I'm Hurting

“I'm actually thinking of going backpacking this weekend.”

“Not to tell you how to live your life ULTRA, but since you asked for help ...

You would most likely benefit more from the backpacking retreat if you had a clear mind - use it to detox yourself, mind and body.

Remember you're at an important juncture in your life right now. It's up to you which path to take. One of destruction, or one of rebuilding yourself. I've gone down both paths myself from past relationships, and IMO the path of rebuilding oneself is much more rewarding and satisfying.

You are in control of your destiny from this point on, nobody else is responsible, nor will anybody else take responsibility.

You're in my prayers.
last edited: 5/31/05 11:20:02 AM”

“Dude, sooner or later you will need a good drunken pity party, better to get it over with sooner than later and start the healing process.

If anyone says that they never had a drunken pity party after a serious break-up they are either still screwed-up from the event and uselessly waiting for the healing process to begin, or lying ;)”

“LOL! hyway. That's pretty funny.
But seriously after the drunken pity party is over, I realized that the drunken part not only didn't make me forget or numb the pain, but I ended up feeling so much worse dealing with the hangover AND the sorrow AND trying to function (aka go to work, etc.) Now pigging out on ice cream is a whole nother story. LOL!”

“Oh yeah, a gallon of high-end vanilla bean ice cream will cure a lot of wounds!

:-)”

“Thanks Sarge. I will heed your advice.”

“Sorry about the bad news, but glad to hear you're hanging in there. Don't get hung up on the boos! Backpacking is better : ) Just think of this as a fresh start. You don't have kids, so there's all kinds of things you can do. Quit your job and go back to school, sell everything you own and travel for awhile, or just stay put and work on establishing yourself. If you two were in the home any length of time, i'd recommend a move. I turned over the keys to mine Saturday night. I felt like I was handing over the last string in my marriage. Other than my daughter of course.”

“Thanks John. We've only been in the house 10 months. At this point I'd like to try and keep it. She said she doesn't want it. I know my feelings about things will change as the dust settles. The unknown bothers me alot.”

“what a great point I John makes. Very cool ideas.”

“"I'm praying for you.”
techntrek
11:10:30 AM


When praying for an 'ULTRAPecker', aren't you afraid that God will think you're getting greedy and smite you?
;)”

“UP, she says she does not want the house, but you should do something to get a current appraisal of the house.

The marriage owns the current equity in the house, 1/2 each, get that amount documented because she will be collecting 1/2 the value for as long as her name is on the deed and you are still paying her mortgage.”

“in my divorce the judge divided the house payment between us. We then had 6 months to sell it or the city would sell it at auction. Decide what you want to do. If you want to keep it then you will have to buy her out. If not sell it ASAP and start over.”

“When she gets here I will have a clearer picture of what my course of action will be.”

“I've decided to sell the house. I don't want the financial burden of it. My soon to be ex-wife wants an easy way out of making her end of the house payment so she's pissed.

I'm going ahead with my lawyer and filing for divorce.

After talking with some friends and relatives today it has become apparent that she made a concious decision to get out of the marriage awhile ago. We believe the decision was made weeks before she went to South Carolina.”

“That sucks, man. I'm sorry to hear that. But hey, maybe it's for the better. Maybe if the weather is nice this weekend, you should go out for a hike, even if just for a few hours. It'll do wonders for your mental disposition and even help you keep your head up.

But anyways, good luck in whatever you decide. I'm sure it'll all be for the better at the end of the day. Maybe I'll get to see you out there sometime in one of my Midwestern romps...”

“By all means go backpacking this weekend man.

I've not spoken up here yet, but i've kinda been reading and I'm sorry this happened to you.

I went thru a fairly similar situation, not exactly, but emotionally about the same i think and I was ruined - just toast for a long time.

People on this board really helped me thru it - listened to me and offered encouragement, told me it would get better - and they were right.

I'm happier now than I EVER thought i would be again. You will be too - in time.

Until then, do the best you can, get out on the trail - the trail is the best therapist in the world - the trees are great listeners and the wildlife offers trememdous encouragement for your soul.”

“Thanks guys. When I lost a good job about 2 years ago to layoff a co-worker said to me sometimes it's for the better. He was right. I like the job I have now alot more.

I don't like the idea of being alone again even though most people say I'm a loner. The companionship is what I'll miss the most. It'll be hard to get use to being alone again after 7 years.”

“people are telling you to go backpacking this weekend but didn't you say she(no I didn't go back and read) and the new guy are coming in? If they are I wouldn't leave until she has her stuff out.

BTW even if you change the locks she has every right to get into the house by any means since the house is still in her name also.

Also she can live (not her new bf) in the house with you until the divorce is final. Thee is no law that says either one of you have to move out.”

“True ewker, but why make it easy for her.”

“hyway, if he changes the locks and she breaks in who do you think will be the one who fixes what she broke..not her!!

I just realize I contradicted myself in the other post.

I said for you to stay home until she gets her stuff out them below I said she doesn't have to move out.

I am guessing she will move so her and bf can be together.
That will make it easier on you but she will still be responsible for half of the bills in both names.”

“money isn't everything. I would gladly pay for a new door jam if it served to piss her off royally. Its been long enough now that the pain of missing her would be replaced by the anger at her actions.”

“A non resident owner cannot break into a premises they own.

She voluntarily moved out, therefore is non resident and has no right to be in the house.

UP said she left a note, keep any documentation showing she decided to move out. That denies her legal access.
Of course she does have a right to recover her belongings from the house, just as a landlord has a right to inspect a house or to effect repairs in a house, but they cannot break in to do so without a court order.”

“If you have a substantial 401K, try to negotiate so that you keep it all. It may not seem like a lot now, but it represents a lot of money in your future. I was able to keep my ex out of mine.”

“manuka, she hasn't moved out...yet. Until that time she has every legal right to be in the house. Even if he changes the locks she can get in until it has been determined she has moved out.”

“You are right Ewker, I though UP had said she left a note, I went back and re-read his post. A note left on a dry-erase board saying sorry but not saying she is leaving.

UP needs to get something formalized so they can sort out stuff and separate. Currently they are emotionally separate but legally and financially joined. Better to formalize stuff while they are still friends, this will give a better chance of staying friends.”

“Get a good lawyer and ask lots of questions. Even though they are supposedly "working for you" some will do as little as possible. My wife got a lazy lawyer, he he, My lawyer drew up everything the way I wanted it. Hers just signed off on it. A good lawyer can give you a lot of good advice about how to proceed and how to protect yourself.”

“Her boyfriend is moving up here at some point but I don't believe it's going to be for awhile. She told me she doesn't want to stay at the house.”

“Sorry to hear about your relationship woes UP... :-(

You're lucky if you don't have kids together... The divorce should be a lot easier to settle...

From what I understand (via my friend's divorce), she has the right to be there until she physically moves out...

However, once she's "vacated the premises", then she doesn't have free rein to come back in....

You may want to cover yourself by photographing what is in the home before she moves out...My girlfriend's ex used to use his kids to "get into" the house after he moved out-- (he would have his son crawl through the dog door to get "his stuff" from inside the house.") Very manipulative and totally wrong for him to do....My friend had custody of the kids, and he knew that they were allowed to be inside, but he wasn't allowed. He also took some things that they had not agreed to...

Don't let yourself get caught in a similar situation (of her trying to get more stuff after she leaves). I know it's got to hurt for you right now, but you need to cover yourself and look after yourself....Sounds like you didn't have kids, so that's a good thing... It is far easier to divide things than children.....

I would definitely recommend that you alert the bank to what's going on... However, technically, I think you're not really able to deny her access to your accounts as long as you are still married... Just make sure you make a note of what monetary assets you have at present, so that you can look out for yourself in the long run....

Good luck-- I hope things get better for you!”

“The bank knows the situation. What's really crazy is she finally came to the house today after she got back and spent about 5 minutes here and took the dogs to her mother's. She said she knows we have to have a face to face meeting about the bills and the possessions but she's been avoiding talking about them. She is terrible at making decisions and even worse at financial obligations. I'm paying the lawyer tomorrow to get things started as a contested divorce. I think she may and try to stiff me with the bills and the house. I'm going to tell the lawyer tomorrow to let her have it.”

“Amen UP, at this point she's in the wrong, that's the way she wanted this to go down, and you have the power to lay her out, so do it.”

“She has no guilt whatsoever. She apparently wants me to take care of everything.”

“"She apparently wants me to take care of everything."

ULTRAPecker
10:03:35 PM
6/01/05

In that case I'd give her exactly what she wants...”

“It's typical of her.”

“She told me before she left with the dogs today that she was going to her mother's to drop off her stuff and take a shower. That was 6 hours ago.”

“Her mother lives 40 minutes away.”

“I'm drunk and going to bed.”

“Get everything out of this that you can, some woman who's worth something is gonna come into your life and you're gonna want to provide her with a nice house, nice ring, nice car etc...

I doubt your ex is gonna need a lot of the assets from your marriage to furnish the single wide she'll be living in.
last edited: 6/01/05 10:12:30 PM”

“My ex did basically the same thing. She fell in "love" with her manager where she worked. She moved out once I discovered it and wouldn't ever talk about it or come for her stuff. In the mean time I got another job and moved away. I kept telling her that I was moving and she never came so I packed it all and took it with me.

I sold her wedding dress at a consignment shop and bought a gas grill with the dough. Much later I sold the grill to my roommate so I could hire a horse and carriage to pick up my new girl from her job so I could propose to her. I sold her guitar and bought a microwave. By the time she finally got around to coming to get her stuff (the day of our divorce) there wasn't much left.”

“I will ask the advice of my attorney in what steps I can take.”

“My soon to be ex-wife seemed very happy today. Her new man must be coming up very soon. I'm trying to get past this by thinking in my mind she died in a plane crash when she came back the first time. (before I knew about the affair)”

“She showed up this morning to pickup a scrub top for work and then left. Before she left she told me to stop my drinking. She said "Just words of wisdom for you." This from someone her girlfriend told me was getting drunk everynight closing down the bars when she was down in South Carolina.

I'm not self destructing. I have a few beers before bed everynight because it helps me sleep. I had four last night. Got a good buz and went to bed.

I use to chew skoal. I started it back up again because I know she doesn't like it. She saw it and told me I'd never get a woman with a disgusting habit like that. I told her I wouldn't want another woman that would eventally cheat on me.

I will not continue with the drinking or chewing. I've lost 10lbs since this thing has went down. I'm going to get myself back into shape. I guess I want her to think I'm destroying myself so it'll piss her off?”

“You don't need to piss her off UP, pity her... and then stick it to her in the divorce.”

“The best thing you could do is get back in shape, be happy and find someone new. She wants you to self destruct. She wants you to mourn over the loss of her. It makes her self esteem soar ! The happy you are, the more it will piss her off. The better you do in life, the worse she will look. So get started !!”

“You guys are right.”

“I'm getting ready to go running. My lawyer is suppose to call around 0900. I had to get the money to pay her and I have it now. Today I start the divorce.”

“Remember, act happy, even if you not. Smile and say nice things like - Good luck with your new life. Act like you cant wait to move on now and start new. Be exited about it and make sure she see's it and know's it.”

“hey, its just my opinion, and I have already stressed this, but the sooner you get the destructive breakdown into a full swing pity party the sooner you will be ready to heal. If you tuck all that pain and anguish into a watertight compartment and act like it isn't there, it just going to sour everything you do for a very long time.

Who cares about her self esteem, if it soars because you miss her, thats just another reminder to you of why you are better without her.”

“If you tuck all that pain and anguish into a watertight compartment and act like it isn't there, it just going to sour everything you do for a very long time.
hyway
8:40:01 AM
6/02/05

odd...but I agree with hyway.”

“Anger is the cleansing fire in the forest of love loss.

Revenge, though, is seven drunk guys with chainsaws and a bulldozer.”

“Very good advice from everyone.

THANK YOU!”