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What About CrushesView Messages“K . . . something I did not expect to encounter . . . I'm engaged now, getting married in Sept and I have developed a real hard crush on someone I recently met. I knew that being engaged or married does not make someone immune to this, but I wasn't really prepared for dealing w/ the feelings. What do you guys have to say on this?” 10:06:00 PM 6/27/05 “DONT DO IT. DONT DO IT! Lust is fleating!” 10:07:40 PM 6/27/05 “Do it while you are still single.” 10:08:57 PM 6/27/05 “I'm not DOING anything Spirit. I'm refering more to just processing those crush feelings. I don't know, I just didn't expect to run into this at all. I thought my crush days were over and then I went to my best friend's wedding and got kinda' blindsided. It isn't like I'm ready to throw in the towel on the marriage, I just don't really know if I should feel guilty or what or if I'm supposed to tell my man or what. last edited: 6/27/05 10:12:58 PM” 10:11:58 PM 6/27/05 “If you believe in God, the Bible is pretty clear about this. If not, then what difference does it make. Do whatever.” 10:13:30 PM 6/27/05 “well, just realize that you are not dead or blind and that you can still appreaciate a good piece of meat when you see it. Heck, guys do it all the time. No reason to feel guilty but just realize what it is-” 10:14:33 PM 6/27/05 “wooo, good thing there's nothing good on TV, b/c i've really stumbled on the jackpot here on TT! ;-) not to make light of your dilemma, newgirl. now let's hear the whole story!!” 10:16:38 PM 6/27/05 “I do believe in God Sarge and in the Bible. But what does that mean, am I supposed to tell my guy that I have a crush. Please be clear you guys, I have not done anything, nor will I, I'm just not sure if spouses are supposed to talk about crushes or how to deal w/ it.” 10:17:02 PM 6/27/05 “why does your boyfriend need to know? Youve done nothing wrong.” 10:18:09 PM 6/27/05 “There isn't much to tell Lyra. I met a friend of my best friend's at her wedding. He's very good looking and very nice, funny, etc. All the sudden, this AM, I realized that I have a serious crush on him. You know what I mean, like thinking about how cute he is. He has gone back to CA, it isn't like I'm going to have contact w/ him. But, I got kinda' weirded out, because I'm about to get married.” 10:20:22 PM 6/27/05 “Well, but Spirit, is it healthy to be open about those sorts of things or is it just opening a dumb can of worms? I mean like, does telling your spouse about it help keep the honesty lines open and kinda' take the secret out of crushing in a healthy way for a marriage?” 10:22:40 PM 6/27/05 “you neednt tell him everything that pops into your head in my oppinon. talk about whats really important...a fleatin crush isnt. you've jsut got the jitters I think.” 10:23:58 PM 6/27/05 “ignore sarge. hes just mad cuz the war is winding down. and how can i say this................im flattered, but long distance relationships just dont work. i cant afford to move to montana right now, and no one deserves to be forced to move to indiana. i am honored just to be admired from afar” 10:24:10 PM 6/27/05 “Here's a quick response newgirl. I'm going to bed, but will check back tomorrow just in case I left something vague. This is what I believe you could apply from the Bible on this. If I had more time, I'd just give you verses. Sorry. 1. You will be tempted. - You have to resist temptation. Use your knowledge and love of God to do that. 2. You must be honest with your future husband now and forever. My wife and I came together closer more than ever after revealing our weaknesses to one another. 3. To put another angle on #1, do whatever you must to resist. Adultry is committed even when we think about it. (that's not to say if the idea pops in your head, but the next step of fantasising and even allowing emotions to grow) These are a few quick opinions of what can be drawn from the Bible.” 10:24:37 PM 6/27/05 “LOL! Thanks for the very helpful feedback Crash Bang.” 10:25:02 PM 6/27/05 “Thanks Sarge, that is kinda' the stuff I knew about. I'm not to the developing emotions and thinking about how to get it on w/ him or anything. I was just kinda' like, "Damn, that dude is hot" and then all the sudden I felt kinda' awful about it.” 10:27:12 PM 6/27/05 “As long as you felt awful about it, you did well. You'll do fine. It's when you don't feel awful you need to worry. Ok - for real now. cya” 10:28:49 PM 6/27/05 “It's not something you need to feel guilty about---it's an emotion, they happen. I am by no means an expert but I think what you need to do is look at your current situation and make absolutely certain that he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life with one person? Is the "crush" worth losing him? I think you need to answer that honestly to yourself.” 10:28:56 PM 6/27/05 “LOL @ CB!! well i think you sound guilty (not that you are guilty of doing anything, just that you SOUND guilty in your feelings), and i think bad things would come out of acting like you were confessing something big to him. if you were comfortable casually mentioning it, then i don't think it would be a big deal, but they always say you shouldn't bring another person into this kind of thing if it's just to relieve your own guilt. like you said, you're not going to do anything, so what the hey...just have some private enjoyment! crushes are a fact of life!” 10:31:05 PM 6/27/05 “I guess I was like, "Oh man, does this mean I'm not going to be good at marriage?" However retarded that might be. I just want a successful marriage.” 10:31:59 PM 6/27/05 “Newgirl - It's good that you are aware of this crush. Some people deny their reality and then slip into something they regret. When I had "crushes" while married I took extra steps not to be in slippery positions - knowing what I felt was a good warning. You will probably have crushes after you get married. Sometimes people have these crushes when they are married and they get blown out of proportion - they begin to feel like they have finally found their soul mate. The soul mate stuff is usually some way to rationalize cheating. I can't tell you what to say to your fiance. Some relationships thrive on honesty, some on a sense of respect that precludes admitting that you've had eyes for anyone else. If he is going to read this, you'd best tell him. One last thing: Sometimes an intense crush when you aren't yet married is a warning that you haven't found the right one.” 10:32:12 PM 6/27/05 “"As long as you felt awful about it, you did well" ahh, religion and guilt, what a heady potion” 10:33:25 PM 6/27/05 “Personally, I've admitted attractions - but not overplayed them ("I find her attractive" not "she is so hot I can't stop thinking about her").” 10:34:18 PM 6/27/05 “Thanks Pedxing, that was a helpful way to process stuff. And he won't be reading this, he's not into the time sucking hole of internet . . . you know, like I am. LOL!” 10:34:58 PM 6/27/05 “Well, yeah, I'm not going to be like, "Honey, we need to talk. There was this guy at the wedding this wkend that was so hot it flippin' freakin' me out." I just wondered if it is a good idea to admit having some attractions. I know that he knows that we are humans and we're both still going to notice.” 10:36:58 PM 6/27/05 “Lyra, you have a good point.” 10:38:56 PM 6/27/05 “that's a good point about the "warning" sign of crushes, pedxing! you maybe can't help noticing someone's hot, and why should you! but you can do something in the way of not putting yourself in compromising positions, so to speak. so how long have you been w/this dude, newgirl?” 10:39:17 PM 6/27/05 and I have developed a real hard crush on someone ““I like Scooby Doo.” newgirl 11:38:27 PM 6/27/05” 10:45:37 PM 6/27/05 the cats outta the bag! “yer lettin loose freudian slips on other threads, darlin!” 10:46:42 PM 6/27/05 “Lyra, I've known him for about 10 yrs as close friends. My feelings changed really slowly for him and then late last winter we decided to give dating a shot. In Apr he proposed.” 10:47:17 PM 6/27/05 “With the dbl scooby post Crash? I know, duh.” 10:49:19 PM 6/27/05 “I think you should run off to Vegas, claim to have been abducted, make a book deal and become fabulously rich! Oh wait, that's been done. Oh well, the only sage advice I can offer is not to seek potentially life-changing advice on a bulletin board. Confide in family, close friends or a trusted member of the clergy.” 10:50:04 PM 6/27/05 “and neither of you guys have ever said you thought anyone else was cute before? weirdos!! ;-) Tarpy and i say other people are cute all the time...it only ever gets slightly annoying. like when we were in the Outer Banks, he went on for like a half-hour about how hot some girl in the fishing shop was...saying she (being foreign) must be Hotvian (like that was a nationality). LOL!! he was pretty drunk, might i add. mainly i just think it's funny though! i think it's good to just mention you think other human beings on the planet aren't revolting...totally normal! other species, i'd be careful about though. ;-)” 10:52:54 PM 6/27/05 My 2 cents worth “ Newgirl, when I was engaged and about to be married (over 25 years ago) there wasn't a woman alive that could divert my attention away from my wife. I was nuts about her, and couldn't think of anything else. I'm not sure anyone who is ready to be married (for a long time) and can be distracted that easily from their intended is really ready to get married. Now, that being said, I have always appreciated an attractive woman, and will always look, as long as I'm alive. And I've gone through more than one crush in the past 25 years (after the honeymoon is over, it's tough not to be affected by the attentions of a beautiful woman). But I'm having a hard time reconciling the thought of a woman who is committed to the idea of marriage, supposedly nuts about her man, ready to walk down the isle, and yet is distracted by an attractive man.” 10:53:04 PM 6/27/05 “Oh, here we go w/ the "don't talk about real life on the net" comments. Gaaaaawd, it isn't like I'm asking you guys about dumping my approaching wedding and getting a go-ahead. I was just wondering what you peeps would have to say about dealing w/ the occasional crush inside a marriage or engagement. I've never done this before and I wanted some feedback. And I have talked to family and close friends today. I admitted that I hadn't expected to encounter this and hadn't really thought about dealing w/ it and they gave me some advice too.” 10:54:12 PM 6/27/05 “but i get your point...i guess a "crush" would be different from just thinking someone's cute.” 10:55:28 PM 6/27/05 “hobbit makes a good point. when the newness wears off its one thing, but now? hmmmmmm” 10:55:44 PM 6/27/05 “newgirl, you've been there before... --the lumberyard cowboy --Ty No harm done in any instance! You're just one o' them gals that occasionally thinks about a hot'un. (LOL, can't believe I said "hot'un") So, to spell it out, newgirl has had crushes before... again, no harm done :-) last edited: 6/27/05 11:02:53 PM” 10:59:26 PM 6/27/05 “That's right Lizs.” 11:02:52 PM 6/27/05 “Best that she just tell US -- her very, very best friends in the whole world -- about them. ummm, not that we'd be entertained, or nuthin' ;-P” 11:04:05 PM 6/27/05 “Crash Bang, it isn't brand new. I've known him for ten years.” 11:04:16 PM 6/27/05 “oh you have to expect a little grief, newgirl...TT puts the "cute" in persecution, after all! haha. well time for nighty-night, i'll check back in in the morning to see any late-breaking developments...” 11:11:27 PM 6/27/05 “Well, I got some info. Thanks you guys. Bed time. I landed a job finally and I am doing a run thru type thing tomorrow.” 11:11:41 PM 6/27/05 “Lessee, when I had been married about three years, I met a really amazing girl where I was working. It was one of those "we really hit it off" things. She was married too, to a guy she really loved. I got kind of a crush on her, but I loved my wife and wasn't about to leave her for anything. So, eventually, I just forgot about it. You make the decision to stick with who you're with, and forget about anybody else. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're not a slave to your hormones or fantasies or whatever causes a crush. It's your choice to do what's right. As far as telling your guy about it, I say don't. It won't do any good, especially right now. Tell him in a few years if it makes you feel better, with the good ol' "I'm glad I stuck with you". And don't get down on yourself. Fleeting attraction happens to everyone.” 11:17:48 PM 6/27/05 “so you got a crush on the guy..so what. You didn't do anything else. Over and done with, now go on about your life.” 11:22:54 PM 6/27/05 “oh...am I the only one...but helloooo....she isn't married yet... i would really think this over. [gettin' married i mean] I tell you honestly, I wouldn've never gotten married if I would have had a crush on someone else before my marriage. No guarantees for a marriage period...but hey...a crush? that's a red flag! think...what would you do if you would have the oportunity and your crush would tell you that he would like to have more than just friendship... what would YOU do? Strong enough to say "no thanks"?? oh, i just read hobbits post. yeah, what he said! unless I completely missunderstand the word "crush".... oh...but hey...don't turn into a second runaway bride okay? last edited: 6/27/05 11:32:42 PM” 11:30:30 PM 6/27/05 “He has gone back to CA, it isn't like I'm going to have contact w/ him. Now, now, newgie. Why don't you just tell the truth. Folks, she's talking about me. We all (she, Aero, and I) went out for coffee about a year and a half ago. I could tell what she was thinkin' - she was getting all red in the face, etc. You know, I am really hot, so it's understandable. It's OK, newgie, it happens to me all the time. Just forget about it, 'K?” 11:36:21 PM 6/27/05 “I wonder if Gemini and myself are the only ones here seeing the flashing lights and the crossing arms dropping. This sounds like a train wreck about to happen, and nobody but the engineer has the power to stop it. I've told my wife for the past 25 years that I've been looking for a better deal, and the first one that comes along, I'm outa here! Of course, I always follow it up with, "So far, I haven't found anyone that measures up to you honey". And I mean it. Does that mean that there aren't women out there that catch my eye, or that I think are cute, or that may even be a better deal? Nope, not at all. It means that the more time I spend with her, the more nuts I am about her and the less I notice or care about what else is all around me. There is nobody that I'd rather spend time with than her. That's what time has done for our relationship. What has ten years done for you guys newgirl? Are you sorry you asked yet? *LOL*” 7:10:47 AM 6/28/05 “agreed w/ hobbit” 7:15:29 AM 6/28/05 “well, not "newness", but you know what i mean. a time when you should be more excited about each other than any other time, like hobbit said. if it doesnt develop any more, id say you have nothing to worry about. but if your crush lingers and grows, youve got some serious thinking to do” 7:24:20 AM 6/28/05
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