Something I Think We Can All Relate To

“Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun\'s pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Pooping Friends Network -- A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelette -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.”

“spirit will be all over this like fly on s^it”

“I remember that from years ago.

Are there people really that afraid to let other people hear them take a crap?

This also reminds me of an incident from my workplace a couple years ago.

Here, in my exalted workspace, there are no bathrooms. We have to leave our area and go out into the lobby to the bathrooms there. However, over in the other building, our space there has a couple of locker rooms, each with a shower, toilet, sink, and some lockers. Apparently, someone was complaining about the smell emanating from the men's bathroom from guys going in there and taking a dump, so they took the toilet seat off, so it would be a pee-only toilet.

What a bunch of panty-waists!”

“Pretty darn funny. I'm laughing out loud once again.”

“Well bit, I do admit to a sometimes unhealthy need for 'home field advantage'.”

“My brother can't take a poo in a toilet unless he's at home. When he has come here to Indiana to visit for an extended period of time, he can only do it outside. He's a Jeremiah Johnson wannabe, so he's more comfortable in the outdoors than in. I always give him crap (so to speak) about that. And I tell him to make sure he walks way far away from my place so the dog doesn't roll in it.”

“"When he has come here to Indiana to visit for an extended period of time, he can only do it outside."

Well that's gotta be great for your roses.”

“in the adirondacks they have outhouses at many campsites

i haven't used one in nearly 10 years, even to pee. i have a phobia of them.i'd rather march off in to the woods 200 yds.

i haven't gone number 2 in any type of public bathroom in about 10 years either.”

“It's so nice to be in a small office where I share a bathroom with one other person. We almost have more potties than people here.”

“I bring my issues of Backpacker and NG Adventure to work specifically for restroom use, I guess I'm an "Out of the Closet Pooper"”

“I prefer pooping in the woods to using the privies at certain shelters in the Smokies. I never use a privy if there's been a good thaw, either. So most of the year is out of the question.”

““in the adirondacks they have outhouses at many campsites

i haven't used one in nearly 10 years, even to pee. i have a phobia of them.i'd rather march off in to the woods 200 yds.

i haven't gone number 2 in any type of public bathroom in about 10 years either.”
sacco
9:22:52 AM
2/01/05
ignore this user

There was a couple of time when I had to go real bad while hike the NPT and the privy was so nasty that I ended up holding it until we made it to the next one a few miles down the trail. A couple of times I had to prop the doors open while I went as the smell almost knocked me out. I think the best thing to find in the woods is a brand new outbuilding that has hardly been used.”

“Ya just have to learn how to hover...”

“I can do it anywhere...even a crowded bar with no stall door”

“Yah I'm like that too IJ. Of course, with my condition I don't get a lot of choice as to when. When it starts knockin', it wants out NOW! lol...”

“This thread does indirectly address a very common problem in commercial America: Poor restroom ventilation. Proper ventilation could prevent certain situations mentioned here.


Another thing...If I catch the #&%!$ing dog that keeps crapping in my yard, I'm going shoot a BB right up it's ass!!”

“don't shoot the dog treebait - shoot the owner.

or better yet:

get a little plastic tub w/ a good sealing lid.
everytime you pick up the crap put it in this tub.
meanwhile, keep trying to find out who the dog is, and more importantly, where he's coming from.
when you do find the address of the owner, ring the door bell, tub o' sheet in hand.

then with a very pleasant smile say," hi. for the last X weeks/months you've been allowing your dog to use my lawn as it's personal toilet, and forcing me to pick up after your dog. here." (hand the tub over with a smile)

then without another word, turn and walk away.”

“I have read that pooping thing a million times and it still makes me laugh!

Privies suck! I hate them. I'd rather just find a secluded place off in the woods, thanks. When I went to Kenya in 1993, I had never really pooped outside before. It was a whole new experience for me... I think I was constipated for several days! I just couldn't do it!”

“Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun\'s pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


Yesterday at work when I stopped to pee I had a freaking jail break. it wouldnt stop...

PHTHH PHHTH PHHTH>>>

OMG There was someone in the bathroom and I heard them leave quickly. LMAO. I was laughing manically the whole time.”

“It was the maniacal laughing, not the jailbreak, that made them leave, SC...”

“"OMG There was someone in the bathroom and I heard them leave quickly. LMAO. I was laughing manically the whole time.”

The female Beavis. LOL!”

“Speaking of funny things in the bathroom at work...

Often in the women's bathroom at my office I see scratch off lottery tickets sticking out of the little female-item depositories that are in each stall. They appear to be unscratched. I can't figure out why anyone would put them in there like that, with half of it sticking out enticingly from under the lid. I refuse to touch them. But it makes me wonder what someone is up to.”

“Smile, you're on Candid Camera, Ruby!”

“OMG, wouldn't that be a funny one? I'd be PO'd if I got a winner and then they told me, "Just kidding!"”

“Ruby that happened to me on my birthday last year.some one gave me a scratch off ticket at work. I scratched it of course and I was a winner in a big way. I was jumping up and down hooting and holering and the person who gave it to me acted all worried and po'd about it. I ran to Mike and gave it to him to see and he turned it over and read the fine print. OMFG the whole place was in on it. I died laughing when mike pointed out it was a fake.”