Basil Fawlty's Revocation of Independenc e

“Very long but definitely worth reading!



NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh'
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager.From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.”

“This takes effect at 3pm EST, ok guys?”

“Oh, man! You gotta love John Cleese. Great post! Thanks!”

“Ok, Y2! lol

Make sure it's on a digital clock or 97.85% of America may not understand!”

“Are we still allowed to drink coffee or has it been replaced with tea?”

“11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself

i would go with coffee”

“Did you hear that, Ped and Winter Solstice?
last edited: 1/21/05 1:31:07 PM”

“Good thing I'm way out here now - it'll take the limeys a while to realize that America extends beyond the big River.”

“Makes perfect sense to me. Luckily the Brits have forgotten all about us up here.

In fact, I have never understood why some Canucks resent being completely overlooked by Britain, the US and France (drives the Québécois crazy). Being overlooked is just fine, looked tends to cause multiple deaths, IM(not so)HO. After all, everyone overlooks Connecticut and they're doing just fine, thank you.

We'll just keep making movies like 'Dogma', 'And Then I Married an Axe Murderer', 'New Waterford Girl' and 'Nightbreed'.

Also, being overlooked means WE get to keep OUR guns. Phthbthththththth!

Who DID kill JFK?”

“Who DID kill JFK?”
Gremlin
3:03:57 PM

I think it was Mutt! :)”

“Is Britain looking to re-estabish its evaporated empire ?

America must resist as if we fall who will be next ?

India
Pakistan
Sri-Lanka
The Levant .. now that would be interesting to see England restablish itself over Israel, Jordan, Palestine.

How about Africa ?? Nigeria, Ghana, Uganda, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Tanzania, Kenya.
A lot of these are worse off than the US, could it be just a grab for wealth on the part of the UK?

As for taking over America, the faded glory of UK barely managed to recapture Ilas Malvinas. Retrospect on THAT war showed it would have been cheaper to give each sheep farmer 1/2 Mil POUNDS and told them to find somewhere else to live. Forget about touting 'honor' (or honour if you insist)because you certainly did not go to war over Hong Kong which was basically the same.


.. and no .. I am not serious, but why do people insist on baiting the civilized?

because the uncivilized would beat the crap out of them.”

“HA! - barely, it was a rout!”

“All I know is that Fawlty Towers was one of the funniest shows in history! My mom got me the boxed set for Christmas one year. Tell ya what, I think I'll do a Basilfest this weekend and laugh my a$$ off for a couple of hours.”

“I laughed my arse off at work reading this. Had to make copies for the troops. Emailed it to family and friends. Thanks Mapes. I don't care what treebeard says about you, ... you're alright!

Ynami, y'all are still smarting from Yorktown or what? Jeez, ... get over it already!

Yeah Grem, I guess you folks got left out. Not even a word about hockey or curling.”

“very funny and very true

this was in fawlty towers?”