Crime and Punditry

“Some old, some new, some borrowed, none blue.


Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells
bowled.


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down and wait your turn. You'll just have to be a little
patient."


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet
of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had
to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two
lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he carefully
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products and, since they already made
the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for
the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their
watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took
out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief,
instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the
leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to
see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


(aHem)”

“1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?", one asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a woman who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.”

“A man walked into a tea house in the Australian outback town of Mercy.

"What will you have?" the waitress asked.

"What kind of tea would you recommend?" the man asked.

"Our specialty is Koala Tea," the waitress responded, so the man ordered a cup of Koala Tea.

When he got it, he noticed the tea leaves floating in the tea, so he called the waitress over to complain.

The waitress took a look, put her hands on her hips, and exclaimed, "Sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."


The chief of a tribe of people living on a South Pacific Island was a wonderfully fair and considerate ruler, so each year his subjects brought him a brand new throne. Each year, he would install the new throne in the bottom floor of his hut and move the old one into the attic. Eventually, he got one throne too many and the hut collapsed from the weight. Which proves that people who live in grass huts shouldn't stow thrones.”

“MMMMoooooaaaaaannnnn

Love em.”

“Silly Rabbi!!!”

“wabbit....”