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until
This guy walked by and yelled,


"PEANUTS!"”

“maybe im just slow, but i had to read the dress joke twice”

“LMAO.....CB...I guess it is a "girl thing"
...hugs...”

“uh oh... guess that's what comes of being married for 32 years. I got the dress joke the first time.”

“or being divorced a couple of times - i got it right off too. ;)”

“I got it right away too. Then again, I sold my ex-wifes wedding dress at a consignment shop so I have an insiders understanding of wedding attire insults.”

“Remember the guy who sold his ex's wedding dress on Ebay...OMG he was sooo funny!!!!”

“I believe this was reported in the press years ago but maybe not. It may not even be true but it makes a good story.

Guy was going through the want ads and come across an ad offering a Mercedes-Benz for $25.00. His curiosity raised he called the number and made an appoinment to see the car. He was expecting a real bad vision.

As he walked into the garage he was met with an immaculate shiny late model car. Complete service records. It had very low mileage. In short it was in mint condition. He asked the woman who was showing him the car if he had read the ad wrong. She said, "It should have read $25.00" He agreed that the add did indeed make that offer.

"Why in the world would you offer a car like this for that price?" the man inquired.

"Well, it's like this," the woman heaved a sigh, but smiled broadly at the same time. "It belonged to my husband who recently died leaving me a very nice inheritance. It turns out he had a mistress all these years. His will declared that the Mercedes must be sold and the proceeds go to her."”

“LOL......Take out a loan with the Mercedes as Collateral. Give her the debt for the loan.”

“No problem here understanding about the dress. That was a good one, Divinity. Thanks.”

“LOL......Take out a loan with the Mercedes as Collateral. Give her the debt for the loan.”XL400236
1:55:09 PM
7/05/07

omg that is so devious. i have a new-found respect for you, dude. i wonder if that would actually work”

“That would, of course, violate the terms of the will. But I suppose the satisfaction might be worth the contempt charges.”

“I'm single and have never been married and I got the dress joke right away. I think crash is just slow.”

“I went to a carnival the other day to see this amazing attraction. Tony the Yodeling Shetland Pony. He couldn't perform though because they said he was a little horse.”

“The Bath Tub Test



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself
from time to time, and this should help get you

started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion
was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket
to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"”

“BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?”

“Not exactly a cute joke but still funny.

Signs that you are flat broke

1.American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

10. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

11. At communion you go back for seconds.

12. You wash your toilet paper.

13. You have to save up to be poor.

14. You're in college.

15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

16. You owe yourself money.

17. You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

18. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.


Stupid Library Questions All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome.
I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."”

“5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.


lol..hahahahahahaaaaa

ok...more funny knowing that my roomy and I both worked at a chicken processing plant.....
last edited: 7/16/07 7:23:06 AM”

“Isn't it strange that the great Paris Arch-De-Triumph was only used four times,
Twice by Germany and twice by the US Army”

“Hindu Mystery........

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving
technical support!”

“FIVE LITTLE PIGS
>
>
> A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
> them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
> farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
> mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles
> apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
> which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the
> female pigs got up at 5 A.M. , loaded the pigs into the family station
> wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
> While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know
> if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in
> the grass in the morning, they're pregnant . If they're in the mud,
> they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he
> hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and
> proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a
> week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called
> to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs
> are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're
> in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."”

“A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered.
“On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on
the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did all this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago.””

“A pregnant woman is in her bedroom, getting undressed for a shower. When she's in the buff her little 5 year old daughter happens to walk in. She see's mom's big belly and innocently says..."Mom, your getting FAT!"
Mom calmly tells the little girl that her tummy is getting big because there's a baby growing in it.

The little girl thinks and then asks, "Well then...what's growing in your butt?"”

“LOL...thanks Stove.”

“I was going to put the 'pregnant' joke in lyra's preggers thread, but I decided I wanted to live.”

“LOL....they tend to get a bit touchy at that point.”

“20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go.."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20.Stare at the ceiling and see how many people do too!!!! ( when we were at Mardi Gras this year Lee would look and point at the RSA Tower and see how many people looked up...lol...it was awesome...most did!!...and my cats did it to me all the time.....)”

“Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face

im confused here. is my face serious when i am ordering, or am i going out to eat with a serious expression on my face, or is there a serious face literally seated across fromm me at the dinner table?”

“you should always have a serious look on your face!

seriously....”

“i dont believe it”

“I'm super cereal. There's a manbearpig.”

“I like #5.”

“lol...treebait....that could backfire with everyone being ugly to coworkers!!!!!”

“One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."”

“4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

I'm going to try that.”

“go up to one of the locals and say something completely inappropriate in their language, with a completely straight face: yesterday i got in a cab and thought about telling the cabbie: bathroom”

“I've been in a car with EddieS at the Wendy's drive thru where he specified thru the speaker that his order was 'to go'. Then, the guy at the window handed us the drinks and said it would be just a moment for the rest - EddieS then assured the kid that we would "wait right here".

The kid was very confused and looked just a little worried.”

“Add this as 21:

Next time you get onto an elevator, shadow box in the corner as other riders get on.”

“actually all you have to do on elevators is stand with your back to the door....”

“This is good:

-----
NEVER HEARD CREATION EXPLAINED THIS WAY BEFORE!!!

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14.

S o God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's
Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.”

“I'd heard that before... I love it.”

“A man wanted to become a monk. He went to a monestary where he was told he would not be allowed to speak at all. The only exception was once every 7 years you could approach the high priest and say just 2 words.
After the first 7 years he went to say his first 2 words to the priest, he said "Food bad". 7 years later he went to speak again, he said "Bed hard". Finally 7 years later he went to speak again, he said "I Quit".
The priest looked at him and said,"It's about time you finally quit, you have done nothing but complain since you have been here".”

“One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."”

“Grandma's letter; She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own
car.

She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our
local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper
sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just
came from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light
had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love
Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the lov e of God!
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started
waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only
his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian
good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii ,
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious
experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and
sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned
out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma”

“A little old Lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Maam, the Crisco
is in aisle 3."

The old Lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
I'm calling my Husband. He's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your Husband's name is Crisco?"

The old Lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when
we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"


"Lard ass”