What About Crushes

“We are going through pre-marriage counseling w/ our pastor. One of our strong points is communication, prolly because we already had that long friendship and feel safe to talk about alot of things. Anyway, I think I should take advantage of that and talk w/ him about this other aspect that isn't getting alot of our attention.

Don't misunderstand me, I know that being heated up isn't the most important thing and esp. in the long run it will naturely not be so intense, but I'm wondering why we are both letting it operate at this level. Trying to keep ourselves in check has maybe made it awkward to be hot for each other. Esp. because we both know about the experience, we aren't going in as virgins here.”

“Sounds a little like Lee hit the nail on the head with his last point on the list. Go for it!”

“Techntrek, I will look at that book. I might also look at the book Smiley recommended. Maybe I'm just plain jittery too. Smiley, you were right that you have to consider the single part of your life that you are leaving and mourn that a bit.”

“One other thing: We don't have alot of time together and esp. time alone together. He works out of town Mon-Thurs and we have Newergirl. So, we have to try and stuff time w/ each other and time working on being a whole family and just getting everyday practical stuff done, into a 3 day period every wk. That adds alot difficulty and some frustration.”

“Damn, Newgie! This is a sign from G-d. You should give up on committing to any long term arrangement, especially marriage. You should get a job at a catering hall and work all the weddings; where the men are freshly shaved, wearing (rented) pretty clothes and smelling oh so yummy. You should make yourself available to satisfy their every fantasy, right there on the premises.
Gee whiz girlie. Are you certain you wish to get hitched?

From a guys point of view... sure we look, even fantasize, but (most) have the maturity not to dwell on it or ask "marital advice" of the likes of us!”

“Phil really asked a good question.

My wife is also my best friend, but you have to have the heat and you have to have the attraction. We are also Christians.

Your answers seemed to indicate you're together because you're friends and because you're Christians. Those aren't reasons to get married.”

“hey I had good advice ya know”

“All us guys in California are hot. It's weird, it just worked out that way. I advise you stay away from California if you don't want mad crushes on us all.”

“When I was married, it was never the physical crushes that got me, it was the mental ones. I have a thing for intellectual women. Maybe it was cause I married a goob, lol.
But seriously, my crushes were a sign to me that my marriage was in trouble. I would find myself thinking "why couldn't i have married someone more like this."”

“note to self: "do not marry a goob." haha!”

“good idea lyra! ; )”

“Here's my personal thoughts on the issue. It's different to think a guy is "hot", you'll do that the rest of your life. But having "feelings", like a crush makes one stop and ponder. It's not "good" nor "bad" to have these feelings, they just exist. The Bible or God has nothing to do with this in terms of right or wrong, as I saw above, at least IMHO. In fact it could be a good thing, who knows. Usually if one is madly in love with their fiance, ESPECIALLY while engaged and looking forward to marriage, and someone gets a crush on someone else it could be a tell-tale sign. That is the time most people are most romantic and giddy. Not to say you won't think others are "hot", good looking people are all over the place, but developing "feelings" for them is a whole different thing. An engagement is not marriage and you may want to do some serious evaluating before you make the final committment. If it were my fiance I wouldn't necessarily want her to tell me she has a crush on someone, I'd rather her keep it to herself and think it through if she's ready for a committed life with me or not and is truly and madly in love with me. If she wasn't, even though it would hurt, it would be better to part ways now than perhaps later. You hafta determine if your fiance still lights your fire and no one else can hold a candle to him, or if it's more like you're with him because he's a nice guy and would be a good husband and father, so why not? Tough choices. Big choices with huge consequences. I wish you the best.”

“well said buck”

“The Bible or God has nothing to do with this in terms of right or wrong, as I saw above, at least IMHO.

My bad. God doesn't determine right and wrong in marriage and relationships. What was I thinking?”

“Dayhiker, we are attracted to each. I think he's beautiful, but for the reasons I talked about we haven't had alot of priority on this and having a surprise crush has made me think about how we should put some energy into it. If having a deep friendship that turned into love and common believes and goals isn't a good reason to get married, then what is Dayhiker?

Limpy, I'm not a nut case, just to clear that up. I do want to get married and I actually think I'm being mature, not immature, to try and think this out and see how other people, married and single, would or have handled it.

Indiana, how long were you married?”

“maybe you are in love with the idea of getting married.

i had a friend that left the guy at the church because she relized this as she was heading down the isle

she was in love with the idea of being in love”

“I'm just saying your reply to Phil's question was more about logistics and friendship and faith and said little or nothing about anyone lighting someone's fire. The tone of the reply almost seemed unemotional.”

“I mean, isn't this what people are supposed to do, what more people should do so there wouldn't be such rampant divorce rates? Aren't you supposed to get as prepared as possible for the long term, aren't you supposed to counsel together and prayfuly consider things and learn about the situations you might encounter and get tools and info for dealing w/ them? I'm not sure why asking about this stuff would be interpreted as "Newgie isn't ready" signs. I don't think ignoring my feelings and not questioning how to handle this in a committed relationship is a great way to handle stuff.”

“Relationships are built on love, trust, friendship, caring, things like that. Sexual attraction is only a small part of it.

Crushes, in my thinking, come and go in or out of relationships. People either act on them or not. A crush is not a reason to abandon a relationship.

But, back to the relationship, I believe relationships take work, communication, reaching out, and sometimes sharing things that are tough to share. A crush takes no work at all, and that is, in the final analysis, about what it's worth.

Of course, my relationship history would qualify for federal disaster relief, so don't take my word for it.

Nobody said life is easy. Methinks newgirl is on her way to becoming wisewoman.”

“if you have to question "how to handle this" then I do not think you are ready for marrage

IMHO”

“No Maple. I have been over the being in love w/ being in love thing for a long time. Even at 26, I have dealt w/ plenty of real heavy crap in my life already. I feel that I have a good grip on reality. And being in love w/ having a wedding is not an issue either. Weddings are alot of darned work in themselves. People who are in love w/ that must have enough money for a wedding planner, so they can just float along in only the fun parts. LOL!”

“Newgirl, married 4 years together 9. = Too long lol.

Sarge...she's not married yet. She's engaged,which I've always interpreted as a sort of discernment period. She still has time and the right to change her mind and makes choices here without haveing to feel like she's committing some kind of sin. Under your interpretation of the bible here, we would have a lot of unhappy marriages out there.”

“Newgirl, if you follow all this TT advice then I predict the following:

1. You wind up banging the guy you have a crush on just for the hell of it.

2. You marry they guy you love because you think it is right.

3. You wind up leaving him for a travelling salesman and take off for Utah.

4. You decide that you don't like becoming a Morman, so you quit your job, dye your hair, get a one way bus ticket to nowhere, and wind up as a psychic on a 900 hotline.”

“my thoughts exactly.”

“My bad. God doesn't determine right and wrong in marriage and relationships. What was I thinking?” - Sarge

Hi Sarge! She's not married, she's engaged. What if these feelings stem from the fact she's not truly emotionally committed to her fiance? Would you rather her still marry him and harbor these crushes, or would you rather her do some evaluating BEFORE she's married and committed? What does God have to do with THAT? Maybe her fiance is the one for her, but maybe God would rather her be with someone else... you can't play the God card when we don't know, especially when she's not even married. Maybe her fiance is going through the same issues as well, do you know? Marriage is a huge committment and I would think it would be better to go into without a shadow of a doubt rather than having unsettling feelings about another. I don't know for sure, but I would think God would want it that way too.”

“that happened to a friend of mine”

“Maple, by "how to handle this" I mean that my crush made me think about another aspect of our relationship harder and I want to speak w/ my fiance about this and how to keep it a little more heated inside our commitment. I meant how to handle talking about that sort of thing and processing past the crushing, etc. I did NOT mean, I'm about to end my engagement and go get it on w/ someone and what do I do about that.”

“buck, i said it first : )”

“I also meant that I just had not really considered ever having a crush again. I did NOT think that my ring made me immune, but I just hadn't thought of it. I am feeling a bit unprepared for that part and I want to get the right tools and have the right conversations w/ the man I love. That's it.”

“this will be a good test for both of your faiths towards each other
be honest.


get it out in the open NOW before it snowballs into something horrible
trust is so importain.

I trust tree with all my heart, but I have also been with him for 20 years now and it was a lot of work on both of our parts.

be honest!”

“I just want everyone to know that I'm a professional and my advice should be taken as such. I've been married for almost two months now. Seriously. I'm THAT good. Please do not copy and paste my responses to other forums without my written consent and proper credit. Being a pro can be a burden. Carry on.

cc: God”

“Well maybe this is more of an issue of being caught off guard. Sort of an, "Oh my, didn't expect that" sort of thing.”

“Chili, I'm sure glad I will not be following all of the TT advice to a T. I will not be banging crushee in CA or going to such an awful place as Utah. I will be getting married to the man I love, because I want to and after all this discussion, I will have more info as I head into that marriage. Even better.”

“Buck - I completely agree that she should re-evaluate (and between you and me, I think she might be making a mistake, but keep it quiet please).

I don't think I said I knew what God wanted her to do, but I'll have to go back and check if I said something that stupid. I do believe God knows what she should do. I also do believe God tells us how to handle relationships. I also believe we have to be faithful to our spouses, even our FUTURE spouses. Plus, we are to be honest with everybody, even if we're not married to them. If she cannot be honest with her fiance, she won't be honest with her husband, IMO.”

“So, let me get this right.

ML wants you to waltz in and say "Honey, I sure have a lot of thoughts about doing the horizontal bop with another guy".

WTF?

I don't think so.

I can just see me going in to tell Cottonsocks...."You know honey, I sure wish I could have an hour with one of the girls over at Hooters".

Hell, even if I thought it, I wouldn't let that statement pass my lips.”

“I also do believe God tells us how to handle relationships.

so does the devil”

“Yes, Dayhiker, it is an issue of being caught off guard. I had not thought of "what if this happens." I want to know more, so that I don't feel that surprised ever again and so that I can think on amping things up for us for awhile and how to tell him that I think we need that.”

“well you sure don't have to convince everyone on TT that you're doing the right thing by getting married! as long as you know, that's all that matters, of couse.

are you guys going on a cool honeymoon?”

“Man I gott get outa here. I'm going to the Day of Atonement thread. I think i have a crush!”

“You're single, IJ, it's okay!”

“well geez chilli now that you put it that way


LOL”

“Chili, I do not intend to tell him that I had a crush. Everyone was right, it would be hurtful and cause doubt that he does not need to have. I am sure of myself and I will not cheat on him ever. But, I do intend to tell him that I think we need some more passion, we have been overly concentrated on the logistics of the wedding and having a family and jobs and remodeling our home, etc and have forgotten to think on this aspect. Also, we have been trying not to get it on before we wed and holding back on that has added some frustration and we have a kiddo. Small child=high energy output from parental units This is a real part of commitment as well. Am I right?”

“so does the devil - Maple

Yeah, but which one do you listen to?”

““Chili, I do not intend to tell him that I had a crush. Everyone was right, it would be hurtful and cause doubt that he does not need to have. I am sure of myself and I will not cheat on him ever. But, I do intend to tell him that I think we need some more passion, we have been overly concentrated on the logistics of the wedding and having a family and jobs and remodeling our home, etc and have forgotten to think on this aspect. Also, we have been trying not to get it on before we wed and holding back on that has added some frustration and we have a kiddo. Small child=high energy output from parental units This is a real part of commitment as well. Am I right?”newgirl
3:13:49 PM
6/28/05

While you're at it, tell him we said "hi!".”

“newgirl - go home and just knock the bottom out of your soon to be husband for a couple of hours, then never return to this thread for your own sanity!
This will make you feel much better.

Dr. Crazypace”

“I gotsta disagree with mapleleaf (who I concede has much more marriage experience), but I wouldn't discuss this with your fiance. It would be heartbreaking and would undermine his feelings. It's not like you cheated and it's not like you're married. I would FIRST deal with your emotions on this and come to a conclusion. I think you need to deal with them yourself before you both can. If you feel/decide you are ready for a lifelong commitment, great, no loss, but if you're not or have doubts, I would ask for more time. Trust me, it would be devastating to find out your fiance has the hots for someone else, even on just an emotional level. At least for me. But if I never knew it and she dealt with it herself (in a non-physical way obviously) and came to the realization that I was all-that and not worth losing, then what I don't know wouldn't hurt me. But I would NOT want to marry her if she was dealing with feelings for someone else, I'd rather go through the pain of a break-up beforehand. Wait, just a sec... okay, God just confirmed this as well. There ya go.”

“Lyra, we are going to a family cabin in the Snowy Mtns for 3 days. We will get to be alone in the woods & do fun stuff w/ wood. LOL!”

“bottom line is


IT IS NATURAL TO LUST AFTER ANOTHER


it depends on what you do with that lust!


i listen to God & the Devil
makes life more interesting!

mmoohhaaawwwww”

“Always the wood with you, newgirl...”

“yeah, but will she mount him? ; )”