Cute Jokes......

“ahhh the emotional blackmail of our parents always brings a tear to my eye ; )”

“Good joke, NS. Entirely too true, but good joke.”

“

---

"'We had so much rain during the spring and summer seasons, there were puddles on our lake,' Nersesian said to win the Burlington Liars Club's annual contest."
Man's tall tale about rain makes him world's best liar”

“Nice, NS! Did you see the google ads at the bottom of the page? Too funny!”

“Very funny, NS!!! :)”

“I got three ads for Polygraphs and testing.”

“A panda walks into a bar&grill and orders a cheeseburger. He finishes his lunch, takes out a machine pistol, kills the bartender and walks out.

A guy on the sidewalk witnesses this and says "What the hell was that about??"

The panda whips out his Guidebook of Asian Megafauna and reads aloud: "The Panda is a large black & white mammal that eats, shoots and leaves."”

“~groan~”

“Sorrrrrryy.... LOL

I've been listening to Public Radio again...”

“A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you
jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got
up and just jumped out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said
to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´

I said, `No, sir. I´m too scared.´

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his #&%!$ out. I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He
said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m sticking this little baby
up your ass.´"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first.”

“Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN”

“bitter?”

“Thank you Ewker, for reminding me about the joys of being single.”

“This is why women live longer than men.”

“Someone just sent me these:

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle:"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,
"Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told
that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you
were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place."
--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're
right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased”

“INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.



4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.


AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become”

“A quick game of Marbles anyone ??”

“Air rifle marksmanship here. What'd I win?”

“LOL

Quick, who plays with Bucky balls?”

“Mrs. Bucky?”

“The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something
about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last
time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!”

“LOL.

In my earlier, more raucous days I was once known to have screamed at someone who had a 'Jesus is my co-pilot' bumper sticker, 'Let your co-pilot do the driving, A-hole.'

I was sometimes rude back then.”

“I've shared those sentiments, Gremlin.”

“There must be a lot of Hawaiians that live in my area.”

“and now for a real story ..

On my first visit to the US, me, my girlfriend (now wife of many years) and her sister took trip out to california.

Someone cut in and I screamed "did you get your F'kking licence in raffle" at the driver. Sister in the front passenger seat slid down the seat so I asked what she was doing.
"They shoot people for that in California" was her reply

LOL.”

“I love people from Michiagan. I love the way they drive. As long as they are driving in Michigan that is.”

“I know, Manuka. Some years ago we hosted a Brit rugby club. This being the country and knowing that post-match p!$$-ups can get a little rowdy, we decided to reserve at a low-brow (as in no-brow) gin joint known to host bikers.

During the games the Master of the Revels would distribute punishments. As I was leaving the Men's I noticed a young Brit walking in to the Women's. I whispered in the ear of the Master that you CAN get killed for that if you run into the wrong person.”

“WTf are you talking about???”

“Manuka will understand.”

“You speaking Canadian or ferrin'?”

“Why am I picturing Limpy looking just like Larry the Cable Guy?

Get 'er done!”

“Yep gremlin, I did something similar.

Out with people from work to a trucker, pizza and beer joint for lunch.

Me and another guy were first to arrive.
Waitress (well endowed) asks what we want.
I say "lets start with a couple of jugs"

Several patrons get to their feet and offer to help throw us out.
Other guy from work talking real fast "he is not from here" to me "talk lots quickly" to the bar crowd "listen to the accent"

Found out that beer is served in pitchers in the US and jugs are something else entirely.

And Americans claim they speak English LOL.”

“I read about this aussie guy that was studying in a Canadian school. While they were waiting in line to pay for lunch, he borrowed some money from a female classmate. As she was heading towards a table, he was still paying and he said in a loud voice, "I'll knock you up later." Obviously, everyone stared at them. :o)

Apparently, "Knock you up later" means "Pay you later" in Aussie slang.”

“No Stanlee "Knock you up later" is an English expression for knocking on their door to wake them up in the morning.

Americans do find it amusing when an English girl asks them to knock her up in the morning.”

“Also amusing is the difference in the meaning of the word "fanny" in the U.S. and Britain...”

“I must admit I was surprised when a girl in the US introduced herself as "Randy"

means "horny" in English,


.. but she wasn't.”

“Or "root" in Ozzie....”

“The Kiwi is a funny bird
It eats roots shoots and leaves.”

“Randy? Did she have a brother named Bugger?”

“I heard Bugger likes a fag now and then...”

“The unipolitical bumper sticker

RUN! HILLARY! RUN!

Dems put it on the rear bumper
Repubs put it on the front bumper
last edited: 1/18/05 1:46:05 PM”

“LOL.”

“Thanks Manuka for explaining "Knock You Up".

And don't flash the "Victory" sign with the back of your hand facing the person, in Oz. It means "Root" also. I'm not too sure about the "back or you hand" part though.

Bitpusher, what does "Fanny" mean in England?”

“fanny : Noun. 1. The female genitals. Its use may cause confusion in the U.S. where it means buttocks.
2. A female viewed as a sexual object.

ref : http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/”

“I heard them there Brits actually like havin' sexual relations with birds.”

“Q: What's the difference between humor and odor?

A: Humor is a shift of wit.

---

by Sam Huhta of Kettle River, Minnesota”

“What is the difference between the Radio City Rockettes, and Barnum and Baileys circus?

The circus has a cunning array of stunts ..”

“Don't know if this one's been posted before:

>A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory
>and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
>
>The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
>The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
>rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
>and the whole line is backing up,putting the entire plant behind schedule.
>
>
>The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the
>two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
>so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really
>beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee.
>She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch
>
>in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
>marbles
>and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
>
>The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>
>After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
>approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a
>straight face, "but I think you misunderstood me yesterday.
>
>Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."”

“The River
>> Three men were hiking through a forest when they came
>> upon a large,
>> raging violent river. Needing to get on the other
>> side, the first man
>> prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross
>> the river."
>>Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
>> able to swim
>> across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
>>twice.
>>
>> After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God,
>> please give me
>> strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God
>> gave him a
>> rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
>> able to row across
>> in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
>> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the
>> third man prayed,
>> "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the
>> intelligence to
>> cross this river."
>> Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
>> hiked one
>> hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
>>”

“Naw the woman would've only made it because the two men nearly drowned saving her.”