A Bit Of Polititcal Humor To Break The M onotony

“AUGUST 30

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER, read by Mel Gibson while being flogged
with a spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little too much.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.

* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and
Friends of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed in Vietnam if It Hadn't Been for Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent Headaches and Highly Placed, Overly Protective Parents.
(Sponsored by Tyson Chicken)

* ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY: THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS!"
(Sponsored by Wal-Mart)

* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening bid
$1,000,000 (cash, non-sequential bills--20s or less).

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - BRING IT ON! Stirring, fictionalized re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972, when he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning"of gums without anesthetic.
(Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Crankster"
LIMBAUGH! (Location TBD)
(Sponsored by Pfizer)


AUGUST 31

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER, read by Our Lord (The Passion of) Jesus H. Christ, as channeled by Lt. Gen. William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat presentation on Islam, "My God Can Beat Up Your God."

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.

* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky long rifle out of Charlton Heston's cold fingers
(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)

* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly a
Hispanic Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this -- may need professional actor, possibly brought in from Third-World country).

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American
plans to invade Iran, strip it of nuclear weapons and turn over entire country to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants," take one week and be funded entirely by pocket change found in a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy"
LIMBAUGH! (Do a couple of "ringers" with Big Pharma.)
(Sponsored by Robitussin)


SEPTEMBER 1

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REV. JERRY FALWELL, who will
demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism (TM) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible, fiery death and an eternity in the pit of Hell for all nonwhite, nonmale, non-Christian, nonheterosexual non-Republicans.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED.

* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration's tax cuts.
(Sponsored by Gulfstream)

* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special TWO-MINUTE HATE, aimed at a photo of John Kerry.

* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORP. WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION RETURNS: BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results.)
Diebold board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement and be named the new ambassador to Jamaica.
(Sponsored by Diebold)

* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker"
LIMBAUGH.
(Sponsored by Eli Lilly)


SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)

6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial TORCH OF FREEDOM (TM) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.

* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.

* CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will
introduce and personally renominate RESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who
will impale OSAMA BIN LADEN with DAVY CROCKETT'S Kentucky long
rifle, donated by Wayne LaPierre.
(Sponsored by NRA)

* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on
Osama's dead body.

FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech: "Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Evil-doers Trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay the course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers Trust my gut9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11Democracy Freedom Stay the Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay the course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers Trust my
gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gutTax cuts
Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to
me.G'night, everybody!

POST-CEREMONY CLOSING-NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:

* GET MAXED with RUSH "Rocket Cap" LIMBAUGH!
(Sponsored by GlaxoSmithKline)

* RICK SANTORUM "DOG-ON-DOG" PETTING ZOO (adults only, please).

* BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

* SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A
KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES.
(Sponsored by KRAFT Thick 'n Spicy BBQ Sauce)”

“go backpacking.
this isn't "thepoliticalforum.com/politicalrant" you know.

thank god for filters”

“Go play with your 'action figures'.”

“Tilt, Life is precious when your not communist. I suggest you get one.”

“Get a communist?

I hear you can raise them in a small cage as long as you keep them supplied with vodka.”

“Put Tilt back in his cage.”

“Figures that Little Pud would bring up communism...what a laugh.

Tilt ...that was great,thanks.

Get a sense of humor folks”

“Lost In The Fifties...

Ronnie Milsap”

“JO, what are you doing out of your cage?”

“Get some new material buddy....you've already worn that one out.”

“Somehow I get the feeling JO doesn't love me anymore.”

“I was having a discussion with my boss, who is a major wing-nut, about Reaganomics.

He said he heard Larry Kudlow (who was with the OMB under Reagan) say that the deficit at the start of Reagan’s term was 2.5% of the GDP and was also 2.5% of GDP at the end of Reagan’s term. That sounded a little funny to me so I looked at the OMB website and showed him that it actually went from 2.6% to 3.1% - not exactly an Earth shattering mistake but for some reason Kudlow failed to mention that it peaked at 6% and that over his term the federal debt went from 32.5% of GDP to 51.9% of GDP over that same time period.

“Yeah but, tax revenues to the government doubled over his term.” I then showed him how, in inflation adjusted dollars, they only went up 20.4% which put him at a tie for third place from the bottom among post war Presidents.

He then told me how Reagan had whipped inflation. “No he didn’t” I said, “that was Paul Volker”. He then told me how Reagan had gone to Volker and told him to ratchet up rates to kill inflation. I then showed him how that was a policy that Volker began in 1979, long before Reagan was elected. I said Reagan didn’t get in Volker’s way, but it was a policy started earlier under pressure from Wall Street.

He then redirected the conversation by declaring that Miller had been a disaster as Fed Chairman before finishing up in typical wing nut debating style – “You’re a retard – Reagan was a great president!” – points that I hadn’t even argued.

Sounds like most of the ‘conversations’ here.”

“Is he buried yet? Can we discuss his legacy now without being called ghouls?”

“Not quite yet, Ghoul-Boy.”

“Okay.”

“John McCain having to tell John Kerry, "No" is the funniest political joke I have heard in a while.”

“Yeah, only a retard would want to be John Kerry's running mate.”

“Kerry is a retard for asking.”

“hey JO, we named our dog PUD- isn't there a million names for it? Thanks TILT- when I was watching the special on Reagan last night- i noticed a huge difference in the speaking styles of our Presidents. Reagan wasn't smirking- for one.”

“The Brits have some interesting slang.”

“Thanks, Tilt. Classic.”

“stikmon is such an ineffectual pu$$y. if it weren't for filters, he'd have an emotional breakdown every time he came to this forum. god, i'd hate to be that weak.”

“Hey! This is thebackpakcer.com, not the ineffectual pu$$y network!”

“Now, if the Ineffectual Pu$$ies had a National Party Convention....”

“Isn't that in Boston this year?”

“Isn't that cute. The little Nazi geek made a funny.

You were great in the Blues Brothers, BTW.”

“Actually I was the nun in that movie.”

“You should change your handle to 'ThePenguin' then.


There'd probably be some confusion with Burgess Meredith or Danny DeVito, tho'.....

Then there's Opus on Bloom County and Tom Tomorrow's "This Modern World"... You gotta get some o them shades.

And Tux, the LINUX penguin --”

“A short story for the little people that will never live the good life...
A Day in Life of an Evil Conservative
By Alex

I woke up as usual around 10:30 and noted with deep satisfaction that the prols were already working for no less than 3 hours, sweating around the steel mills and automobile plants, making the CEO rich. I had a light Atkins-friendly breakfast consisting of a pound of Beluga caviar and poached eggs of American Bald Eagle. I yelled a little at the servants for failing to procure freshly chopped dolphin liver, but it was too early to get really loud.

I then went for the unnecessary drive in my Cadillac SUV dragging behind me a trailer with a huge boat, which I did not need, but it looked impressive. I drove for about 200 miles in the second gear, just wasting gas. When I pulled up to the gas station, I spilled at least a pint of gas on the ground. They say it buggers up the ozone layer. I like that! You didn’t pay for it, so don’t tell me what to do with it! To cause further damage to the atmosphere, I had a lunch of beans.

I noticed a blind beggar with the hat and some coins. I swiped the money and send it as a donation to Halliburton. I’m sure they’ll employ this capital better than the useless beggar.

While chopping down the ugly 400 year old oak tree, I noticed a stray cat. I tortured it a little, to offer myself a pleasant diversion.

It was a fulfilling and useful day.”

“Go play with your 'action figures'."
Tilt
11:49:42 AM
06/11/04

Now that was funny, lol.”

“remember when GI Joe was a foot tall?”

“I wish I knew how to post a pic from email...

Picture a KFC sign in New York that offers a Hillary Special two fat thighs, a small breast and a left wing.”

“wow, its like magic LOL.

Though I should poke fun at our next president.

That should read "shouldnt".
last edited: 8/31/05 12:50:40 PM”

“"Though I should poke fun at our next president.”


True, lets give equal time and goof on the next pres...

”

“HA...condoleeza rice has always been my favorite trail food”

“Trail food or tail food?”

“...and you're overshooting a bit there nigal...black and a woman?...america needs to learn to crawl before it walks”

“Caution: Some swear words appear below...











http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war52.html”

“Yikes, that sounds like a conversation I actually overheard at the grocery store.”

“You idiots don't understand that we need to give up our freedoms in order to protect them from the enemies in other countries who hate our freedoms.”

“When I was growing up, I was taught that the Soviet Union was bad, mmkay. I mean, they wire tapped people all the time. The KGB would arrest people and hold them for long periods of time (sometimes until and after death) without trial. Used torture to get information.
Cuba is bad mmkay. I mean, that Castro guy is a dictator. He rules the country with an iron fist. They make fine cigars, but it is hard for a lawful man to get one in the states because the US Government's poor policies. Those policies have hurt the Cuban people more than help.
What have we become? Should I be ashamed?

NO! Nothing wrong with torture, jail without trial, wiretapping, an executive branch whos interpretation of laws borders on dictatorship.

Our freedoms are being taken away so that we can force those freedoms on others. Many lives are being lost and ruined.
Last night, I watched Tom Brokaw on MSNBC. He was in Glen Falls NY interviewing 6 men who signed up together. They were in the same unit in Iraq. The one who enjoyed playing guitar has now lost 4 fingers. The one who who excelled in sports is now walking with a cane. The one who grew up wanting to be in the military as a career had multiple fractures to his skull. Although he says he'd like to continue fighting, the army will not let him. Three others are emotionally scarred.
Ohhh, Those 6 men signed up with their high school buddy. He didn't make it home alive.

The cost of this war will continue to be measured long after it is over. Taking care of the injured is already 4 times the estimated cost.

Go ahead sarge, humor me... tell me I am an America Hater again.

oh oh... what is that... my comunications are being monitored? No worries, I live in America! If you don't hear from me again, I'm probably in an undisclosed brig getting a glass rod shoved up and broken in my urethra.

Ahh the joys of living in a free country!”

“Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just 1, but first he'll have to spend $40 million in taxpayer money holding a congressional hearing on it, while complaining how everyone else wastes money. Then he'll have a special investigator spend another $40 million on it.”

“The chit I love is that the same party that wants to tap my phone without a warrant is against gun control. They want to allow any scumbag regardless of his police record or a TERRORIST, to be able to walk into a pawn shop and buy a gun without a background check. Wake up gun nuts! I am a gun nut we have 15 of them in the house right now. The NRA is gonna chit a brick when the Bush boys get around to grabbing our guns along with every other right we enjoy. Instant background checks don't scare me because I know I am going to be checked. The Bush boys wiretapping my phone without a warrant scare the hell out of me. Those of you that support wiretaps should be the first to submit to a big brother bedroom camera. Get hummer from your wife in Louisiana and you go to jail. Sodomy laws are still on the books here.
last edited: 1/24/06 8:59:59 AM”

““The chit I love is that the same party that wants to tap my phone without a warrant is against gun control. They want to allow any scumbag regardless of his police record or a TERRORIST, to be able to walk into a pawn shop and buy a gun without a background check."

Source?”

“Source? Your right Nigal, I must have been mistaken. It was the Democrats that opposed the Brady Bill (Brady was a Republican) and the Republicans who are opposed to wire taps without a warrant. My bad.”

“Buying guns with no background check is not a repulican platform Frenchy.”

“What's more flavorful than a bunch of liberals stewing in their own juices?”

“Nigal, at the time the Brady Bill was being debated I was a Lumbaugh-crack sniffing, Clinton hating Republican. I was a dittohead from my teen years in the 80's until the late 90's. I believed their retoric because, I am a true conservative that hates waste and I love individual rights. I was a young Republican in college and even attended the Morton Blackwell Leadership Institute. I was also ignorant like most Americans, to the dirty deeds that both parties had contrived over the course of our history. I've always been a registered Republican and haven't changed parties because the Democrats haven't show me enough of a difference to be worth the ink on my voters registration card. The problem we are too involved in our own lives to go beyound the 30 second sound bite. Most can't, we are so involved with work, children, sports, etc. that we accept the 30 second news. Even our education system only scratches the surface of history and current events. My quest to satisfy my need to know the real story of how chit actually went down has only begun. It also took me a long time do ditch my religious education and accept the Bible as a book with facts and flaws. This is my ride wherever it takes me. You have yours as well go with it.”