Cute Jokes......

“Do you know why Harley Davidson motorcycles leak so much oil?


...so they can "mark" their territory.”

“BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - Saddam Hussein scoffed at charges of war crimes and mass killings Thursday, making a defiant first public appearance since being hunted down seven months ago. The deposed dic...

What a bad place for the article to stop......”

“Finally an honest woman! <(:O)
> Philosophy of Housecleaning
>
> 1. I don't do windows because ...
> I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
>
> 2. I don't wax floors because ...
> I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible
> and they may sue me.
>
> 3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
> they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree
> with everything I say.
>
> 4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
> I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves
> spiders.
>
> 5. I don't Spring Clean because ...
> I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
>
> 6. I don't plant a garden because ...
> I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
>
> 7. I don't put things away because ...
> my husband will never be able to find them again.
>
> 8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ....
> I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite
> me over for dinner.
>
> 9. I don't iron because ...
> I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
>
> 10. I don't stress much on anything because ...
> "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a
> wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!”

“A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She replies--"I can't see my ass coming into work today."”

“lol I think Ill write that one down!! My boss is getting tired of me calling in dead!”

“LOL Catskhiker!”

“Q:Why did the cowboy get a Dachshund?

A: 'Cause someone told him to get a long little doggie!

--RD 7/04”

“1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!

(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

(3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

(4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

(5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

(6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

(7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

(8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

(9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

(10) I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

(11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

(12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

(13) God must love stupid people; He made so many.

(14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

(15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

(16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

(17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

(18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

(19) Procrastinate Now!

(20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

(21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

(22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

(23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

(24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

(25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

(26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

(27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for
a pig.

(28) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

(29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.”

“"And let not the sands of time get in your lunch."

"The Deteriorata"
by Christopher Guest
narrated by Norman Rose
sung by Melissa Manchester
Radio Dinner (1972)
National Lampoon
Banana/Blue Thumb Records BTS-38”

“The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some "facts "about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy bed came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.

Hence thesaying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the Inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Now , whoever said that History was boring ! ! !”

“Educational and entertaining...huh..nice!”

“Back in the 60s, there was a transport flying into California with a load of Japanese car parts. They were losing power and to make it to the runway they had to dump some their load.

This guy living near the airport was out in the front yard taking out the garbage when there was a horrendous crash.... His wife came running out of the house to see what had happened and he shouted, "Honey, It's Raining Datsun Cogs!"



it's All Your Fault for reminding me ---”

“Oh, and speaking of burials, I heard a great line in a Twilight Zone rerun...

"You're so crooked that when you die they'll have to screw you into the ground!"”

“LOL.wow........that was great!!!.....I do so love Idioms!!!”

“HEY.... I may be a slow on the uptake once in a while , but I'm no idiom!”

“THE MIND OF STEVEN WRIGHT...

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the

scientist who once said "I woke up one morning and all

of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.”

“This is supposed to be true


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the US from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U S ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.”

“>A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING ON HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
> > > >SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES
> > > >THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE, AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY
> AND
> > > >SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
> > > >
> > > >SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER
> NICKEL
> > > >IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS
> > > >AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
> > > >
> > > >THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY
> > > >GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE
> MORE
> > > >
> > > >CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.
> > > >
> > > >SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT
> > > >CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE
GOING
> > > >TO
> > > >CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."
> > > >
> > > >THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED
A
> > > >MUSICAL INSTRUMENT A DAY IN MY LIFE"
> > > >
> > > >SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT
> > > >DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT
> > > >THINKING,
> > > >SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED
PLAYING
> > > >BEAUTIFUL MUSIC
> > > >
> > > >SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE,
> > > >THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
> > > >
> > > >BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER
CARD
> > > >CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING
TO
> > > >CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."
> > > >
> > > >NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE
> > > >NEVER BROKE WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE", BUT GETTING
DOWN
> > > >OFF
> > > >
> > > >THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF
FROM
> > > >FALLING IN THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND. ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT
BACK
> > > >DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.
> > > >
> > > >SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY
> > > >THIS AGAIN."
> > > >
> > > >SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER
CARD
> > > >CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE
> > > >FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."”

“You may have seen these....


Top 17 Bumper Stickers

>

>

>

>Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

>

>

>

>Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

>

>

>

>The proctologist called

>...they found your head.

>

>

>

>Everyone has a photographic memory

>...some just don't have any film.

>

>

>

>Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

>

>

>

>Your ridiculous little

>opinion has been noted.

>

>

>

>I used to have a handle

>on life...but it broke off.

>

>

>

>WANTED: Meaningful

>overnight relationship.

>

>

>

>Guys...just because you have one,

>doesn't mean you have to be one.

>

>

>

>Some people just don't know how to drive...

>I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

>

>

>

>Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

>

>

>

>Don't like my driving?

>Then quit watching me.

>

>

>

>If you can read this...I can

>slam on my brakes and sue you.

>

>

>

>Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

>



>

>

>Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

>

>

>

>Hang up and drive!!

>

> And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

>

>

>

>Welcome to America

>...now speak English”

“What are you doing, cleaning off your hard drive? Never mind keep them coming. I'm having a good time reading.”

“LOL....naaa...My roomy sends me stuff and I wanna share...some of it good....some not so good...”

“I like Steven Wright's stuff.

Ever see him do the impression of a bowling ball?

can't share hear, gotta use sound.”

“I heard this song today and had to share...LOL....
Roam
As performed originally by The B52s
A # 3 Top 40 hit from 1990
Boy Mercury shootin' through every degree,
Ooo girl dancin' down those dirty and dusty trails,
Take it hip to hip rocket through the wilderness,
Around the world the trip begins with a kiss

Roam if you want to,
Roam around the world,
Roam if you want to,
Without wings, without wheels,
Roam if you want to,
Roam around the world,
Roam if you want to,
Without anything but the love we feel.

Skip the air-strip for the sunset,
Ride the arrow for the target--one
Take it hip to hip rocket through the wilderness,
Around the world the trip begins with a kiss

Roam if you want to,
Roam around the world,
Roam if you want to,
Without wings, without wheels,
Roam if you want to,
Roam around the world,
Roam if you want to,
Without anything but the love we feel.

Fly the great big sky,
See the great big sea,
Kick through continents,
Bustin' boundaries.

Take it hip to hip rocket through the wilderness,
Around the world the trip begins with a kiss
Roam if you want to, roam around the world,
Roam if you want to, without wings, without wheels,
Roam if you want to, roam around the world,
Roam if you want to, without anything but the love we feel.

Take it hip to hip,
Rocket through the wilderness.
Take it hip to hip”

“Hey, that's about ME!

I like it!”

“Whoa!!



Jeez, Div... If you'd done those Steven Wright things one at a time, you'd bet set to do the Quote For The Day for a solid Month! <G>”

“ok I must be very stoned on cough meds, cause this made me laugh right out loud.


Two men camping

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."”

“There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.
Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."”

“ooooooooooooooooooooooo”

“incoming -------

LOL”

“that one is probably going to make soem of you hate me......”

“not me!”

“Thanks Roam ....=) Too bad you are so far away.”

“Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal
optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance,he would always reply, "It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible,
that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day,one of them said, "Frank,did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered
friend, "could it have been worse?"


"Well, if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead!"”

“That one was funny, divinity.”

“>Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
>
>The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.
>
>They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
>
>The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
>
>They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
>
>The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

( Ok...y'all know I love Alabama....don't mean to offend anyone!!!)”

“"Thanks Roam ....=) Too bad you are so far away."
AKHiker76
04:02:13 PM
07/09/04


ahhh, just give me time, I'll prolly live near you soon enough.”

“If he found his wife with another woman, or dog. Yikes. Would that qualify as being worse?”

“LOL! Those are good ones!”

“One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."”

“A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"”

“garsh”

“LOL...hahhha..LOVED #13.......”

“Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other”

“a west virgina man took his daughter to the pediatrician. the doctor asked the man "is your daughter sexually active?"
"no" the man replied,"she just lays there like her mother"”

“ooohhhhhh, thats bad Crash!

funny, but bad!”

“OMG Crash....LOL>.that was soo bad.......Howdy crash...hope you are well!!!!”

“A 75 year old man suffered a massive stroke and was recuperating in the ICU. The doctor was attempting to advise the wife of his grave prognosis. "Your husband's heart is beating, but unfortunately he has no brain activity."

"Damn!" replied the wife. "I don't know if the family can tolerate this! We've never had a liberal in the family before!"”

“Bill Clinton's new book is out.
>
> ~900 pages for $21.00 = $0.02/page.
>
>
> But I located a better buy
>
>
>
> 800 sheets for $2.09 = $0.003/sheet.
>”

“Make a note of it.....

July 27 is National Barbie-in-a-Blender Day!”