Cute Jokes......

“AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
>
>1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup of
>boiling water down your throat, and presto! The blockage will be
almost
>instantly removed.
>2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
>someone else to hold them while you chop away
>3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by
simply
>using the sink.
>4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a
>few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a
>timer.
>5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from
>rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
>6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will
>be
>afraid to cough.
>7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget
>about the toothache.”

“LOL! Thanks Div!”

“Menopause Jewelry
>
>My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
>other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
>
>We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green When I'm
>in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
>
>Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.”

“Jennifer's Psychic

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"”

“Cute!”

“A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again.

"Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied.

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"”

“Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," said the mother. "I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."”

“A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.
This is being considered a major breakthrough and will solve a perennial problem--women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.”

“Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of
whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other. "All these unhappy children and our child is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."”

“Q: Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?









A: Cause if it had four it would be a sedan.”

“blocked... damnit what do they want from me, work?”

“If a coroner had a pager, would it be called the Grim Beeper?”

“YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. yes. yes again. yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Oh, and another yes...”

“hahhaha brillant!”

“THE LONELY BRAIN CELL


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............



"We're down here.."”

“LMAO!”

“That only happens when there are two pretty ladies like y'all around.”

“Suck up.”

“The Top Ten Things Men Know *FOR SURE* About Women




1.



2.



3.



4.



5.



6.



7.



8.



9.



10. They have boobs.”

“I Aced that one.”

“A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a
deal with you.

You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for the offer
and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study,
where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades
up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating
a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since
you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson
had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair & Jesus
had long hair.

His Father replied: Did you notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

“HAha.

Hell my son just wants to pierce his eyebrow...”

“A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said”

“LOL”

“During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -

"Robert, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, 'll be right back."

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still
not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us
your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment,
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after supper."”

“Did ya hear about the flasher that was going to retire from flashing people? Yeah, he changed his mind and stuck it out another year.”

“Nigal...greatest response to a flasher was my sister in law. She and my brother were in a Major City in Texas...walking down the street, when this old guy in a coat walks by (it is JULY) they hear, 'HEY LADY KNOW WHAT THIS IS?"
They turn and he is exposing himself. Sis takes a look and says,"Looks like a peni$, Only smaller."
LOL

The guy started crying and walked off.”

“POSITION :
> Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
>
> JOB DESCRIPTION :
>
> Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
> often
> chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and
> organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which
will
> include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some
> overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on
> rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel
> expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
>
>
> RESPONSIBILITIES :
>
> The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily,
> until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also,
> must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from
> zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams
from
> the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to
face
> stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
> mysteriously
> sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
> calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must
> have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of
all
> ages
> and mental outlooks Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an
> embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of
> a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must
> always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume
final,
> complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
> Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
> throughout the facility.
>
> POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
>
> None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
> complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those
> in your charge can ultimately surpass you
>
> PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
>
> None required unfortunately.
> On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
>
> WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
>
> Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon
> payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college
> will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them
> whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is
> that
> you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
>
> BENEFITS :
>
> While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement,
> no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies
> limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses
for
> life if you play your cards right.
>”

“Sounds like a better deal than I have.....Where do you sign up?”

“On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking Beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbour lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Molson Canadian, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbour and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."”

“The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man Elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday”

“now THATS cute”

“I think that could also be applied to certain Michigan relatives I have.”

“INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor
is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the
corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.”

“LOL Yup,its from kissin all that but on the way up!”

“A little boy goes to his father and asks " Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:



You got Male!”

“If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)”

“> A middle aged woman.........
>
> A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was
> taken to the hospital.
> While on the operating table, she had a near
> death experience. Seeing
> God, she asked, "Is my time up"?
>
> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2
> months and 8 days to
> live."
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
> hospital and have a
> face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob
> job, liposuction, and a
> tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was
> released from the
> hospital.
> While crossing the street on her way home, she
> was hit and killed by an
> ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I
> thought you said I had
> another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
> the path of the
> ambulance?"
>
> God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even
> recognize you!"”

“How do you make a 80 year old woman say FCK..
have another 80 year old women say BINGO”

“Why do grocery store check-out clerks have such a hard time deciding between paper or plastic?

Becase baggers can't be choosers.

This joke was submitted by Rex M., of Lees Summit, Missouri. Thanks Rex!”

“I like that one, ns.”

“~groan~”

“My daughter and I were having a joke contest at dinner tonight and I gave her the win after she told this one :):

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"


The manager opens his dictionary and reads:


Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

“Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

A: Outlaws are wanted”

“Not sayin' nuthin.


;P”