Cute Jokes......

“A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've
been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you
have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and
had to sleep on hardwood floors.'

God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the
cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,
dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'



God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The
cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my
life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best."”

“One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got
a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The
husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"”

“st pete and the bikers

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done
anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out
his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone
now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago”

“Subject: Montana Cowboy

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian
passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings

for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,
newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.



The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside
is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still
no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't
played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."”

“I like both of those!”

“It seems that two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day,
picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man
at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy
replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my
little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.”

“Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,

"How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.”

“Divinity, those are GREAT.



ummmmm, can I buy you a drink?”

“:0

LOL..hahahahah”

“In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.

He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.





Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.”

“When I saw 'Tim Horton'S' I knew there was going to be something on Canada.”

“HOW TO SETTLE A DISPUTE!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird,but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over
here."The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take
everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle
disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the
"Three
Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I
kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and
forth
until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that
he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work
boot
into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the
midriff
sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end
sent
him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his
will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of
his
jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."



The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck”

“Things you are getting old enough to say -------
well maybe !!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of #&%!$.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.

14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. And your crybaby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?

18. Do I look like a people person?

19. This isn't an office it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.

20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

26. Too many clowns, not enough circuses.

27. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

28. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.

29. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

30. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.”

“funny stuff”

“LOL..I like this one.....

12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”

“I like #6

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.”

“I think I live my life by #6.”

“Maybe that's why I was so mean to the ex.”

“I think I'll do the 'Who lit the fuse on your tampon?' in the teachers' room. Most of them already don't talk to me.”

“It looks like some of those were pulled from the DMV handbook.”

“I like numbers 6 and 18”

“21 is good too.

my SO would appreciate this. His fav would be #3 (I think): he's a real estate agent”

“Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly distraught over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.”

“Gremlin...I'm LMAO with the teachers room comment! I start teaching in September in an elementary school where there are 50 staff and only 2 are men! The other guy said to keep my head down and watch the jokes... it will be a blast I am sure..
JC”

“lmao jack!

good luck man!”

“A "DAM VIOLATION"

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the Site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.


Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner, but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet Stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your Department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and streams, of the Natural source and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 01/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to act/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers”

“> > > Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them,
> "Before
> > > you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with
which
> to
> > > get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get
is by
> > > how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the
first
> > > man, "were you true to your wife?"
> > >
> > > "Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed.
From the
> > > day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other
than my
> > > wife. I loved her very deeply."
> > >
> > > "As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now
give you
> > > these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."
> > >
> > > The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the
second man.
> > > "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"
> > >
> > > "Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must
admit
> that
> > > when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did
love my
> > > wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was
completely
> > > faithful until my dying day."
> > >
> > > St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good
marital
> > > conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac."
> > >
> > > As the man takes the keys from his St. Peter turns to the third
man.
> > > "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?" "St. Peter," says
the
> > > man, "I did everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a
> > > week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than,
wife.
> > > But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had,
because
> > > I really did love my wife very much."
> > >
> > > "Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife
and that
> > > does count for something, so this is what you get." With that he
rolls
> > > out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man. The gates of
heaven
> > > open, and the three men enter.
> > >
> > > Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he
sees that
> > > the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the
> bumper
> > > of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his
bicycle up
> > > next to the man and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could
> > > possibility be wrong? You have a
> > > beautiful Rolls Royce to drive around in?"
> > >
> > > "I know," says the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife
on
> > > roller skates!"”

“A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealingwith delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look?

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't
care.I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.”

“bwaaaaa hahahahahahahahahahaaa”

“O M G..LoL.......hahahahahahahaha....don't look at me..I have NEVER faked one....yet......”

“You normally have orgasms while being attacked by alligators? Im impressed!

:)”

“It was the alligator that was faking (now get off me).”

“lady yells to a blonde on the opposite side of a river..Hey..How do I get to the other side? The blonde yells back..Your already on the other side silly!!!”

“Three Students


Three aspiring psychiatrists from various states were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Georgia, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness, " said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Florida State.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Florida, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Florida student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."”

“I would think the 3rd student would be from Texas.......heee hawwww”

“A construction worker is hanging some sheetrock one day and every once in awhile he would pick a nail out of his pouch look at it closely and then throw it on the ground.He did this several times before the foreman who had been watching for awhile and couldnt contain his curiosity any more,He asked the worker "Hey slim whats with wasting all them nails? they cost money you know?!"Slim says"well them nails I throwed on the ground aint no good on account o they got the head on the wrong end" The foreman cant beleive his ears ,he just kinda laughs and says slim there aint nothing wrong with them nails ,they are for the other side of the wall!”

“its good to see just good clean jokes thanks for sharing.”

“The phone company sends out 3 teams of workers to put up telephone poles all around town. The company wants to finish this contract quickly so they offer a big bonus to the team that puts up the most poles in an 8 hour workday.well 8 hours goes by and the first team returns to the shop and reports to the forman that they put up 2 dozen poles.The foreman was pretty impressed with that but there was still 2 more teams left to report in .The second team shows up and to everybodies surprise they reported even more poles put up 28 in one day! In comes the third team and everybody is excited to hear how many they had done .Well the third team reports proudly "we put up ten poles today" The foreman says "ten poles?" These 2 teams both put up more than twice what you guys did,how can you only have done ten??!! The leader of the third team says"Oh sure they put up more than twice what we put up but they aint finished yet,they done left theirs sticking up out of the ground!”

“LOL..hahahhha”

“MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR NEXT SATURDAY.

AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.

SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.

CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI TERRORIST EFFORT.

ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.

AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT.

THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTITERRORIST ACTIVITY.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.”

“As a red blooded American I will proudly sit in my lawn chair with a six-pack.”

“Let's see that's 4:00 PM Eastern. So it's 5:00 Central... No that's not right, 3:00. Yeah, that's it. Well just to make sure I'm there on time I better start getting the lawn chair out about noon.”

“Hey, Ewker, could you, uh, kinda make an official looking announcement to that effect that I can download and photocopy on professionaltype paper? I'm only ten miles north of the border.

Quebec women are beautiful, but naked is 'way kewler.

(signed)

Your friendly Canuck neighbour”

“Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this when Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China on November 2002. HU´S ON FIRST By James Sherman Shortly after Hu Jintao was elected Leader of China.... (We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What´s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That´s what I want to know.
Condi: That´s what I´m telling you.
George: That´s what I´m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow´s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu
. George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya´ asking me for?
Condi: I´m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I´m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That´s the man´s name.
George: That´s who´s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That´s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don´t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?”

“Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.

One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?



Hold on.....


You're gonna love it...






It's the one with the little sticker that says ...

I - DA - HO”

“<ARGH>




an oldie but a goodie....



Two missionaries are captured by cannibals. That night there's a great celebration. The Chief pulls one of missionaries out of the cage and says, "You have two choices... DEATH or CHE!"

The missionary thinks to himself, "I don't know what the hell 'CHE' is, but it's gotta be better than death!" so he says, "I'll do CHE!"

The chief shouts, "CHE!!!" and all the cannibals start jumping up and down, shouting, "CHE!! CHE!!" Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log, and all 500 warriors #&%!$ him in the ass.

They throw him back in the cage, and grab the second missionary. Again, and the Chief says, "You have two choices... DEATH… or CHE."

The missionary decides he'd rather die and yells, "DEATH!!!"

The chief says, "Ugh… Death… But First... CHE!!!!"”