Prepare for the hurricane

“In case you have misplaced your instructions for preparing for a hurricane, here is an updated list.

Subject: Hurricane Preparedness

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a
refresher course:

We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can to turn
on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three
days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will
foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not
to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay
YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used
dental floss.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will
be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to
sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds!
You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska..

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose
of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a
major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam
several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So,
as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who
gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you will need
the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who
went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy
a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to
the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody
to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.”

“amen”

“Hurricane Names 2005

Arlene
Bret
Cindy
Dennis
Emily
Franklin
Gert
Harvey
Irene
Jose
Katrina
Lee
Maria
Nate
Ophelia
Philippe
Rita
Stan
Tammy
Vince
Wilma”

“oh great, I live in wilmington, nc. we have been hit by like 10 hurricanes in the last 15 years. I hope Wilma doesn't come home. (who am I kidding, I love hurricanes, let them all come)”

“You can have 'em!”

“For some reason, Gert sounds like it's going to be a b!tch! I don't know, something about the name!
last edited: 5/16/05 2:40:37 PM”

“I had enough of 'em last year. You can have my share this year Hyway.”

“From this link

Interesting, if your name is Quincy, Urgeth, Xerxes, Yolanda, or Zelda, you don't ever have to worry about a hurricane being named for you.”

“"Gert" was my g-grandma's nickname, lol...”

“It's more Grandmotherly than Lady Bitpusher!”

“Well that's true.

I suppose they could mean this Gert, although it is in a female slot:


”

“leave me outta the 'canes. I've done my evacuation and ride it out routine enough for one lifetime.

We did have a tornado warning the other day though - not in my county, but just next door.”

“Gert Frobe! Goldfinger, one of my favs”

“The King of Vulgaria, too...

Ooops, no, that's Baron Bomburst.
last edited: 5/16/05 2:55:15 PM”

“Hurricane Jose............I like that!!”

“the king of viagra?”