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Experts Warn of “Peak Pony”

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Republicans have had it tough over the last few weeks, with President Bush approval ratings below 40%, the indictment of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on conspiracy and money laundering charges, and the expected indictment of several senior White House officials for blowing the cover of a CIA operative. Republican woes have been a boon for the pony markets, which have seen prices soar to historic highs due to increased demand from ecstatic liberals. This spike in demand has led many experts to warn of a near-term pony shortage, and led to fears that the world may be approaching “Peak Pony”, the point at which nations are no longer able to meet their vital pony needs.

For most of the 20th century, ponies were primarily used as imaginary companions for giggling pre-teen girls. However, the market base for ponies has expanded considerably in recent weeks and months, as liberal euphoria has reached such giddy heights that only brightly-colored, silken-maned, magical sparkly friendly talking flying ponies are capable of complimenting.

“The problem is two-fold,” explains Goldman-Sachs senior pony analyst Holden. “A combination of irrational Bush-hatred among liberals and irrational exuberance among pony speculators has led to this spike in demand for what is, after all, a finite resource. At the same time, decades of complacency on the part of the world governments has let a manageable problem evolve into a full-blown crisis. Now the Congress wants to open the Strategic Pony Reserve to try to bring prices under control. It’s too little, too late.”

Others see the situation as less dire. “This is a natural period of market correction, nothing more” said Department of Ponies undersecretary Care-A-Lot Bear. “We saw this same thing happen during Watergate. While it true that pony supplies won’t be able to meet future needs - particularly if Fitzgerald hands down serious indictments - it is also true that there are any number of pony alternatives which are not being fully exploited. Unicorns, to name just one example - they’re fun. I am less afraid of this “Peak Pony” scenario than I am of what will happen if no one is indicted for outing Valerie Plame, and the pony bubble bursts. Stuck with dozens of suddenly worthless and unwanted ponies, liberals will probably flush them down the toilet, where, in the dark city sewers, they will grow to monstrous size and start attacking human beings. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to buy shotgun ammo and canned food.”

Grassroots groups are not waiting for the federal government to take of things. Several concerned organizations have joined together to form Pony Up, which urges people to engage in “pony pooling” and other pony conservation strategies. They have also enlisted comedian Jerry Seinfeld for an advertising campaign emphasizing that America is “a non-pony country” and that “I [Jerry Seinfeld] hate anyone that ever had a pony.”

For the moment, it appears that these messages are not having much impact. “I love my pony,” said beaming liberal The Editors. “I wouldn’t give it up. It’s very practical. Everytime I hear a new rumor that some big-shot Republican scumbag is going to do the frog-march, I hop on my pony and ride a rainbow to the nearest package store for a few more bottles of chilled champagne. Come to think of it, I need to head on over to Costco and pick me up a bigger fridge.” Mr. Editors and his glittering pink pony then flew off to Lollipop Castle where they had a tea party with talking forest creatures and strippers who look exactly like certain very attractive movie actresses and who really enjoy The Editors’ company and they all had a lovely time by the banks of a magical lake of malt liquor and they laughed and laughed and laughed and lived happily ever after THE END.

http://www.thepoorman.net/2005/10/19/experts-warn-of-peak-pony/”