Animal humor

“A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador.

As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!!" SHE CRIED. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20.00, but, what with the Lab Report and Cat Scan....It's $150.00..................”

“A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle
down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got
married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says,

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff.”

“Q-Where do amphibians go for vacation??


A-To a Newtest colony


Q-Whats the diference between a dog and a lawyer?

A-The lawyer wears a suit-the dog just pants.”

“LOL.......GREAT ones!!!”

“Finally, a decent chatter thread! Thanks, Nav.”

“Q - Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?


A - Professional courtesy.”

“Glad I could help, Phil.”

“Q: What does a bear consider tents to be?

A: Saran wrap.”

“LMAO.”

“How can you make a cat sound like a dog?




Squirt it with lighter fluid, wait a few seconds, then throw a match.


The cat goes: "Wooooof"



OK, sorry. How can you make a dog, sound like a cat?



Put it in the freezer. When it is frozen hard run it through the ban saw.


It goes: "Meeooooooooow"”

“The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."”

“LOL @ chili”

“Just the punchline.....

Well, I got a #&%!$ for a duck and a duck for a #&%!$ and a buck for a #&%!$ed-up duck.”

“good one chili!”

“What was it, a Dodge Ram?

When it gives birth will a little VW Beetle come out with one huge horn on the roof?”

“That's one horny rhino...”

“"He was a big boy and obviously aroused,"



ya think he means what it sounds like he means?”

“Rhino's can knock themselves in the chin with there equipment.”

“so I guess the car has an interesting shaped dent.”

“LOL

i have had the not so good pleasure of seeing a teenage walrus strut his stuff.

oh and try to explaine to visiters at the aquarium is lots of fune”

“fune?”

“Gives a new meaning to "junk in the trunk"”

“fun”

“oh”