California to Bush

“California's Secession Letter to Bush

Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes: Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois... and all of the Northeast.

We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Old Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that.

Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck, the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs, so no biggie. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.

Warmest regards, California”

“sure it is Nav...will I need a passport when I come to Calif. this summer?”

“Best beaches? Other than Hawaii they got squat. Ever hear of Florida?

Alabama innovation, yeah those rocket scientist at NASA in Huntsville sure are dumb asses.

Pretty funny, btw Nav.”

“It's lookn' that way ewker.

dayhiker, ever hear about "SURF"? What good's a beach without surf?
And I'm not talkn' 'bout no hurricane surf.


Dang kids!”

“Very true. The Gulf Coast has squat as far waves are concerned. I hear the East Coast is different.

I thought the veggie comment in that was particularly funny.”

“Yes it is true.
There are no waves in Florida.
The waters surronding our state are pond-flat.

All those photos of waves and people surfing?
Photoshop. Yep, all of them.”

“Since the red states only contributed $697 billion to the Federal Treasury and and got back $909 billion in 2003, those welfare queens had better find a new sugar daddy toot sweet!

Our new, more perfect union will have dramatically lower rates of obesity, smoking, alcoholism, divorce and suicide too.”

“I took a quick poll here in this red state and we concluded that you have a pretty good idea there. If there is anything we can do to help make your transition more smooth, please let us know?”

“Don't let the door hit y'all on the a$$ on your way out! ;-)”

“Will the red staters soon be illegally crossing the border from Jesusland to work in California?”

“Or will people from California drive into Jesusland so that they can find a place to live that they can actually afford. The commute would be about the same.”

“Jesusland, hahaha”

“I have no trouble finding a home I can afford in this blue state. Of course being born in a town between Princeton and Rutgers did give me an unfair advantage in securing a decent education.”

“Nawwwwwwwwwwwwww, that was too easy.
last edited: 2/14/05 4:30:16 PM”

“I was once introduced to someone as, "This is The Naviguesser (not my real name), he's a Liberal."
The Introducee growled, "Damn Liberals! I wish they'd get their own country!"
Quickly getting over my shock of such hatred I replied, "We do. It's called California. Do you have luggage?"”

“Nice comeback. Sounds like the guy doing the intro knew about how this fellow would react.”

“He knew he is conservative, but was caught off guard too.




Some peoples kids!”

“I know yall were semi joking about Jesus land, but it was posted here maybe a year ago about someone trying to setup their own conservative country. Predictably, it was going to be somewhere here in the South. Wasn't that tried already with less than great results?”

“LOL!

Would that fit into the category of "Some people just never learn."?”

“I think the group that wanted to do that was actually in Kalifornia. They wanted to head to Sweet Home Alabama. They can't be all bad!”

“the little green men that want to prevent Bullwinkle from making his 'rocket fuel' come down and Rocky thinks they look like 'congressmen' They wear funny clothes and you never see them.

1st episode of 1st year 1960 copyright

what has this to do with anything? nothing- I just bought the dvd :)”

“"and anti-war."

Alright, we'll have you back in no time then, except now in addition to paying more than your fair share you'll have to pay war reparations. Y'all are gonna love Reconstruction Part II.”

“Blue States, Lacking Martial Spirit & Guns, Cancel Plans To Secede From U.S.


Plans drawn up by the Blue States to secede from the United States were scrapped yesterday, as would-be militant separatists realized "it's kinda hard to secede when you don't own any guns."
The "Blue States" – the U.S. coastal areas and a few states in the Upper Midwest that traditionally vote Democratic – are feeling increasingly isolated and some Blue State People openly called to secede from the rest of the "God-fearin', sister-marryin', (and here's the key) gun-totin' Red States.

"When we were making fun of those Red State hicks," said a Blue Stater, "we never realized that, to secede, we'd need some firearms. They have guns and we don't. Onward, atheist soldiers, to Plan B."

According to a recent study, the only Blue State people with "decent amounts" of guns are "a couple thousand deer hunters" spread throughout rural Pennsylvania and "several hundred gang-bangers" in large California cities.

"Thanks to our liberal sensibilities," said an anonymous Blue Stater, "we're not even able to start a second revolution. It's difficult to set off another 'Shot Heard Round The World' when you lack the device that does the shooting."

Military analysts said the only serious attack that could be mounted by the Blue States (besides the hunters and hoodlums) was an advance on Virginia by the 5th Connecticut Watergun Regiment. "But I'm pretty sure the Virginians could defend themselves," said military historian Caleb Carr, "because they've heard of raincoats."”

“LOL

timely...”

“Democrats control...

...both houses of the Alabama state legislature.

...both houses of the Arkansas state legislature.

...the Kentucky state House.

...both houses of the Louisiana state legislature.

...both houses of the Mississippi state legislature.

...the Montana state Senate with a tie for control of the state House.

...both houses of the N. Carolina state legislature.

...the Oklahoma state Senate.

...the Tennessee state House.

...both houses of the W. Virginia state legislature.

During the 2004 election, the Democrats destroyed the Republican edge in numbers of state Senate and Representative seats across the nation. It is now, essentially, a tie across the nation. In fact, one could argue that the Democratic power base on a local level resides in the South now. It's a stronghold in terms of elected officeholders.

Realignment works both ways. As the Republicans focus on wars in foreign lands and the needs of large corporate entities, the Democrats have wide latitude to gain at the local level.

Red State/Blue State is garbage.”

“True RL, but alot of those Dems are very conservative. We're not talking about Howard Dean democrats in the Alabama statehouse, or the Oklahoma state senate.”

“I live in a blue state and I own firearms.
I can hit my target.
So can all the other guys at the range where I go.
So could all my blue state army buddies.”

“Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A: To The Link - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring?
A: a thief.

Q: Why doesn’t Camden have a professional football team?
A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.

Q: Why was Andy Reid upset when the Philadelphia Eagles play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn’t finished coloring it.

Q: What’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we will never find out.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home (and get killed on the road)”

“Hey bazooka joe, you dissn' my homies?

RL, if all those states elected Dems for themselves, how they let us down on the national level?”

“True RL, but alot of those Dems are very conservative. We're not talking about Howard Dean democrats in the Alabama statehouse, or the Oklahoma state senate.”
Bison
7:50:16 PM
2/14/05


Mr Right has spoken, everyone listen up he knows what is going on in your state.”

“If you think of Bison as a Bush cheerleader, he's not too bad.”

“Stovey sounds a little edgy and irritable. Maybe he's constipated. Extra pickles on his monster thick burger.

"Don't let the door hit y'all in the ass on the way out". LOL. Does your trailer have doors still boy?”

“LOL
Personal attack!!!
I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
last edited: 2/15/05 6:18:44 AM”

“Don't let the pickle hit ya in the ass........either.”

“I think there two things going on here. First, the national party nominates bad candidates from bad areas of the country who are doctrinaire on abortion.

Second, I think it is hard to be both a national party and a local party at the same time. Local leaders can't usually run on war records. National leaders aren't impacted as much when local hospitals and schools close.”

“Where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.

Bad parts of the country indeed!”

“In the spirit of former President George HW Bush's 1000 points of light, local worshipers at the Coon Bone Alabama Rock of God in Christ Free Will Hard Core Baptist Church have started a front-door-donation-drive to raise funds for a long time area resident who's name is being withheld out of respect for his dignity.

He is known to have a silly alias that is used when he trolls an internet site trying to pass himself off as an outdoorsy type guy and to try to provoke communist pinko liberal northern types into making personal attacks against him.....so as to promote the long standing tradition of the poor beleaugered good ole boy being picked on by smarty pants liberals.

Back to the story. It seems that last summer when his wife, Miss Minnie, choked on a chicken bone and had to be evacuated by a team of paramedics from the local VFD, they had to remove the front door and the frame to get her out to the awaitng ambulance.

Miss Minnie's weight had balooned to over 500 pounds. It took 10 able-bodied good Christian men to carry her. Miss Minnie had tryed a variety of diets over the years, including the WalMart Diet, a strict regimen of Nachos, Velveeta Cheese and Mtn Dew.

With no front door, the unnamed local resident has been beleaugered by mosquitoes from the nearby swamp. He has been known to wander the town in fevered delirium muttering about liberals and quoting Rush Limbaugh.”

“That from the liberal press?”

“It think JO and Mark need to start a group called the "Southern Hatas R Us"”

“Sure!!

Maybe I'll just get me a backpack made outta carpet too.

And hop a Greyhound.

Hoohoohahahahahahahahahaha”

“Well, it’s always been my hope that California would simply slide off into the ocean but this could work too. LOL!”

“Jealous?”

“Local Washington DC denizen, Jennifer Stuporstein, a Senate page from California was assaulted and left for dead yesterday in an alley on Capitol Hill. Stuporstein came to DC to work as a page for Senator Kennedy. After 2 years of working under Senator Kennedy, Jennifer decided to stay in DC to work in a local pro bono legal defense fund. Her interest was the menacing racist scurge known as DWB or Driving While Black. She took up residency in the famously multi-cultural neighborhood of Adams Morgan and was known to give free counsel to local black men.

Apparently Stuporstein was assaulted when she attempted to buy marijuana from seemingly friendly local resident teenagers who she had previously befriended. She was heard sobbing and muttering "I just don't understand" as she was taken away suffering from a cracked skull and sexual assault.

When reached for comments, her parents Harvey and Raindrop Stuporstein, both longtime activists, blamed the senseless violence on guns and vowed to redouble their efforts to raise funds to defeat the NRA.”

“Hey dayhiker...My a$$ is sittin south of the Mason-Dixon line as I type. Born and raised in the south too. Lighten up and laugh a little son.”

“Very sad story, but if the far left thinks this was about guns then it shows how far out of touch with life they really are.”

“I know you're in the South and the WalMart diet was really funny. I've just seen Mark hatin' on the South so much that I had to say something. Since the comment was actually from you I lumped yall together.”

“Nigal, too funny.”

“"Hatin' on the south..."

Oh stop it, you vicious redneck!

I might just send some of my queer friends to rough you up!”