I Made A Mistake

“First I want to say that what I posted before was not a hoax. I truly felt that I was in a dark place. I have been a stubborn person all my life. I have always known that I was different from most people. It has never been easy for me to make friends, I feel awkward, uneasy, and like I will automatically be excluded, so I often come off as unfriendly which of course leads to my being excluded, which leads to... well you know it's a vicious cycle.

I am an extremely introverted person. Many of you probably have not seen this. Posting on the internet makes it easy to not have to deal with the kind of social awkwardness that comes with being in a group in person. And on trips I have been very fortunate to meet people with whom I automatically felt comfortable interacting with.

My stubborness has often led me to feel that I should be accepted regardless of how hard it is for me to show acceptance to others. And throughout my life this has often caused me to lose the things that have been most important to me, as has happened recently. I am committed to changing this, and hope I will be able to. The seemingly uncaring, interested only in myself person who I appear to be on surface is not who I am deep inside and I want to be able to show who I am to the people I interact with.

I apologize to anyone who was truly concerned about me, and thank those of you who sincerely wished me well. I think the first step in changing is to stick around.

Thank you.”

“Welcome back :D”

“Bison we all have hurdles. Welcome back :) I hope to hike with you someday.”

“Good on you Bison! Glad you hangin around.”

“No problem dude. We all have our days. Thanks for your honesty and for coming back. :)”

“As far as i'm concerned....you never left....but for the record....

Welcome back dude......

Peace out!”

“You have to climb the mountain to see the view. Sometimes those false summits sap the will to 'hike on' out of you, but an occasional rest stop on a comfortable log to slow your heart rate makes the journey so much easier.

Welcome back.

ps, I still say its hard to die when all the birds are singing in the sky.
last edited: 5/04/05 9:22:55 AM”

“Dang Bison, kinda sounds like me, no kidding. You'll be okay, Bison.”

“I am SOOO glad you are back! Don't ever leave again! :)”

“Glad you're back. One thing to keep in mind is that most of us techies have those anxieties to varying degrees and there are lots of techies here. You're in good company.”

“good for you man, don't worry about it, EVERYONE has some really crap days in their life.”

“Hey Bison, guess I missed whatever went down, but welcome back anyway. As for how you feel, I have a lot of the same characteristics. I've always had trouble "fitting in" Its a strange world out there. Hang in there. I hope I get to hike with you sometime. Hey if you ever just need someone to talk to, or want to swap stories about how people suck lol, shoot me an e-mail OK.”

“This calls for a D.C. Drinkathon......(lyra's term)

There will be no hurdling, or hurling........except for lyra.
last edited: 5/04/05 9:27:39 AM”

“"As for how you feel, I have a lot of the same characteristics. I've always had trouble "fitting in" Its a strange world out there."

Even as a little kid of five or six I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I still hate large gatherings.”

“That took more grit than I've seen in a long time. I respect that.”

“That's one of the fastest turn arounds I've ever seen. Glad to have you back.”

“alright Bison!!!! How about you join us on the Old Loggers Path this weekend! The hike is on Saturday so you can be home in time for Mothers Day. We plan to camp Saturday night, but everyone is leaving first thing in the morning. It's about a 4 hour drive from DC.”

“Glad to see you won't be leaving Bison. I hope I get the chance to hike with you some time.”

“ENS, I think that many miles would be a little much for me right now, I'm not in quite that good a shape, but have fun.”

“Good.”

“Bison:

For years, I felt the same way. Everyone else had their tight groups, and I was just on the fringe. I was really blessed in college with some good friends (who I still have, thankfully) that pulled me out of my shell. Like you, I've been fortunate to meet people on the trail that I felt comfortable around. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with being an introvert and I'm glad to see our fears yesterday were misdirected.”

“To second what mtnsteve said, it does take courage to post what you did. That is a bigger mark of who you are than anything I've seen from you Bison.

Social skills came to me late in life, and then not completely. We do tend to beat the crap out of ourselves though, to a degree that people who know us would say is completely unreasonable.”

“there is a 17 mile option too.”

“lol @ ENS”

“Hi Bison, good to see you this morning. And all the rest of you non-trolls as well! =)”

“it would be good to see you anyway. Camp Saturday night is going to be a fun time and the weather is going to be awesome. Pennsy, Crazypace, RichB, Jmitch, PhantomSoul, fritz and myself will all be there.”

“Good post, Bison.

Stick around.”

“Funny... a lot of us backpackers were "on-the-fringes" people. Me, too.

Great to see you back.”

“OK, so we’ve established that most of us are on the fringe. Who’s will to step up and discuss who’s in left field?”

“define "left field."”

“Bison, I hope you now see that you aren't alone. Many people feel like you do. I was that way until I gained self-confidence when I finished college. I was born a big-time introvert (still test that way on personality tests), but over many years I've learned to gain extrovert traits. I hate large gatherings, too. But if I'm in one, I know how to function.

The moral of the story: If you want to change badly enough, you can do it. Period. I'm pullin' for ya.”

“Who's on first.”

““Funny... a lot of us backpackers were "on-the-fringes" people. Me, too.

Great to see you back.”
lizs
10:27:23 AM

We all have to be crazy to backpack all our camping gear up friggin' mountains when a SUV would do for 99% of the other 'campers'. ;-)”

“I am glad to hear that you have decided to change the things that you don't like about yourself, and that you are sticking around.

Making the Decission to change is tough, actualy changing is tougher. Just know that you do have friends that are always willing to help you out when you need that hand. I saw how many friends you have that truely care for you. You have made a great impact on many peoples lives just by being their friend.”

“I have introverted emotional feelings but I mask them with a jackass exterior. I need to work on that.”

“Good to see you are back!

Don't worry a lot of us have days like you described. Sometimes a lot of us have the same feelings. I think without the bad how can you truly appreciate the good?

Hope to meet you one day!”

“Hey Bison, I feel that same fringe feeling often. I've only been on two TT outings one out west and one in Alabama. Both times I had that little am I gonna fit in feeling. I'm gonna make my third TT trip soon and I know there is no need to worry, because I know there are going to be great people there.

See you in the Tetons brother.”

“Welcome back.


But as a point of reference, most folks stay gone at least three days before crawling back.

;-)”

“I hope that trip's still on for me bateauxdriver, I'm working on it, keep your fingers crossed.”

“hey...report to the 'I stopped smoking' thread...and report good or bad...”

“Hey Bison if the trip doesn't happen that will be ok. If it does I look forward to it.”

“That one took some courage Bison. My hat's off to you.
I'm very glad your going to be around.”

“You go boy !!”

““there is a 17 mile option too.”
EarthNsky
10:04:42 AM
5/04/05

Is that the best you can do?”

“Bison, You may enjoy reading some of the sermons of Frederick W. Robertson. Some considered him one of the finest orators from the pulpit in the 19th century.

In the darkest hour through which a human soul can pass, whatever else is doubtful, this at least is certain. If there be no God and no future state, yet even then, it is better to be generous than selfish, better to be chaste than licentious, better to be true than false, better to be brave than to be a coward.

Most everything of his is here.”

“We all have our demons. Thankfully, we all may be able to find enough friends to help us wrestle them to the ground. Sounds like that despite your introverted stubborn introverted ass, you have those kinds of friends here. Open up to them on here like you have and next thing you know, you'll be the life of the party.

You sound like the kind of guy that I would enjoy struggling to get to know.

Good luck and good health.

AJ”

“Bison, I am glad you made the decision to come back. Its weird, but we all kind of need each other on here and it is so good to have so much support from people we only know from the trail. What a great group of TTers!

That took a lot of courage BTW. That was definately the first step to overcoming personal issues in your life.”

“As usual, ditto on what Ruby said:
“Hi Bison, good to see you this morning. And all the rest of you non-trolls as well! =)””

“I reread Bisons first post and a few things come to mind.

1. There is a very detailed personality test I got to take through work. It's called the Berkel test. It's helped me a good bit. For example, it says that while under stress that I "lack empathy" In other words, let me solve the problem and stay the F out of my way. I think that's the same thing you're hinting at. The whole process was very enlightenging.

2. My wife and I dated for 5 1/2 years before getting married. Within about 3 months of dating we knew we'd marry. My soph year of college, she dumped me. My day was probably like yours but without the spectators. A month later I had moved on and found a way out of my shell. She came back and over the next 6 months we worked it out. The breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. If we hadn't gotten back together then I'd say the same thing. I hope you find that person that loves you in spite of you. That's what we all try to do and it's tough. The corollary to that is that you too have to be willing to love someone in spite of theirself as well. I've never met either of you, I hope to one day, but whatever happened is none of my business. I just wanted to pass on some random thoughts based on what I read.

3. I'm a loner too. I have a small group of friends, work in a small office so there's not this big "band of brothers", and don't naturally draw people to me. I think we're seeing that most of the people that posted here are the same way and have found a great deal of acceptance on this board though until now, might not have realized just how alike we all are.”

“Glad your back,keep plugging on,I did and ended up meeting the most wonderful person I ever met”