China

“I was purging old email and came across this briefing on China written by a friend of my Dad's. I thought it was enough fun to share. It's a great satire of the standard official country briefings.

The following advisory for American travelers heading to China was compiled
from information provided by the U.S. Department of State, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the Defense Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of
Commerce, the Washington Times, and other reliable sources, including some
very expensive U.S. spy satellites secretly controlled by China through its
paid agents and nominees in the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and the
Loral Corporation. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
No warranty of accuracy is intended or implied.

General Overview: China is a big country with a long history and an
especially dense population, situated in the southeast quadrant of Asia.
Some people believe that it is an important member of the world community,
but they have probably been paid to say so. China is bounded by Russia,
India, and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not
very good plumbing or shopping.

China is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Forbidden
City, the Great Wall, the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Tiananmen Square
("where the elite meet defeat"), and the Maosoleum (a world-famous display
of peasant under glass). Among China's contributions to world civilization
are bureaucracy, sea slugs, and the world's first entrepreneurial army.

Although China likes to think of itself as having friends all over the
world, its people still chew garlic instead of Certs and cannot produce
decent Mexican food. (Try the dog meat baozi instead.) China is home to
some of the world's most prominent ring-magnet manufacturers and provides
asylum to numerous contributors to the DNC. In theory, Hong Kong and
Taiwan are part of China but in practice they aren't. The national
ideology is Ma-Hu Zhuyi, based on the writings of Karl Marx and some
unpublished graffiti by Hu Yaobang.

The People: China has a population of 1.3 billion, give or take a digit or
two. The Chinese people are a hee-hee ha-ha group of fun-loving socialists
with Chinese characteristics, who have no concept of standing in line.

They are famous for downing tumblers of turpentine at dinners and for
losing games of paper-scissors-stones. They also provide brief
introductions to their factories, while practicing inscrutability. Chinese
people love cats, but only when they're stir-fried. Many of them will
respond in English, if you speak it loudly enough.

Most Chinese are members of the Communist Party, though you wouldn't guess
it from their behavior. Many people are moneychangers and you should watch
your change, as in any foreign country. Some Chinese men hold hands but it
doesn't mean what you think it does, most of the time. American men may
wish to consider wearing surgical gloves to ensure that their stand on such
behavior is understood.

Safety: In general, China is a safe destination, though travelers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Japan. By tradition,
Chinese allow themselves to be slaughtered more or less at once and, apart
from increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices and the possible loss of laundry services, life for the visitor goes
on much as before.

History: China was discovered by Marco Polo way back when. Other
important figures are Haldeman, Ehrlichman, Ziegler, Chapin, Buchanan, Dick
Solomon, and Lichade Nikesun. China's most famous leader was Deng
Xiaoping, a short guy with an attitude. Kissinger was there a lot, though
Kilroy never made it.

Government: The Chinese form of government is orderly and boring. The
central government pretends to make decisions and the provinces and
localities pretend to implement them, but everyone pretty much does his own
thing, especially if you pay them off. For administrative purposes, the
country is divided into provinces, provinces-in-rebellion, autonomous
regions, special municipalities, special administrative regions, and
provinces that don't give a damn about the foregoing. The principal
function of government is the perpetration of human rights violations and
other atrocities. According to the most current intelligence available to
the U.S. government, the President is someone named Chiang, sometimes
misspelled Jiang. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture: The Chinese pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and there is nothing more
boring than a Chinese novel. Chinese opera has given rise to a flourishing
market in earplugs but once you've seen one jade battle-axe, you've seen
them all.

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much grease you put on it, a sea
slug looks like a turd. Dog meat and bean curd with bull #&%!$, on the
other hand, is excellent, though it is difficult for most Americans to keep
from woofing it. In general, travelers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at McDonald's and other leading Chinese eateries with neon
signs and fluorescent lighting. (The best Chinese restaurants can always
be spotted. They are lit up like a ten-bed intensive care unit and display
portraits of Chairman Mao by someone other than Andy Warhol.)

Economy: China has a fast-growing economy, based on the export of nuclear
weapons, missiles, chemical precursors, and products of prison labor, as
well as all sorts of stuff at Wal-Mart. The currency is the Yuan, pronounced
Renminbi, which is worth about one bit. The major sources of employment in
China are silk-screened tee shirts, the operation of tourist traps,
sticking it to Tibetans, and the belching of garlic and smog.

Conclusion: China is a big country with a long history and especially
dense pollution. It is a nice place to visit but you wouldn't want to live
there. The best thing that can be said for it is that is not Russia.
last edited: 12/05/05 5:32:49 PM”

“I would love to backpack across Russia. I hear you can get from one end of the country to the other with only a carton of cigarettes as fare while hitching. Plus, the women are very hairy there.”

“Why wasn't this posted to the "Is this Racist" thread???
j/k (I think)”

“Well Limpy, you could always post a link to it in the "Is this racist thread?" It is, of course, making fun of Western China experts as well as of China.
last edited: 12/05/05 5:37:36 PM”

“great stuff!”

“Hey! I was just twistin' your nipples! You made it clear it was a "nostalgic piece" and we all know how "friends of Dad" can get a little "funny."


"Everybody funny, now you funny, TOO!"”

“MATT, please delete this string.

pedxing - I'm sure your post is meant to be humorous, but it sucks. It is a violatin of
the "Terms of Participation,"
Posts that demean a country, nation, religion, or particular group of people.

I take it personally, as well, since two of my daughters are part Chinese. So I take this article as an insult to my daughters. The closest, other family to me are all Chinese. These include people who have treated me wonderfully. So I would feel amiss, if I did not voice my objection to this string.”

“...speaking of "funny" old people!!!”

“Nowslim: I'm not sure if you read the satire, but it was written and passed on by people who love and know China and speak Chinese. I hope you also noted my explanation to Limpy, it's not just a satire of China it's a satire of Western briefs about China. It does not demean China.

My son at age 14 lived with a Chinese family for 1/2 a year. They were great to him. I've got lots of fondness and respect for China and it's peoples.

Limpy - I was responding to the "I think."
last edited: 12/05/05 6:15:29 PM”

“pedxing - Yes, I read it, including your introduction, which called it a satire. But I felt that there were some digs in it that were demeaning. That is why I voiced an objection. Perhaps it is annoying because parts of it hint too closely to things that could be true. With the passage of time viewpoints can change. What I'm saying is that while this may have been a great satire at one time, it is not necessarily one still. (Maybe it is. I can be wrong.) There are words and things that we said freely years ago, but now must be spoken guardedly. I did end on my fanny once, for not being careful with my speach. (This is a fact regarding speach and is not mentioned as any hint of a threat.) Because of some of the passages contained in the satire, I do consider it a violations of the rules that Matt has posted. I do understand your intention and do not feel that you mean any harm. I've seen too many of your posts to entertain anything but respect for you.
Paul”

“Nowslimmer: We've agreed and disagreed. Sometimes I'm wrong and I catch on, sometimes I probably never do. I'm glad to have you around here, and trust you to tell me when you think I'm off base next time. Although I still disagree, I would not be offended if you asked Matt to take a look. I know your heart is in the right place here.
David”

“So I take this article as an insult to my daughters.

What a crybaby.”

“I bought a new Christmas tree yesterday, artificial, prelit and smaller diameter for our little house.

I put it together (prelit is the bomb), and got to the top portion. Got all the branches arranged nicely and climbed up on a chair to take off a tag hung on the very top branch. It read: "Christmas made in China". How ironic!! =)”

“Come from Wal-Mart?”

“LOL!”

“"Posts that demean a country, nation, religion, or particular group of people."

Good gawd! None of us would be here if this one was enforced.”

“Sterio types are made for a reason...to laugh at. Please feel free to use any cracker, WASP or honky humor you care too. :)”

“A Priest, a Minister and a Noahide gentile walk into a bar...”

“Watch it Yeshiva Boy! LOL!”

“This pantless guy on roller skates rolls into a bar.........”

“I'm Chinese and I'm not offended with pedxing's post...I find it humourous.

Eating cats and dogs are part of their culture...not mine, since I was born in Canada.

If you've ever been in a famine or constantly have food shortages....eating rats, dogs, cats, snakes, bugs etc. will be very normal and necessary to you.

Back 50 or 60 years...everybody in North America eats deer, squirrel, rabbit, quail, partridge or bison etc.....now alot of urbanites don't touch those meats. Tell them to eat squirrel or rabbit meat...and they feel grossed out.

Some European countries eat horse meat and/or calf brains....probably gross out alot of people.”

“I've had groundhog. It was pretty yucky.

Stovestomper, I hate our WalMart!! The Christmas tree came from target.”

“I'm of Chinese heritage as well and I agree with Nowslimmer, Satire or not, I don't think this post is particularly funny.... Yes, I get the idea that this is more of a "joke", but others who might not read it as satire would probably find it extremely offensive.

I doubt that someone would write something similar in vein about African Americans, Latinos, or Native Americans, if that were to happen, I would hazard a guess that a great many more people would find it offensive or inappropriate as well....

Many Asian Americans have strived very hard to overcome the prejudices and stereotypes that other still find "humorous" in this day and age.... The problem is that "jokes" and "satire" like this continues to perpetuate certain myths about the "exotic" nature of people from other countries-- and don't give us credit for not being from the same place as our ancestors....

To Stanlee-- Eating cats and dogs are not a part of my culture either (I was born in the U.S.). However, it bothers me that this particular stereotype rears its ugly head quite often. I personally find it offensive when people joke about things like that-- because even though I may not participate in that behavior myself, by having them degrade the culture from where my parents came, it indirectly is a slam against me....”

“Sass, Y2 will be crushed to learn that Made in China tree came from Target and not the evil Wal-Mart. LOLOLOLOL”

“Thanks, pinkbubelz - You expressed it better than I was able to do. But I don't think any minds are going to change.”

““Well I for one have never been so offended in all my life Sass. It's Target`, not Target. If I shop at budget stores I like those stores to have some panache!”
last edited: 12/07/05 7:38:49 AM”

“Oh I pronounced it TAR-jay. It's still spelled the same though. ;)”

“OK then. So can we get back to busting Ped's onions now? :P”

“Oh cry me a river. You two need to get over your peurile sensitivity. You don't think there's plenty of "jokes" and "satire" about whitey? Redneck jokes? Loudmouth Easterners? Etc. At least if you're going to say something about false stereotypes, then say something in correction! Don't whine "oh, my poor widdle feeling are hurt, I'm so offended" - and don't parade around your hypocritical righteous indignation.!

Gosh!”

“I think there's a chink in Mutt's armor.”

“Yeah, I can feel the "nip" in the air through it! LOLORZ!!11! Oh wait, wrong culture.”

“Pink and Stanlee: Thanks to both of you for your iput.

One clarification: the consumption of dog and cat in China isn't a myth or an empty stereotype. It's the truth and it's something that freaks out Western travelers to China. I know, I've confronted it myself. It doesn't mean China is worse than America or Chinese are worse than American's. Hindus think it's beastly that Americans and Chinese eat beef. Some Japanese I've known find it bizarre and filthy that Americans don't clean off before getting into a bath (they also used to think butter was totally disgusting).

Having lived almost 4 years of my childhood in East Asia, I have great love and respect for the cultures and people there. We need to be able to laugh about cultural tensions and differences. For me, that's been a big part of relating and getting along.

I've seen similar travel humour about New England Yankees, Texans, Rednecks, the British, Japanese and Canadians.”

“Let's not forget the hatred and sterio types that have been wrongly cast upon conservatives on TT. We're a group too.”

“Having traveled a great deal with the military, I have found that most cultures of people rip on most other cultures of people. This includes ethnic groups that are part of larger nationalities. Believe me when I tell you that Americans are the topic of many Kurdish jokes, and the Kurds also enjoy ripping on Sunnis, Shiites, and anyone from Turkey. The American political system is viewed as a circus almost everywhere I have been, including Australia.
All I am trying to say is that people should not be so sensitive to other peoples comments even if those comments hurt the feelings of others. Really, just let it go.”

“One of the trade magazines in the crapper here at work claims that the U.S. graduates 80-100,000 engineers a year, while China graduates over 1 million. And, India is close behind China...

"Eating cats and dogs are part of their culture..."
stanlee

We had an engineer that was born in Indonesia. His mom came to visit him, and came into our office to see where he worked. It was around Thanksgiving. Apparently in her part of the world, turkeys are kept as pets, so all the Turkey Day stuff we do here appalled her. Apparently, also, in her part of the world, eating dogs is normal.”

“Anyway, I feel badly for having offended some folks.

I tend to put Chinese culture on a more equal footing with the US and have known many more Chinese for whom China is home, than ethnic Chinese who call this continent home. Perhaps that has altered my notion of what is respectful good fun.
My father, stepmother and second son are all fluent in Chinese and have lived in China for varying lengths of time. BTW: They all see China as very much on the rise. I know people who in the 60s and 70s predicted the rise of Japan and they see Chinese as poised for a bigger and more sustained rise than Japan has had.

(BTW: In my mind, I always pronounce the "Xi" in PedXing" the Chinese way... more like "shi" as in Xian.)”

““I've had groundhog. It was pretty yucky.

Stovestomper, I hate our WalMart!! The Christmas tree came from target.”
Sassafras
5:31:41 PM
12/06/05

My nephew in Vermont and his farm kid pal shot a woodchuck/groundhog and skinned it and spitted it on a steel rod,
"...right up the arse....", sez he.

They cooked it over a fire and ate some.
According to him is was pretty greasy.

They were gonna make a hat but the dog ran away with the pelt.”

““Anyway, I feel badly for having offended some folks.

I tend to put Chinese culture on a more equal footing with the US and have known many more Chinese for whom China is home, than ethnic Chinese who call this continent home. Perhaps that has altered my notion of what is respectful good fun.
My father, stepmother and second son are all fluent in Chinese and have lived in China for varying lengths of time. BTW: They all see China as very much on the rise. I know people who in the 60s and 70s predicted the rise of Japan and they see Chinese as poised for a bigger and more sustained rise than Japan has had.

(BTW: In my mind, I always pronounce the "Xi" in PedXing" the Chinese way... more like "shi" as in Xian.)”
pedxing
11:38:27 AM
12/07/05

Thanks for insight on your post and your apology and explanation is accepted (by me.)

My uncle was in the army as a young man and he told us about having eaten dog meat-- He claimed that it had some "warming" properties and helped to keep the soldiers warm in the winter. I, myself, do not think that I could knowingly consume dog meat-- it is a delicacy that is a little to exotic for me, having been brought up in the Midwest US....

Yes, what we eat in the US repulses some other cultures, and what they eat repulses our US sensibilities.... (for example, I'd personally rather die hungry than eat a cockroach!--I think I'd spend more time vomiting than eating if I had to eat one on Fear Factor.--on the other hand the thousand-year-old eggs that Fear Factor parades as exotic and strange, would be a welcome food on my plate-- that's something I've grown up with and think of as ordinary...)

The thing is that here in the U.S., eating dogs and cats is considered outrageous. In fact, many things such as tripe, liver, kidney, etc. have gone out of favor of our increasingly processed-food-eating US culture. Unless you live in a farming, ethnic or very poor community, most "average" people don't eat anything except steaks, roasts, hot dogs, burgers or bacon when it comes products from from cows or pigs.... (and many would probably not eat the hot dogs or sausages if they realized the other animal parts that go into them.)

I think the older I get, the more annoyed when I have to "educate" people on what it means to be Chinese vs. Chinese American (Many people still "can't tell" the difference.) The thing is that when I was a child, I'd let such comments or stories "slide", I'm now more apt to try to educate others about how even the most mundane stereotype can be hurtful--in fact, as Nowslimmer mentioned-- you never know who might have family that is a combination of different cultures, and who you might offend...

By the way, Pedxing... I am glad you shared your perspective and where you are coming from.... (I am intrigued by your comment about "PedXing" is pronounced I would have never guessed....

Discussions such as these allow the "elephant in the room" to be acknowledged... In the long run, hopefully all who are participating will learn something new about each other-- which means a better community over all....
last edited: 12/07/05 4:40:39 PM”

“Here is a true story about how "looks can be deceiving"...

My dad has a friend whose son is ethnically Chinese, but was born in the U.S. and is absolutely illiterate and unable to speak much Chinese. (for this story, I will call him "Joe").

When Joe worked on a company that needed to do business in China, however, because of his lack of Chinese language skills, when he was sent overseas, the company sent over a blond-haired blue-eyed American interpreter who had grown up and lived in China for most of his life and was 100% fluent and literate....

Needless-to-say, when they started to talk to the Chinese company, the representatives had very confused looks on their faces as they heard clumsy, Chinese with a strong American accent coming out of the mouth of Joe, and the perfect Chinese coming out of the mouth of his interpreter.... (I guess it was like watching a ventriloquist dummy act...)

A rather humorous instance of "what you see may not be what you get".... In other words, you never know who is out there "listening" despite their outward appearance....

As our country gets more multi-cultural and multi-ethnic in nature, stories like this will become more and more the norm vs. the exception...”

“Do they celebrate Saturnalia in China?
last edited: 12/07/05 5:35:13 PM”

“Great story, but now I'm a little confused. Which one ate the dog and cat?”

“Thanks, pedxing. But don't feel badly. You opened a good string for discussion and there have been a number of different viewpoints expressed. And I will admit that the satire, which you posted, was pretty good. I did get some chuckles out of it. I'm more concerned that our relationship is friendly and I want to keep it that way.

What I did was to put myself in the position of one of my relatives or friends. They know about my backpacking and about Trail Talk. So I asked myself, "Is this what I would like them to see," should they visit TT? My answer is no, not unless I am with them to explain what a satire is and how much it is like a comical movie. Actually, they might be more tolerant and understanding than I am!

Peace.”

“Speaking of China, has anyone heard from Match lately?

When does he come home?”

“Great story pinkbubelz.

I'll add one here myself....One of my friend's friend...a CBC (Canadian Born Chinese) went to Hong Kong for business and ended up with a wife. He got himself a red head. They did their marriage and banquet thing there....and he brought her to Canada to have another banquet. When the older Chinese guests addressed him (them)....he gave a blank look....while the new bride answered them in fluent Chinese. She could read and write Chinese perfectly since she was educated in Hong Kong.”

“Thanks Pink.

As I implied, I was not thinking of bigotry against Chinese Americans when I posted, although I know some bad stories.

My mother was a minister's daughter in Texas. Her father sort of adopted a very bright young Chinese man who came to the US to work. He studied hard, went to University of Texas and then law school. He was very successful and very protective of my grandfather's family. He married a caucasian Texas woman. He had a seemingly good marriage, but was very sad that he never had children. When she became very ill she felt she had to make a confession to him, she had been using birth control to prevent having kids. Her parents had opposed the wedding because he was
Chinese and only agreed to give their blessing when she promised not to have children with him. It's a horrible story, made sadder by what a good man he was and what a fine dad he would have been. I never could understand how this woman could love a man enough to marry him, but could deprive him of children without an honest discussion.

I like your story of the blonde translator better and Stanlee's better. I got a good chuckle imagining it. It's fun to see how people react to the Chinese my Dad and son speak. We were at a Japanese restaurant once - one where all the staff were in traditional Japanese attire. They seemed to be ignoring any Japanese we used when we ordered if it wasn't on the menu - and then my Dad heard the waitress talking to the manager in Chinese. It turned out the place was Chinese owned and operated.
I tried to learn a little Chinese when I lived in Kowloon as a kid (Cantonese, but just for a year) and later (Mandarin) as an adult, but my son tells me I even butcher the #s 1 - 10.”

“True, in Montreal there's a few Japanese restaurants in the malls....and all run by Chinese.”

“Strange. There are a few Chinese Restaurants in Maryville, and most of them are run by Mexicans.”

“i thought the mexicans were runnin the italian restaurants?”

“Mexican food makes me run alright. ;-)”

“Camrade SS, Honorable footsoldier of people's revolution! ;op”