I'm Hurting

“It's been a long time since I've posted on TT. I've had a rough couple of weeks. My wife took a trip to Myrtle Beach South Carolina with some girlfriends from work and came back and asked for a divorce. She said she met a guy down there and thinks she's in love with him. We've had a rocky marriage the last couple of years and especially the last year with the death of her father. I blame myself for alot of our problems because I would keep my feelings and emotions bottled up and I wasn't sharing anything with her when she needed it most. I still love her but she said she doesn't think she loves me anymore. We've talked everyday since she told me last Friday. I was trying to repair the damage I had done to her but I believe I've failed. She's been back from Myrtle Beach for a week and she got some more time off work and left last night for Myrtle Beach for another week to stay with him and won't be back until May 31.

I've went through the range of emotion that people go through in this situation and I don't have alot of friends to talk to so I decided to post this. Backpacking and anything else I like to do is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I'm very depressed. It's not until you lose someone until you realize what they really mean to you.

I feel I'm to old to start over with someone new. I'm only 37 and we don't have any kids. I want kids but I didn't want to bring them up in disfunction and neither did she. I'm at the point now that where I think I may never have children and that hurts too.

I've contacted a lawyer and meet with the lawyer Thursday. In Indiana there's a no fault law when it comes to divorce. We just built a house last year and were going to have a hard time selling it if that is what happens. I've asked around work for a potential room mate.

She told me last night she needed this time to clear her head and get away. I believe from what I've seen in her eyes and what she's told me that it's over between us. We'll have been married for 6 years in October and together for 7.5 years. I helped put her through nursing school and we have alot of history together and that's not easy for me to let go of. I love her very much and miss her terribly. I guess I've missed her for quite awhile now but didn't realize it until this happened.

This is very painful for me to share. Thanks for reading my post and letting me rant.
last edited: 5/25/05 11:44:57 AM”

“Dude, wallow in it as much as you want. Put on country music and cry a river. Then stand up and move on. You guys obviuosly weren't a good fit. Be thankful you don't have kids so now you don't have to be tied to her. Life will get better.

At least, thats what worked for me.”

“I'm trying to make peace with it.”

“I may be wrong, but you are probably more upset at teh betrayal than you are at her leaving.”

“Having been through my own marriage turmoil (see the B@tch thread), I can tell you it isn't all lost until the divorce papers are signed. You two can work it out - even if she doesn't want to at first.

This web site saved us: www.marriagebuilders.com

Read all the articles on the site, then buy his book "His Needs, Her Needs". Take a look at the forums on the site. The ones dealing with infidelity kept me from falling apart, hopefully the support will help you.

I'll pray for you.”

“Hang in there pal.

37 is young from my point of view.

Take up a musical instrument if you don't already play.

If you do play.........play that sucker until it hurts.”

“There will come a time for you that will start the happiness life has to offer... You are not alone with this situation and many men and women have found themselves... some sooner than others... why hell I pissed away 40 years before I found myself and was able to share my soul with another person... Get outdoors and allow the inner pain to escape...”

“Put on some Hank Williams”

“nah nah nah, you need to listen to Shameless ... and wallow wallow wallow in misery. Then shake it off and move on”

“I know I will move on. It's just something you don't let go of overnight.”

“Difficult to give you any advice since I've never been in your shoes, but I sympathize with you. I hope things work out for you.

It seems as if the two of you have different objectives in life. 37 is young. You still have plenty of time to find happiness with a family. As someone who dated women who already had children, let me tell you not to rule them out. While there is usually baggage associated, (not talking about the child here) with them you have the opportunity to not only be a husband and a father of your own children, but also to be the father figure for a child who may not have much of one.”

“Don't let go so quickly ULTRAPecker!”

“Thanks for the support.”

“Pretty good advice from the pusher of bits.

I didn't get married until 35. My wife had a child from a previous marriage (dickwad left when she was 2). We've had 2 more together and I'm 'Daddy' to all 3.

Life is not a predictable. Roll with it.”

“Prayers for you, and your wife. And I second what Tech says, let it breathe and see, but don't let her think that divorce is what you want if it really isn't.
last edited: 5/25/05 12:46:42 PM”

“37 isn't old. I'm 44 and in many ways starting over. I've been divorced and remarried. I've suffered with depression and had joints replaced. I started hiking again after 20 years and failed miserably. I certianly sucks now but roll with it and push on. In my present marriage I have had to learn to let go. Life certianly can be hard. That is why I like hitting the trail. It is just me and the wilderness. It becomes a good escape for a while. Hang in there.”

“UP, roll with the punches, man. Life gets better and there's just no telling what will happen. Whatever doesn't kill you sometimes makes you wish it would, but after that, you always end up remembering what was so good about life before the crap happened.

My sympathies, man.”

“Thanks guys I appreciate the kind words.”

“Ultra, I don't know you but I feel for ya guy. If her love is gone you are going to have to let her go. You and I are the same age, I'll be 37 next month. I am lucky to have a good wife and swell kids. We all wish you the same happiness. Keep your chin up and go do something fun. The woman of your dreams is out there and she is probably lonely right now to. Friends of mine in our age group who have divorced are doing just fine. You are in the second time around age group and there are tons of ladies looking for a good man. Time and love will heal your wounds. It is the children that suffer divorce the most, in your case that does not apply.”

“http://www.womenbehindbars.com/


Sorry man, Phaedrus made me do it!

Life begins at 40.
That's what my old man told me, anyway.”

“alchol, strip clubs, more alcohol, "massages", more alcohol, bars, coeds, alcohol, coed strippers..........

I was only with my ex for 4 yrs and we only got to the engaged part so I added more alcohol for you in the above recipe.”

“Ultra, I am sorry to hear this. I do know how you feel. My divorce was just final this spring. My wife left me for another man. It hurt for a while, but when the smoke cleared, I realized how unhappy I had been all along. I am a better person for it. I'm not saying you will feel the same way. If you truly love her and think it can work then go for it. But remember her in this too. It sounds like she has been honest with you and you have to respect. People change and feelings change. If she is truly unhappy and there is nothing to make that better, than it is better to let her find a new life, as much as that may hurt. I am only 30 and good gosh I hope 37 is not old, cause I plan on doing a whole lot more livin. Hang in there ok, it will all work one way or the other. Like someone said above, life is an adventure, just ride with it. Shoot me an e-mail sometime if you want to do some hiking. I enjoyed meeting you this spring.”

“I've been through that and have posted things here that I wouldn't have wanted to talk about anywhere else.

It hurts and I guess that's normal.

Take care of yourself. Get personal counselling, it helps you to focus on the necessary things and how to tell them from the emotionally driven fog.

Life will get better.

All the best.

Doug”

“tech, I disagree with you. I would let her go and quickly. It isn't like she met someone and it grew over time. She has determined in a weeks time that she has found someone else and says she loves them!! I wouldn't hang around anytime on her.

cut your loses and move on, to many women out there to always wonder when it will happen again.”

“nothing you can do about the hurt. If you try to deny it you will just be putting off the eventual healing. embrace the pain, lash out at us in a drunken stupor then apologize the next day, chase young women and hope you remember what to do if you catch one, go ahead and #&%!$ about how life isn't fair and why does #&%!$ always have to happen to you. You will do it at some point so go ahead and get it out of the way.”

“Mostly good advice here. I'd especially encourage you to look at techntrek's website.

I'm going through a nasty divorce right now and there are five children involved. Divorce is never easy. Always better to fix what you have. Don't be too quick to give up and move on.

But if it can't be fixed....then be glad you are finding out now, not 10 years from now...and man, 37 is young! You have at least 7 or 8 more years that you can have children. Don't stress about that.

Sheesh, if it means anything to ya, you can have a couple of mine. ;-)”

“Sorry for your troubles. I know it is difficult right now, but it will get better.

Get out and hike. Hiking is the best head maintenance there is.”

“Hiking is the best head maintenance there is.”
woodzie

Dang and I just went and blew $15 bucks on a haircut!”

“Ewker, the fact that it happened so quickly with her and the guy she met, that would lead me to the opposite conclusion.”

“Grab a wad of cash, a cooler, and your backpack and head towards 16th and Georgetown this weekend. By Monday, all will be beter.”

“Yep, Ewker sure has learned a lot during the last year.

If you think you are too old for children,
then I guess you are too old for children!
My youngest one was born when I was 51. She is now 21 and seated right across from me on another computer in the library of Grinnell College in Iowa. She graduated here on Monday. She is a delight to me, as is her full sister, who returned from here to Florida last night. She was born five years before this new graduate. What I'm saying is that I was not too old for (more) children, but I guess you are too old to have any. That is, unless you can change your way of thinking.

http://www.thebackpacker.com/trailtalk/thread/38389,-1.php”

“I've found that one of the best ways to deal with personal difficulty and pain is to put on my most favorite music (The Grateful Dead Live in some form or another) Something about Jerry's Guitar playing that puts me on an entirely different plane. I Try to look for and compliment the beauty in other women,Commit random acts of kindness, hold a door open, or (My favorite) annonymously buy a cup of coffee, you may find that the gratitude you recieve in return will help salve the hurt that you feel. My Prayers to you : )”

“Dude, that sucks. I'm sorry. I think the key part of advice is not whether or not for us to tell you to let go or not. I think the advice would be to really see which option is best for you. And perhaps you could convince her to do counseling with you, if anything, to make the separation (if that is what is needed) easier.
And if 37 is old then I am going right now to slit my wrists! LOL! (I'm 34 and never even been married. Things don't look good for me as far as marriage and children, but it isn't the end of the world. I promise.) ; )”

“jackstraw, I like the random acts of kindness idea. That's really beautiful to seek out goodness in the world, by creating it on one's own. Nice. : )”

“Your best years are ahead of you.”

“Hang in there guy....it will get better!”

“I wish you peace and a new love.”

“"Ewker, the fact that it happened so quickly with her and the guy she met, that would lead me to the opposite conclusion" - Fritz

He's right Ewker. You don't build all the intricate connections and years of memories, common bonding, after one week with someone new. The web site I pointed to is very clear that if you buckle down for the long haul and show how much you love the straying spouse, in time he/she will return and eventually even want to help the heal the marriage. I can say from personal experience that even when the other spouse if fully willing and committed from the start to help the healing process, its still a very painful and long process.

Don't give up, don't screw around as others here have suggested, and you'll win the fight.”

“UP, techntrek may be right, but you better look really close at you motives as to why you want to fight to save your marriage. If its rocky now without children, it will be a freaking much harder place when you add them to the mix. And please, oh please, don't have kids just to save the marriage. Kids don't deserve that kind of crap.”

“Run; don't walk.”

“When they both start following the rules that Dr. Harley lays out (summarized here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html) then the rocky ground disappears. You stop fighting, you start trusting in the other's motives and actions.

Money is usually the biggest argument maker in any marriage. We fought, too. Once we started following Harley's rules we could sit down and figure out where the money should go. Like personal spending money - we each get an allowance every paycheck and have agreed that we have no say what the other person spends it on. When I want a big piece of new gear I have to save up that money over time, and my wife can't complain when I finally put down the $350 for a new bag or tent. Same for her money. No more rocky ground.

edit: and if you follow Geobeet's advice and run away, you are destined to have the same patterns with your new girlfriend. You'll be on rocky ground the whole time and eventually one of you will cheat on the other. Follow Harley's rules and you grow as a person. That's better than running away from the problem.
last edited: 5/26/05 8:53:06 AM”

“is there anything in Dr. Harley's rules about love. What if it isn't there, should you still stick it out?”

“hey, tech, I just read the summary. Good stuff, now I know terms for all the stuff I had already knew was happening.”

“Following the rules helps to regenerate the love, on both sides. In UP's case, if he starts to follow the rules he will start building up the points until she starts to feel the love again. Then eventually she'll want to start following the rules. Reality isn't quite that simple, but the plan is good.

Some of the terms are corny (like "love bank"), but it gets the concepts in your head. :-)”

“The problem I see is when one level of deposits to create romantic love is much lower than the partners.”

“Hey UP. I'm sorry to hear this. It is definitely worth trying to work things out - if it works, you'll have your marriage back. If it doesn't you will have lerned something about yourself. One important goal for me after my divorce was to make sure I was in a position to really make a relationship work next time. Too many people keep having the same problems again and again.

My first wife and I split when I was 39, after 15 years of marriage and 17 years together. I took it hard, especially because of my two young sons. However, I had some very good times being single (and got involved with a couple women who were even nuttier than my ex!).

I got remarried a year ago, at 47. We started dating 4 1/2 years ago and got serious about 6 months later. It's been great all along. I honestly did not beleive it could stay this good, this consistently for this long. I've been telling lots of friends that if I knew I could be in a relationship that could be this good, I would have backed out of my engagement to my first wife when I got a taste of the kind of crap that she would inflict on me (and there are a few other relationships I would have bailed on much earlier).

America is the land of second and third and fourth (and so on) chances.”

“tech, when she came back to tell him and then took back off to SC that is a pretty good sign it is over.
I suspect there is more to it than just a week fling.

sorry tech, there are times to cut your loses and this is one of them.

ultrapecker, you have to make up your own mind. Lots of thoughts on this but you have to make the final decision.”

“I respecfully disagree, Ewker. You don't give up on a marriage when someone suddenly runs off for a week. Unless you don't love them either. Then, sure, give up. But UP obviously still loves her and he needs to fight to keep her.

Dr. Harley describes just such circumstances. She just met the guy, and is in the initial "wow" period of young lust. UP needs to start working on it NOW, but he has a very good chance of winning her back.

It really, really, really sucks but the person that is hurt by the infidelity is the one that has to make all the efforts to save the relationship - at first. That's part of the cost of true love I guess.”

“Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. My wife says she feels the same way.

Personal experience may vary.”

“We both said the same thing. You don't know how you are going to react until you are in the situation.”