Cute Jokes......

“I liked that, hyway.”

“Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.”

“Tilt - Shame, no credit given to Garrison!”

“That chicken coop joke was sent in to A Prairie Home Companion by Beth G. of Beaverton, OR.   Thanks Beth!

      phlbbbt!


( I know where you got that Nanci Griffith photo, too..... )

”

“I guess all that phone sex has caught up with me, The doc says ive got hearing aids! Doh!”

“As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."”

“Okay not to screw up a joke...but if she is trying to step up (i.e. loosen her skirt) would it not be logical she would UNZIP it from the bottom so as to allow more movement for her legs.....(since unzipping it from her waist would be somewhat counter produtive although most skirts I know do zip from the top)

NOW if she did have a skirt that zipped from the bottom would not she have been zipping the fly UP?...meaning not unzipping it.....”

“Yeah, what's up with that joke?”

“
      "Hey, hey don't take those, man."
      "Wha?"
      "I almost gave you the wrong #&%!$, man."
      "Hey, man, I already took 'em, man."
      "Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo....."
      "Hey, whaddaya mean 'ho ho ho ho ho'?"
      "Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!"
      "Hey, what was that #&%!$, man?"
      "You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my LIFE!"


last edited: 2/05/08 3:04:01 PM”

“not that I have ever worn a skirt or anything, but if you zip it down maybe it can scoot up some. But whatever, here is a funny commercial with a girl in a skirt ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GntvJl1fYpA&feature=related”

“I just made this up ...

What did the doctor say to the ham?”

“You're cured!”

“Sigh............go sit in the corner.”

“You must've glazed over the punchline.”

“*snort*”

“My eyes are pretty much glazing over right now, lol. Your jokes are bacon me crazy.”

“Sorry man, didn't mean to boar you.”

“Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves
standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that
before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was
about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks,
have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus'
being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is
a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After
Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas
and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He
died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and
Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of
basketball."

St. Peter fainted!”

“Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, her role in life is complete.

She married a nice, genuine man, gave him four healthy children and raised them to be the strong, independent young adults they are today.

She also said that she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and that this last sacrifice is just a symbol of the many sacrifices she has made for her family and friends throughout her life.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.”

“Aging Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.”

“*growl*”

“getting old sucks...lol...hahahahahahahaaaaa”

“Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every yearMorris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

“Hay - I got a sergry leg at the hopstittel to!

I wunder if she was the one that was sayin "O THE PAAANE!" in the nother room.”

“LMAO....hahahahahahaaaaaaaa

I needed a few laughs today!!!!”

“Rudolph The Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"”

“American In Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"”

“These three tourists are in Mexico one afternoon taking a tour of the town. Tourist A notices his watch has stopped so he walks over to this guy snoozing behind a donkey.

"Senior, Que hora es?" He asks...

The mexican looks up, reaches up to the gips of this burro standing there and cups them in his hand as if weighing them and says, "Senior eet ees tree thirty."

The guy is in shock so he goes to his friends tells them of this. In disbelief they come back to the guy and again ask what time it is. This time the guy does the same thing...and says,"EET Es Tree tirty fife.

In shock they ask, "How can you tell the time by weighing a burro's gnips.?"

The mexican replies, "EET Es seemple eef I move his ball out of the way I can see the clock tower across the square."”

“What do you call a fish with no eyes???





FSH”

“Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots
(Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
Maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That ' s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you ' re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget”

“Lol! I needed a laugh this morning.”

“haha, i love the midget one!”

“Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is


It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin

People to git cancer ?'


'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.


'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer


makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers


an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'


'Sure is, Bubba.'


'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was


gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'


'Yep.'


'And that football player sued that university when he


Gradiated and still couldn't read?'


'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'


'Well, I was thinkin . ..


What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all


them ugly women I slept with?”

“A test for dementia

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!”

“A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'”

“copied from Whiteblaze in reference to a joking suggestion about caving in a kilt:

That reminds me about the story about this field mouse, this little shrew, and these two moles that were working together to dig their way into this storage barn where the sugar can was being stored. The moles were taking turns in front, because they were the most powerful diggers, the shrew was next because he had a good sense of smell and could help kick back some dirt to the field mouse, The field mouse was getting kind of restless from having to shuttle all the dirt back out to the entrance, so he asked the little shrew, "We must be getting close, how much further, do you smell the sugar can yet?" "Danged if I know", said the little shrew rather perturbed, "alls I can smell is molasses!"
last edited: 3/31/08 7:42:26 AM”

“Beware vending machines


A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a
haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, with a sign
that read, 'Haircuts, $15.00.' he inserted $15.00, and stuck his head
into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed
his reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds
later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service
Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped
his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit..... Which now had a button sewn on the end.”

“ive never been married. my mom has always sewn my buttons on”

“Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?”

“Answers to 2,

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Because the airplane would then be too heavy to fly

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Because they have not had all the lanoline chemically removed from their wool.

But to add to the questions?

Why park your car in the driveway
and drive your car on the parkway?

If mice is the plural of mouse
why is not hice the plural of house?”

““ive never been married. my mom has always sewn my buttons on”
crash bang

Considering the nature of the joke, what are you saying CB? And how long have you hated your father?”

“Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Blanche,
our hunting dog, at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought
was 'where is your sign lady' but decided to go with it.... So..on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting the Purina weight loss Diet again. I said I probably
shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told
her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story to say the least.

Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I had
stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to
have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart asked
me not to shop there anymore.”

“LOLYou kill me!!”

“Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality??

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will jump on the person who made you sad like a
spider monkey.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever you are choking on.

3. When you smile - I will know that you are plotting something that I must
get myself involved in.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use small words so that you understand.

7. When you are sick - stay far away from me until you are well again. I
don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh as long as you are not truly
hurting. You can count on that.”

“I thought this was cute....

http://overview.mail.yahoo.com/featured_video”

“I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
>
>
>
> Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
>
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
> the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose.
> (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
>
> Eating a Little Debbi e sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
>
>
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
>
>
>
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
>
> I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UP S or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ...
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's se cond husband's cousin's beautician...
>
> Have a wonderful day....
>
> Oh, by the way.....
>
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.”

“oops......”

“has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


what the hell else am i supposed to do with my hand? wait. dont answer that”