“Today's Story - Memo: From the Cat about the Dog
To: Large Human Resident of My Home
From: Her Royal Highness, Princess Feline

Subject: The Burdens I Must Bear

You are my most senior staff member, and by "senior" I mean, of course, "oldest," because I hold both of your daughters in much higher regard. This position means you have certain responsibilities, responsibilities you are not living up to.

Naturally, I am speaking about the dog, who has recently written a cowardly memo to you in an attempt to spark a revolt in the household. It was your duty to administer swift and preferably capital punishment to the insubordinate animal, and your dismal failure in the matter has led me to craft this letter. This forces me to do something I am utterly loathe to do--acknowledge your existence. I must warn you that as a result, I am putting a copy of this memo in your personnel file.

This whole matter is most unseemly, as the dog lacks standing to register a complaint of any kind. This is an animal who, when excited, attempts to make love to the sofa--an animal who, when allowed outside, rewards us by defecating in our yard!

How often, I ask you, have we been enjoying a lovely evening of our favorite activity--sitting in front of the television in the family room, everyone taking turns stroking and worshiping me--only to have this mutt release a gaseous emission that brings tears to our eyes and screams of anguish from your children? Of course, you yourself are to blame here for the bad example you set with your own flatulent behavior.

In fact, there is such a strong link between your initial discharge and the dog's follow-up volleys that I've come to think of them as "sympathy farts." You'll never catch a cat performing such an indelicacy. In my view the both of you should be banished to the deck--you can watch television and me through the window.

His tendency to bark at the most routine event--such as the ringing of the doorbell (is this supposed to be some sort of warning? We all heard the doorbell, for goodness sake!) is most perturbing, as it interferes with my hobby--bird watching. (I've been observing the birds in the feeder for more than a year now, and have determined that most of them can be classified as "edible.")

The only function at which the animal excels is as a pillow for my mid-late afternoon nap, and sometimes for my early late afternoon nap as well. Yet even at this he often fails, falling into a restless state full of leg- twitching and soft yipping. (I know you think he is dreaming of chasing rabbits, but nothing could be further from the truth. You know what he is dreaming of? Running from cats, and well he should. He knows he's in serious trouble with me, you can tell by the way he slinks around in my presence.)

As a species, canines represent a broken rung on the evolutionary ladder. Have you ever seen two or more of them mingle together? They sniff each other in unmentionable places, then race over to lift their legs on the bushes, proudly strutting around as if they've caught a mouse or something, when all they've done is urinate on target.

Even worse: I think the fool canine actually likes me. It's probably because I am so beautiful; but have you ever thought about what it is like to be licked by that tongue? It's like being wiped down with a drooling carpet.

In short, the dog has done nothing but cause trouble ever since I, its replacement as the most beloved animal in the house, arrived to take the throne. This attempt to violate the chain of command and appeal to you to stage some sort of peasant uprising is just the latest affront. We would be much better served if we replaced him with a pet we would all find more enjoyable and fun.

May I suggest a family of free-range gerbils?

~ The Author is W. Bruce Cameron is an accomplished author and speaker. His book, "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" became a comedy series starring John Ritter. John Gray, Ph.D., author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" says about his new book "'How to Remodel a Man' is a lighthearted, witty, and ultimately moving look at why men will always be different, and why that's not necessarily bad news for women." Bruce has a regular newsletter which you can subscribe to by going to his website at: http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ ~”

“Pretty funny stuff ped, thanks!”

“Hey Tilt, you might want to check that one again.”

“Cat created a red x on a white box with her claw?”

“That's one talented cat.”

“Hey tree, I think I've solved my annoying cat problem at 3AM. I'd tell ya about it, but I'm afraid I'd jinx myself. LOL!”

“Heh heh heh!”

“Darnit, I jinxed myself anyway. 4:30AM, whine, whine, .

#&%!$. Chasing him around the house squirting him with the spray bottle seemed to work well. I had to get up at 5:30AM, which really sucked.”

“A .22 shell will solve most any cat problem, imo.”

“'Officer, can you get my cat down from that tree?'

'No problem, Lady.'

The only funny part of that whole movie.”

“

Guidelines for Cats

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

More here: http://www.jamesshuggins.com/h/hum1/guidelines_for_cats.htm”

“The part about puking is true...although 70% of my house is uncarpeted wood floors my cat almost always manages to throw up on a rug. The one time she couldn't make it to a rug she left a large slimy puddle right across the threshold of the bathroom, where she knew I would step in it during a "night visit" in the dark. I can't leave my bedroom door open anymore because she will poop on the bed whenever she is mad at me, which is most of the time. Cats, $%@#$@!!”

“It you don't want your tent peed on, don't leave it within my spray range...”

“Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

a roommates cat would always lay on my chest for warmth at night. he was an unusually friendly cat”

“cat kisses LOL”