I got lucky!

“The story you are about to read is fact. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent because the innocent have nothing to do with this story. This is a fools story and fools, as everyone knows, have no rights.

3/6/04, Sat. night. I arrive at Madams Organ at 11:00PM. I wait 5 minutes in line and chit chat with the bouncer as I hand him a twenty. He gives me two tens in change and I'm in. Its wall to wall people. The band just finished a set and I push my way through the crowd to the bar. I arrive just as a stool becomes available in front of the taps, 20 ft. from the stage. I think to myself "this is going to be a great night."

I set my first "trap”: I sit down at a right angle to the bar, facing the stage. I rest my feet on the metal ring around the lower part of the stool, legs spread, with my back to another patron. No man will squeeze up to the bar between my knees for a drink. But a women will, especially a curious women. Sometimes they will even ask if they can. This is like a fly asking the spider if it can rest on the web. I am not implying my skills are as effective as a spider. Unless the spider, either drunk or just a poor designer in general, has built a web with large holes. The kind a bird could fly through without doing any damage.

After a few drinks I'm thinking I need to get up on the "dance floor" and actively "hunt". Just then a woman pushes herself to the bar between my knees. Her name is "Jewel". She's 25 and beautiful. Please note I do not have my goggles on yet. The eyes and brain are still working fine, thank you very much.

She's very happy and charming. She talks to me, she talks to the linebacker on the other side of her. She talks to the bartender, too much. She's too happy. She's dancing with herself. She tells me that she wants to change her first name to "dream" because that's the kind of girl she is.

I pick up a scent. It's getting stronger & I wonder why I didn't smell it before. If I had to give this scent a name & bottle it I would call it:

"Ode de Type A".

"Oh well", I think to myself, "the night is young. Maybe she'll go away if I ignore her"? The brain is still in control.

She's still dancing between my legs when she asks me if I would like a shot. My mouth, acting completely independent of my Brain, says "yes". My Brain is confused at this statement for only a minute. This response came from somewhere else. Obviously there is about to be a power struggle.

Now "shot" size at Madams Organ are relative to how well the bartenders know you. Our Absolute shots came in Rock Glasses. We intertwine our drinking arms (her idea) and she asks what we should drink to. I tell her my bday is Monday so we drink to that. Fortunately (?), the bartenders over hear this. We soon do a shot of Cuervo followed shortly by a shot of Jameson. I love Madams Organ.

Jewel asks for my number and programs it into her phone. She calls me immediately & I answer but can't her here. Soon, we are screaming into our phones at each other and laughing hysterically. Humor is a dangerous weapon. She starts telling me how we are going to be "great friends". I will here this throughout the night.

Was there something my Brain was trying to warn me about?

She turns with her back to me and starts dancing against me. Completely against me. I should point out that although she is a dental assistant now, she did work as a stripper for many years. Apparently it's like riding a bike. I am wearing my Exofficio 100% nylon lightweight BP pants with attached webbed "support". One might as well put up Saran Wrap to stop a bullet.

My Brain has lost the battle.

At this point she asks me to dance with her and starts putting her stuff in my jacket. This includes her cell phone and a set of keys/trinkets on a rope that would make most people who compete in the Heavyweight division of "too much crap attached to my keys" very nervous. I'm worried it’s going to rip through my pocket.

Jewel notices her pack of Newport’s are missing. She starts accusing the Linebacker. He pleads innocent and she becomes more belligerent. I convince her we should go across the street and I'll buy her a pack. Leaving before the Linebacker, who failed miserably with her, gets belligerent with me. I pay my $0.00 tab with a large tip and we are gone. Love Madams Organ.

Outside the store Jewel tells me she's half black. Not sure why but she seems concerned. I tell her "It's OK. I'm half white & half Sicilian. As she talks, she slowly moves closer and closer to me. Soon we are not talking. Our lips are preoccupied with a wrestling match. A bouncer tells us to please get a room or at least step away from the door so patrons can leave the bar we are standing in front of. We decide to go in and continue the wrestling match but with dancing.

My Brain is sleeping.

At 3AM we are ushered out the door. She lives a few blocks away & I offer to walk her home. She says we should take a cab. I inform her that I am cashless but she says not to worry.

My Brain is Comatose.

A cab stops between us and 3 women. They move towards it but we get there first. Jewel shots "This is our cab you fat whores"! One says "excuse me?" "You heard me, you !@#!@ &@##!! Fat whores!" I push her into the cab while gently smiling and apologizing to the ladies.

My Brain is Dead.

She tells the cabbie here address and we're off. The cab turns into Columbia Heights, heart of Latino gangland. And as promised, just up the road.

This was the equivalent of using a defibulator on my Brain.

I think "What if I need to get out on foot tonight?" Then my Brain realizes that’s a silly question. I probably wouldn't make it out alive on foot. My Brain is trying to come back but the alcohol isn't helping much. We are just outside the intelligent street design of Pierre L'Enfant and into the designs of a mental patient. My brain tries to follow all the turns we take but it fails miserably. I have no idea where we are. What follows is the most interesting conversation I ever had:

J: Pay the man
PJ: I told you, I have no cash.
J: Don't disrespect me!
PJ: ??? Do you take cards?
Cabbie: No
PJ: Do you have any cash, jewel?
J: Don't disrespect me!
PJ: ???

I pull out my wallet to show her that I do have cash. One dollar.

I never saw the keys hit me. Smack against the outside corner of my right eye & face. I only new she used her keys from the jingle sound and metallic feel of the impact. I looked up from my wallet and at her. I said "Thanks for the wonderful evening. Nice knowing you. Goodbye."

She got out and the cabbie looked at me, nervously. I started laughing and told him we should find an ATM before he drops me off. He relaxed and we joked about it together. I told him I couldn't wait to get home and call her. "Why"? he asks. "Because she's obviously insane and I have a twisted sense of humor", was my reply.

I called her and ask "what’s your problem?" She was possibly crying, telling me her "mom" stopped by and she's on Heroin again. She then handed the phone to her "mom" and we talked for a minute before she hung up on me. I didn't know who was winning this game but I was having fun. I called her back for a less than polite conversation which ended the same. Time for bed.

Now for the good bit and proof that all my luck isn't bad.

The next day I'm in my bathroom looking at the damage. The outer half of my eyelid has a nice red color from the busted blood vessels. This damage also leads out from the corner of my eye in a nice triangle. Further out, there is a small gouge, the imprint of the working side of a key. I pull on the pants I was wearing last night. It's Sunday, I'm allowed.

For some reason, not quite sure why (I'm still groggy), I reach into my back pocket. I pull out a wad of cash. Twenty dollars. My mugging money. Money I started with and money I always had. Money I always carry when I go out. Money that I somehow completely forgot about.

I could do nothing but grin from ear to ear. I left my apartment thinking: "This is going to be a great day". I couldn't stop smiling for most of the day. I was smiling at people like a man who just got lucky. It was a very appropriate smile.”

“Kinda like when you're looking at the mangled remains of your car and realize you are walking away from the accident, isn't it?”

“Dude, you're weird. That's funny!”

“Great anaology Bit! And I don't think I'm weird I just attract weird. Or maybe I'm attracted to it?”

“I used to be a sucker for chicks like that. Well any chick to be perfectly honest.

Good story.”

“Welcome to the Freakmagnet club! Hey, you should change your name to that!”

“Great trip report. She wanted you bad!”

“Interesting story, to say the least! So, you attract bears and insane women! Man, we gotta bring you up to New York one of these days!”

“Nice idea, Treebeard!

I gotta party with this guy!

When is nashvillehiker coming to D.C.?.......oughta be fun!”

“And he's resilient, too.”

“freakychickbearmagnet, you're probably luckier than you realize.

I bet she was ovulating, too, lol...”

“At this time, I cannot recall ever having a night like that.”

“Name change? perhaps. I've had quite the run of "luck" lately. NYC? You think I should push my luck, Treebeard?

Ovulating and I didn't bring any condoms! Might have got the gift that keeps on giving!”

“Jeez no, you'll have every bloodsucking freaky chick in NYC coming after you.”

“This story just confirms that I am right in my plans to be absolutely a-sexual if ever turned loose on the dating world again. It ain’t worth it.

BTW-

Post the whore’s number here so we can help ya out with the harassment.”

“And hey! Don't forget. It's OK to hit a woman who swings first.”

“They have bloodsuckers? Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I should consider checking it out.

Post her number? Only if I was moving! I believe she is a regular at my bar and probably knows a lot of fun types in her 'hood.”

“"Post her number? Only if I was moving! I believe she is a regular at my bar and probably knows a lot of fun types in her 'hood."

See? You're getting smarter already! LOL!”

“What might have happened if you hadn't disrespected her ...?”

“Yeah, this is a town with few 'limits'. This'll work!”

“omg!! whatta story. i guess i shouldn't tell you that my real name is jewel. jk.

i thought u were married???”

“This story is better than some of the Drinking Bear stories!

Adams Morgan, D.C...........a blade in every pocket.”

“i think i'm going to relocate there.”

“I like the way he set the crotch trap. He's a thinker.

"I rest my feet on the metal ring around the lower part of the stool, legs spread, with my back to another patron. No man will squeeze up to the bar between my knees for a drink. But a women will, especially a curious women."”

“I reckon the chicas there are carryin' too.”

“el markO es un chico”

“"......especially a curious women.""


....or a crazy one!”

“Just don't try that crotch trap in Dupont.”

“bear, you need to find a better class of woman then his.

”

“Gee, why not ynami?”

“before i even scrolled down to see who posted that picture, i knew it was you, maple”

“That chica ain't got no hips!”

“You Americans are such fun. It's so boring up here.”

“OMG Mapes! I've gone out with her!

The thing that stuck out in my mind about his story is the simple fact that women are eqal to us men...until it's time to pay for dinner or the cab fare.”

“grem, when are you coming to NY again?”

“Just imagining the look on your face when you reached under there and came up with a tree trunk in your hand!”

“whoa, no one is feeling my treebeard but me, got it!”

“"Just imagining the look on your face when you reached under there and came up with a tree trunk in your hand!"

She had it all taped back Treebeard. I felt the duct tape and thought she was shaven. It was her 5 O'clock shadow scratching my face while making out that made me wonder.

At least it's good I have confirmation...or is it?”

“Niiiiiice story bro! Can you forward me her phone number?”

“Ann Coulter out on the town!”

“Ok, Nigal. I have been silenced! lol”

“I almost thought I was reading a Gentle Ben story for a minute.”

“Yeah I'm married scortch. What's your point???? jk.

Nice picture mapes, what do you look like without all the makeup?

Once again - no phone numbers!”

“You should go back in disguise and try to pick her up again.

This time, insist on going to a hotel. Pay in cash, and talk her into a shower. While she's in the shower, steal all her clothes and leave.”

“LMAO! But I'm weak Bit! If I got that far I would need to continue. Maybe I could be evil after we had some fun? I'll just make sure she drinks more than I.”

“Be sure and take her keys, too.

Oh, and make sure it's one of those hotels that either isn't enclosed, or has the rooms off a large atrium, preferably with a bar or restaurant in it.”

“Beartrap: if we ever go drinking together, do me a favor and face the friggin bar!”

“LOL.......you men are funny creatures!!!!!

I set my first "trap”: I sit down at a right angle to the bar, facing the stage. I rest my feet on the metal ring around the lower part of the stool, legs spread, with my back to another patron. No man will squeeze up to the bar between my knees for a drink.”

“A bar in the hotel would be nice. less traveling time.

Don't worry Phaed - I don't swing that way!”

“No men will squeeze up to the bar?

You are in the wrong kinda bar, then.”