I called the Billy Graham Hotline

“I'm saved! Praise God!”

“Is that a 900 number?”

“WE'LL DUST OFF BILLY GRAHAM

Now that Jimmy Bakker's baked
And Jerry Falwell's fallen
We'll dust off Billy Graham and
We'll trot him out again.
Yes, it ill behooves a sinner
To be fingering a sinner
We're returning to our winner,
Billy G.

Billy Graham ain't no slacker
He's that famous Graham Cracker
Bringin' holiness to all of us
By teachin' us of Sin.
Yes he gives damnation free
--Sells salvation for a fee;
He's the Holy Fruit
The serpent gave to Eve.

Now that Jimmy Bakker's baked
And Jerry Falwell's fallen
We'll dust off Billy Graham and
We'll trot him out again.
Yes, it ill behooves a sinner
To be fingering a sinner
We're returning to our winner,
Billy G.

Said the Lord to Eve and Adam
"Do what you will in Eden,
Just don't you try to judge
What's right and wrong
Just avoid that mental weevil
The topic of Good And Evil--
That's the apple that'll get you in the end.

Now that Jimmy Bakker's baked
And Jerry Falwell's fallen
We'll dust off Billy Graham and
We'll trot him out again.
Yes, it ill behooves a sinner
To be fingering a sinner
We're returning to our winner,
Billy G.



I have NO idea who wrote this.... LMAO”

“Hmmmm, I think its a 666 number.”

“Eat that pork
Eat that ham
Laugh till you choke
On Billy Graham...”

“"666," HA!!”

“I really did call, but I'm not saved.

They said they couldn't save me.

Whatta ripoff.”

“Thank God for secular humanism.”

“He says "you're welcome, now quit touching yourself".”

“They couldn't save you, Phaed? Somehow, I would consider myself lucky if those people told me that!”

“Why couldn't they save you?

Billy Graham is a hell-of-a-good cheese.”

“I love his crackers.”

“I told the nice lady tat I speak to God directly and she said "no, you don't. It's a demon".”

“I haven't quit touching myself, but I've gotten pretty good at shaving my palms.”

“Yeah, when Phaedrus speaks to God its a demon and when Pat Robertson speaks to God, its the real deal?

Phaedrus, did you try the 888 # or the 666 #?”

“well, it was 888, but I thought it should be 777, so I asked if they were trying to put themselves above God. That got the whole thing off to a bad start.”

“They were just humoring you, Phasedrus.

They could tell you weren't a half-crocked old woman willing to blow their children's inheritance.”

“Don't let the demons talk you into writing them a big check, Phaed!”

“Yeah, send cash fool!”

“The conversation ended with the nice lady getting pretty ugly.

She never cursed at me, but she did say "Aynone who thinks Billy Graham is in this just for the money is an idiot!"

I seem to have lost the calming effect I used to have on people.”

“Wow, she implied that you are an idiot!

That's not a terribly Christian attitude.

Maybe Graham really is a charlatan........quack, quack!”

“As far as TV evangelists go I think Gramm is heads and shoulders about the rest. I have never even seen him asking for money. Only your time and attention.”

“Yet, Graham has tons of money and he keeps stickin' his big fat nose into OUR Whitehouse.

Every president since Eisenhower has had to make nice with him.
Otherwise Graham could sway a good size voting block......blackmail?

He wields too much influence for an un-elected "offical".”

“An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. Running as fast as he could up the path, he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

Every time he looked, the bear was closer.

He tripped, fell to the ground, and rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, and replied: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The brilliant light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."”

“A protestant preacher, a priest and a rabbi were talking over their weekly breakfast they have together about who�s job was tougher as far as getting converts. They all said theirs was the toughest but that they could convert anyone anytime. They came to a bet. Each one would go out to the woods and find a bear to convert and they would meet up the next week.

The next week the priest shows up and he�s got his arm in a sling. He said, �I went out and found a bear and sat down with him and explained that there was no salvation outside the Church and as he cuffed me a good one I quickly sprinkled him and baptized him.�

The protestant preacher shows up and he�s got his legs in casts. He said, �I found that old bear and opened up the word of G-d and let the Holy Spirit convict that heathen bear. We began to wrestle and he dragged me into a creek where I submerged him and converted him into the kingdom of G-d!�.

The rabbi shows up in a wheelchair and a full body cast. The preacher said, �Well, it looks like you struck out rabbi!�. The rabbi said, �Oh no, I did it alright but have ya ever tried circumcising a bear?�.”

“In the News This Week....

The Billy Graham Library is dedicated in Charlotte, North Carolina: 40,000 square feet and one book.”

“Damn big book. Name? Author?”

“Opinions vary on the source.

Very Large print.... readable from orbit?”

“Like, way up there in heaven?”

“Why do you hate Jesus so?”

“You infer a lot, eb13.”

“That was not a blanket statement nimblefoot.”

“I don't care about it one way or the other.

The all-or-nothing types can infer whatever they like.”

“"all-or-nothing types", whatever do you mean?”

“jesus loves you. everyone else thinks youre an arsehole”

“how can you say what "everyone" thinks of me? you infer alot.”

“Well, I didn't say I hated Jesus, but your question did elicit a little response. I pictured Jesus sitting in a field of beautiful flowers, holding one in his hand, plucking off the petals one at a time, while saying "Nimblefoot loves me, he loves me not..." Jesus would think that was funny...”

“I didn't say you hated Jesus either. If you don't then it wasn't pointed at you.
last edited: 6/03/07 9:14:49 PM”

““Why do you hate Jesus so?”
eb13
6:57:21 PM
6/03/07

“I didn't say you hated Jesus either. If you don't then it wasn't pointed at you.”
eb13
10:11:43 PM
6/03/07


Does Jesus hate a liar?”

“Traffic sucked around that part of town on Thursday.”

“When you get a few X-Presidents together the traffic is bound to be fierce. Hmmm -- I suppose Billy met his fundraising quota seeing as how he's still extant, VBG”

“Vodka, Bourbon & Gin ???

P.T.L., my friend!!!!
(Pass The Liquor)”

“Does Jesus hate a liar?” No, he hates the act of lying. It s written that God hates sin, it is also written that God loves all mankind therefore it can be said that God loves the sinner (we all sin) but hates the sin.
I was addressing Phaedrus,Shawn, Tilt, MarkO, and the others that mocked God and Billy Graham. Phaedrus called with the intent of getting a rise out of the lady on the phone and pushed until she snapped at him. I find it amusing that people do this and then cry "hypocrite" when someone reacts. Professing Christians aren't perfect, they are forgiven for being imperfect because they ask God for that forgiveness.
I regretfully agree that there are many "tele-evanelists" that embarass me for profaning Christanity. I do, however, believe that the vast majority start with a "call from God" and with a pure heart. To put all Christians in that basket is not only unfair (not that any of you care) but is also narrow minded and, yes, ignorant.
I was simply trying to open a dialoge about why some people have such animosity towards Christ,Chrisitans and the church. If I offended any of you I apologize, but I would still like to know why the persecution?”

“Hey shove it, eb.

I have mocked charlatans like televangelists but I have not mocked anybody's god.

Billy Boy is not god.

"......animosity towards Christ,Chrisitans and the church."

Now you're putting words in people's mouths.
That is very un-christian of you.
Shame on ya!

Some of today's "christians" have altered the meaning of the word "persecution" to make victims of themselves.

Remember thou art dust................”

“eb13, just ignore the Christian Haters. These bigots get off by sneering at 'Christians'. The fools think it's cool.”

“No need for you to get mad and start with the insults, this dosn't have to be a hostil exchange does it? I said God AND billy Graham, Billy is not a god. Why would you say all televangelists are charlatans, and you mock my God by not giving Him the reverance of capitalizing when you refer to Him, no matter what or who you view as God you should do that. What would you call it then, animosity by definition includes antagonism, ill will, bitterness and resentment. I have not put a single word in anyones mouth so if you feel I did then explain, I simply made an observation from what has been posted here. You were correct in saying "Some of today's "christians" have altered the meaning of the word "persecution" to make victims of themselves" but that dose not apply, I am not a "victim" and don't think being persecuted makes you a victim. Persecute: subject to hostility or ill treatment, esp. on the grounds political of religious belief.
I am dust, I am only passing through.”

“I like a good debate.”

“I ain't angry, dude.

You however seem to be "persecuted".....ha ha ha !!!

But I do have to call you on putting words in my mouth.

I get a laugh out of watching those televangelist frauds no and then.


"These bigots get off by sneering at 'Christians'."

Wrong again, StovePipe.......just the phonies.
LOL!!”

“bigot
One entry found for bigot.

Main Entry: big·ot
Pronunciation: 'bi-g&t
Function: noun
Etymology: French, hypocrite, bigot
: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance
- big·ot·ed /-g&-t&d/ adjective
- big·ot·ed·ly adverb”