craigslist.org funnies

“I am not sure if any one has heard of craigslist.org outside of NY. But they have a section where people offer items to give away for free. I posted something the other day about free bath water.
Well i have noticed a patern. I think this may be the same person posting there. He is very funny. So I thought I would share it with you all and make you smile.



Free Priest

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Reply to: anon-40538222@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-26, 9:24AM EDT


For some odd reason, there is a 91 year-old priest living in my basement. I found him there last Tuesday when I was searching for my high school year books. He says his name is Father Finnegan and he is Catholic. I've been feeding him three meals a day, but I have to admit to finding this whole situation a little strange. Also, I have not been to mass in about 10 years and he keeps lecturing me about how I need to attend mass daily or I could go to Hell or Purgatory at the least. As he is a man of God, I feel bad asking him to leave. Perhaps if he has a home to go to, his feelings will not be hurt.

If anyone has a basement and is willing to take Father Finnegen in, you can have him for FREE. I can only assume that he prefers to live in basements because he always refuses my offers to sleep in the guest room.

Please contact me if you can provide a good basement home for him

Serious replys only, please!


this is in or around Midtown”

“does he come with papers?”

“Yup. We have that here too. Sarbar is always emailing me funny little bits from there!”

“Buck may be interested in taking the priest off his hands. He's a charitable sort...”

“Recycle my water

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Reply to: anon-39823104@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-19, 9:38AM EDT


I am an environmentally conscious citizen, and it shames me every time I take a bath to watch our precious water tornado through the drain as the tubs emptys. Therefore, I would like to know if anyone out there could use my bath water rather than it goes to waste. Perhaps you have plants that need water? (Dont worry about the soap in the bathwater killing your plants because I dont use soap, noly hot water! (Dont worry, it will be cool when you take it!) ) I would suggest you come over with a van and some sort of tank. I will siphon the water from my tub into your tank. If you cant get a van or a tank, I will help you fill little zip lock bags full of my bathwater and help you get it to the subway. Please write to me soon because my next bath is scheduled for Friday. (I bathe every Friday because Friday nights I like to hit on the ladies at the bars, and they dont like stinky guys!) If you seem appreciative for my batwater, then this can become a weekly thing on Friday afteroons. We can set a schedule that every Friday after my weekly bath that you cmoe over collect the remains (Im sorry but this doe not mean you get to bathe me, only that you get my bath water) If you happen to be a stinky guy loving lady then you should write me too because we will be great for each other! Maybe we can get a Vegas wedding next month. Hope to hear from you.


this is in or around Manhattan”

“Sounds like that was written by General Ripper from Dr. Strangelove. We don't want to contaminate our precious bodily fluids (or our bath water) now, do we?”

“hey mapes. it's good to see you changed your quote.”

“why, what was wrong with the other one?”

“well...

nuthin really but do you know that poem is about suicide?

i'm guessing no. i wouldn't know either but i took a college class on frost. he was way more screwed up then most people realize.

really interesting but sad life.

i hope it doesn't ruin the poem for ya.

[kinda feelin like an ass now for bringing it up]”

“no I did not know,

hmmm makes ya think.


well i like the one i have now.
I heart Peter Gabriel :)~”

“I could use the bathwater, but damned if I'm driving to Staten Island for it.”

“No one wants catholics around obviously!!! He probobly is jsut hoping the owner of the house had some kids of or nephews he could "talk to"

Not to be offensive!!

Rofl my whole family is catholic!!”

“Father Finnegan?

Lucky it ain't Father Pat McCann or Monsignor Dick Feeley.”

“Fr. Pat McGroin

Fr. Phil McCrackin”

“Lol...I love Craigslist..Dicentra, rember the "Casual Encounter" about the guy who had the fetish for cheesy covered cheetio hands? lmao!!
We have bought like all our appliances off of Craigslist and I am selling extra junk on it right now. I love it! (Seattle area)”

“FREE COMPUTER MICE

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Reply to: anon-40651585@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-27, 9:44AM EDT


I have 10 loveley, white computer mice. I have no use for them anymore. All they do is sit around all do and play on the computer. I considered giving them to a laboratory for experiments, but id rather give them to someone who would take care of them. They are proficient at Word and Excel, and are currently learning Outlook. Perhaps your business could use some computer mice? You will have to clean up after them a few times a day as they tend to poop a lot all over the keyboard. It doesnt cost much to feed them though, because they eat almost anything - fruit, cheese, sweet, meats, the secretary's underwear etc. . . Please write to me if interested. They come with a running wheel to (afterall, they need exercise after being on the computer all day) Please do not respond if you have cats.


this is in or around MANHATTAN”

“Free Rat, friendly, easy-going


Reply to: anon-41045502@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-08-31, 11:29AM EDT


Hi there,

I am giving away my pet rat Whiskers. He is a wonderful companion, but I can no longer take care of him. I want someone to make a nice home for Whiskers, preferably outside of Manhattan.

You don't need to feed him, he fends for himself. And he's a great watch-rat.

I am not charging for him. All I ask is that you come pick him up. You'll most likely find him lurking about outside my doorstep, near the garbage cans. You may have better luck at night.

Just drop me an email and i'll tell you where to wait for Whiskers.


-Georg Hegel.

PS: You should be vaccinated.


this is in or around Lower East Side”

“I think I saw Whiskers and some of his friends in Battery Park a few years back.”

“Ask Synchro what he was trying to get me to sell on Craigs List last night...

The cheesy finger thing was funny... The group one you sent me was just creepy. :p”

“Free Bunny Pooh

Reply to: anon-47587732@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-11-02, 11:36AM EST


I have a pet bunny that is quite a choco-pellet producer.

I mean this guy shoots brown BB's like they're going out of style.

I have been collecting these pellets in a shoe box, which is now full.

I was wondering if someone may want to use them as fertilizer or something.

You can even use them in conjunction with a Pea shooter to peg all your

friends in the back of the neck , or perhaps you are a joker and want to

replace the nuts in the dish at the bar counter with my bunny made sugar

babies.

You may even be an art student and want to use these pellets as "Media".

String them up, and now you have very unique mardi gras beads.

Wanna save money on the heating bill, burn them for heat. ( I lit one, they

burn).”

“FREE SINGING PICK ME UP

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Reply to: anon-81315004@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-06-28, 12:01AM EDT


Okay.. I did this about a year ago and had great fun with it. Here's the deal: You email me the scenario (e.g. you just broke up, someone died, feeling sad, broke your toe, whatever). Keep it simple, I'm not looking for your life history. Plus it's hard to find a song that deals with your dog dying, your wife leaving, and you being deported (Okay there ARE but country westerns aren't my specialty). Include YOUR phone number or voice mail in the continental US (or Skype ID - see below), best time to call, and I will pick something out to sing to you (my choice). It'll be sung acapella (i.e. like Karaoke without the music). You can offer suggestions for genre or artist but I will make the final choice since I'm singing within my limits (I think I'm a baritone). So no just-got-punched-by-your-3-year-old-nephew high octave Mariah Carey or ball-dragging-low Barry White song requests. The song choice will be probably be male sung contemporary Top40 stuff (think 106.7 FM). Nothing too obscure. I'm a shower singer with no musical training. Think William Hung rather than Andrea Bocelli. :)

You agree to these rules:
A) Not laugh while I'm singing (that would seriously screw me up, I will hang up, cry for a little while, and cast a plague on your house.)
B) You're giving me YOUR number, not your girlfriend/boyfriends. You can shove them on the phone if they're nearby. Or play the recording to them later on. (I don't want stalkers to have me call their stalkees on their behalf)
C) Under no circumstances give out MY number
D) Limit 1 call per day (my voice will go hoarse after 4-5 calls)
E) No #&%!$ing (I actually had someone whine to me about how he TOLD me to sing to him in person not and not to his voicemail. Dude it's FREE.)



OH.. if you have broadband (high speed internet) I can do it over Skype. If you're not familiar with skype check out www.skype.com Skype is a free Voice over IP program. It doesn't have any spyware. You WILL need speakers or a headphone. A microphone is optional since you don't need to talk to me. Skype will sound MUCH better than the phone and you'll be able to keep your phone number private. Plus I won't be limited to the US. I can sing to you in Iraq or something.
I don't work for Skype or anything. I just think it's THE BOMB!

Why am I doing it? Ummm.. I'm stuck inside this week, finishing a paper, and I have a LOT of time on my hands (I think that's obvious). Plus it puts a smile on someones face (hopefully). Maybe this will bring me some good karma. I got burned with 2 traffic tickets the other day! :( If you can offer me legal representation I'll sing you 2 songs/day ;)

Limited time only! :) I haven't felt the urge to do this in almost a year. I will withdraw this offer at anytime.

This is open to guys and gals..





this is in or around via Phone or Computer

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests”

“You okay, Mapes?”

“yes. i think this is funny
did you read it all?

he will call anyone you want for free.”

“Could this be a TTer????

Check out the following Ad on Craigs List:

****************************************

http://detroit.craigslist.org/bar/111146295.html”

“eply to: olsenextreme@hotmail.com
Date: 2007-05-17, 2:19PM EDT


LOST BOYFRIEND.
DON'T BOTHER LOOKING FOR HIM. JUST GET ME A DOG.
THANKS




Location: HICKSVILLE ,NY
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests”

““Sounds like that was written by General Ripper from Dr. Strangelove. We don't want to contaminate our precious bodily fluids (or our bath water) now, do we?”

Peace On Earth!

Purity Of Essence!


Am having a marvelous time visualising the computer mice eating the secretary's underwear.

Cool thread, Maple!”

“hahah tilt.”

“first I laughed:

EMERGENCY HELP NEEDED!!

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Reply to: armani.caceres@gmail.com
Date: 2007-06-21, 11:37PM EDT


Dear Friends,
I am a 4th year male medical student. I have completed all of my requirements as a student. I am in jeopardy of not being able to graduate because I owe my school $6500 by June 30th 2007. I have been working part time and studying. I have exhausted all of my resources. I can no longer take out loans. I have asked all of my family and friends. I really want to complete my MD degree so that I can help people. I am praying and asking God for a miracle. I am asking for a $5.00 donation to go towards paying my tuition. Donations can be deposited via e-mail thru my paypal account. My e-mail address is armani.caceres@gmail.com God Bless you and keep you. Thank you for your time and consideration. Have a blessed day



then I was blown away:



Dying alone? Documentary photography project.

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Reply to: comm-357261061@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-21, 4:37PM EDT




Professional documentary photographer doing project on dying alone in America, seeks participants for her project.

Respectful, sensitive and caring - this project is soley about bringing awareness to the tragic conditions in which Americans take their last breaths - so many alone and abandoned.

Do you either know someone terminally ill and alone, or are you in this situation? This might be a good opportunity to have your voice heard.

Talk first, no pressure for actual photographs, but would like to hear your story - go from there.



if you know someone that is dying and alone? WTF?

sick freaking people.....”

““So...am I gonna be rich????


Dear Sir/Madam,

Accept my appology if this mail message does not suit your personal or
business
ethics. With sincerity I write to seek your cooperation and assistance
to make a
life time proper investments in the economy of your country.

I am Andrew Henderson, a UK based attorney. I had a client who was a
German
immigrant & property magnate but now deceased. He died with his wife
and their
only two children inyear 2000 in a New York bound Air France concord
plane
crash. Please visit: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/851636.stm for
more
information regarding the crash.

There are some of his properties putout for sale before his death which
I
monitored and for which payments have been made. The proceeds of the
sales were
deposited into his local account here. As his recognized attorney, his
bank has
issued a notice to provide his next-of-kin.

All my efforts have not been able tolocate his relatives which means I
have not
been able to provide his next-of-kin. The deadline is almost elapsing.
I want
you to work with me & assist in repatriating all the money left behind
by my
client before it gets confiscated or the account declared unserviceable
by his
bank. I am therefore, by this mail seeking your consent to present you
as the
next-of-kin of the deceased so that the outstanding balance ofUS$15.5
Million
dollars, can be paid to your account.

Thereafter, we shall meet and the fund shall be shared amongst us. We
can both
agree on a mutually acceptable percentage to be used in sharing between
us. But
I hereby propose 60/40 percent ratio ( 60%-to me and 40% to you).

I have access to all necessary information that can be used to back up
the
process of this financial claim. All I require is your honesty and
co-operation
to enable us see this deal through. To enable me present you as the
next-of-kin
I will equally need the following details from you:

(1)Name(s) that you intend to use for this transaction
(2)Telephone/fax number
(3)Contact address
(4)Age
(5)Occupation and Nationallity.

With these, I guarantee that it will be executed under a legitimate
arrangement
that will protect us from any breach of the law in wherever you want
the fund
transferred to. As the attorney to the deceased, I assure that this is
a
risk-free business.

A swift acknowledgement of the receipt of this email would be
appreciated.

Regards,

Andrew Henderson.”
divinity
12:58:30 PM
6/19/07”

“mapes the sad fact is that many people know someone who is "dying alone" and won't take the time or make the personal investment to make that not happen. Death and dying is ot something that people are comfortable with in this culture. Further to be honest... I would sooner die alone than have some people I can think of hovering around me telling me everything I am doing wrong, or waiting for the sword to drop so they can begin fighting.”

“Cute Girlfriend Roomate Wanted

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Reply to: hous-490904693@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-27, 10:06AM EST


Im a good looking guy who is looking for a cute girl who needs a nice boyfriend and a place to stay. Im simple not rich work hard and have a great sex drive need a girlfriend ASAP i have a nice place if you need one. we can figure it out im not happy alone and you need a guy and a place”

“What is so funny about my ad?”

“besides the lack of punctuation and capitalization?”

“I mean, what women would want to have sex with a guy who doesn't capitalize?”

“I swear you find everything uder the sun on craigslist.


zac, I can hook you up if your that desperate”

“I'm not interested in any naked cowboys.”

“Too funny mapes! I haven't looked at the personals for my area, but I did find lots of used furniture for my son's apartment at very good prices. You have to be very careful though about weirdos and scammers. They both love craigslist.”

“Naked cowboys, now thats an offer thats hard to pass up.”

“Made a new friend (personals) Went to Bonnaroo (personals) Got a roommate (apt. shares)Got rid of old appliances (free stuff). Works good for me!”

“well if your looking for a new roomy and a sex partner, i can hook you up”

“well if your looking for a new roomy and a sex partner, i can hook you up�
mapleleaf

Does Tree know your moving out?”

“who said I was the one moving out hmmmm?”

“hahah to funny

Reply to: sale-714605491@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-10, 9:53AM EDT


Hi, I am giving away my great great grandfathers sequoia tree. It's in our back yard. There is a picture of my kids in front of it. Please dig it out, fill in the hole and add some pavers so we can have a small patio( Hey, this tree is worth thousands, so the least you can do is spend a couple hundred at home depot and throw some pavers down for me. I would like it done today, preferably at noon. Tree has sentimental value and we want it to go to a good home.
Not good for a small patio. Must have a backyard.
Thanks




Location: Bay Ridge

”

“Boyfriend's Friend FREE!!! (Brooklyn, NY)

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Reply to: sale-720941254@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-06-15, 7:26PM EDT


My boyfriend's friend free, it is a male, will bring to you if possible. Please be far away from Brooklyn, NY, another country would be nice, so I don't have to see it again. Thanks soo much!!!




Location: Brooklyn, NY”

“FREE personal / private information of mine !!! (New York)





I'm a 32 year old single mom living in New York. If you want, you can have me tell you my full name, DOB, address, social security number, work info, car info, license plate number, credit card info, bank account info, height, weight, bra size, shoe size, etc. Why? Because I really like the idea of being exposed to the world. Email me if you want.





Location: New York
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 887909486”

“Paris Hilton Sandwich




I am a waiter in a restaraunt here in Manhattan, and i recently had the pleasure of serving Paris Hilton.

Anyway, She took two bites out of her sandwich and left, and i figured there might be somebody out there who would want it.

Email me for details




it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 904263685”

“Who wants to buy a lousy sammich?”

“the scary part is, that someone WILL buy it!”

“So, it was a crappy sandwich?”

“haha thats what I thought when she only took two bites”