I'm Hurting

“I think the shrine to OJ in my workshop will prevent that little experiment.”

“tech, yeah she had a fling for a week, she came home told her husband about it then went back to see that guy. What else do you need know.

Again I suspect something else was going on to start with. maybe one of the gf's wasn't a gf.”

“Or Ewk, she is using the new guy (who she clearly could not know very well) as her excuse to leave. That's what I'm thinking. The new guy is a catalyst.”

“My first suspicion was what Ewk suggests. The trip with the gals was designed to be a rendezvous with this guy. Pixie could be right. Or we could all be wrong.”

“online relationship culminating in a meeting at Bike week was my first thought”

“I went to see an attorney today. It was just a consultation. Very smart lady. I told her the whole story. She thinks my wife's fling with this guy will not last. She said it almost never does. She said it's an escape from reality for her.

My wife's affair is not with a local guy. The first time she went down there this year she went with a couple of girlfriends and argued with one of them. I talked to the girlfriend on the phone and she said my wife was only with the guy for four days and she met him down there. He's a part-time bouncer at a bar, divorced and has two kids from the previous marriage. She said the reason they divorced was because his wife cheated on him. (GO FIGURE)

I did get a call from my wife today. I didn't expect to hear from her why she was down there. (I will not call her why she's down there) She wanted to know if we had any bills due before we got paid again so she could spend some money. I had already told her before she left for SC that the bills were taken care of. So I thought this was a bit odd. (We have separate checking accounts) I asked her if she was having a good time and she said she was. I told her the dogs and I were fine and that I hadn't burned her stuff. I told her I missed her and she said she missed me too. (I guess not enough to come home though) I will give her space and see what happens. If divorce is inevitable I want it to be civil.
last edited: 5/27/05 12:52:08 AM”

“My wife spends very little time on the computer so that's ruled out too.”

“UP, a fling on a vacation would appear to be much easier to get over than a long term internet relationship. This could just be a scream for attention from you since its the kind of thing she could have easily kept secret from you. Its the kind of thing that either marks the beginning of the end or the beginning of a new relationship with you. Something that breaks up the status quo and forces the both of you to decide what you want before you can move forward either together or seperately.

Now is the time for YOU to decide which it is you want, before you ask her which it is she wants.”

“that it happened so quick for her leads me to believe that it wont last- when the dust clears she will realize the mistake that she made-it will then be up to you to decide what you want to do--”

“This is just a suggestion, no need to flame ...

Often a pastor or a Christian counselor is a good choice. You don't have to be Christian to see one. I mention this because they deal a lot with marriages, and marriage being a Christian concept, they are very knowledgeable about what makes a marriage work and how to resolve marriage conflict.

Given the situation your wife would never agree to do this, an individual consultation could be effective as well.”

“The attorney suggested I get help from counsiling and I will.”

“The part I think I'm the most nervous about is when she gets back. Will she have made up her mind? Will she ask for a divorce right away or will she be just as confused as before she left? Will she want to repair the damage she has caused?

I know in my heart I want her back but if she's made up her mind to see him again and wants out I will give her the divorce that she wants so I can be free too.

I need and appreciate all the good advice I'm getting here on TT.”

“UP, I think you did a great job. Intending to, or not, you've started following Dr. Harley's principles. And you're following the road map to getting a cheating spouse back. Civil on the phone, telling her you miss her, that's what ya gotta do. Keep up the good work.”

“Protect yourself.






Always.”

“Don't mean to be an alarmist, but I worked with a guy who came home from work one day to find that his wife had moved her stuff (and some of his) out of the house, emptied their joint checking accounts and moved in with another guy. Like Gremlin says, protect yourself.
last edited: 5/27/05 9:09:20 AM”

“Agree with the last 2 posts.
This not the same woman you were married to.

She has broken the marriage trust, so you should close any joint accounts and credit cards.

And change the locks on the house.

If you do own any firearms, store them at a dealers as in some states police must confiscate them if they are called to a domestic dispute.

Maybe the hurricane will miss you, and hope it does, but better get the storm windows on just in case.”

“Which will destroy any chances of reconciliation.”

“Agree - Fail to prepare and you prepare to fail.

protect yourself.”

“Everything will turn out for the best in the long run - which ever way it goes, even though there will be pain and heartache. You will be a better person for surviving this. Just remember to be true to yourself!”

“techntrek, thats true too. But she did ask about money and if bills needed to be paid although he had already told her bills were paid. I would be wary if a wife of mine had just run off to another man then called to ask me how much money was in teh bank.”

“That is suspicious. I'd take enough money out of the bank to cover the bills for the next two weeks, or a month if you've got it, just to protect yourself.

Also, I'd go ahead and cancel any joint credit cards.

If you do decide to reconcile later, you can say that you had no idea what was coming next, and you felt it was prudent to protect yourself.”

“"separate checking account"


I have to second the recommendation that techntrek gave for the book "His Needs, Her Needs".

I think the advice in it has helped strengthen my marriage. Good luck UP.”

“Hmmm, Ok, looking at it that way, I can see taking precautions. Maybe not changing the locks, but cancelling any credit cards that are joint or that she is an authorized user might be a good idea. UP did say they had seperate checking accounts, so that might be safe already? If she has access to his account, then that needs to be secured, too.”

“not really familiar with everyone on here but i am going to give some advice anyway.(sorry it is the social worker in me). if you are serious about trying to make it last protect yourself but also learn to be vulnerable-may sound like complicated advice but if you can find the happy medium a relationship will survive either marriage or friendship. also be true to yourself are you going to be able to accept her back without feeling like you were injured or having constant questions. remember most importantly be FAIR to yourself i think it is understated advice.”

“I've already cancelled any joint credit cards. The guns were moved to my fathers.
I haven't changed the locks or messed with her stuff and I don't intend to.

It's going to be a long weekend. I don't know what to do this weekend. Some friends have asked me to go with them to their trailor on a lake but it's serveral miles from here and I don't have anyone to watch the dogs for me and I can't take them with me. I've thought about working this weekend. I have to work Monday anyway. I figured the 12hr shifts on Saturday and Sunday could keep me busy and then I'd be able to take off the next two weekends.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. It means alot.”

“If you do decide to work this weekend, you might want to think about having your neighbors keep an eye on your place, and to give you a call if she comes by and starts loading stuff up.”

“If you do decide to work this weekend, you might want to think about having your neighbors keep an eye on your place, and to give you a call if she comes by and starts loading stuff up.”
bitpusher
11:04:06 AM
5/27/05

bit so true. I know a woman who did that to her husband. She left his clothes and nothing else, took it all. I know cause I helped her. She and my wife (at that time) were good friends. I really felt bad for the guy. He didn't have a clue it was coming
last edited: 5/27/05 11:09:02 AM”

“the question to think about before you worry about security with the house is does your wife have the means to get all her stuff (you know like someone to help storage) typically people have some signs before this happens i am not seeing the signs from the postings but you will know best. trust yourself”

“ewker i would have to agree and i am one (one of the non evil dying breed though of course)”

“woolcap, you woman all say that until you have your hooks in us”

“Only some Ewker, but some guys are pretty damned evil also.”

“manuka, ssshhhhhh..us guys are good..lol”

“To be honest UP, it sounds like she's taking the issues she has with herself and blaming them on you. She's not able to generate enough excitement in her own life, so she's gone off to find it with someone else.
A fling with a part-time bouncer on vacation doesn't sound like it has too much depth to it, and she still wants to talk to you.

This is all going to fall apart for her and she may well come heading back in a few weeks or months with her tail between her legs.

How you feel will only become clear in the weeks and months ahead. It's too soon to make decisions yet. But it does sound as though you're letting her walk over you a little. Start taking control of some of the situation yourself a little more. Do something positive. Change the locks, make her realize that she will loose you for good. It's a time to be strong and not accept her every demand. It's time to start putting yourself first. I'm not talking about being nasty, but more proactive.”

“Oh, and seeing the lawyer was a good first step.

Ewker ;op
last edited: 5/27/05 11:26:38 AM”

“y2, did you think that was so good you had to post it twice ;)”

“I thought it was pretty darn good. :)”

“If you do decide to take her back, ask her to get an AIDS test first.

Sounds cold, but better than a death sentence, and who knows where the bouncer has been.”

“manuka is right about that. Get the whole battery of tests because there are other nasties that can kill you, too.”

“I dunno if this has changed, but it used to be that multiple tests over the course of a year or so are required to make sure someone is AIDS-free, because of the long latency period.”

“I know one thing, since this isn't just a fling while on vacation since she came home and left again is that she wouldn't be coming back to the house immediately upon her return. She would have to stay at mom's or a friends until some decision was made about the future of the marriage. Then she could move back in and begin to work things out.


A little story about women packing up their belongings...

After my first marriage broke, I worked only a 1/4 mile from our house. Usually I would be out on a jobsite but we had come back to pick up some ductwork for the next job and as I was loading teh back of the truck I saw my wife's car followed closely by her brother's car passing by the shop, both bumpers nearly dragging the ground they were loaded down so much. I jumped in the truck dragging 25' of 6' round flexible duct behind me and caught up with them. I turned them back to teh house and made them take out anything that was mine or joint property. Told her to come back when I am home to sort that stuff out.”

“I jumped in the truck dragging 25' of 6' round flexible duct behind me ...

Man, my heart just jumped. I read that as "duct tape" the first go 'round. That would have been awesome! 25ft of 6ft duct tape! (sorry, duct tape to me is a magical thing)”

“LOL, actually it was 6 INCH duct not 6 FOOT. That would have looked more like the end of teh movie ET”

“Yup, condoms until all tests are clear.

Shame on the bouncer guy to have an affair with a married woman, after the same was done to him. What a pisser.

Hang in there ULTRA. I like your idea of keeping yourself busy to beat the blues. It helps a lot. As does journaling. Just a notebook and pen is all you need to write down whatever you are feeling or thinking. If you are worried about putting your inner most thoughts down where someone might read it, burn the pages in your fireplace. There is something therapeutic about it. : )
I've also heard "writing letters" to the person (in this case your wife) is good too. Even if you never want her to read them. (You can burn those too. ; ) )”

“I'm not worried about my stuff. She won't be back until late Tuesday, May 31. She has to be at work the next day at 7:00 a.m.. Some people around me have said she may not come back. I think she has to much to lose if she didn't come back but anything is possible.”

“A solo hike might be good. Nothing like the woods to help bring things into focus.”

“Yeah, the writing letters thing works pretty well for gathering your thoughts together.”

“I remember the first day she told me about him. These are her words "He's kind of a loser and needs to get some things worked out." (before things could work for her)

When I spoke to the jaded girlfriend the other day she said that he was an electrican for two years, got bored with it and became a bouncer. The girlfriend said my wife only spent two nights in the hotel room and the rest with him. I asked her if she saw them kissing or anything and she said no. She also said that my wife was justifiying her actions on the way back home and when they were on the way down there she stated "What happens in Mrytle Beach stays in Mrytle Beach." The girlfriend also stated she was practically throwing herself at guys when she first got down there and that she had already met his family. The girlfriend said she thinks my wife is wanting me to put my foot down and give her a divorce and this was the only way to go about it.

I know I'm confused. I know I'm hurting. I wish I could of seen this coming.

My wife is controlling but the attorney said I was passive aggressive which is just as bad. One of the reasons I think I didn't see it coming is the fact that I took her for granted. She would always bring up the divorce factor whenever we would fight. I always saw her as crying wolf. Well one day there really was a wolf and I wasn't there for her.”

“"That would have looked more like the end of teh movie ET" -hyway.

LOL.

"...my wife was justifiying her actions on the way back home..." - UP

Unfortunately the way it always is.”

“If it comes to divorce I figure my best revenge is to make peace with it and move on.”