JOKES

“A couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to
have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened
the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have
frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the
wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen
glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of
the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills
just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie
Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise...OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened
the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's
swearing, dirty words >and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE
HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING
HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR!
THAT #&%!$ IS OVER...GOT IT,
#&%!$?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that
a sweet story?”

“ha ha. I like it, I like it!”

“NEWSFLASH: Camilla Parker Bowles says that she is very happy to be getting married, but says that she has turned down the Queen's offer of a free weekend in Paris with car and driver.”

“SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART I

1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
(Juan-on-Juan)

2. What is a Yankee?
(The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone)

3. Why is divorce so expensive?
(Because it's worth it)

4. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
(One US leader)

5. What do you see when the Pillsbury-Dough-Boy bends over?
(Doughnuts)

6. Why is air a lot like sex?
(Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any)

7. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
(Because Janet Reno is her real father)


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

1. What do you call a smart blonde?
(A golden retriever)

2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
(Their personalities)

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
(45 lbs)

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
(45 minutes)

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(None, they just sit there in the dark and complain)

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(Through his chest with a sharp knife)

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
(They can't stand criticism)

8. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
(After a year, the dog is still excited to see you)

9.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
(The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving)

10. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(Because they have cotton balls)

11. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
(A porcupine has the pricks on the outside)

12. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
("Are you sure it's mine?")

13. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(Mace will do that to you)

14. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(Everyone has the same DNA)

15. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(Breasts don't have eyes)

16. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
(He walks around saying "Yo.")

17. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
(Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it)


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE; PART III

1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
("Row, Row, Row Your Boat")

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
(A different bar)

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
(They named him "Sum Ting Wong")

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
(A speech impediment)

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
(They're hiring)

6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
(A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "A recipe")

7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
(Get another sweet little 80- year-old lady to yell BINGO!)

8. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

(A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this #&%!$...")

9. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
(No one's tall enough to go on the good rides)”

“Excellant! Had to send it to all my buddies”

“There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of
us
have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing
the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist
became
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and
say
things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
Doctor
in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.”

“A young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again! reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."”

“A Pakistani arrives in New York City.
All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr.
American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... " The
person interrupts and says: "I am not American, I'm Mexican."

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Thank
you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence: "I no be
American, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by: "Mr.
American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." But my
friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American."

"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "then, where are the
Americans??"

The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they don't get off work
'til five o'clock!"”

“THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and

begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:"Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN:"Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN:"Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN:"$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer

$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.The other men in the locker room are looking at him

in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"”

“John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell sleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
last edited: 3/19/05 12:03:51 AM”

“A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"”

“A business man returning home a day early from a
business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was
after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he
would be a witness for $100. The cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby
tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the
lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife
in bed with another man. The husband, justifiably
upset, pulled a gun and put it to the naked man's
head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the
lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he
even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly
lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and
said, "What would you do?

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket
before he catches a cold".”

“Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.........

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey #&%!$."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . . . .

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."”

“Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.



And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......”

“ROTFLMAO !! priceless mtnsteve.”

“Good one !”

“For Some, English is not Easy

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A
MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving
Nairobi.
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME"”

“Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors??



















































If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!!!”

“Ha Ha”

“It just struck me funny. Had to share”

“i think we wouldve been better off if it had just struck you”

“G--d D--n you Tango...thats one that is so crappy it gets worse the more you try not to think about it...LOL..thanks needed the laugh....”

“xl, i dont think youre gonna get a free pass from gee oh dee just because you used hyphens”