BB Torn Between Fear of Gays, Love of El ton John

“Buddha Bear Torn Between Fear of Gays, Love of Elton John Music


Buddha Bear spent another day in seclusion attempting to justify both his lifelong fear of homosexuals and his love for the songwriting of Elton John.

"It's fuzzy math," Buddha admitted in a talk to Union PAC members Wednesday, where he discussed a proposed constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. "On one hand you have filthy depraved animals sticking their wieners through holes in truckstop bathroom stalls, but on the other hand you have the wonderful, melodic artistry of Elton John. I just don't know how to feel."

Buddha, who has stopped short of endorsing a constitutional ban on gay marriage is clear in his support that marriage should be between a man and a woman -- or possibly between a sheep and it's owner.

"I'm just so confused right now," Buddha Bear said. "I just don't know what's more important-- honoring my inborn fear of homosexuals or continuing to enjoy the music of that 'totally queer candle in the wind.'"


Buddha Bear says he has kept his love for Elton John music secret to everyone except his immediate family for more than 20 years. Around the Union Hall, however, he still refers to [John] as "devil-fag" and instructs Union members to send vicious letters to his record label.


Tarabull insists she will stand by Buddha Bear no matter what he eventually decides. "He has to make this decision for himself," Tara said. "Buddha is a very loving and compassionate man, so it's just his nature to be seduced by Satan and all of his perverted, cross-dressing followers."

Added Tara: "We are all God's children and should be treated equally. And if that means banning the music of Clay Aiken and Lance Bass as well, so be it."”

“LOLOLOLOLOL, that was GREAT!”

“whoever this douchebag, Jame, is, he/she/it copied it from this web site. Substituting names? How f_cking creative! Gee, what a unique idea?



http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/2_2004/eltonjohn.html


Dumb muthaphucka!”

“this is a stupid thread”

“Of course it is! Just had to expose the phony, that's all!”

“Still, it is funny!”

“it's stupid and Jame is a stupid person”

“Nah, sorry. Dragging Tara into that didn't strike me funny. She's one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. And she hardly ever posts on the inane fuego threads ...”

“I like humor, I think it's really important we all maintain some sense of "balance". I don't know BB at all personally, he's probably a nice guy, but we all know how he leans politically, so this is just fun stuff. If the source is somewhere else, well so-be-it, this is just a "ha ha" kind of thread, not a VERY SERIOUS thread that will follow you to your grave!

Chill everyone, enjoy life :)”

“I love humor, Wanderer. I use it all the time. But, it's subjective. Now, did you find it funny for the "right reasons?"”

“I think I found it humourous for the right reasons, Tree-person... it was just "funny" to me!”

“EarthNskywalker, Treebeard; You're Not Really Special


Washington, D.C. - According to the recent findings of the nonprofit American Self-Esteem Foundation (ASEF), EarthNskywalker and Treebeard are not special at all. You, your friends and family members are neither special, unique, nor are you possessing of any singular gifts or talents. In effect, you are just a random cell combination similar to billions of other random cell combinations that serve no other purpose than to suck air and collaborate in the collective food chain.

The full report, commissioned by private sources, will be released early next week, and researchers are expecting the findings to cause controversy, especially those which compare the average school child to that of simple pond bacteria.

"There's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being totally unspecial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things," lead researcher Charles Umbert said. "Just like God has no special plan for sea plankton, he also has no special plan for little Timmy or little Sally or any of your doltish offspring -- no matter how much you want to think otherwise."

Not only does the report give ample proof of your total unimportance and general ineffectiveness but it incorporates why you are mostly unlikable, why you will continue to fail at most tasks and why it wouldn't matter if you were never born at all.

"We did extensive analysis of theories popularized by [children's television host] Fred Rogers as well as the more adult-centered philosophies of motivational speaker and author Anthony Robbins," Umbert said. "What we found is that these greedy, money-hungry con artists are falsely and indiscriminately telling people they are valuable, constructive and special members of society with important roles to play no matter how unintelligent, uneducated or unattractive they are. We'd like to stop this kind of dangerous thinking. There is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and if you die tomorrow, it doesn't really matter—except there would be more air and food for the rest of us."

Furthermore, the report states that low functioning children and unattractive adults in particular are only unique in that they are easily duped into thinking that they can overcome such disabilities and that they have other, more important qualities, which, in the long run, will overshadow their obvious shortcomings.

"I'm sorry it just doesn't really matter. You will fail," Umbert said. "And if you want to find out just exactly how and why, then please go to your local bookstore and order the full report. All four volumes will be made available to the public for the unheard of price of just $129.00 or $200 for you super-unimportant Canadians."”

“Like I said, subjective. I wonder if Jame is one of those that critisizes the people that cut & paste around here. Now, wouldn't that be the pot calling the kettle black?”

“HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Very, very good, Jame, I am literally rolling on the floor!”

“http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/7_0204/notspecial.html


he must be really "special" to you...”

“This is meant as humor, guys, HUMOR! Chill a little bit, enjoy life, you'll live longer!”

“And what do you think i am doing with this guy, Wanderer. I'm f_cking with him! Do you really think I'm sitting here worked up? C'mon, you profess to be smarter than this.”

“Goodnight boys and girls!

Jame, send me your e mail. I can sen you some really funny stuff. Not that lame sh_t you're dredging up.

Paste on! moohaahaahhaahhaaahahaahaaa!”

“Just two weeks since graduation from Middlebury High School and EarthNskywalker has already ignored volumes of advice his schoolmates wrote in his yearbook.

Several of the pearls of wisdom, including "don't be a stranger" seemed to have fallen on deaf ears and according to friends, have been completely ignored by EarthNskywalker so far this summer.

"It's as if he didn't even read what I wrote for him," said Ryan Offer, a close friend of EarthNskywalker's since freshman study hall. "I wrote that we should totally get crazy this summer before college and now he doesn't even return my calls."

Ex-girlfriend Sara Harding agrees, explaining that she suggested that her and [EarthNskywalker] "should really go camping at the beach" and possibly take their relationship to the next level now that he's no longer dating rival cheerleader Becky Fremont.

Despite repeated warnings in EarthNskywalker's yearbook not to "do anything I wouldn't do," EarthNskywalker allegedly went ahead and did lots of things most of his friends would never do.

"I couldn't believe when I heard he went drinking and stole his parent's Mercedes when they were out of town," Harding said. "I never, ever would have done that!"

"Thank God he didn't get arrested," former soccer teammate Brian Sutter said. "I specifically wrote in his annual to 'stay out of jail, you dog'"

Even English teacher Mr. Spence wrote to EarthNskywalker in his yearbook that he needed to brush up on his expository writing during the summer to prepare for college-level classes.

"I wrote in his yearbook that he needs to focus and then gave him a suggested summer reading list," Spence said. "It appears based on his behavior that he had thumbed his nose at everyone's advice including mine."

The normally sociable EarthNskywalker, known for partying and underage drinking, has also surprisingly ignored all requests to "down a few this summer."

In a written statement, EarthNskywalker finally responded to he allegations, explaining he's been busy working in the mailroom of his father's accounting firm, despite repeated calls "not to work too hard this summer."

"First of all, we've only been out of school for two weeks and second, despite everyone's notes in my yearbook advising me not to, I've decided to get back together with Becky Fremont which has taken up a lot of my free time," EarthNskywalker wrote. I don't care how many of you think she's a skanked out whore. She's changed and so have I!"

"And yes, I accidentally left my yearbook in my locker and haven't seen it since. Sorry"”

“hey, my circle jerk meeting was cancelled tonight. can i join you guys?”

“if you think it is funny wanderer, then you are also a stupid person
last edited: 10/13/05 9:41:11 PM”

“poosy!”

“Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully. Carry out each instruction to the letter.

EarthNskywalker's Guide:

Don't eat rocks.

Don't take naps in the road.

Don't stoke fires with your fingers.

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't breathe car exhaust.

If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.

For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.

The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.

If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.

If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.

Don't flip off the Mafia.

If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.

Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.

Light birthday cake candles from back to front.

Don't shave with a lawn mower.

Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.

Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.

Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.

The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."

Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.

Don't iron clothes while wearing them.

The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.

Don't eat hot coals.

Don't escape in to jail.

Don't wash floors with cough syrup.

Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.

Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.

Sell at most one of your kidneys.

Don't lie down in a cattle pen.

Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.

Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.

Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.

Don't snap towels at passing cops.

Don't throw an angry cat straight up.

Don't lick dry ice.

Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.

Don't pour salt in your eyes.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself.

Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.

Don't swallow toothpaste.

Don't chew Tylenol.

Don't bathe in gasoline.

Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.

Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.

Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.

Don't go swimming in a well.

Rake leaves, not people.

Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.

Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.

If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.

Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.

Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.

Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.

Elvis is dead. Get over it.

Wear clothes.

Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't drink.

Don't drive.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.

When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.

When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

Give me all your money.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.”

“coughtrollcough”

“whatever, this tread is a waste of space
last edited: 10/13/05 10:01:45 PM”

“What is it with you libs & the personal attacks? I honestly just don't get it. Take this thread as an example... why in the world do you (Earth N Sky person) need to call me a stupid person just because I'm trying to suggest this is all in humor? I didn't call you, or anyoine else, any names, did I? Why must you resort to personal attacks? I just don't understand that mentality... can you help me understand your rationale?”

“What is it with you libs & the personal attacks

what is it with you neo-cons and the over-generalizing?
last edited: 10/13/05 10:10:42 PM”

“as a matter of fact, wandy, what is it with your whole "lets have an honest, open discussion free of the usual b.s." pleas, and then immediately resorting to the same low-brow tactics you say youre sick of?”

“im liberal on many (but not all) issues, and i found jame's post generally (but not knee-slapping) funny. so there.”

“CB, I am far from a neo-con, your the one generalizing here.

Stop trying to change the subject... instead of evading FACTS, answer the ^#$#^% question.

ENS called me names, I didn''t start this, HE DID. Why don't you stick to the subject & stop trying to change it to something I have to defend? I'm waiting for an answer... I DIDN'T START NAME CALLING, IWANT TO KNOW WHY HE DID!”

“Foul mouthed libs aren't as funny as stupid libs.”

“"then immediately resorting to the same low-brow tactics you say youre sick of?”

What, specifically, are you referring to CB?”

“The stupid libs have been very active on this thread tonight.”

“getting defensive, over-generalizing, "he started it"

boring”

“snore”

“starting off with "you lefties are always......." is not a good way to start off a fair and balanced and insightful conversation. youre immediately setting up an adversarial discussion, and then wonder why things get heated.

so youre not a neo-con. youre, what, a libertarian? then i mis-labeled you, not over-generalized.”

“So, CB, you're going to make accusations & then not respond to requests for your justification for making such acusations?

So, I'm accused of being a neo-con, I'm accused of "low-brow" tactics", but you can't give me any examples? I'm just supposed to "roll over" and let you make outrageous claims questioning my motives & integrity without askiong for some proof for your accusations?

And you think this is fair?”

“LMAO, wanderer is paranoid”

“Wanderer - just ignore ENS. He's breaking into the fuegos and is a little rusty. Plus, he's young. Just ignore him. (I'm not sure what crash's excuse is though.)”

“dude. its 1030 here. ive been up since 6. im tired. im not going to write you a cross-referenced reference page”

“see? i just said "cross-referenced reference page" that should indicate how tired i am.”

“Maybe you guys just don't have the right "love-maps" in your brains.

http://www.businessweek.com/technology/content/oct2005/tc20051013_964490.htm”

“low-brow tactics:

over-generalizing
whiny "he started it" excuses
getting all defensive and angry
general high and mighty attitude when in reality youre no better than the rest of us shmucks out here entertaining ourselves when we could be doing something better

so, yeahh, a cookie for you since you dont name-call. your nobel prize is waiting for you

btw, this probably all belongs on the "are you a lib for the right reason" thread
last edited: 10/13/05 10:43:52 PM”

“haha

s-rge, you dork”

“he name calls! He called me a dickhead and then retracted it.

Also, jame is about the dumbest troll ever.
last edited: 10/13/05 10:44:52 PM”

“oh thats right he did!!!!!

hahahahahahaha

im switching parties”

“He called me a dickhead and then retracted it.

well, you started it

:-D”

“Hey wanderer, the name calling is all in good humour. Sorry you don't see it that way.”

“looks like wandy is taking his ball and going home”