I'm Hurting

“Passive aggressive is a pile of BS if you ask me, it's bandied about all the time, many times by people who don't really understand what it means.

If she wanted a divorce then she should have filed for one. She didn't have to go down there and rub your face in it, asking if there was enough cash for her to carry on #&%!$ing the guy. She's prolly paying for everything from your bank account. Oh, and dating a loser will make her feel better about herself, in the short term at least.

Sure there are reasons why marriages break down, but there's no excuse for running off and #&%!$ing the next guy that comes along. It's time to stop blaming yourself in this UP, time to think about her actions. Sure there is perhaps more you could have done earlier in the marriage, but that doesn't excuse how she's treating you now.

Maybe you're 50% culpable in the breakup of the marriage, but you're not responsible for her actions now.”

“What do I do?”

“change the locks, secure your financial assets, go about your life and let her be the one to decide what she will do. Just go about your life without her for now.

If she comes back but doesn't really want to be tehre, then you will both be miserable.

oh, and take a hike this weekend. Solitude on teh trail will help you think, or at teh least, let you have a really big cry out of view of otehr, judgemental type folks.”

“UP, ultimatums are made for times just like this, IMO.

She has things she wants fixed in the marriage - fine. Tell her you're willing to work with her and a therapist or pastor or whatever. But her affair has to end before you will discuss it with her. In the meantime, I would be preparing for the worst.

Make her make the choice, and let her know that a refusal to respond is choosing to divorce. Don't let her put the blame for this on you.”

“If you do go hiking, take that book with you. It will help you become a better person in all your relationships (friends, kids, parents) no matter what the outcome.

edit: ultimatums do not work with people involved in affairs. Logic goes right out the door. That's why they take so much time trying to justify it - they need to make the logic add up in their own heads when in reality it never can. Take the caring approach.
last edited: 5/27/05 1:12:46 PM”

“You went to town and saw a lawyer, she could have done that just as easily, without trying to hurt you along the way like this. I'mnot say the divorce has to be bitter. But it sounds like she's all over the place in her head.”

“It sounds like she doesn't want to be the one to make the choice and is trying to manipulate UP into making the move.”

“What do you do ??

1. take off the rose tinted glasses, accept reality. If she does this once, she will again. You can either accept a role as a fall back guy whenever she does not have anyone more interesting, or separate and move on. Not much fun but that is where you are.

2. Tell the attorney to move on the divorce.

3. Continue to try and keep this on a purely business basis. 1/2 each for the assets. That means start documenting what you both have. House, Cash including pensions, 401ks, IRA's etc, major investment items. try and balance stuff out so neither of you has to sell stuff, you both lose in a dispute.

Don't be passive OR aggressive, be busy sorting out stuff to make a clean break. If possible stay friends, you do have a lot of shared time together, don't flush the good times.

If you have close friends or family nearby, accept all the help and support they offer.

You have your health, a job, a roof over your head, hobbies, and are living in one of the greatest places to be on Earth. Get out there. Do not be in a rush to find anyone else.”

“She told me she's very confused. That's why I'm giving her this time and space by not calling her. Before she went she left me a note on the dry erase board in the kitchen that said she would miss me, she would always love me and that she was sorry for hurting me and the marriage. She folded my laundry and swept the floor.”

“To be honest UP, it sounds like she needs some therapy to try and sort out her own problems here.”

“And then went off to see her lover.”

“Please continue to give advice and support. I will not be able to respond for awhile because I have to go to work but I will be able to see the posts from work.

I CAN'T THANK EVERYONE ENOUGH.”

“yes, no matter what she has said, they key is what Phaedrus said, "and then she went off to see her lover"”

“This whole thread captures what TT can be. Here you have folks that have fought tooth and nail on fuego threads and now it's people helping, sypathizing, empathinzing, and just generally being there for another person. Sorry for butchering the spelling of the words.”

“No, the key is a long marriage, where UP still loves her and she still loves him (but is very screwed up right now), can be saved.

I said it before: It sucks that the job of saving the marriage falls on the one that is hurt the most by this s#!t. But if you take up the challenge you will win.”

“Only if they both want it to work. They have no kids to protect here so a divorce only hurts them. The question is which is the right road, one of certain immediate misery, many months of suspicion and counseling with no guarantee of future happiness or one of certain immediate misery, many months of painful recuperation and lonely nights with no guarantee of future happiness.”

“Seriously UP. She knows what she's doing is wrong, she knows how much it is going to hurt you, and yet she's stull doing it. Says to me that she is increadibly selfish. Telling you she'll miss you and calling you is a way to alleviate her own guilt.
She really does seem to have more problems than this marriage.”

“No one is telling him to shoot her between the eyebrows and toss her body in the nearest dumpster. We are just saying let her lie (pun intended) in the sticky bed she has made. If she wants to make it work, let her come back to him.”

“Sorry to hear you're going through this painful time, ULTRAPecker. During a storm everything seems so gloomy and cloudy but with time, I can assure you, the sun will shine again. You are currently in the worst position because she's the one with the "power", she is excited about someone else and is not missing you, while the opposite is true for you. This position won't last long. You have to understand that. Reaquaint with old friends and find new ones, find solice in your family, God, and on occasion, beer (not in sorrow, but in having a good time with others and forgetting about it all). Also use your anxiety and nervous energy for running and getting back into the shape you were in at age 22, it seriously helps. The first summer I took off to just roam the wilderness was triggered by a tragic event in my life and it was a wonderful experience and I just kept on doing it year after year. Do something big and exciting. If you aren't happy in your career, now's the time to make a change. Life is filled with tragic days and life is filled with AWESOME days, at age 37 you have plenty of both left to live. I'm 42 and just got married and I hope to have at least 3 kids with Lauri. Your life isn't even half over yet, man, and I'm looking forward to my best days ahead. But I'm no psychologist so take my advice with a grain of salt and a couple shots of tequila.”

“You forgot the lime.

Reminds me of a greeting card I saw.

When life gives you lemons, add some salt and tequila and have a marguirita.”

“UP,

You and I sound a lot alike. If I was in your shoes, I would probably be doing everything the way you are. I have told my wife several times that I would probably take her back if she cheated on me.

I am sure it helps you to talk about this. You have been posting a lot the past couple of days and giving us updates. Keep talking! This is how I am when I get real upset about something. I spill my guts to someone and it feels better instantly.

So keep talking to us! We will always be here for you, even if your wife isn't.


Remember, you need to do what feels right in your heart! Listen to it.

;)

:)”

“And Doug says once again:

Protect yourself.






Always.

Doug”

“I have told my wife several times that I would probably take her back if she cheated on me.

wounded Knee
2:09:36 PM
5/27/05

WK, no offense but that is the last thing I would have told her”

“So keep talking to us! We will always be here for you, even if your wife isn't.

wounded Knee
3:09:36 PM
5/27/05

UP, one caveat to what WK posted. We'll be here for you, but I ain't having sex with you!”

“*jumps up onto soapbox* Ok, don't anyone get mad at me, but I think we should all be careful not to tell UP what to do. He hasn't worked out his exact plan of action yet. We should support him in whatever he decides, even if we don't personally agree with it. None of us (and probably not even her, herself) knows what's going on in his wife's mind. Speculation is a dangerous thing sometimes. Suggestions are great, but it is for him to decide. *steps off soapbox*”

“Could she be crying out for him to come get her? Kind of a knight in shining armor sort of thing.”

“{struggling with pixie to borrow soapbox}
ummm, he did ask us to tell him what he should do. He's old enough to know to take what we say as our opinions and sift through it for ideas that fits what he thinks he should do.
{handing the soapbox back, sorry about the muddy boot marks}”

“Right hyway, I forgot to add that.

Ewker, She will never cheat on me. I know I say never, but I have a lot of trust in her. Besides, after I said I would never leave you, I said that I would hunt her down.”

“Pxie, I don't think anyone is being too specific, just ideas. Just to stand up for himself and look after himself. And he'll come to his own conclusions anyhow. We're just a sounding board.”

“ummm, reading board”

“UP, i would like to share a little something with you. My wife did the same thing your is doing several years ago. I reacted the same way you are. I told her I loved her and missed her and hoped she would come back. I told her I realized she was going through a hard time and had choices to make. I let her know I was unhappy, but told her i would give her space. She was coming and going as yours is.
Well she came back, tail between her legs and admitted she'd made the biggest mistake of her life. I bought it, hook line and sinker. I thought things were going great, we had a child together, we bought a house and new car together, I supported her in anything she wanted to do.
Last September, she did it again, but this time she was deceptive, lied to my face until i caught her with the man. It was very painful. Went straight to the lawyer, and it was over quick. I would not give up my beautiful little girl for anything in the world, but it just shows what can happen.
I don't know what to tell, but I do know how you feel. It is very confusing, especially when you're getting mixed signals.
Obviously if I had it to do again, I would not have taken her back. Having second thoughts about a relationship is natural. Falling in love with someone else is natura. Running off on a sex escapade is really inexusable. It sounds to me like she has a problem dealing with her own emotions. My ex had and still has the same problem. She moved in with the guy a few months ago and is now moving out. It tears my heart that my daughter has to go through that, and who knows how many more.
I hope you can find the right answer in your heart. good luck with everything and stay positive. It will get better one way or the other i promise.

John”

“Anyone heard from UP? he hasn't posted since early on Friday.”

“I'm here John. I've heard from her about three times since I last posted. Her mind is made up. She's in love with him and he's moving up here at some point. I'm sure they have made plans and arrangements already.”

“I'm sorry UP. Don't give it long though. Make sure you look after yourself.”

“Ultra, best of luck to you. Your life will get better.”

“Her mind was made up all along.”

“I've been crying on the shoulder of a real good friend. A female co-worker. I never knew she could be such a good friend. She just recently got divorced for the same reason. It's non-sexual. She listens and I think it helps her too. She has a boyfriend and I'm not interested in a sexual relationship with her and I believe she feels the same way. She's a true friend.”

“remember, change locks, change accounts, change underwear you may get lucky, so be prepared).

Keep in mind that anything your wife has access to, it may be possible that the new boyfriend has access, too. Change those locks before she comes home.”

“well said, sounds like she's all about herself at the moment, and he sounds like an #&%!$. Hopefully she'll end up getting exactly the relationship she deserves.”

“I told her it wouldn't work with this guy when I spoke with her on the phone yesterday. I told her things seem great right now but eventually there would be some control issues pop up and she would become unhappy again and cheat on him too. That really pissed her off.”

“I don't know how this guy can just leave his kids, relatives and friends behind and move up here.”

“Because he's a worthless schmuck?”

“I think she see's in him someone who listens to her and someone she's going to be able to control. (for awhile)”

“Cos he's getting more pie with her than the other woman, and he likes pie.”

“The day before my ex filed, she took all the money from our joint checking account.
I had checks bouncing all over town.
Not good.

Protect yourself, she will certainly take care of herself.
last edited: 5/31/05 10:53:30 AM”

“I have all our wedding stuff piled up by the front door. She's suppose to get back sometime tonight.

When she called yesterday she wanted to know if she wrote a check for her truck payment and stuck it with the bill. She said she needed to know so she could balance her checkbook. I believe this is something that could of waited until she got back. I was nice and looked for her. We started talking about us and him and that's when she told me she loved him and that he was moving up here. I told her she could no longer rely on me for help with her checkbook problems and told her if she needed the check register to see if she made her truck payment she could rely on her new man.”

“I haven't heard from her since.”

“good for you! You be careful, those two are going to need somewhere to live. Cover all your bases.”

“She's completely caught up in the "newness" of the fling. Reality will come crashing in very soon (like paying bills). Keep reading up on the stuff I've mentioned. I'm praying for you.”

“I've been stone cold drunk for three days. Before this happened I hadn't been intoxicated since 1996. I've been alittle self destructive but I know I'll pull through. I asked and received the rest of the week off from work. They know what I'm going through and have been supportive. I know eventually I'm going to have to get my act together.”