Cute Jokes......

“You can put your hand on Stovey's mouse.”

“Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 17th 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.”

“Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor

the hamper is ON the floor, so theyre really the same damn thing, as far as im concerned

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials

i coulda used the lessons from that class today”

“Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

LMAO”

“OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go a long.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!”

“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

“A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night'?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the
day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is
so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out
today.'”

“Talking Dog for Sale


A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.




The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.





'Yep,' the Beagle replies.





After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'





The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'





In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.





I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'





The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.





'Ten dollars,' the guy says.




'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'





'Because he's such a bull#&%!$ter... He never did any of that #&%!$. He was in the Navy.”

“lol...hahahahaahaaaaa”

“In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid a** against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant”

“Came out this morning and saw someone had done this to my neighbor's van:

”

“LOL!

That looks like something I'd do!

That's a lot of stretch wrap!”

“We used to do that, however never to a tree. That would make it way to easy to remove.”

“Freaking tree-huggers.”

“Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.



A penny saved is a government oversight.


The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .


He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.”

“The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.”

“Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!..
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m. a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. #&%!$.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."”

“LMAO!!! Too funny!”

“> > "And Then The Fight Started........"
> >
> > When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
> > take her someplace expensive....
> > so, I took her to a gas station.....
> >
> > And then the fight started....
> >
> >
> > ************************************************************************
> >
> > After retiring, I went to the Social Security
> > office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
> > counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
> > age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
> > wallet at home.
> >
> > I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> > have to go home and come back later.
> >
> > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> >
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
> > hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
> > proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
> > Security application.
> >
> > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
> > experience at the Social Security office.
> >
> > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
> > You might have gotten disability, too'
> >
> > And then the fight started.....
> >
> >
> > ***********************************************************************
> >
> > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
> > school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
> > swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
> >
> > My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
> >
> > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
> > girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
> > we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
> > hasn't been sober since.'
> >
> > 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would
> > think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
> >
> > And then the fight started.....
> >
> >
> > ***********************************************************************
> >
> > I rear-ended a car this morning.
> >
> > So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the
> > other driver got out of his car.
> >
> > You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed
> > and little things just seem funny?
> >
> > Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a
> > DWARF!!!
> >
> > He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
> > shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
> >
> > So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
> > which one are you?'
> >
> > And then the fight started.....”

“CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.”

“I was having trouble with my computer. So [sic] I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like mission control to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So what was wrong?'

He replied , 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned, 'Haven't you heard of the ID ten T error before?'

'No.' I replied.

'Write it down and you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 10 T.

I used to like the little $hit.”

“
A busload of little old ladies are touring the Desert Southwest and they stop at a trading post. There on the porch in a rocking chair by the door is an Indian Chief. Each time one of the little old ladies goes by, he holds up his hand and says, “Chance!”

One of the women sees this two or three times and gets curious.

“Why do you say ‘Chance!’? I thought you were supposed to say ‘How!’”

The Chief replied, “Oh, me know how. Just want chance!”

”

“Racist. Why am I not surprised? Native Americans aren't usually on Liberals' list of protected groups.”

“I like Divinity's jokes.”

“George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.
"How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Republicans."
Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, " Watch this, Karl? It's really cute." They approach the little girl.
Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
She replies, "Democrats."
Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."”

“Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Barak Obama. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, " Watch this, Bama? It's really cute." They approach the little girl.

Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Not so good."

Then, with a concerned look on his face, he nudges Obama with his elbow and asks the little girl, "That's too bad. Can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"

She replies, "They're dead."
Aghast, Bush says, "My gosh! What happened??"

The little girl replied - "They were waiting for their welfare checks to pay for their food, but cats don't get welfare, .... yet."
last edited: 8/20/08 8:48:08 AM”

“Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.



The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.


Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"


The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story ! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding
date!"


The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he
grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
dinner?'"”

“Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
> > walking along they
> > come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach
> > it and are
> > amazed by the size of it.
> >
> > The first hunter says " Wow, that's some
> > hole, I can't even see the
> > bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
> >
> > The second hunter says" I don't know,
> > let's throw something down
> > and listen and see how long it takes to hit
> > bottom."
> >
> > The first hunter says " There's this old
> > transmission here, give me
> > a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
> >
> > So they pick it up and carry it over, and count
> > one, and two and
> > three, and throw it in the hole. Th ey are standing
> > there listening
> > and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling
> > in the brush
> > behind them. As they turn around they see a goat
> > come crashing
> > through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no
> > hesitation, and
> > jump in head first.
> >
> > While they are standing there looking at each
> > other, looking in the
> > hole, and trying to figure out what that was all
> > about, an old
> > farmer walks up. "Say there", says the
> > farmer, "you fellers didn't
> > happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did
> > you?"
> >
> > The first hunter says " Funny you should ask,
> > but we were just
> > standing here a minute ago and a goat came running
> > out of the
> > bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and
> > jumped headfirst into
> > this hole here!"
> >
> > And the old farmer said " Why that's
> > impossible, I had him chained
> > to a transmission!”

“> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was
> > Sir Cumference.
> >
> >
> >
> > He acquired his size from too much pi.
> >
> >
> >
> > 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
> >
> > but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
> >
> >
> >
> > 3. She was only a whisky maker,
> >
> > but he loved her still.
> >
> >
> >
> > 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
> > because
> >
> > it was a weapon of math disruption.
> >
> >
> >
> > 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder
> >
> > and got a little behind in his work.
> >
> >
> >
> > 6. No matter how much you push the envelope,
> >
> > it'll still be stationery.
> >
> >
> >
> > 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
> >
> > and was cited for littering.
> >
> >
> >
> > 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
> > in
> >
> > Linoleum Blownapart.
> >
> >
> >
> > 9. Two silk worms had a race.
> >
> > They ended up in a tie.
> >
> >
> >
> > 10. Time flies like an arrow.
> >
> > Fruit flies like a banana.
> >
> >
> >
> > 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
> >
> > The police are looking into it.
> >
> >
> >
> > 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> >
> >
> >
> > 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
> >
> > One hat said to the other, 'You stay here,
> > I'll go on a head.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
> >
> > Then it hit me.
> >
> >
> >
> > 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
> > 'Keep off the Grass.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
> > hospital.
> >
> > When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
> >
> > a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
> >
> >
> > 18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
> >
> > a small medium at large.
> >
> >
> >
> > 19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
> > now
> >
> > a seasoned veteran.
> >
> >
> >
> > 20. A backward poet writes inverse.
> >
> >
> >
> > 21. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
> >
> > In feudalism it's your count that votes.
> >
> >
> >
> > 22. When cannibals ate a missionary,
> >
> > they got a taste of religion.
> >
> >
> >
> > 23. Don't join dangerous cults:
> >
> > Practice safe sects!”

“these are hilarious...anyone see the show flapjack on cartoon network?...the episode yesterday was all about puns”

“A pirate ship was out sailing the ocean when one enemy ship appeared over the horizon. "Get my red shirt!," the Captain yelled. The first mate brought the red shirt up and asked, "Why do you need a red shirt?" The Captain answered, "When we fight, I do not want the men to see me bleed and become scared." So they fought and the pirates were victorious. The next day, 2 ships appeared over the horizon and again the Captain yelled for his red shirt. Again the first mate brought it to him and they were victorious. The following day, 10 ships appeared over the horizon and this time the Captain yelled, "Get my brown pants!"”

“Long, long ago a Native American chief was about to die, so he called for Killing Bear and Falling Rocks, the two bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed each warrior to hunt buffalo. Whoever returned with the most buffalo skins would be chief.

About a month later Killing Bear came back with 100 pelts, but sadly Falling Rocks never returned.

Today as you drive through the Smokey Mountains, you can see evidence of the love and devotion the tribe had for this missing brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs - Watch for Falling Rocks.”

“cue mutt with his he-thinks-is-clever ironic accusations of racism”

“A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, was a little annoyed and closed her book slowly and
said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's question,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know #&%!$?”

“An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'”

“Can you solve this puzzle?


You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.”

“A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH WRITES....
>
> I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
> right in front of a pickup
> truck,
> causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
>
> This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out
> his window and gave the woman the finger.
>
> 'Man, that guy is an idiot,'
> I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
> whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
>
> I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
>
> That's 96 miles each day.
>
> Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
>
> Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
>
> There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
>
> That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
>
> Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
> pass at least another 4000 cars.
>
> That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
> day.
>
> Statistically, females drive half of these.
>
> That's 18,000 women drivers!
>
> In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
>
> That's 642.
>
> According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
> or
> unrewarding.
>
> That's 449.
>
> According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
> seriously considered suicide or homicide.
>
> That's 98.
>
> And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
>
> That's 33.
>
> According to the National Rifle Association,
> 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
>
> That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
> has
> a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
> considered
> suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
>
> Give her the finger?
>
>
>
> I don't think so.”

“I love your jokes, but don't merry-go-rounds typically go counter-clockwise? The dropoff should be on the right.”

“..I wondered about that too....maybe the author was drunk too!!!!”