Humor with out a witness

“This is too funny for me not to share. Well, at least I think it is.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch with the television making soft noises in the background. I slept the night through and when awakening I yawned, stretched and...farted. At that precise moment a man on t.v. said "Excuse Me"?

It really feels good to start the day laughing when you're all by yourself. Happy New Year.”

“NF! Moments like that are priceleass. Too bad you can't share them at the time because sometimes timing is an important element of making the situation funny.

Hey, at least you made yourself laugh! That's cool!”

“That's classic! I fell down the stairs at home the other day and I was kind of bummed the wife wasn't there to see it. Would have been a hoot!”

“That is the best way to start the day...laughing! But, doesn't it worry you that that man on t.v. HEARD you? Hey happy New Year!”

“Hearing? No. Smelling? That's another matter.”

“

---

Egg Farts
Farts
OK who farted?
I FARTED
Old Married Farts
Farting Like a Bull
Farts are funny!
A whale of a fart
How is this old fart still alive?
My GPS Is Farting Out On Me
Welcome to Oldfartdom!
ARTEX, FARTEX!!!
Nothing I Can Say...A TOTAL ECLIPSE Of The Fart 2
Tired Old Farts on the AT in October
Tired Old Farts on the AT in May
Farts, Boobs, and Backpacking

I've never seen so many people with so many reasons to be so proud of their farts! Damn, I think I even posted a few.
last edited: 12/31/04 7:39:48 PM”

“No gas shortage on TT.”

“Damn, I think I even posted a few.
last edited: 12/31/04 7:39:48 PM”
nowslimmer


You've done more than post 'em, NS!”

“Courage

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or
I'll kick the #&%!$ out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."”

“A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept, claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.”

“How to treat a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her.
Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her.
Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her.
Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her.
Shop with her. Give her Jewelery. Buy her
Flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters
to her. Go to the ends of the earth and
back for her.


How To Treat a Man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & Beer.
Don't block the TV.”

“A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall room your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $20." Why not, he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end!”

“If somebody tells a joke and nobody hears it, is it funny?”

“A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's' wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."”

“Opening Day

Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage load the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that crap?"”

“wow.
Well, I can honestly say I've never seen that before.”

“WOW....”

“What kinda snake you figure that was?”

“A snake scared of a set of sharp teeth.”

“that must be the bunny from the Holy Grail!”

“The snake wasn't a competitor, that's for sure. Whatever the species, it is a carnivor - all snakes are. Bunnys, however, are herbaciuos, and appearantly voracious.
My gracious!”

“WOW....Earth...you beat me to it....I am so ashamed.”

“Some rabbits are omnivorous/ cannibals. I had one of those. It was freaky.”

“I wonder if that rabbit had something it was trying to protect, like bunnies nearby.”

“--Once upon a time, and far far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dargon Slayer was hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills.”